DH ‘recharged’ rather than sorted house

[KeepingKeepingOn]

DH on hols last 2 weeks (teacher). Last week at in-laws house with all 3 kids - all catered for, well looked after etc. This week, I took eldest 2 to see my family and he came home with youngest. DC3 went into nursery as usual on Wednesday, Thursday, and Friday.

I sent him a list of things that needed doing round the house - things that he’s known about for months, and had said he’ll do, but has also said are hard to do with 3 kids around. Fair enough. Have just got back to find he’s done 1 thing off the list (oil a table, if you’re interested). He’s done nothing outside because it’s been raining (all week?). He’s not emailed the IFA because he forgot. He’s not sent his grandmother’s birthday present (that I chose and ordered). When I asked what he has done, he’s ‘slept and recharged’, which he says he needed to do after a stressful term, and now feels much better.

We’ve ended up having a row and now aren’t speaking, which is shit as we both missed each other and it should have been lovely to be back together again. He is generally v supportive of me / my career etc, but this comes on the back of an ongoing tension around the ‘mental load’ that I feel I carry for all of us.

interested to hear views:
IABU - teaching is stressful, he was right to take the 3 days for himself and I should give him a break
IANBU - he could have done at least a few things off the list and still had a decent break

When l was teaching, l usually had work to do 3 days out of 5 in the holidays.

l wouldn’t have followed a list. If Dh tried to leave me one, I’d have thought fick that. Teaching is hideously stressful and full on from the minutr you arrive and leave. Much more intense than any previous job l did.

lve never oiled a table in my life.

His baby was in nursery. He had 3 full days to himself and didn’t even bother sending Granny’s present.

So you were lounging around on holiday at your parents home with the 2 elder DC while he was home with the nursery age DC who was in nursery for 3 of the days of the week.

You sent him a list of chores to do- which I think is fucking rude by the way. Who made you boss of everything? I thought he was very diplomatic saying he’d try but it’s hard with a toddler.

He gets one of the jobs on the list done, due to poor weather over the 3 days- and you threw a tantrum because he only made a token effort? Well I’m glad he only made a token effort because if my DH had left me with a list of things to get done while he is off gadding about with his family I would have reacted much less nicely than your DH did. (My DH in fact just got back from ten days with his family…it’s hard staying on top of housework and child care all by yourself. There isn’t really time for DIY projects on top. I mowed the grass.)

I have no idea what this has to do with being supporting of your “career”, it’s like you don’t see him as having a career too. Is yours a big very important job then compared to his teaching?

The only thing you are not unreasonable on is the grandmothers birthday gift, why in the hell are you choosing and buying gifts for his grandmother? Just stop. It’s up to him to manage his family. If he doesn’t send them birthday gifts, that’s his call.

I understand teaching is exhausting.

But really, not being able to send an email to an IFA and post a parcel? it's faintly ridiculous to suggest that two very quick, simple tasks would render him unable to spend the overwhelming majority of the three days "recharging".

And it's not even if he's had to deal with the mental load of thinking about what needs to be done. It's all written on a list for him - he could have just picked off those two super quick items and still had three days almost entirely chilling out.

I'm on the fence with this - I had a week off over Easter and I had a whole host of things I wanted to get done in the house. In reality my time was spent doing some house stuff/socialising/days out/sitting on my arse. It rained alot here so none of the outdoor jobs got done and it did hamper jobs like going to the tip/charity shop. I didn't get half of what needed doing done but I felt the relaxtion side was needed/well spent.

I am not sure that I would appreciate being given a list by my OH of jobs to complete, saying that he should have at the very least posted his Grandmothers Birthday present as there is not really an excuse for not doing that.

He had 3 days at home. Not 2 weeks. If it’s not so bad why can’t OP do it herself?

Having a small child at nursery doesn't equal a child-free day. Presumably he had to get them ready, drop them off at 9, make sure he had all he needed for their dinner etc before picking them up at 3 - or earlier if they do half days - and then, if they're like mine were, giving them attention all afternoon. That time in between goes so quickly.

I don't understand this "race to the bottom" attitude regarding downtime: "I don't get that much, so neither should you!" It's not a competition. I quite like it when DP has time to recharge, because he emerges relaxed and happy. That makes me happier than an oiled table.

This! I refuse to do this, if his family don't get gifts, thats on him!

Recharging is absolutely more important than doing non-urgent chores and laziness is not a vice, in my opinion.

Literally who gives a shit about a table being oiled (and that's the one he DID do). A table does not need to be oiled right now, this week or this month. It doesn't need to be part of anyone's mental load. Ditto the wonky blind. I once had a wonky blind in my room for two full years and the reason I did nothing about it is because living with it was, actually, completely fine.

I can't stand people who are so fixated on chores that they think that something practical needs to be done at all times. Just because you're piling unnecessary shit on to your mental load doesn't mean you can pile it on to other people's.

When I recharge I'm not doing "nothing", in that I'm not sitting like a vegetable staring into space. I'm reading a book, or I'm watching a film, or I'm catching up with current affairs, or I'm catching up with friends. These aren't lazy luxuries - my cultural life and social life are the point of it all. Chores will never be a priority above them until and unless they are literally urgent.

For those of you fixated on the oiling of the table (😂) that was ONE of the jobs on the list of ‘general shit that needs doing’ that we both share and the ONLY thing he chose / managed to do.

Slightly more urgently (I would have thought) would have been speaking to a financial adviser about a small inheritance that has sat, making no money, for the last 6 months, replacing the blackout blind in the toddler’s room, with which we can usually get 45 mins more sleep, and ordering a replacement part for the washing machine. Oh, and putting the firewood in the log store so it doesn’t sit outside and get wet - which it has, as apparently it rained last week 😄

The house was clean and tidy but I pay for a cleaner to come in for 5 hours a week on a Friday, so that doesn’t feel particularly praiseworthy.

Getting back late - yes, not great, but it was a family celebration abroad, that was the only flight and these things are important when you only get to see that part of the family once a year or so.

For the poster concerned about my children’s welfare, they were all up at the crack of dawn excited to reunite and to get back to school and nursery! I, however, need more coffee before checking my email deluge…

Me too. I'd feel like I was being infantilised and/or that my partner was a control freak.

My late DP and I would discuss what jobs needed doing and which of us was doing what. Then we'd get on with doing them. I wouldn't have dreamed of sending him "a list", as though I was his manager.

And he didn't have a job that he left him utterly burned out by the time he got time off, which is what teaching seems to be like these days, if my teacher friends are anything to go by. The ones that retire all seem to look 10 years younger a few months into retirement, which is telling, imo.

8-5.30, actually (private nursery).

For all the people outraged about the list - completely understandable but presumably you manage to get shit done without someone sending you a list of things to do?

Some men, and it's always bloody men, seem incapable of looking around them and figuring out what needs doing.

Our house was supposed to go on the market last July. I work long hours 7 days a week and haven't had a holiday in years. I have two disabled DC who I home educate (due to lack of SEN school spaces). DP - not the bio father - has been off work since September. There was a list of jobs to do which would probably take maybe 2 weeks if I worked flat out to get them done. He was supposed to be taking care of them all......................................

I cannot tell you how utterly fucking frustrating it is having to give a grown man a list. And then remind him about the bastard list.

if I don't leave him a list absolutely fuck all gets done. As evidenced by the fact that our house is STILL not on the market and STILL isn't ready to go on the market. For long and complicated reasons we have to move. I haven't had the mental space to put together a comprehensive list and remind DP every day that he needs to look at the list....hence why fuck all has been done.

It's utterly, utterly draining always being the one with the mental load.

My DP is lovely. I adore him. He's a kind man and an amazing stepdad. But fuck me, he is so bloody lazy and apparently incapable of seeing the chaos that surrounds him while he sits on the sofa.

If you don't live with one of these specimens you understandably may not appreciate why there is no alternative to giving them a bloody list. Well, there is an alternative - you just do it yourself.

This, you already did most of the last job for him, he is lazy and selfish.

If it’s so urgent, why have neither of you managed to send 1 email in 6 months?

It sounds like you both need a good look at your daily routines and why neither of you can send an email during your day.

I see both sides. Totally and completely get why you are infuriated. On the other hand I was a very shit wife, friend and family member when I was teaching. It took over my life to such an extent. I was always either at school, planning/marking, feeling horribly stressed about how much work I had to do or sleeping. Most school holidays I would more or less sleep the whole time!

Realistically he could've gotten the majority of jobs on the list done in 1 day when the child he had at home was at nursery.

DH and I also have a shared "to do" list on our phones and then whoever is not looking after the baby will see what's on the list (things like changing light bulbs, things that need to be ordered/reordered, etc) it's no different than if one of us is out and the other asks them to pop to a shop for something.

There's no reason he couldn't have gotten more jobs done, and also had a decent amount or R & R while your dc was at nursery, yanbu!

Yup!... get a plastic table cloth. I can't imagine having to oil a table.

I am a teacher and I don't think youbare being unreasonable. It has taken me 2 weeks to recover mentally from last term but I have had my kids full time, taken them on holiday and still done lots of jobs around the home. 2 weeks is a long time.

I'd say you are not being unreasonable. Plenty of time to recharge and complete stuff around the house. What was he doing in the evenings? Time to get an early night and a lie in and do some bits and bobs x

Having a small child at nursery doesn't equal a child-free day. Presumably he had to get them ready, drop them off at 9, make sure he had all he needed for their dinner etc before picking them up at 3 - or earlier if they do half days - and then, if they're like mine were, giving them attention all afternoon. That time in between goes so quickly.

OP and her DH both work full time, I imagine the child in nursery is in longer than 9-3.

Even if not - drop the child at nursery, drive to the post office if you don't want to walk, post the parcel, go back home to bed.

So you are outraged he did not do two things that are really none of your concern? His grandmothers present and getting a small inheritance of his to start making money?

Really! This is so unreasonable. His gran is his family, stop with the birthday gifts and stop pushing him to send them. On an inheritance you need to step back because it’s vulgar to be like “when you going to make some money off your dead x’s bequest?” after only six months! It’s not urgent in the least!

My dad passed almost two years ago and I have left the money I inherited from him in my savings account. I will do something with the money when I am good and ready. Life isn’t always about instantly maximising your profit off your dead relatives’ money as soon as possible. There is a mourning period.

Sorry YABU it is well known by all the teachers who post on here that they are all saints. Give the (teaching) man a break.

@SquirrelsAreStinky I really really empathise with you. Your situation sounds really hard, well done for everything that you do especially the home SEN education as well as everything else.

I am at a loss now that even direct requests/ lists that he's agreed to are being massively procrastinated for months or just not done. We've discussed it loads and he agrees and his description of himself is "prone to inertia". I've worded it as "effort avoider" before (and lazy bastard once in anger).

He's a wonderful father, clever, kind, emotionally available. Supports me in my career, with family. Daily childcare he is pretty 50/50 with me, its jobs and cleaning and thinking he won't do.

I was also off for two weeks and recharged. Housework was bottom of my list.