To feel really stupid & naive

[dryingstuff]

I probably abu but just feel stupid & hurt tbh.

I live in a now popular part of London (it wasn't always so, I moved her when it was a bit crap hence why I could afford it).

Like many parts of London there is lots of amazing primaries but only a few good secondaries which are very oversubscribed. I have/had a really good network of neighbours/school mum friends, our dc are really close & as families we have all spent a lot of time together over the yrs. A few times I have mooted moving away & I've always been strongly discouraged because "our dc will all go to school together", "you're part of the group" "it won't be the same" etc. I've wanted to move for more choice of schools & to free up income. One difference between me & the majority of the group is that we have similar earnings but they have a lot more family money behind them although I guess I didn't realise how much.
Secondary school chat has ramped up & it now transpires that from our group 4 are choosing private school (previously there has always been a negative view on private), one is moving out and is under offer & another one has been tutoring for months for a selective place. It leaves me & 1 other, although she is closer to the secondary & tbh her dd is so bright that she could likely get a place at most schools without too much effort. It feels like the other 6 has discussed all this without us as this all came out in a recent chat. 2 were like "why don't you look at private", "ask family to help". There is no way we could afford private school for 2 dc. Of the 4 choosing it 3 have said gps have offered to help but our gps aren't in that position at all which they don't seem to understand. I guess I feel stupid for thinking we were really all friends & for believing that our dc would actually go to school together. I also feel like an idiot for not looking at tuition or going through with a move.

YABU and should be making decisions based on you and your family. It’s not too late to get your house on the market and look for a quick sale if you want to explore better schools further afield.

In my experience most people are negative about primary school until it’s their own DCs turn and then morals go out the window and they’ll just do what’s best for their child. Prime example the labour MP Diane Abbott.

move on, what is best for your DC now?

@Ireolu I do want to ask her but didn't get her alone & would rather do it in person than phone/text.

Really crazy to think this means they are not your friends. ‘Oh don’t move they will all go to secondary together’ is just a comment.
Our nct group regularly say ‘oh imagine when they are all at school together so cute’ but it doesn’t literally mean picking a school based on where a friend is sending their child!
Why do your kids need to go to the same school for you to be friends?

Dont worry about them now.

Prioritise your own kid.

But presumably you didn't only NOT move away because a few friends made passing comments about it being nice for your DC to go to school together?

Why on earth have you allowed your friends to have such enormous influence over your family's choices?

I think YABVVVU and naive for assuming your friends will put the group friendship before their DC education options/needs.

I don't expect this, it's more the volte-face that has thrown me.

I really don't think that this is a reflection on your friendship. Lots of people dismiss private education but when it comes to the crunch many woukd opt for it if they coukd afford it. They are simply putting the needs of their children first in the way they think.is best.

I think your friends have been underhand and have said one thing and done another. Of course they can change their minds and choose other options that suit their family but having been so opinionated about the children staying together they should have been upfront so you too had time to replan and explore alternatives. I feel that it is this lack of honesty that I’d find hurtful and disappointing. On a positive it sounds like your decision to stay was a good one aside from this situation and I am sure your DC will find new friends and do well at whatever school you choose. Good luck!

In a similar situation in London but child only in year 1 so it's a long way ahead yet.
I think in London you always have to assume a large proportion will end up going private whatever their purported politics. And totally agree with the just not understanding that it's not a financial option but.
Sorry OP. It's not too late to move if you don't get into the school you hoped for. Secondary doesn't get really critical til year 9 and the great thing about state in London is that there's always a lot of in and outward movement so moving doesn't end up meaning you're the token "new kid"

@Inthesamesinkingboat I need to weigh things up. I would be very happy with the closest school but some dc are having to go to other boroughs due to the demand, I'd prefer a shorter journey. We ruled out moving out of London already but we may look at moving to another borough with a few more options.

@Everythingstaken thank you

When they go to high school they kids tend to leave all their old friends behind and make new ones anyway - it's unlikely they'll be in the same classes as all their primary school friends so I really think you're fretting over nothing.

I don’t think you’re wrong to feel hurt. Essentially they lied, talking lots of crap about private schools and then sending them there. Not great people really let alone friends. Why not be honest?

In my friendship group half sent theirs private but were quite open about it. The one with most money and fab job sent theirs to the comp ( not London). The differences in outcomes now they are all at Uni is non existent. They are all going to same aspirational Uni’s and two from either sector have had kids not wanting to go and joining work schemes. Whilst the private kids are probably more confident, they have had mental health issues relating to trans, drink and drugs and depression.

So really it’s a long game. Give your children positivity and encourage them to do what they love rather than keeping up with others for the sake of it.

@YukoandHiro there was barely any chat in yr 1 but in yr 4 it really started to ramp up! It just wasn't a thing when i was at school. You are correct about lots of movement.

I think you have been naive but not stupid.
We live in a very selective, middle class area. No one ever discusses tuition, it’s a dirty word but everyone does it. It’s like voting conservative or supporting brexit - people do it but they just don’t tell any one.
Look at this as a lesson learned and always do what is right for you and your family. And regarding education always be a step ahead.
It might seem forever away but looking ahead to A levels and Uni is next 🙃

If it’s any consolation kids at even the worst secondary schools get great exam results and go to the best universities. It’s just a different road they travel.

@Marchintospring Why not be honest? that's the big that I'm
hurt by.

but!!

bit! 3rd time lucky

It’s like voting conservative or supporting brexit - people do it but they just don’t tell any one.

🤣 this is so true

Why have you based huge life decisions on what your friends have said?

This is a little harsh - but it hits at the core of it. And, I suppose, if you’ve done that it’s because that friendship group had more of a significance to you than it did to them - and it’s come as a bit of a hurtful shock to find out. But it doesn’t mean that these people aren’t your friends, or that anyone has done anything wrong. People won’t announce “I’m tutoring for a selective place” because it’s then retry heartbreaking for the kid in question if she doesn’t get in. Shouting “we’re so lucky that Fred’s parents are going to pay half the private school fees” is a little insensitive if others don’t have that support (and given you are clearly pretty anti private education, they may have felt uncomfortable to tell you). But nobody’s done anything wrong; there’s been no plot to keep you here and then go behind your back. Just remember to put yourself and your own family front and centre of any decision making in future - just like everyone else does.

I wouldn't worry about it. You were happy for your children to go to the local state school before, so nothing has really changed at all. If you now decide you want to move, just do it.

and given you are clearly pretty anti private education, they may have felt uncomfortable to tell you

@WimpoleHat why do you say that? i'm not at all. I never considered it as an option because we can't afford it.

Are you talking about tutoring for a place at a selective private school? I am surprised they’ve been studying all year for that. I could understand if the parents were trying for the state selective grammars and tutoring was to pass the 11 plus… mind you, that would have started beforehand. For reference, my dd is at private secondary as are some of her friends. Dd joined in yr9 and it’s supposedly harder to get into private school past year 6/7.

As for schooling, the general advice is to put down the schools you / your dd prefers first and ensure choice 3 is in catchment. However, you should check each school’s admissions criteria before submitting the choices.

You don’t want to move areas. But if push comes to shove, you could send your chiod(ren) to private school by selling up, moving out of area and buying something cheaper using the profit to pay for fees. Not suggesting that you do this. But it’s always an option.

Lesson learned and you need to move on from this. We could have educated our daughter privately, but my husband was dead set against it as he had a miserable experience at a well regarded private school. She did fine and is now in a management role with a blue chip company. Didn't want to go to Uni.

As others have said children choose new friendship groups when they move to secondary anyway. I'm sure your child will be fine at a state secondary.