DH ‘recharged’ rather than sorted house

[KeepingKeepingOn]

DH on hols last 2 weeks (teacher). Last week at in-laws house with all 3 kids - all catered for, well looked after etc. This week, I took eldest 2 to see my family and he came home with youngest. DC3 went into nursery as usual on Wednesday, Thursday, and Friday.

I sent him a list of things that needed doing round the house - things that he’s known about for months, and had said he’ll do, but has also said are hard to do with 3 kids around. Fair enough. Have just got back to find he’s done 1 thing off the list (oil a table, if you’re interested). He’s done nothing outside because it’s been raining (all week?). He’s not emailed the IFA because he forgot. He’s not sent his grandmother’s birthday present (that I chose and ordered). When I asked what he has done, he’s ‘slept and recharged’, which he says he needed to do after a stressful term, and now feels much better.

We’ve ended up having a row and now aren’t speaking, which is shit as we both missed each other and it should have been lovely to be back together again. He is generally v supportive of me / my career etc, but this comes on the back of an ongoing tension around the ‘mental load’ that I feel I carry for all of us.

interested to hear views:
IABU - teaching is stressful, he was right to take the 3 days for himself and I should give him a break
IANBU - he could have done at least a few things off the list and still had a decent break

This suggests to me your school management was shit rather than that this is normal. I know many teachers even in real life and none of them that actually work for more than maybe a day per half term/a couple at Easter and maybe 3-5 in the summer. Having seen what my brother (secondary teaching mix of GCSE and Alevel), my mum (teaching Y7-9) & my friends teaching primary/middle school I honestly question what the heck people working massive numbers of hours in the holidays are doing and why. I’d get it the year something massive changes that you need to rework stuff but if it’s constant surely either you have to be doing things to an unsustainable standard or you’ve got a dreadful management team. Otherwise how do you explain that many other teachers/schools don’t have to do it? I’d be almost certain it’s down to shitty school leadership. Crappy leadership causes loads of additional work/stress in all jobs so teaching can’t be any different.

Are you living with my husband???

I can see how people would think that giving a list is out of order - if my husband gave me one, I would. But the difference is that I just do/plan to do those things that obviously need doing. Instead of rest, I get them done so that I can then rest, happily knowing I've got stuff that needs to be done sorted, in our house for our family. He, on the other hand, will rest/watch tv/at a push "wash the bloody car" rather than fixing a blind in the kids room that's been hanging off for months. And the annoying thing is a lot of this stuff he could do in the blink of an eye.
He'll happily watch me run myself ragged and that is why, for partners like this, who do not out and out say they won't do these jobs in your joint home, but say they will "in time" need a list which you have to compile and give to them. But even then, you end up in a situation like the OP where you've had an argument out of sheer frustration and end up feeling like the bad guy.
I think it's irrelevant he's a teacher. Lots of us have difficult, stressful, tiring jobs. But as a couple with a family, the point is, neither of you should feel completely overwhelmed while the other one is prescribing themselves rest time.

My Dad is a school caretaker and during the school holidays, there are always teachers working.
He'd open up the school at 7:00 and the teachers would start coming in not long after and be there all day, and he's worked there for about 30 years now.

@ArseInTheCoOpWindow my sister is in a high position in a school also.
I agree with everything you say.
I would also add: school trips and summer holiday clubs. Prep. Lunch duty. Ofsted. She certainly does not get 6 weeks "off". Slightly more flexible, not off.

For her also, she cannot just leave the house looking belowpar/in a rush to pick up milk or something without a child or parent of the child seeing her. She is almost always on duty. She is leaving soon, at 53, after 30 years.

I had a corporate job, I did not see my clients in M&S.
I found it stressful visiting sometimes, I got roped in to going to quite a few pupil parties as we would be out and about and parents would rush to invite her. (That was mainly parents in the private sector) but she worksin both.

I think the problem can arise from having years of the school holidays actually being holidays.

Minding children is very different from endless free days to fill how you please.

It would obviously be a transition.

But most people adjust to it and get on with it.

There is nothing less attractive than being the only adult in a relationship, with your partner doing the least they can and depending on being directed and managed.

Over the last 30 years my friends that found themselves with that dynamic, have mostly withdrawn from this role, because it was doing too much damage to the relationship.

Resentment and seething eats away atove and respect.

Far better that th OP deals with this once and for all.

Facing into retirement with someone who has been a lazy passanger in your relationship is not something a lot of women want.

I know of a few that haven't plans to divorced their husbands, but are definitely planning a very independent retirement with lots of solo trips and adventures with friends, rather than with their husbands.

It's clear that not all schools are the same, and not all teaching jobs are the same.

Primary school lesson planning is (in general) much more time consuming than seondary. There are no repeated lessons, resources have to be made, and multi ability classes require a LOT of differentiation which has to be planned for. Also one lesson will have to have lots of short activities. Secondary teachers (dependent on subject) will be able to repeat lessons during the week, and often over years (until the exam boards change stuff around) and many subjects are set for ability levels. Of course marking for some subjects can be time consuming, whereas others have little. PE teachers might have their weekends and after school time being really intense, but with very little to do in the holidays. And of course some SLTs are ridiculously picky about planning and assessment compared to others. Likewise stress levels vary according to role and student behaviour levels.

So basically it's absolutely possible to believe there are teachers (like my DD and her partner) who work for a high proportion of their holidays, because their roles and their SLT make is necessary, and that other teachers might be lucky enough to not have to do as much.

If you read my later posts it was due to setting up an A level single-handedly.

Then rewriting the GCSE and A level when the government changed them all. It takes ages to set up a new course and then rewrite it. And no, it couldn’t be adjusted, as the government changed it completely. It was nothing like the original thing.

Then it needs rewriting again once you’ve taught it and it needs changing. I was the only one teaching it.

Incidentally it was nothing to do with management, in fact the school was used by the DFE as an example of a well run school that tried to minimise workload.

It was due to the fact, that if l didn’t write it, 2 x yr10, 3xy11 5x y12 and 5 x y13 would have had nothing to do in the lessons. No textbook for the course either.

So it wasn’t at all what’s normal and it was, in fact, the year something massive changed and you needed to rework everything and you were in the position you were the only person & had to do it all yourself. That is really rubbish but you must know it’s abnormal so representing it as standard for teachers to get 4 weeks vs 13 (or even 11ish which seems common) kind of was bollocks 🤷🏼‍♀️

It took 10 years though.

But it's not the norm. Many many people who have teachers as family or are teachers have said so on the thread. You seem to simultaneously want people to believe you did this (which they likely do. I certainly have no reason to doubt you) & believe that's just how teaching is for everyone/majority of people (which is what is being challenged).

I honestly can't grasp if it was changing that frequently and you were the only person at the school who could do it how you can think your leadership team handled it well. All they had to do was find another school in the vicinity & agree you'd split the curriculum & both you and the person/people teaching the subject at the other school would have instantly lost 40% of your workload (appreciate you'd have to do your 50% and then have time to review & tweak materials). This is the sort of thing some schools of friends/family do that makes a massive difference. Usually they actually do it across a group of schools so each one only has to do 20% or 25% of the lesson plans. Some of the academy school groups even have people who doing this work as their core job and then teaching the odd lesson at each school in the group to be able to say the curriculum is delivered by a subject matter expert (I assume that part is for Ofsted). Our primary group KS1 all together and plan across Y1/2 over the 3 staff who teach those years. Similar for KS2. They also use the same materials over multiple years inspite of others on the thread saying primary have to update every year (both my kids covered the fire of London, space etc & did most of the same activities). It just isn't the case that one member of staff would ordinarily be rewriting all the materials for a GCSE & A level on their own every year for 10 years (or even for 1 really).

You must be able to understand that saying teachers only get 4 weeks of holiday and saying when I was a teacher due to exceptional circumstances I only got 4 weeks of holiday are very different and it's only the former being disputed?

4 weeks my absolute arse!!!!

Are you following me to check I’m using MN correctly? What do you mean”again”? Off my back please

You sound sad.

@mustgetoffmn sorry, it's just at 21 pages in you're not the first person to respond without having read all the salient details.

I'm not at all "sad"..I just think that given there is a handy function to at least read all the ops posts, it would be courteous to use it so as not to make a point that has already been covered. Totally get not reading all 21 pages but there aren't that many ops.

I’m sure I’m not the only person who dips into MN and doesn’t read ALL the comments. I try to read all the OPs posts but sometimes I’m just having a quick browse. The site is mainly used by people wanting advice on their situation and replies are given as good will not duty! I usually make comments which are specific to one person’s opinion, it would be too lengthy to respond in detail and be someone summing up all responses to the question. It’s not my “job” to provide a synopsis of everyone’s opinion. There are often up to 10 pages or more of posts!!!! It’s not your place to apparently follow a particular poster and tick them off for “doing it wrong” . It’s actually a bit creepy. If a post irritates you well that’s the nature of this site, just ignore! Stop policing!

I didn't "follow" you, I've been reading the thread since the start and actually (along with a few others) have mentioned reading all the ops posts a couple of times since people keep popping on with completely irrelevant comments (if they'd read the op's updates). It was a general observation. If it makes you feel better, without scrolling back up I can't even remember your username. There's a reason the "see all" function was put in but some users don't always know it's there..I don't think it's ott "policing" to point it out. Anyway, I think this has run its course.

Seeing a lot of posts where male teachers aren’t great when it comes to family life. Ironic

Right? While female teachers always post that they are in this career as it allows them to take care of children and family. Funny how teaching while male or female seem to be so different. How many female teachers spend their school holidays relaxing and not lifting a finger? Not even sending the present to their grandma that their DH has ordered for them? (Like this would ever even happen).

Literally in the sentence you quoted

Where are these other posts? I know a lot of male teachers (including my late husband) and they don't/didn't fit that picture at all, belong actually MORE involved with kids and domesticity than most. Being a primary teacher isn't one of those macho jobs.

MN - the home of wild generalisations based on little more than women: good, men: bad.

Where are these other posts?

There are numerous posts on this thread where people say OP should do it all and leave the poor husband alone, as he needs to rest.

Great updates OP! Hope it lasts and sticks as new habit. I had it out w my teacher DP as well (mine was the one with 7 childfree days that couldn't tidy DC room properly due to crushing responsibility of deciding what should go in charity shop bag)

Mine has diagnosed himself as "prone to inertia" and agreed he's been useless and is committed to making more effort with mental load and house jobs. Can tell from last couple of days he at least is trying. He's also declared every Saturday must be date night but I think he might be getting overexcited now 😂

I am a teacher. It’s exhausting and I sleep a lot at the beginning but it’s not unreasonable to ask for a few jobs to be done in week three of school holidays while you are doing most of the childcare and the third child is at nursery. They don’t sound very onerous jobs. It was kind of you to buy his grandmother’s present and it is frustrating that he didn’t send it.
My DH and I both make lists of jobs that need doing; it’s a way of making sure that they’re not overlooked rather than a fascist practice. I suspect that you wouldn’t have minded so long as he had got a fair bit done.
YRNBU.

The list was a jointly discussed one...

And if you read the OP's updates, the situation is, for now, resolved.