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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH ‘recharged’ rather than sorted house

534 replies

KeepingKeepingOn · 17/04/2023 00:15

DH on hols last 2 weeks (teacher). Last week at in-laws house with all 3 kids - all catered for, well looked after etc. This week, I took eldest 2 to see my family and he came home with youngest. DC3 went into nursery as usual on Wednesday, Thursday, and Friday.

I sent him a list of things that needed doing round the house - things that he’s known about for months, and had said he’ll do, but has also said are hard to do with 3 kids around. Fair enough. Have just got back to find he’s done 1 thing off the list (oil a table, if you’re interested). He’s done nothing outside because it’s been raining (all week?). He’s not emailed the IFA because he forgot. He’s not sent his grandmother’s birthday present (that I chose and ordered). When I asked what he has done, he’s ‘slept and recharged’, which he says he needed to do after a stressful term, and now feels much better.

We’ve ended up having a row and now aren’t speaking, which is shit as we both missed each other and it should have been lovely to be back together again. He is generally v supportive of me / my career etc, but this comes on the back of an ongoing tension around the ‘mental load’ that I feel I carry for all of us.

interested to hear views:
IABU - teaching is stressful, he was right to take the 3 days for himself and I should give him a break
IANBU - he could have done at least a few things off the list and still had a decent break

OP posts:
MagpieSong · 17/04/2023 06:27

IMO, he should have done more. I think lots of men tend to make excuses, “I could have cut the brambles blocking the path on Monday but it was raining” etc but don’t seem to realise they can whack a coat on and do it anyway. Assumedly, he chose oiling the table because it was the easiest and quickest task on the list? Definitely think he should have sent the parcel. He should be able to manage his time and do these tasks while recharging, whether he’s someone who does them all in one day and uses the next two days to relax or does them spread out to have time each day to relax. What does he do to recharge? I find if my husband is on a screen, he just gets lost in the activity and does absolutely nothing at all (it doesn’t really recharge him either).

Kittycash · 17/04/2023 06:29

I'm a teacher seems to be the get out of jail free card atm.
I know that teachers work long hours, are understaffed and unappreciated. But so do lots of people. And they don't get 13 weeks annual leave.
My dh was a project manager and often worked 12/15 hour days.
Me and dh were saying yesterday how men generally seem useless in the home when it comes to diy, gardening etc. Too much screen time and no physical tasks or hobbies seems to be very common.

MrsRickAstley · 17/04/2023 06:30

I'd let him off. Days to yourself are rare. I wouldn't want to spend them doing jobs either.

1AngelicFruitCake · 17/04/2023 06:30

Im a teacher, had both children with me each day of holidays plus had friends of theirs over. Still managed to get lots of jobs done because they need doing. I’m always so glad im the teacher and not my DH as I wonder how he’d get on with getting things done with children around!

Srin · 17/04/2023 06:30

I am with DH on this one. The list of jobs is too much. He should have posted the present, but you shouldn’t be buying presents for his relatives and then complaining about mental load. Just don’t do it.

mainsfed · 17/04/2023 06:31

MrsRickAstley · 17/04/2023 06:30

I'd let him off. Days to yourself are rare. I wouldn't want to spend them doing jobs either.

2 weeks is more than ‘days’.

It depends on who has to pick up the slack whilst he ‘recharges’

OP doesn’t 13 weeks off each year.

Iwanderedlonelyasagoat · 17/04/2023 06:36

My husband and I are both teachers. I always spend at least a few days in the holidays catching up on admin, fixing things, gardening, decorating, deep cleaning etc, tip runs etc. I did 3 days of these things last week. My husband is also off this week but I'm back at work and our child is in nursery. I have given him a list. Without the list, every day he would exercise, go for long walks round the city, read his book and drink coffee. He will get on with the list without complaint as he understands the alternative is a life where he also had to keep a list of everything which needs doing or a pissed off wife. YANBU

Mouldinthebathroom · 17/04/2023 06:43

My husband is a teacher. He spends the first week "winding down" and then the second week "building up to the new term". Both look like a lot like sitting round playing video games to me.

Hoppyhops · 17/04/2023 06:50

I’m a teacher and YANBU. Yes it’s a very stressful, full on job and I am always shattered by the time the next holiday comes around. I usually spend a day or two recovering and then get onto all of the housework and life admin that I’ve ignored through the past half term. It’s part of being a grown up with responsibilities.
I don’t think it’s his job that’s the problem here.

Kokeshi123 · 17/04/2023 06:51

I take the point of posters being unimpressed with the list and I would be myself! But am balancing this between experience of me getting frustrated that he doesn’t think about doing these things proactively and him saying ‘well if you’d just tell me what you want me to do, I’d do it.’ I don’t love having to project manage him, but tend to fall into the habit because it (usually) means things do get done.

Yes, this is us exactly. My DH will do jobs if I set out what needs to be done. He is less good than I am when it comes to having an ongoing mental list of household stuff that needs to be done, so I set stuff out and assign it.

I get that MN is full of posters who are all "Why do you have to manage him??" but then, there are things I'm not good at either. I will never earn as much as him as I don't have the sense of drive/ambition and acute business sense, and I am not good at technical stuff and fixing/setting up things around the house.

Original poster
KeepingKeepingOn · 17/04/2023 06:56

Iwanderedlonelyasagoat · 17/04/2023 06:36

My husband and I are both teachers. I always spend at least a few days in the holidays catching up on admin, fixing things, gardening, decorating, deep cleaning etc, tip runs etc. I did 3 days of these things last week. My husband is also off this week but I'm back at work and our child is in nursery. I have given him a list. Without the list, every day he would exercise, go for long walks round the city, read his book and drink coffee. He will get on with the list without complaint as he understands the alternative is a life where he also had to keep a list of everything which needs doing or a pissed off wife. YANBU

DH would do exactly the same as yours - and usually, tbf, he’d do most of the list once he had it.

Out of interest, did your DH do a comparable 3 days on domestic stuff last week alongside you?

OP posts:
Original poster
KeepingKeepingOn · 17/04/2023 07:00

Mouldinthebathroom · 17/04/2023 06:43

My husband is a teacher. He spends the first week "winding down" and then the second week "building up to the new term". Both look like a lot like sitting round playing video games to me.

💯 this. And I really don’t mind, even though I don’t get the same, because I know it’s a different kind of job - but I think the amount of time he’s taken to wind down and build up has been excessive.

For comparison, I got back with the kids at 11.15 last night, then had a row and a disturbed night to ‘build myself up’ before being back at work today 🙄

OP posts:
Toohardtofindaproperusername · 17/04/2023 07:00

Sending a list of jibs thta you think need doing but he doesn't can feel quite controllin/ infantalising.
If its his relatives, let him work out presents or not
Oiling a table .. really?
Why,are you,sending lists to him like you are,his mother, or like a teacher giving him homework.

Bit harsh but it sounds a,but controlling to me.

Kokeshi123 · 17/04/2023 07:04

I would find it controlling to be given a list of things to do, but the thing is, I get on with jobs off my own bat and have a notebook with lists of things to do and check them off, and very rarely need to be asked or reminded.

If the OP is giving her husband lists of tasks, it is most likely because he has a track record of not spontaneously remembering ongoing tasks that need to be done or getting on with them.

If that is what your partner is like, there isn't really any alternative to managing them and assigning jobs to them! I'm sure the OP has TRIED backing off and doing nothing, without the situation changing, and it's resulted in problems for the family due to things not getting done.

May09Bump · 17/04/2023 07:07

Eviebeans · 17/04/2023 05:45

What is IFA

Independent Financial Advisor.

briancormorant · 17/04/2023 07:17

I'm with you OP especially about the mental load you carry for entire family.
We had this' I didn't have to do everything but I had to think of everything for them.
So bloody draining.

Hayliebells · 17/04/2023 07:17

Yeah I think he's being lazy. I say this as a teacher mum who has to look after her kids throughout the holidays. One day to recharge kid free is reasonable (if you also get kid free days to "recharge" too), but given that what he had to do really doesn't sound like a lot, YANBU. I'd definitely stop managing his family gift giving responsibilities. Just don't let that take up any of your headspace, it's not your job. Does he buy gifts for your family, and remind you to send them? Don't do anything that he wouldn't do for you. If he forgets, it's on him, nothing to do with you.

Hayliebells · 17/04/2023 07:21

Kokeshi123 · 17/04/2023 07:04

I would find it controlling to be given a list of things to do, but the thing is, I get on with jobs off my own bat and have a notebook with lists of things to do and check them off, and very rarely need to be asked or reminded.

If the OP is giving her husband lists of tasks, it is most likely because he has a track record of not spontaneously remembering ongoing tasks that need to be done or getting on with them.

If that is what your partner is like, there isn't really any alternative to managing them and assigning jobs to them! I'm sure the OP has TRIED backing off and doing nothing, without the situation changing, and it's resulted in problems for the family due to things not getting done.

Yes I do agree with this, but in the grandma present giving scenario, forgetting that really doesn't (or shouldn't) cause problems for anyone other than the OP's DP.

Willmafrockfit · 17/04/2023 07:21

Why are you in charge op?

brunettemic · 17/04/2023 07:23

A couple of those things I’d be annoyed about (email and present) but it shouldn’t result in not speaking to each other. DH is a teacher and he can be a bit useless in some of the school hols (if you ignore the fact childcare isn’t an issue lol) but in the summer he tends to get loads done. Teaching is a stressful job and I’m glad I don’t do it.

DustyLee123 · 17/04/2023 07:26

Sounds like a normal lazy husband to me, well that’s my experience anyway.
Ive had DIY stuff waiting since last year, yet I clean/wash and food shop week in week out.

Noicant · 17/04/2023 07:26

Stuff needs to be done, he should be doing some of it. Nothing wrong with downtime (DH and I would kill for some) but he could have taken some time to do some bits and pieces.

SnarkyBag · 17/04/2023 07:27

I work term time and am usually exhausted by the holidays. When it’s half term and one week off I generally just recharge. Two weeks off and I go full throttle for a week getting the house and life back into shape as a sort of way of feeling prepared for the next term. Then have week of doing nice things with the kids and pottering.

Twilightstarbright · 17/04/2023 07:27

I actually admire him for prioritising himself and his well-being, as too many people don’t and end up physically or mentally unwell.

However the email could have been sent whilst the kettle was boiling and it seems harsh on the Nan. But I just order a present online and send it straight to the recipient so buy, wrap, send is one job and not three.

sleepymama3 · 17/04/2023 07:27

I'm a teacher, we have one DC and I'm 7 months pregnant. The first week of the holidays, I got 2 days to myself (nursery/grandparent care) and did absolutely nothing, which was needed and my husband fully supported (he works 12 hour days, never from home). The second week of the holidays, I got a good deal of housework/ DIY done, while keeping DC entertained. And brought DC to play dates, swimming, the park etc, which was restorative in its way too.
Teaching has become more stressful, many teachers suffer burnout after not very many years, the paperwork is mounting all the time. So a day or two to recover over the holidays is needed for everyone. But, it sounds like your husband got that opportunity in Week 1.
Did he do anything 'off list'? My husband would never prioritise the household tasks that I do (kitchen, laundry, cleaning oven) but he wouldn't need a list in similar circumstances. He tends to favour deep cleaning of the floors and bathrooms, DIY, gardening. So I could come home to more laundry than usual, but if I look more carefully the floors are sparkling, for instance...

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