To feel really stupid & naive

[dryingstuff]

I probably abu but just feel stupid & hurt tbh.

I live in a now popular part of London (it wasn't always so, I moved her when it was a bit crap hence why I could afford it).

Like many parts of London there is lots of amazing primaries but only a few good secondaries which are very oversubscribed. I have/had a really good network of neighbours/school mum friends, our dc are really close & as families we have all spent a lot of time together over the yrs. A few times I have mooted moving away & I've always been strongly discouraged because "our dc will all go to school together", "you're part of the group" "it won't be the same" etc. I've wanted to move for more choice of schools & to free up income. One difference between me & the majority of the group is that we have similar earnings but they have a lot more family money behind them although I guess I didn't realise how much.
Secondary school chat has ramped up & it now transpires that from our group 4 are choosing private school (previously there has always been a negative view on private), one is moving out and is under offer & another one has been tutoring for months for a selective place. It leaves me & 1 other, although she is closer to the secondary & tbh her dd is so bright that she could likely get a place at most schools without too much effort. It feels like the other 6 has discussed all this without us as this all came out in a recent chat. 2 were like "why don't you look at private", "ask family to help". There is no way we could afford private school for 2 dc. Of the 4 choosing it 3 have said gps have offered to help but our gps aren't in that position at all which they don't seem to understand. I guess I feel stupid for thinking we were really all friends & for believing that our dc would actually go to school together. I also feel like an idiot for not looking at tuition or going through with a move.

Sounds like they’re not really friends.

Yes that's what I feel but I thought we were so feel stupid.

Would you have been happy with the not so great schools if your friend's kids had been going there?!
Seems a bit silly to bleat on about being stuck with inferior options now that they've made a different one.

Wow you have well and truly been turned over by your 'friends' - unless they just assumed you'd all be sending your children to the same private school? (that sounds unlikely though)

Take this as a life lesson to live according to your own values and prioritise your family and it's needs first. You took the friend's words at face value regarding a huge decision and it's not come to pass.

You're free (and always were) to make your own decisions regarding moving / schooling.

Why does this show they arent your real friends? They didn’t want you to move because they value you and your DCs company - your local friends will always be sad if you move away! Just because they are choosing private school doesn’t mean they don’t value you.

@ReadersD1gest I don't really have an issue with the schools although sorry I won't get into any of the closer ones. It's more the idea I thought they would all be together.

Maybe they were naive and genuinely meant it but have had to adapt as reality dawned. Honestly, you have to take responsibility for your own decisions. No one stays in an area because their friends say so. You stayed because you chose to and now you have to own that decision not blame your (now maybe ex) mates. Everyone in London knows getting into good schools is an issue and everyone makes their own call on how to tackle that, whether moving (we moved pre-primary), paying, or sometimes staying put and getting lucky. It's a waste of time feeling stupid. Forget what everyone else is doing - friend groups completely change at secondary even if they all go to the same place - and focus on what to do now for your family. The only thing to take from this is that you've learnt a good lesson and can move forward - and move away if that makes sense.

worry not sorry

I wouldn't think they are not friends. They are just doing what they want for their dc. Remember, presuming they are all women, that their dcs fathers have a say in where they go too. Just look after your own children . They will do fine in whatever school you find for them. You are not stupid. Your dc will make new friends at their new schools and were never going to continue their whole lives being friends with your friends children. Keep the adult friends if you are close as they could be your friends for life. Let the dc go their separate ways. Don't blame the others for making decisions as you were genuinely free to make whatever decisions you made. Your dc will be fine. It's a time of change but not necessarily a bad thing.

@CrystalCoco whenever talk of private school came up (a few were privately educated) it was always very negative & dismissive. There is quite a few private schools around & talk has always been about they are elitist/lack diversity. I never really said much as have no experience.

Take this as a life lesson to live according to your own values and prioritise your family and it's needs first.

yes you are correct.

The dc all being together is not a good thing, believe me. Teens change a lot and issues are quite likely to arise. It's a fresh start.

I think they probably meant it at the time, but didn't realise the implications.

I don’t think it shows they are not your friends, but what adult makes their life decisions based on what their friends are doing? You are not teenagers. Everyone has to look at their personal situation and finances and decide on the best course of action. Is it too late for you to move or make other choices? I can see that you are feeling slightly blindsided and I think now is the time to start thinking about your family as an individual unit.

I don't think they are wrong to chose private school as I understand that everybody makes the best decision for their child. I guess I'm hurt by the fact the narrative to me was always like we will all be together like at nursery, primary, after school activities etc whereas behind my back there were other conversations.

This is why you always have to put yourself and your own family first op!

make a plan now about what to do for YOU now and keep your friends but know they put themselves first (everyone has to)

Also the state schools are really not terrible but then I went to London schools so maybe I'm less fearful.

I'm definitely a bit annoyed that they assumed my gps would be able or willing to pay.

Yabu to blame them. They have just got closer to it and had a change of heart. Some of those phrases are just placating "it won't be the same"

Kindly, it's a little naive to think anyone is truly deciding on their kids school and education based on what their friends are doing. Its only ever a small part of the picture. Sorry the transition is hard but I think you need to start being a bit more selfish about your kids future and if you want to move you need to do that.

I wouldn’t assume there were conversations behind your back. Most parents make these decisions within the family rather than consulting friends. I am surprised you let friends sway you in such a big life decision. Is your husband as close with the group as you are?

And the one moving away was really anti me moving, I guess it's weird that she never told me she was selling or moving.

This would annoy me too. It shows a lack of insight and privilege that I would find off putting in a friend.

@museumum the reason I believe that is because only me & 1 friend who didn't know about the tuition, discussions around which private school (2 have chosen the same one) & moving. We both found out after if that makes sense.

Children rarely stay friends when they move up to year 7 anyway. Then there's the teenage dramas and fall out that make it super awkward.

You should never pick a school based on mates as they all go their on way anyway. Friends that stay as close especially when there are more children and boyfriends and girlfriends in the mix, are quite rare.

It's probably a recent decision then. You're unlikely to be directly competing for the same houses so she hasnt given herself an advantage.

I'm honestly not trying to he a cow OP but when we are younger we assume our friends are always open with us and as teenagers and teen groups we often share everything. As adults that isnt the case, adults can, and are allowed, the be far more selective about who they tell what to, for any reason they like x

Perhaps they bumped into eachother at an open day or the kids talked about it?

This isnt about you.