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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Mud sticks.. how do I deal with it.

495 replies

Highfivemum · 16/04/2023 14:12

So I live in small village. We all know everyone. Even if we do not socialise we all know of each other. Two new residents moved in 5 weeks ago into the next road up. For some reason the wife thought she knew me from school. She didn’t. We haven’t spoken since as she seemed to not believe me. We have never lived in same area before and she is a few years older. Whilst attending the Easter parade in the centre my DC (11) said he had been shouted at by this lady for looking at her. She said to him your just like your mum. She quite obviously thinks I am someone else and someone else who she disliked for whatever reason. I went over to her and said why had she shouted at my DS and if she had any problems then she should speak to me. I didn’t shout I was very calm but She ran off in tears. Which was seen by others. Since then I had been told by three people that she has told them she cannot join some village groups and go to things as I go to them and I am nasty and always have been since school. She is quite clearly having some issues and I have chosen to step back and not be in any contact but I am finding that some of the locals are looking at me and I am paranoid they believe her. I have no idea who she is. My DH said he could speak to her DH about it all. I have said leave it. I really don’t know how to handle this. Do I try again to talk to her and run the risk of her screaming at me and making it worse.

OP posts:
FuckoffeeBeforeCoffee · 16/04/2023 14:16

Just ignore her as much as you can. If anyone mentions it just keep repeating that you don't know her and you're not who she thinks you are. Even if she upsets your kids, ignore. You'll just feed into the drama.

She sounds fucking mental.

Heroicallyfound · 16/04/2023 14:17

FuckoffeeBeforeCoffee · 16/04/2023 14:16

Just ignore her as much as you can. If anyone mentions it just keep repeating that you don't know her and you're not who she thinks you are. Even if she upsets your kids, ignore. You'll just feed into the drama.

She sounds fucking mental.

Yep this. It’s only your problem if you make it your problem.

Thepeopleversuswork · 16/04/2023 14:20

God what a nightmare. She sounds unhinged.

I agree that you have to hold the line on insisting you don’t know her. Keep it calm and respectful. If people relay nasty comments to you keep saying she is mistaken. Don’t react if she goads you. Eventually people will realise it’s her, not you.

Waterfallgirl · 16/04/2023 14:25

I’d go round when her DH is in and explain clearly you are not who she thinks you are. Then I’d explain clearly that you have not done anything to offend her and that any negative comments to you your family must stop.

CombatBarbie · 16/04/2023 14:31

Waterfallgirl · 16/04/2023 14:25

I’d go round when her DH is in and explain clearly you are not who she thinks you are. Then I’d explain clearly that you have not done anything to offend her and that any negative comments to you your family must stop.

Living in a village I would do this!!!

Does she know your name? Or is she just going off facial recognition?

Regardless, it needs nipping in the bud or life could get uncomfortable very quickly for both you and the kids.... Never underestimate a witch hunt in a small village!!

Original poster
Highfivemum · 16/04/2023 14:36

Thank you.
yes I do agree that it is prob best to just let it go and hopefully it will run its course. It is difficult in such a small village when you all have to kind of get on. I have said to people that I don’t know her and she is confusing me with someone else

OP posts:
Original poster
Highfivemum · 16/04/2023 14:39

Waterfallgirl · 16/04/2023 14:25

I’d go round when her DH is in and explain clearly you are not who she thinks you are. Then I’d explain clearly that you have not done anything to offend her and that any negative comments to you your family must stop.

She was with her DH when we first met. She insisted she knew me and I said I am sorry I didn’t know her. She then asked about schools etc and areas and we had never lived close at all. Her DH then mentioned when she was at school which was 4 years before me. I really hope it doesn’t escalate

OP posts:
drpet49 · 16/04/2023 14:40

Waterfallgirl · 16/04/2023 14:25

I’d go round when her DH is in and explain clearly you are not who she thinks you are. Then I’d explain clearly that you have not done anything to offend her and that any negative comments to you your family must stop.

I would do this living in a village. If you don’t, you’ll soon be ostracised OP.

Original poster
Highfivemum · 16/04/2023 14:41

CombatBarbie · 16/04/2023 14:31

Living in a village I would do this!!!

Does she know your name? Or is she just going off facial recognition?

Regardless, it needs nipping in the bud or life could get uncomfortable very quickly for both you and the kids.... Never underestimate a witch hunt in a small village!!

Show quote history

Facial recognises me she said. I haven’t got the same name since childhood (long complicated family story ) so she wouldn’t know that.
I really hope she sees the error of her ways as I do agree with small villages

OP posts:
CleaningOutMyCloset · 16/04/2023 14:42

Just ignore her op, people know you and will already have made their minds up if they liked you or now way before she moved to the village .

mamabear715 · 16/04/2023 14:42

If her DH has confirmed to her that you're not who she thinks you are, I'd leave it now. There's obviously something very wrong with her, but her traumas are nothing to do with you. Hugs.

Original poster
Highfivemum · 16/04/2023 14:45

When I approached her at Easter parade her DH was with her and said nothing. Maybe he is used to her being like this.
I didn’t even go to church this morning and everyone goes to church here as it is a lovely social meet up with coffee afterwards. I just didn’t want to see her and her to say anything. I think I need to get my big girl pants on and just get on with it and hope it fizzle out.

OP posts:
WeBuiltThisCity · 16/04/2023 14:45

I’d address it. Maybe not in a city but village gossip can be nuts, plus have quite an impact. Talk to the people you know she’s spoken to and factually explain you aren’t the same age, and haven’t lived in the same area. Ask them to support you by calmly stating this. Don’t just tell them, tell them it worries you after the incident in town and you are concerned it will escalate.
Maybe don’t actually send DH round, but find a way of suggesting a chat between them to facilitate resolving issues before they escalate

… and if it calms down make a mental note to never ever fall into the trap of being friends. Be polite but distant. People like this always blow up again.

Tooyoungtofeelthisold · 16/04/2023 14:46

Tbh, I'd speak to her with both your husband and hers present, with school photos from your teen years if possible.
"This was me as a teenager, this is the school I attended, see that is not the uniform that you wore, you do not know me, I would very much appreciate it if you stopped telling people you knew me, and attacking my character. If you stop now, I will not mention it again, if you continue, I will make sure that people know that you are mistaken and harassing my family. Stop it."

She needs to know that she has the choice to start acting like a normal person, or you can play the same game

Divebar2021 · 16/04/2023 14:48

If you’ve lived there a while why would the other villagers believe them over you? If you say…. “ I didn’t even go to (insert name) school I went to (insert name)”. I certainly wouldn’t stop my usual activities

MrsDoylesDoily · 16/04/2023 14:48

My DH said he could speak to her DH about it all. I have said leave it.

Fuck that, I'm not surprised you said to leave it. How embarrassing!

OP, you really need to try and have a conversation with her in front of witnesses if possible.

Or see if she's on SM and message her so it's all in writing.

Holly60 · 16/04/2023 14:49

If she won't engage with you - could you put a school photo up on Facebook of you saying 'gosh can you believe Xschool was so long ago!'

Then hope people in your village/she sees it?

Oblomov23 · 16/04/2023 14:50

I'd step back and get my Dh to deal with it. I'd get him to say : mistaken identity, lady thinks my wife was at school with her, but she wasn't, she grew up in Gloucester/Leicester/York.

CheezePleeze · 16/04/2023 14:52

Oblomov23 · 16/04/2023 14:50

I'd step back and get my Dh to deal with it. I'd get him to say : mistaken identity, lady thinks my wife was at school with her, but she wasn't, she grew up in Gloucester/Leicester/York.

You're a grown woman and you'd 'get your DH to deal with it'?

Jesus there are no words.

Howabsolutelyfanfuckingtastic · 16/04/2023 14:52

She sounds crazy and what a horrible situation for you. I'd speak to her and her DH to clear things up so it doesn't escalate further. I wouldn't like her spreading lies about me and thinking I was someone I wasn't.

Pinkywoo · 16/04/2023 14:52

Waterfallgirl · 16/04/2023 14:25

I’d go round when her DH is in and explain clearly you are not who she thinks you are. Then I’d explain clearly that you have not done anything to offend her and that any negative comments to you your family must stop.

I'd do this, and take ID!

BellaJuno · 16/04/2023 14:52

I’d front it out, carry on with your usual activities and firmly correct anyone who believes her “Yes I know she thinks she knows me from X school but she won’t accept she’s mistaken as I went to Y school”.

If she’s acting ridiculous with you, she will soon show similar tendencies with others so just give her a wide berth and let it play out. Don’t fan the flames of village gossip by trying to get ahead of this, you’ll never win.

Dontbelieveaword · 16/04/2023 14:53

I agree with pp, do you have old school photos or reports, proof of where you lived before you moved to the village? Make sure they're are witnesses to your encounter when "proving your point' - not that I don't believe it's ridiculous that you even have to think of proving your identity.
Then please stop avoiding places or events. The people in the village already know you and (presumably, hopefully?) Like you and your family and hopefully don't automatically believe everything the newcomer is saying. If you start avoiding your usual routines and hobbies, it might make you look guilty of something. You know who your friends are, stick with them and enjoy living there again

QueSyrahSyrah · 16/04/2023 14:55

Did you initially and totally nip it in the bud with 'Oh no, I didn't go to [her school], I went to St. Mary's in [your town]. You must be mistaking me for someone else', I've never even been to [her town]'?

I can't fathom out how she's still claiming she knows you after that?

MrsDoylesDoily · 16/04/2023 14:56

I agree with PPs, do not start avoiding places that you would normally go to.

Also, double check with your DC that what happened/what was said was correct, and see if there were any witnesses.

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