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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH ‘recharged’ rather than sorted house

534 replies

KeepingKeepingOn · 17/04/2023 00:15

DH on hols last 2 weeks (teacher). Last week at in-laws house with all 3 kids - all catered for, well looked after etc. This week, I took eldest 2 to see my family and he came home with youngest. DC3 went into nursery as usual on Wednesday, Thursday, and Friday.

I sent him a list of things that needed doing round the house - things that he’s known about for months, and had said he’ll do, but has also said are hard to do with 3 kids around. Fair enough. Have just got back to find he’s done 1 thing off the list (oil a table, if you’re interested). He’s done nothing outside because it’s been raining (all week?). He’s not emailed the IFA because he forgot. He’s not sent his grandmother’s birthday present (that I chose and ordered). When I asked what he has done, he’s ‘slept and recharged’, which he says he needed to do after a stressful term, and now feels much better.

We’ve ended up having a row and now aren’t speaking, which is shit as we both missed each other and it should have been lovely to be back together again. He is generally v supportive of me / my career etc, but this comes on the back of an ongoing tension around the ‘mental load’ that I feel I carry for all of us.

interested to hear views:
IABU - teaching is stressful, he was right to take the 3 days for himself and I should give him a break
IANBU - he could have done at least a few things off the list and still had a decent break

OP posts:
BlackFlyChardonnay · 17/04/2023 03:07

I think most people could probably oil a table, send an email, and have plenty of rest over the course of 3 childfree days tbh. The outdoor stuff is fair enough though, as it has been pretty rainy continuously where I am.

It's selfish to take so much time to rest in my opinion. Rest is important, but it sounds like he's acted as if he has zero responsibilities.

StrawHatOnTheParcelShelf · 17/04/2023 04:07

I'm torn on this one. If you feel like you're carrying the mental load, that's not cool and something that should be addressed constructively.

But you're perpetuating the problem yourself, buying gifts for his family and sending him lists to do.

If my spouse sent me a list of things to do on a few days off I would tell them to do one! (Or, if I'm not feeling confrontational, just ignore the list and do whatever I like.)

FangsForTheMemory · 17/04/2023 04:36

The things he didn’t do are stuff that is mentally untaxing. He simply couldn’t be bothered. I don’t know why people are making excuses for him. Sending a gift, FFS. He didn’t buy it, he just had to post it and it was for HIS grandmother.

Mrstwiddle · 17/04/2023 04:36

He sounds lazy to me, I guess you would know OP if this is an ongoing issue.

Mrstwiddle · 17/04/2023 04:37

And I'm a teacher and agree downtime is needed but usually one or two days is enough for that, sending an email or a card is hardly arduous.

Eviebeans · 17/04/2023 05:01

It sounds as if you visited grandparents separately - was there a reason for that?
do you both work full time?
why not just drop the ball on a lot of the other stuff for a while- pick up those that are most important to you. Let your DH do the same.
If he doesn’t view granny getting a gift as important enough to him to do something about then so be it.

cherrypiesally · 17/04/2023 05:02

I’m a teacher with 2 kids and no family to have the kids. I have still managed to get jobs done and catch up either marking, school admin and home admin plus recharge whilst the kids play and enjoy time with them that I don’t have usually. Admittedly I’d love ‘me time’ but it doesn’t happen and I just suck it up; he’s lucky he had the 3 days.

However don’t buy his families presents- that’s his job but at the same time don’t leave job lists unless they are urgent- that would annoy me; he needs to grow up and sort his own. He should have sent the email though.

hattie43 · 17/04/2023 05:04

I can't imagine anything worse than being given a list of things to do on my holiday . I'm with your husband .

Glittertwins · 17/04/2023 05:06

To be fair to him, it did rain practically all day every day last week from about 10am onwards.

Isthisexpected · 17/04/2023 05:09

I presume the list is how you two have previously agreed to communicate over tasks so isn't an issue at all.

Being generous, sending an email to the IFA would have taken an hour max with a bit of research about what your specific question was. Same with sending the gift.

So are people seriously suggesting being a teacher is THAT exhausting he couldn't do two hours of tasks in three days? Come off if. No job at all justifies this after having over 10 days off already.

user1492757084 · 17/04/2023 05:12

Your husband says he now feel refreshed.

Holiday was a success then.
It's fair enough that he took time off.
The gift he will post late - and his Granny will forgive him.
The email - also late but was there any harm done?

I think you over reacted because if you were in the same situation it would be hoped that you could decide to be lazy on your holiday and also be trusted to make up your own list of what is important.

Apologise then have your couple of days off.

mainsfed · 17/04/2023 05:21

Don’t send his grandmothers present! Stop sorting his presents in future!

Don’t do the jobs and stop doing anything for him like cooking.

Is he expecting you to the jobs?

Morethanthis71 · 17/04/2023 05:23

I teach and last half term was the busiest, most stressful I've experienced in 29 years of teaching. I recharged and spent time with my children. I did not do jobs around the house or in the garden, because it rained almost constantly, and it also the first school holiday in 29 years that I did not spend working and lesson planning. I can see where he is coming from. I'm going to have to work at double speed now to get ahead of myself but I am so glad I had the rest and was Mum properly for the holidays.

pompomdaisy · 17/04/2023 05:26

DH used to be unable to do anything in school holidays when he was teaching in secondary school. He's had a change of job and now he is able to do jobs.

You can have a view that he's lazy or you can have a view that his job is knackering him out. It's up to you.

Original poster
KeepingKeepingOn · 17/04/2023 05:26

To answer a few qs;
The first part of last week (Mon-Wed), youngest 2 were in nursery and DC1 had 2 all-day play dates, while I worked and he mostly did nothing (which I understood and was supportive of). We then went to in-laws for Easter together.

We have a shared iPhone list of house jobs of ongoing maintenance type things, which he never really looks at. I reshared it with him, thinking he could make the most of kid-free time - it included things like reattaching a blind in the kids’ room, ordering a replacement part type things, as well as what I put in my OP.

I take the point of posters being unimpressed with the list and I would be myself! But am balancing this between experience of me getting frustrated that he doesn’t think about doing these things proactively and him saying ‘well if you’d just tell me what you want me to do, I’d do it.’ I don’t love having to project manage him, but tend to fall into the habit because it (usually) means things do get done.

we do have very different attitudes that mostly feel quite complementary - he’s very chilled and tells me when I’m going into overactive productive mode. He would have no problem with me taking 3 days off work to recharge (would be v supportive), but tbh that feels like a luxury. I guess part of the issue, as I said in my OP, is that some of these things have been waiting for months - we talked about him sorting the IFA late last year, the present was due in January! So while it would be nice to recharge, him not doing them means that they’re still vaguely on my mental list.

OP posts:
Thehonestbadger · 17/04/2023 05:32

They only realise when you stop doing stuff and start ‘resting and recharging’ too.

We have a fortnightly cleaner and DH used to think because of that I did nothing as a SAHM. He’s just had a week off work and I had to start some tablets that’s made me feel pants.. so I left him to it with both our toddlers.

needless to say he’s realised a fortnightly cleaner covers about 3% of the actual work that needs doing. He pretty much dissolved into a breakdown. The house is a tip, no one has clean clothes, the cats ran out of specialist food, neither kids been sleeping. We ran out of loo roll 😂

I think he appreciates me more right now

Original poster
KeepingKeepingOn · 17/04/2023 05:33

Morethanthis71 · 17/04/2023 05:23

I teach and last half term was the busiest, most stressful I've experienced in 29 years of teaching. I recharged and spent time with my children. I did not do jobs around the house or in the garden, because it rained almost constantly, and it also the first school holiday in 29 years that I did not spend working and lesson planning. I can see where he is coming from. I'm going to have to work at double speed now to get ahead of myself but I am so glad I had the rest and was Mum properly for the holidays.

I get this absolutely - if he had been doing childcare all hol, I would have had no problem with him just doing that. It’s a f/t job in itself! But he’s had a solid 6 days of no childcare at all, which does feel excessive. My job is also pretty full on - he commented last week I was averaging 15 hours a day, which was because we had a project deadline. That’s quite usual for me (peaks and troughs) but it doesn’t come with built in time off every 6 weeks.

OP posts:
mainsfed · 17/04/2023 05:40

He would have no problem with me taking 3 days off work to recharge (would be v supportive)

Probably because he knows you will do the housework etc after your time off.

Eviebeans · 17/04/2023 05:45

What is IFA

AuntieJoyce · 17/04/2023 05:46

ChellyT · 17/04/2023 01:56

Seriously! He SHOULD learn to make these tasks meditative with an end result of a job well done, list complete. Let him recharge and rest while doing tasks and chores around the house that have absolutely no relation to what he does for a job.

Wouldn't it be great to just unplug for 2 weeks because you fell burnt out/tired and magically everything on the 'to do' list complete.

Agree with this. I work a stressful job and DIY etc is great and for working it out of the system. Sitting on my arse watching Netflix not so much

OP, he’s a lazy twat, but now you’ve had a massive go at him hopefully he’ll pull his weight next holiday. Keep up the disapproval

MummyJ36 · 17/04/2023 05:47

Just to add a supportive note OP, I would be pissed off too!!

Original poster
KeepingKeepingOn · 17/04/2023 05:55

ChellyT · 17/04/2023 01:56

Seriously! He SHOULD learn to make these tasks meditative with an end result of a job well done, list complete. Let him recharge and rest while doing tasks and chores around the house that have absolutely no relation to what he does for a job.

Wouldn't it be great to just unplug for 2 weeks because you fell burnt out/tired and magically everything on the 'to do' list complete.

This made me laugh! But yes, I totally agree and would be my approach if I took a/l. I suppose part of the reason for posting is to check whether that approach is that of the dreaded ‘mummy martyr’, and in reality we should both be saying fuck it to all the domestic jobs and just putting ourselves first. I just can’t imagine having that much child-free time, knowing that all these things need doing, and only managing to oil a table…

OP posts:
wildlifeobserver1 · 17/04/2023 06:24

Why are you sorting his family’s birthday presents? That’s his own responsibility to remember to do that

AngelusBell · 17/04/2023 06:26

I was a teacher for many years and I get the need to recharge in the holidays. His grandmother, so his issue with the present - it was good of you to choose and order it, he can apologise when it arrives late.

Waitingroompurplecup · 17/04/2023 06:26

I find that rather than just giving a list, you need to get commitment for the jobs first. So for example, the blind in the bedroom is broken and I myself am unable to fix it, so what should we do:
Can we afford a handyman to come in and do all these little jobs for x pounds?
Should we just take the blind down and replace it with curtains?
Should we just take it down and make the kids get used to sleeping in the street light?
Or dh are you able to fix it yourself? By x date, because it’s dangerous to leave blind cords hanging down like that.

If you both come to conclusion it needs fixing then great. If dh wants to pay to replace or get fixed, and there’s money to do so, then problem still gets solved so no worries.
If dh chooses the option where he would let kids suffer at his laziness/stinginess , only then id think he’s a dick.