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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel really stupid & naive

227 replies

dryingstuff · 16/04/2023 09:02

I probably abu but just feel stupid & hurt tbh.

I live in a now popular part of London (it wasn't always so, I moved her when it was a bit crap hence why I could afford it).

Like many parts of London there is lots of amazing primaries but only a few good secondaries which are very oversubscribed. I have/had a really good network of neighbours/school mum friends, our dc are really close & as families we have all spent a lot of time together over the yrs. A few times I have mooted moving away & I've always been strongly discouraged because "our dc will all go to school together", "you're part of the group" "it won't be the same" etc. I've wanted to move for more choice of schools & to free up income. One difference between me & the majority of the group is that we have similar earnings but they have a lot more family money behind them although I guess I didn't realise how much.
Secondary school chat has ramped up & it now transpires that from our group 4 are choosing private school (previously there has always been a negative view on private), one is moving out and is under offer & another one has been tutoring for months for a selective place. It leaves me & 1 other, although she is closer to the secondary & tbh her dd is so bright that she could likely get a place at most schools without too much effort. It feels like the other 6 has discussed all this without us as this all came out in a recent chat. 2 were like "why don't you look at private", "ask family to help". There is no way we could afford private school for 2 dc. Of the 4 choosing it 3 have said gps have offered to help but our gps aren't in that position at all which they don't seem to understand. I guess I feel stupid for thinking we were really all friends & for believing that our dc would actually go to school together. I also feel like an idiot for not looking at tuition or going through with a move.

OP posts:
Heronwatcher · 16/04/2023 09:45

Maybe their GPS talked them into it. “They can all go to secondary together” sounds like something people say rather than mean. Had you asked any of them directly, “so what are you thinking for x in terms of secondary?” Is it too late to move now if that’s what you want to do? But don’t take this personally, it happens everywhere.

TheHoover · 16/04/2023 09:47

But basing your decisions on your freinds needs was never going to work out. They were probably just expressing that theyd rrally miss you and not likibg the change, rather than promising your dc would be together all through school.

i agree with this. I also find it odd that they would do anything other than express disappointment at your intentions towards moving away. Do you really think you were strongly persuaded not to move? What about your DH/DP - or are you a single mum?

Original poster
dryingstuff · 16/04/2023 09:48

I don't think i ever really wanted to move away but thought I should consider it for the usual reasons people think about or move out of London. I think I made the right decision in staying particularly as parents are getting older. DH was keener on the move but it's his parents that have had a few health scares so I think he's glad he didn't too. DH is defo surprised that his friend has chosen private. It went to one of the roughest comps & did fine so not bothered about state at all.

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Wnikat · 16/04/2023 09:49

They are not responsible for where you kid goes to school. If you make major life decisions on the basis of a few offhand comments on play dates then yes you are pretty naive.

Original poster
dryingstuff · 16/04/2023 09:52

Don’t be silly, OP. Are you actually saying that you didn’t move away because your friends told you not to, and now you feel they ‘owe’ you to send their children to whatever school yours will attend, because you thought there was some kind of ‘contract’?

Gosh I hope i'm not coming across like that. I feel hurt but I guess i'm wrong

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Chchchanges23 · 16/04/2023 09:53

dryingstuff · 16/04/2023 09:17

I don't think they are wrong to chose private school as I understand that everybody makes the best decision for their child. I guess I'm hurt by the fact the narrative to me was always like we will all be together like at nursery, primary, after school activities etc whereas behind my back there were other conversations.

Honestly, you’re reading far too much into this situation. Nobody plots behind their friend’s back to gang up and pay for private education. You are not part of their family decision-making, and it’s odd that you felt they played a part in yours.

It sounds like a reasonably big group (6+), and as someone also in a similar sized friendship group I can reassure you that it’s normal for smaller groups to form within for different reasons. Doesn’t diminish the whole group, just pairs up people with different interests. Please don’t take their interest in private education as a withdrawal from you.

Those poor kids will all hate each-other, or at least get bored with each-other, if all you adults keep them together from nursery to adulthood. None of the kids in my friend group went to primary together, let alone secondary. Friendships amongst the kids stand and fall on their own merits, now is the time to let them pick a wide circle themselves.

Original poster
dryingstuff · 16/04/2023 09:54

@MzHz yes it's also that realisation. The dc won't see each other as much due the others having longer journeys & some will have to drop out of the activities they do together.

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Original poster
dryingstuff · 16/04/2023 09:54

@HiddenGiraffes well it is aibu 😆

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Zanatdy · 16/04/2023 09:54

dryingstuff · 16/04/2023 09:52

Don’t be silly, OP. Are you actually saying that you didn’t move away because your friends told you not to, and now you feel they ‘owe’ you to send their children to whatever school yours will attend, because you thought there was some kind of ‘contract’?

Gosh I hope i'm not coming across like that. I feel hurt but I guess i'm wrong

That’s exactly how it sounds. Life changes, they are making decisions on what’s best for their child and their financial circumstances. Don’t let it ruin friendships. They aren’t under a contract to all go to the same school

Original poster
dryingstuff · 16/04/2023 09:54

@Heronwatcher yes we specifically talked about secondary options a number of times.

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EllenLRipley · 16/04/2023 09:55

This is very very common behaviour. So common I warn people about it! People are secretive and lie when it comes to schools - it is very odd but common. I know of one girl in my DD class who specifically chose a specific school to be with one friend - all discussed with parents - meanwhile I knew the other girl was tutoring for a private school place and lying.

Original poster
dryingstuff · 16/04/2023 09:58

I also find it odd that they would do anything other than express disappointment at your intentions towards moving away. Do you really think you were strongly persuaded not to move?

Of course I recognise it's normal to express regret when someone moves. But it's things like we had a group night out in March & they were like "aren't you so glad you didn't leave", "all the dc are such good friends" including the friend who had sold. 😆

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Original poster
dryingstuff · 16/04/2023 10:00

If you make major life decisions on the basis of a few offhand comments on play dates then yes you are pretty naive.

It's not really like this, as you go up the school years there really is a lot of chat about secondaries & a lot of anxiety. The school has evenings that talk through the process & options.

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Ireolu · 16/04/2023 10:01

Would be strange to ball face lie about their decision schools wise. But I also don't think it is necessary to discuss the intricacies of decision making either even if they may have changed their minds in private. It's done now anyway and not much you can do to influence their plans. It's time to focus on whats best for your children.

bingobluey78 · 16/04/2023 10:02

Same here OP and I felt naive too. Had local friends and we'd increasingly talk about how our kids would all go the local comp. Must have all been BS. I don't even think any of them even went to look around it. Only mine of the group went. We would never consider private education and have been very happy with the local school on the whole. Both kids achieving just as well if not better than their old friends. We're all still friends but it did baffle/annoy me when it transpired the talk of them all going to local comp was always bullshit

Original poster
dryingstuff · 16/04/2023 10:02

@EllenLRipley I think it's the secrecy that is bothering more. I know from another parent the prep that goes into moving a kid from a state primary to secondary or tutoring for a selective place.

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Dithyramb · 16/04/2023 10:02

dryingstuff · 16/04/2023 10:00

If you make major life decisions on the basis of a few offhand comments on play dates then yes you are pretty naive.

It's not really like this, as you go up the school years there really is a lot of chat about secondaries & a lot of anxiety. The school has evenings that talk through the process & options.

So why, despite all this information and process, did you drift along in the belief that the group was going to resolve the secondary school ‘anxiety’ for you?

Rowthe · 16/04/2023 10:03

YABU

I think you've been really naive.

In the end people will put their kids first and decide what's best for them, not any agreements they may have made with others.

Original poster
dryingstuff · 16/04/2023 10:04

@bingobluey78 maybe it's area specific! I do worry mine won't get into the closest comp but I don't have concerns about them going there. It's the bs as you say that I don't get. I would maybe understand if i was vocally opposed to private but i'm not.

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Original poster
dryingstuff · 16/04/2023 10:05

@Dithyramb obviously i made the mistake of believing what my friends said. I completely accept i've been naive.

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Rowthe · 16/04/2023 10:06

dryingstuff · 16/04/2023 10:02

@EllenLRipley I think it's the secrecy that is bothering more. I know from another parent the prep that goes into moving a kid from a state primary to secondary or tutoring for a selective place.

With regards to prepping for a selective school, it's not something I would advertise, to ensure there is less pressure on my daughter.

The only people I would tell would be family.

Iceicebabytoocold · 16/04/2023 10:06

I think YABVVVU and naive for assuming your friends will put the group friendship before their DC education options/needs. Time for you to make your own plans for your DC and future.

Ireolu · 16/04/2023 10:07

dryingstuff · 16/04/2023 09:58

I also find it odd that they would do anything other than express disappointment at your intentions towards moving away. Do you really think you were strongly persuaded not to move?

Of course I recognise it's normal to express regret when someone moves. But it's things like we had a group night out in March & they were like "aren't you so glad you didn't leave", "all the dc are such good friends" including the friend who had sold. 😆

Have you asked the one that is moving why she didn't tell you she had put her house up? I would, because feigning gratitude for you still being around whilst she was planning to pack up to leave does not strike me as friendship.

MargaretThursday · 16/04/2023 10:09

I would expect that all children at school together was primary. Once they're at secondary they choose their own friends, which isn't necessarily mum's friends'dc, and you don't all meet at the school gate.

You can still stay friends with them.

Original poster
dryingstuff · 16/04/2023 10:09

@Rowthe yes i suppose i didn't consider that. I had a tutor for a bit to help with 1 dcs writing (after covid) but was very open about it & passes the details on to some of her classmates

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