To feel really stupid & naive

[dryingstuff]

I probably abu but just feel stupid & hurt tbh.

I live in a now popular part of London (it wasn't always so, I moved her when it was a bit crap hence why I could afford it).

Like many parts of London there is lots of amazing primaries but only a few good secondaries which are very oversubscribed. I have/had a really good network of neighbours/school mum friends, our dc are really close & as families we have all spent a lot of time together over the yrs. A few times I have mooted moving away & I've always been strongly discouraged because "our dc will all go to school together", "you're part of the group" "it won't be the same" etc. I've wanted to move for more choice of schools & to free up income. One difference between me & the majority of the group is that we have similar earnings but they have a lot more family money behind them although I guess I didn't realise how much.
Secondary school chat has ramped up & it now transpires that from our group 4 are choosing private school (previously there has always been a negative view on private), one is moving out and is under offer & another one has been tutoring for months for a selective place. It leaves me & 1 other, although she is closer to the secondary & tbh her dd is so bright that she could likely get a place at most schools without too much effort. It feels like the other 6 has discussed all this without us as this all came out in a recent chat. 2 were like "why don't you look at private", "ask family to help". There is no way we could afford private school for 2 dc. Of the 4 choosing it 3 have said gps have offered to help but our gps aren't in that position at all which they don't seem to understand. I guess I feel stupid for thinking we were really all friends & for believing that our dc would actually go to school together. I also feel like an idiot for not looking at tuition or going through with a move.

Yes, as George Mikes observed in 'How to be a Brit'; "In England, they hardly ever lie, but they would not dream of telling you the truth".

See my earlier post.

Your mistake was not realising school mum friends may seem really close and those friendships are both special and supportive mainly because you are at the same life stages with your kids, but the friendships are normally (not always) transient until the kids move on. You should never have based significant life decisions on a mum friendship group and the other mums never did anything wrong doing the same.

Ds went to secondary with all his friends (we are in Scotland so all went to catchment), but partly because of different registration classes/houses and partly because they matured and developed different interests, they fairly quickly grew apart and very few of them are in the same friendship groups, and most of the mum friendships naturally, but amicably, fell away.

We watch out for all the kids as they spent so much time at each others houses, and still comment occasionally on each others FB posts or, if we hear something concerning about the kids will pass it on, but the mum pub crawls meet ups no longer happen.

This happened to us many years ago.
My DS turned down a full scholarship to stay with a friend into 6th form. We were very unhappy about it but he was super mature and gave good reasons including the major public school not playing his sport. Next thing we know the other boy is off to a private school leaving our son behind. You need to do what is right for your child. It is very competitive in our neck of the woods, particularly so at 11+. My son is friends with all his school cohort some going back to age 3! I only still see three people from the school gate mums. The rest are just nosey blighters. Life changes quickly when they become teenagers.

Okay. You now need to look at your options and get your ducks in a row.
I may have missed it but how many dc do you have and what year are they in?
Option 1 - you apply in September (?) for your nearest state school
Option 2 - you sell up and move in catchment of your favoured state school
Option 3 - you look at the entry process/exams and also try for a scholarship
Base it all on what is best for your family as a whole. Ofsted reports are a picture of the school at that time and staff turnover plays a huge part.
If you had an area in mind, go for it. Easier now than later.
If you had no clear preferences and your child is bright, they will manage the transition if you stay put and go local.
Stress of scholarships and keeping up with the Jones would rule out the third one for some but not too late for you to apply.

This thread proves the lengths people will go to do what they feel best for their kids. I do think it's rubbish of these 'friends' to have not mentioned anything to the OP, but even they might have their reasons. Kinda relates to that thread the other day about abolishing private schools; it really won't solve the problems with state schools and closing the inequality gap. OP is fortunate to live in an area where the schools aren't too bad so I don't believe her DC will miss out. I hope OPs DC are able to look ahead to a bright future and not back at what's been lost.

I've never really voiced my opinions irl about how I feel about private/state education, but I absolutely have seen people's attitudes change when they started having kids. We should all just do what's best for our own kids, humans be humaning everywhere, every day.

I think this is a London thing as the exact same thing happened to me. I think the competition for places is so fierce everyone does their own thing and keep it secret as they view every other child as competition - even for private school places. I was totally open about the fact that I was having my child tutored and that I was applying for selective schools and private schools in addition to comprehensive schools. Mums in my circle, including one who I thought was a pretty close friend, were very negative about private schools along the lines of disagreeing with the concept of it. She continued to say they weren't considering sending their son to private on the day that he came back from sitting the entrance exam!!!! When I pointed out that her son had just sat the exam, she denied that it meant they had any intention of sending him there. Another, super-ambitious mum, played up a comprehensive school as being really good and somewhere I should definitely apply to - I then found it she wasn't putting it down as one of her preferred schools. I found the whole thing utterly laughable and viewed those who bullshitted as bald-faced liars who could no longer be trusted. Fortunately I've still got friends from my son's primary school who weren't like that. To end the story - the son of the mum who wholly disagreed on principle with private schools is now at the same private school as my son. The super-ambitious mum's son is at a grammar and her husband 'likes' anything on social media about the abolition of private schools. It's all completely ridiculous but try not to feel bad. You're a decent person. They're a bunch of shits.

It's not necessarily "the world of London". It's the world you choose. If you're happy with the local state school, go to the local state schools and make friends there. Problem solved!

Why the fudge would you make any life decisions based on a vague possibility that your primary aged DC would go to the same secondary as their friends? This is such a minor point in the grand scheme of their lives. A lot of people don't go to the same secondary as their primary school friends and come out of secondary with amazing friendships.. honestly again.. WTF?

You're being ridiculous, are you seriously from London? I'm also from London born and raised and didn't know anyone who went to private school ( definitely not in those circles), but even then, loads of my primary school friends all went to different secondaries within the state system and then again at 16, lots of us switched it up again and went to different 6th forms or colleges... some friendships endure to this day, others fell away. Its life.
Going to school in London is great though because even if you go to different schools, you can hang out with other friends after school- the freedom of a big city-and you're never that far from them (sometimes their school is literally just down the road). I definitely didn't only know people from just my school. Again, not sure you're really from London...?

@Winebeckons "She continued to say they weren't considering sending their son to private on the day that he came back from sitting the entrance exam!!!!" that's mental 😆

Actually I remember now one friend was a bit funny about the fact my dc was in the strings club at school. I got the impression she was a bit annoyed about it for some reason (her dd also played an instrument). She asked me how come I hadn't said anything earlier but there wasn't anything to tell. The music teacher phoned me up & said dd tried an instrument in a lesson & showed aptitude & would I like lessons. A few weeks later she was invited into the strings club, I didn't do private lessons or anything.

@Sandinmyknickers Again, not sure you're really from London...?

oh gosh you're not one of those who thinks 1/2 gen immigrants aren't from London? Perhaps you just had a different experience to me....I also think you misunderstood my point, I wasn't expecting all the dc to necessarily go to the same school. It was more when people were saying they were planning X but weren't actually doing that.

A lot of people don't go to the same secondary as their primary school friends and come out of secondary with amazing friendships.. honestly again.. WTF?

This is what you took from my post? WTF!!! 😆

It's had to know what to take from your post, tbh.

You seem to think the way your friends have organised both their children's education and where they choose to live is some sort of Machiavellian plot to leave you behind; and you're smarting because you didn't move house because they told you not to.
Time to take charge of your own life and stop worrying about what others are doing.

We reading the same thread fam? How bizarre

fam

🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣

How would I know? I know what I'm reading... <shrugs>

OP I Hope that you’ve taken from this thread not to take it personally, and then I hope you’re feeling better about it.

I do agree with @SequinsandStilettos though, what you need to do at this stage is working out how realistic a it is that your DD will get into the school which you like as you seem to be a bit vague about it. You can usually find from the local authority website, school itself, or from a website called locrating how close or far you need to be to the school to be guaranteed a place. Some councils have the details of the furthest distance offered for the last few years for each school. If you find out the details and you’re well within the area where offers have been made for the last few years then you don’t really need to be worry about someone sweeping it at the last minute and buying a house closer to the school than you are. However if you’re right on the edge of the boundary of where offers were made in the last few years, then I would be looking at what other schools are available and whether you would likely to get into them. TBH most parents I know worked out around year 4 which schools were unlikely, possible or guaranteed. If you’re not happy with the default option (i.e the one you’ll definitely get in to) then I would be considering relocating asap.

You shouldn’t have to but as everyone else does they are raising the bar.
So yes
I’d definitely get a tutor.
Search online too.
There are loads of YouTube videos focusing on different aspects of the curriculum.
Just Google the subject that your dc needs help with and voila

I get it. You are hurt that they didn’t tell you that they were open about what they were doing for secondary school. At this stage though people get very secretive of what they are doing because they don’t want extra competition. I doubt they told each other though.

Yes this. I’m afraid this happens a lot.

This!! You are well-shot of these people. Your DC will be fine in a London state school and therefore so will you. 🌻

They could have been more transparent from the start. We are in London and everyone I know was open about where they were applying. So we could share tips and anguish. Like the good friends we are.

I would be disappointed in the way they did this so you found out at the very last minute. I get why you feel a bit ‘betrayed’. Your child will of course very likely be fine in their new school.

Op these people are not your friends.
In fact you were very foolish to even fall for this. Off course everyone will do what's in the best interest of their child?! They received opportunities to send kids to private school and they took it. What did you expect? Tell me, if you got an opportunity to send your kid to a really good private school and none of them could, would you deny them the opportunity just because you promised your friends? That's what it comes across like? I would not look for friendships among your kids friends parents. Maybe I'm just cynical, or maybe I've been through the 7+ a few times to know that just look out for your own child.

Just because you know this stuff isn't about you doesn't mean you can't have your feelings.

You feel hurt. I can understand why. Process your feelings by whatever method works for you (I do that with writing. No one needs to see your writings. Destroy it after) and then you can let go. If it stings again after, rinse and repeat. Works on any issue.

This isn't about the choices they have made for their children. It's about how you feel about you because you listened to them and didn't do what you wanted to do at the time, out of loyalty, etc.

Healthily deal with your feelings and move on. They haven't told you before cos they know what they said to you, you listened and they feel guilty.

That's their stuff, not yours. They were never friends anyway. Friends don't talk you out of doing what was right for you at that time, then.