Mud sticks.. how do I deal with it.

[Highfivemum]

So I live in small village. We all know everyone. Even if we do not socialise we all know of each other. Two new residents moved in 5 weeks ago into the next road up. For some reason the wife thought she knew me from school. She didn’t. We haven’t spoken since as she seemed to not believe me. We have never lived in same area before and she is a few years older. Whilst attending the Easter parade in the centre my DC (11) said he had been shouted at by this lady for looking at her. She said to him your just like your mum. She quite obviously thinks I am someone else and someone else who she disliked for whatever reason. I went over to her and said why had she shouted at my DS and if she had any problems then she should speak to me. I didn’t shout I was very calm but She ran off in tears. Which was seen by others. Since then I had been told by three people that she has told them she cannot join some village groups and go to things as I go to them and I am nasty and always have been since school. She is quite clearly having some issues and I have chosen to step back and not be in any contact but I am finding that some of the locals are looking at me and I am paranoid they believe her. I have no idea who she is. My DH said he could speak to her DH about it all. I have said leave it. I really don’t know how to handle this. Do I try again to talk to her and run the risk of her screaming at me and making it worse.

Good idea.
The woman is a stupid bitch.
Nothing like this should ever involve children and she definitely crossed the line with that in my view.

In my experience, villagers stick up for each other [lived in one for eight years but wasn't totally accepted until I got a job in a local shop !] . They're not going to take a newcomer's side .

Absolutely this.

Not your circus, not your monkeys.

I live in a small village with a DC at the local primary. Superficially we are all friendly and polite: the kids invite each other round for tea/play every now and again and we have perfectly cordial chats about the weather, etc. The people here don't know my personal business and I don't know theirs. If anyone's curtain-twitching about me, I'm completely oblivious.

Granted, my closest friends are not from this community, but I prefer it this way. Any BS - like some which kicked off on WhatsApp about particular families' behaviour and who was associated with who during lockdown, resulting in their reporting it to the school and snotty correspondence being sent from them - I mute instantly. I wasn't that family, and the hell I was being drawn into speculation and gossip as to who was.

No one needs to be expending energy on that type of pettiness. Batty Neighbour will run out of steam eventually. You don't have to keep chucking the coal in the boiler to keep it running.

Did you go to the same school as her? Even if it was some years of difference

Reading again, I see that I was mistaken: She's the newcomer to the village, not you. In that case, I'd definitely just tell a few friends about the situation and leave it at that. Try to ignore it. Just continue to live your life as usual.

People may be looking at you because they're just curious about all this weirdness with the new woman, but eventually interest should fade, if she doesn't keep going on and on about it. If she does, that will say more about her than you. If there's something off about her (and it seems that there must be), that will sooner or later be made obvious to others in the village.

This is one of the weirdest threads I’ve ever read on here!!! Is this village life? Sounds awful!

The op doesn’t need to “prove” anything, to anyone! Just say she has mistaken me for someone else. And that’s that-why are people saying to prove it? Hahaha.

If I had actually said any of that then you might have grounds for questioning it.

This is so weird I saw almost exactly this happen. Person 1 is on a private phone call and mentions person two’s name saying it’s like someone she knows.

Person 2 assumes this is about her, gathers her clique and later confronts person one.

Person one mentions she was on a private call, person 2 should not have been earwigging and calls her a nutcase.

Person two flounces with clique. 😁

Sounds like the opening of an ITV drama - Range Rovers, huge square glass houses and long winding driveways.

Anyway - sounds to me like there's more to it.
You would never say anything like that to anyone else who you've just 'met'.

I wouldn't have anyone spouting shit about me round the local town/village. Plus, if she's threatening or verbally shouting at your children I'd make a call and log it with 101. They can clear it up for you. They tell her it's mistaken identity and leave it there.

Sounds all very strange.

This, in spadefuls.

She has mistaken you for someone else. She is in the wrong. Be polite, be neutral, and keep repeating that you don't know her, didn't go to school with her, etc.

I can't really believe that anyone would take flowers or wine round to the house of a loon like this as an excuse to start a discussion about it, if they didn't actually love the drama.

The only thing I might do is alert the school so they can be prepared if Nutjob kicks off at the child again. Apart from that, just don't fuel the insanity.

Is there anyone at church who can gently take her aside and explain that you are not who she thinks you are?

Re the DH, does it not concern him if his children are being shouted at in the street for looking in her direction? It depends on the Church, but speaking to the pastor might not be a bad idea. If there's one more incident towards the children then I'd go full on safeguarding. She's gone into intimidating behaviour.

She sounds absolutely unhinged. There is NO way i'd be asking my husband to speak with her OR taking round ID or old photos. WTF should you have to justify yourself to this woman spreading gossip about you? She's not rational- you could take round school photos and she'd say it wasnt really you in the photo and your ID is fake- the she's spread that around too, that you have a fake ID etc..

The best thing to do is not justify yourself otherwise it makes it look like you have nothing to hide. Just carry on as normal, talking to others as normal. People will always make their own minds up about gossip anyway and if she's coming across as hysterical whilst you appear normal, nice and friendly they will 100% realise she's batshit crazy.

That may be a good idea to log this, just in case. She isn't just being unfriendly and given you the odd dirty look, running off crying in public and shouting at your child are very odd things to do. I mean, even if someone encounters someone they thought was their school bully, why on earth would they shout at that persons child simply for looking in their direction?

The last thing you should do is avoid places and stop your usual routine - that almost screams guilt and you have nothing to hide or be guilty for here. Hold your head high and if anyone asks you what’s going on, just say what you’ve said here.

She sounds like a loon, which will come out in the wash as she’ll get a bee in her bonnet about someone else in time no doubt.

I wouldn’t engage further with her, as any interaction will be twisted for dramatic purposes to create her victim narrative.

Just ignore her. I’ve lived in villages my whole adult life. People certainly don’t take kindly to newcomers rolling up and stirring the pot. People will figure her out soon enough.

We had a guy in our last village who joined the village facebook group even before they’d moved in and started kicking off. A year later, he’s been kicked out of the group and banned from local village meetings because he’s such a drama llama. People are usually quite protective over their turf to ‘outsiders’. If anyone brings it up, just calmly explain that you have no idea who she is, never went to school with her, and are concerned about her wellbeing given her behaviour. The rumour mill will take care of the rest.

This. You can't argue with crazy. I had similar - although I was the unknown who had just moved from Central London to a small village. My neighbour spread about that 'I was Maxine Carr'...... the fact that I didn't looked like her was answered by ' I've had reconstructive surgery as part of my taxpayer funded change of ID'. I made the mistake of trying to bother dealing with this and it didn't help. Once I just ignored it and went about my life it just fizzled out. I think she found another newcomer - probably Lord fucking Lucan had moved in!!!!! Once I had been there a while I realised everyone thought my neighbour was batshit, so did it bother anyone apart from me - no. I think it probably amused people as to what crazy shit she would come up with when someone new came

Strong and capable doesn't mean having to do it all yourself. It means being capable if you want to deal, and using all the tools at your disposal. Hubby is available to use.

In this case, I don’t see the problem with that. Clearly she can’t talk to this woman herself without the woman running off crying or making a scene and she probably wouldn’t be happy with her husband talking to the OP either. She’s not going to listen to her, whereas she may listen to her own husband.

Have you thought about having a chat with the vicar, especially given you felt unable to go to church today? Perhaps they could facilitate a meeting with you and her where you could again explain where you grew up and went to school (and when) and that who ever she thinks you are is a completely different person. Then if she carries on you can say something along the lines of "gosh, she is persistent isn't she - even the vicar has told her that she's got the wrong person..."

And actually yes, to speaking with the vicar, if she is engaged at all with the church. We had a situation with MIL 🙄 and the vicar was an incredibly helpful neutral third party.

This is excellent advice. Get back out there. People know you and will invariably ask. You just reply- 'Gosh, it's very odd- she's convinced we went to school together, yet it isn't me! Different name, wrong year- she must have got muddled up.' This will go through the village like wildfire. At the moment you are handing her the narrative.

This. I would also get ahead and chat to friends you already have in the village and say this lady is convinced you're some random from X place where she went to school... But you few up in Y place and have no idea who she is.

Could this be her fucked up way of integrating into the village: choose a mark and isolate them whilst bonding with the other villagers. Sounds like a huge effort to me.

OP, do not stop doing your usual activities!