To feel really stupid & naive

[dryingstuff]

I probably abu but just feel stupid & hurt tbh.

I live in a now popular part of London (it wasn't always so, I moved her when it was a bit crap hence why I could afford it).

Like many parts of London there is lots of amazing primaries but only a few good secondaries which are very oversubscribed. I have/had a really good network of neighbours/school mum friends, our dc are really close & as families we have all spent a lot of time together over the yrs. A few times I have mooted moving away & I've always been strongly discouraged because "our dc will all go to school together", "you're part of the group" "it won't be the same" etc. I've wanted to move for more choice of schools & to free up income. One difference between me & the majority of the group is that we have similar earnings but they have a lot more family money behind them although I guess I didn't realise how much.
Secondary school chat has ramped up & it now transpires that from our group 4 are choosing private school (previously there has always been a negative view on private), one is moving out and is under offer & another one has been tutoring for months for a selective place. It leaves me & 1 other, although she is closer to the secondary & tbh her dd is so bright that she could likely get a place at most schools without too much effort. It feels like the other 6 has discussed all this without us as this all came out in a recent chat. 2 were like "why don't you look at private", "ask family to help". There is no way we could afford private school for 2 dc. Of the 4 choosing it 3 have said gps have offered to help but our gps aren't in that position at all which they don't seem to understand. I guess I feel stupid for thinking we were really all friends & for believing that our dc would actually go to school together. I also feel like an idiot for not looking at tuition or going through with a move.

Really the whole idea was naive including the part where the kids went to the same school happily. Year 7 and 8 can be torrid times of friendship break ups and drama. It might be best to keep friendship and school issues separate.

@Sundaefraise i assume they thought it was also not possible hence why I was left out of conversations.

@museumum yes DHs closest friend in the group went to boarding school & is the most opposed or was.

Maybe there were no deep discussions, maybe they just made decisions about their kids without reference to the group at large as you seem to have done?
I'm truly baffled that you let these people sway you into making decisions that you now see weren't to your family's advantage.

my other group of friends who have left London are people I went to school with from yr 6/7 so I guess I don't see it as normal to lose those friends. Similar for dh.

You mentioned earlier that DC are unlikely to get into nearest schools, why? Surely it's all about the distance. If you think your kids will be fine in a London state school (as you were) then have faith and don't buy into the middle class panic.

Could you be a little mad at yourself for being so easily talked out of what was best for your family? They are all doing what’s best for their family, you can’t be mad at them for that. I say that as someone who hates private education.

What does this mean? They did leave?

@CheersForThatEh she listed in Jan & had offer accepted a few wks later. I think it's a bit weird to not tell me until now. I'm not worried about competing for the same house.

A few times I have mooted moving away & I've always been strongly discouraged because "our dc will all go to school together", "you're part of the group" "it won't be the same" etc

Basing your decisions on moving house on what your friends say is pretty unusual. You need to do what’s best for you and your family. What does your partner think?

As adults that isnt the case, adults can, and are allowed, the be far more selective about who they tell what to, for any reason they like x

I get that but i normally think friends are at least honest with you.

Perhaps they bumped into eachother at an open day or the kids talked about it?

No they went to a few open days together & the tuition started in Sept.

This isnt about you.

I don't think it is either & perhaps i'm wrong to feel hurt.

Maybe they had no intention of sending their children private, so were quite disparaging of it but now their families have stepped up and offered to help they’re happy to do it, and maybe they didn’t want to discuss it in front of you knowing that it’s not an option for you and they problem feel like dickheads seeing as they encouraged you to stay, based on a decision they’ve now changed their minds over.

I wouldn’t think it’s a massive conversation that’s happened behind your back for malicious purposes based on what you’ve said, they sound like a good friend group overall who had pipe dreams of the kids all growing up together, but now it’s getting closer they’ve had to come to terms with the fact it’s probably not going to happen for various reasons?

You are not being unreasonable to feel disappointed and even hurt that this has worked out this way but you really have to own your own decisions.
What did your Dc father think about it all?
You have been foolish to base such big life choices on the say so of your friends.
As you have found out people make choices based on what will be best for their children. This is not particularly selfish or mean, just real
life.
I can’t quite work out from what you’ve said whether your DC is now stuck with a boy very good school as the only option??
I don’t think that these people are bad friends.

@ReadersD1gest in their 30s & we are still all very close

Why have you based huge life decisions on what your friends have said?

OP, it might not be logical, but in your shoes Id feel put out too.
It does seem unusual that none of your close friends at the same stage as you mentioned that they were looking at alternatives.
And I can see why the assumption that articularly "everyone" has parents who can & will pay for private school and that you'd accept the help.

The idea that even if the dc all went to secondary together they would remain friends, do activities together etc just like nursery and primary is flawed from the start. In secondary, the dc can explore who they are and who they like, not who is in their small class of 30. They can branch out and choose from hundreds of potential friends.

Both my teens have kept none of their primary friends in their main group of socialising. They’ve found people with whom they share more in common and I think that’s normal. I’m still friends with some of the mums from baby group all those years ago because those are friends I choose. My dc didn’t.

I can imagine it’s all a shock, but your dc will quickly make new friends at school as they would have anyway. It’s up to you if you want to keep your friendships with the mums going.

Don’t be silly, OP. Are you actually saying that you didn’t move away because your friends told you not to, and now you feel they ‘owe’ you to send their children to whatever school yours will attend, because you thought there was some kind of ‘contract’?

Posted too soon! But basing your decisions on your freinds needs was never going to work out. They were probably just expressing that theyd rrally miss you and not likibg the change, rather than promising your dc would be together all through school.

Move out of London! You’ll make loads of money on the property, enough to fund really good school education for your kids - if indeed you’d even need it!

we weren’t in London, but my parents moved us when I got to secondary level because they could not afford to sent both of us, so we moved to where the schools were a lot better

@hettie I've been reading about some bulge years & the distance offered have really shrunk. some parents leaving school this summer haven't got places they expected as in past yrs they would have.

I'm fine with my dc going to state & private was never an option because I can't afford it.

Look, things can change, maybe they looked around the state schools and had worries, as others have said

moving had pros and cons. I would have had more school options but leaving family, friends and community is quite hard or maybe i'm wrong to think that.

And in my experience if the parents send their kids to another school or private school they won’t invite your kids to join them, they all tend to hurl themselves into the private school life

Not sure why you are getting a hard time from some posters. Yes, it probably wasn't a malicious plot and they probably felt awkward telling you after their previous comments. They should have, though. The one who is moving should certainly have mentioned it.