Mud sticks.. how do I deal with it.

[Highfivemum]

So I live in small village. We all know everyone. Even if we do not socialise we all know of each other. Two new residents moved in 5 weeks ago into the next road up. For some reason the wife thought she knew me from school. She didn’t. We haven’t spoken since as she seemed to not believe me. We have never lived in same area before and she is a few years older. Whilst attending the Easter parade in the centre my DC (11) said he had been shouted at by this lady for looking at her. She said to him your just like your mum. She quite obviously thinks I am someone else and someone else who she disliked for whatever reason. I went over to her and said why had she shouted at my DS and if she had any problems then she should speak to me. I didn’t shout I was very calm but She ran off in tears. Which was seen by others. Since then I had been told by three people that she has told them she cannot join some village groups and go to things as I go to them and I am nasty and always have been since school. She is quite clearly having some issues and I have chosen to step back and not be in any contact but I am finding that some of the locals are looking at me and I am paranoid they believe her. I have no idea who she is. My DH said he could speak to her DH about it all. I have said leave it. I really don’t know how to handle this. Do I try again to talk to her and run the risk of her screaming at me and making it worse.

Carry on living your life and ignore this woman. If she says anything to you again, just repeat you went to whatever school in whatever town and you have never met her before.

I would be going to their house with a school photo to tell her it's NOT you and you would appreciate it if she would stop talking about you. That you welcome them to the village but that it's not acceptable at all to be spreading unfounded gossip that has already spilled over into your DC's lives by shouting at them.

Don't leave it, OP, she needs to be told!

Well it certainly beats doing nothing and not going to church and other activities because of this woman.

I really don’t get it. See it all the time on here. People are so afraid of actually having to speak up and defend themselves so they just cower away. Or have to come and make a thread to almost allow themselves “permission” to defend themselves.

Why are so many people unable to just stand up for themselves? You don’t have to be rude or aggressive, but you can certainly assert yourself and make it clear you don’t tolerate bullshit.

It’s utterly bizarre how many grown women can’t stand up for themselves.

I would speak to her husband and advise him that if he does not sort It out with his wife then you will be contacting solicitors and that you will ensure that the village knows about her harassment of you - as if it carries on in the way it has - shouting at you and your family and speading incorrect and therefore slanderous malicious gossip - it will constitute harassment.

No wine, no cake (because so far she has been spectacularly rude!)
Just carry on living your life as if you had never met her.
If anyone else in the village mentions her just say you think she has some issues as she seems to think you are someone else.
I am willing to bet you won't be the last person she manages to anger.

I think some people are massively overestimating how much anyone outside of this will give a shit about it.

Imagine a new couple move into your area. You hear that the woman doesn't like Lisa at number 12 because they didn't get on at school. You like Lisa and she's always been nice enough to you and everyone you know. Do you really give a shit?

Eventually you hear one way or another that Lisa says she has never met this woman and she's mistaken if she thinks they went to school together. Cool. Does it change anything for you?

If you know her name I’d see if she or her DH is on Facebook and send her a message saying that you’ve heard that she won’t join in things because you are there which you don’t understand as you’ve explained that you are not the person you think she is.

If it does end up that your friends start turning on you then at least you’ve got proof that you tried to reach out and you are not the person who she thinks you are.

This is when I thank fuck I live in a metropolitan city and not some village backwater…

Normally I’d say leave it, but village life gets toxic very quickly.

I’d get your DH to put a note through their door from you stating what school you went to and the years you went.
Id say you appreciate anyone can make an error but obviously you can’t have it impacting your child so now that the matter has been cleared up you assume you’ll hear no more about it so you can all live happily in the same village.

This. It’s no biggie just carry on as you were and ignore. If anyone mentions just go yes it’s very awkward, she’s convinced, tried to correct but not more I can do

You don’t have to be her friend. But if you take the high ground you stand a much better chance of defusing the situation before it gets worse.

I'm on the other side of this fence.

The problem here is that you can't argue with crazy/stupid. If you try, you'll just become embroiled in that net, and fellow-villagers are unlikely to see the nuances of who's right and who's wrong in such a situation. All they will see is two neurotic residents having a bun fight.

When you JADE (justify, defend, argue, explain) you are just giving your opposition ammunition to tie your words up in knots. Defend yourself to nobody. Make no personal assessment, just hold the same line if ever you're asked that you don't know her from Adam, and that she's evidently mistaken (not lying. That takes it down to her personal level).

This is her baggage, OP. It does not belong to you. Don't pick it up and carry it for her. Whatever her mental, emotional or personal difficulties may be, they have nothing to do with you.

Honestly don't know what best to do.

Fell foul of the next door neighbour last place we lived- who apparently wanted someone else to buy the house - took people years to see though her lies.

Also has issue with HCP same location - we were asked to keep quiet about an upheld complaint as it was all sorted to find she bad mouthed us to colleges had implications for my and DD2 treatment.

If I every encountered similar I'd be more proactive I think in countering it possible finding a way of bringing up our side rather waiting it out and assuming it will die down or people will see though lies.

Maybe bring up to friends how you don't know this woman and she won't listen and how utterly insane it all is. Though I agree trying to deal directly with her will likely go nowhere good.

I think you should let your friends in the village know what's happening, so if she starts to spread stories about how you were a bully in school or whatever she's claiming, they can let others know right away that it's not true and she's deluded.

I think you should talk to your vicar/priest too, it will be a big deal to him you feel you can't go to services because of this woman. He can talk to her about it in a way that would be difficult for other third party to talk to her.

Do you live in a small village? Those places absolutely will thrive off the gossip. I lived in one and the tiniest of things can cause all kinds of problems. Small village life is a weird ecosystem.
Its why I now live 5 miles from my nearest neighbour 😂

I totally get it OP. Village life is something different and mud sticks!

You're totally justified in being angry OP but you can't show it. And you can't avoid activities. Otherwise the gossip will be that there's some kind of spat between you two.

Here's what you do:

1. Go round some time when you know her neighbours and husband are home, with a big bunch of flowers (highly visible) and keep it light. "I think it's a case of mistaken identity, sounds like your old schoolmate was a piece of work, lol. Anyway, thought you'd like these!" If she doesn't open the door, just leave them. I know you're annoyed at her but you're doing that for yourself, not her.

1. Thereafter, smile and great her as you would anyone else, but keep her at arms length.

1. If any gossip comes your way, just say, "No , we didn't go to school together, sounds like I have a doppelganger, oh dear," and change the subject.

No we're strong capable women who can CHOOSE how we deal with it, and if that means accepting help offered by our supportive partner then that's our CHOICE.

She sounds crazy, honestly. I'd avoid contact with her as far as possible, but if it comes up, remain calm and continue to state the facts of the matter—that you didn't attend X school, etc. I might bring it up to friends who live in the area, but I wouldn't bother trying to speak to her about it again. If she's always been a bit bonkers, surely other people in the village will be aware of this, even if they don't feel comfortable saying so.

I had this but at work. The lady was unwell but we didn’t find out until much later. It caused issues and I ended up showing my birth certificate to prove that we couldn’t possibly have been at school together because I was 10 years older.
She was sectioned under the mental health act some time later (not because of that obviously).

Isn’t this one of those times when you can get small village life to work to your advantage? Presumably you’ve lived there longer and people know you better than her. Just go on with things and if it comes up shrug your shoulders and tell the person you have no idea why she won’t believe you that you didn’t go to school/you have a problem with her/whatever and you hope that she gets over whatever is going on and settles in.

Unless there’s reason that your neighbors think you are/were leading a double life they’ll soon realize that she’s the issue here.

You're not strong and capable just because you made a choice. The choice you made is what shows how strong and capable you are. If your choice is to stick your husband in it as your champion as if it's anything to do with him, while you try to escape, then your choice just shows that you are anything but strong and capable.

And it's a terrible idea anyway. Just ignore it. She's clearly a loon but the more someone starts taking round wine or making PA Facebook posts or appointing their husband as their knight in the loon drama, the harder it's going to be for anyone else to see who the loon is.

do you have an old school report?

on which case photocopy it and send a short email or WA etc
with a message attached

Dear Sarah

I’m concerned that you have a massive case of mistaken identity and you have repeatedly said you know me from x school. I went to y school
and I left in 20xx. Then I went to sixth for at y sixth form until I left for university in 20xx and I settled here with Graham in 20xx.

You had an altercation with my son at the Easter Parade and told him ‘you are just like your mum’. Given I genuinely don’t know you this is just not on.

You are spreading rumours that you know me and past wrongs. This is just pure defamation - pure and simple and it is having a negative impact not only on me but also my family.

Given I had corrected you already please can you ensure you correct the rumours started and correct them that you are mistaken.

I’d rather you came over for a cup of tea and we had a proper meet over a cuppa and get to know each other from scratch.

many thanks
Jane

Keep leading your life as you did before. Don’t miss church. Ignore her. But tell everyone else in the village the true story and that she has the wrong person.

yeah if you do have some photo of you at a different primary school in a different uniform and a sort of this is me at age 6 in 19xx I know for sure I didn't go to primary school with you but it must have been weird and shocking for you.

Those places absolutely will thrive off the gossip

Well then don't feed it!!!