To feel really stupid & naive

[dryingstuff]

I probably abu but just feel stupid & hurt tbh.

I live in a now popular part of London (it wasn't always so, I moved her when it was a bit crap hence why I could afford it).

Like many parts of London there is lots of amazing primaries but only a few good secondaries which are very oversubscribed. I have/had a really good network of neighbours/school mum friends, our dc are really close & as families we have all spent a lot of time together over the yrs. A few times I have mooted moving away & I've always been strongly discouraged because "our dc will all go to school together", "you're part of the group" "it won't be the same" etc. I've wanted to move for more choice of schools & to free up income. One difference between me & the majority of the group is that we have similar earnings but they have a lot more family money behind them although I guess I didn't realise how much.
Secondary school chat has ramped up & it now transpires that from our group 4 are choosing private school (previously there has always been a negative view on private), one is moving out and is under offer & another one has been tutoring for months for a selective place. It leaves me & 1 other, although she is closer to the secondary & tbh her dd is so bright that she could likely get a place at most schools without too much effort. It feels like the other 6 has discussed all this without us as this all came out in a recent chat. 2 were like "why don't you look at private", "ask family to help". There is no way we could afford private school for 2 dc. Of the 4 choosing it 3 have said gps have offered to help but our gps aren't in that position at all which they don't seem to understand. I guess I feel stupid for thinking we were really all friends & for believing that our dc would actually go to school together. I also feel like an idiot for not looking at tuition or going through with a move.

@Mummyoflittledragon yes quite a few private's are selective here. The one tutoring for the selective state place started in September. Thank you.

Never make big decisions based on what 'friends' are doing. Do things your own way

OP your friends would be horrified to think that you stayed in this area to the detriment of your family.

Of course they said it was great you’d decided to stay, so you and the kids could continue to be friends, why wouldn’t they - you are their friend?

And no they didn’t deliberately keep you in the dark about school choices. In a group friendship it’s normal that separate conversations happen between people who are interested in the same things.

They would assume that you would be cracking on with what was best for you, as they are.

Yes you have been foolish in not making your own plans, but you haven’t been naive in your friendships - on the evidence you provide they haven’t let you down and you are wrong to suggest they have.

Put this behind you, get on with deciding with your husband what you are doing to do now, and stop blaming other people for your mistakes. You aren’t 10 - real friend up does not mean you are walking every step of life together.

It's a life lesson, they are just doing what they think is best for their children and you should do the same. Independent schooling isn't something that many can afford, in the absence of that being an option, London state secondary schools are very good.

We were in a similar position to you but did move out - from the group that we were friends with and all were adamant would stay very few have!

Like the friends you describe I had every intention of my children being educated through the state system and also am not fully comfortable with certain aspects of independent schooling - having moved out of London we did subsequently move our children to an independent prep school as regardless of my feelings it was in their best interests in the circumstances.

You are friends with these people regardless of whether your children attend the same schools. Decide what is best for you and your family regardless of the others! If you are good friends you will remain so.

Out of interest, are you in East Dulwich by any chance? All sounds so familiar 🤣

Off to enjoy the rest of my holiday now as I was stewing on it a bit. Thanks for all the feedback, I do feel somewhat better.

OP I take it your child is in y5 currently? If so they are still at the age where all kids will normally run off and play together. Let me tell you, this totally changes and very quickly over the next 2 years. The development from the end of y5 to the end of y7 particularly in girls is astonishing. They start to pick their own friends and don’t want to hang out with other peers they get along less with. Even if they had all gone to the same school, it would be an incredibly small chance they would have all remained friendly with each other. Once other friends become involved outside the group all the dramas start, arguments, fall outs, a couple of the groups may feel they ‘wouldn’t be seen dead’ with the others because they are saddo’s or whatever. It then gets super super awkward with the parents.
Its actually far better in someways to have friends that are not in your school and away from rival friends etc.
As for you thinking you would all ‘stay together’ I’m not sure how you ever believed this? I mean what if 1 or 2 didn’t get the school place the others were going for? What if some of the group after seeing the secondary school you were all going for, didn't like it? It’s an incredibly personal and important choice where you send your kids to secondary school and what is right for one child is totally wrong for another. They are not 4 and starting primary- this is a totally different ball game. So yes, you were very naive in thinking they would all stick together no matter what anyone else said.
I don’t think your friends have deliberately set about to hurt you although they could have been more open. They are just doing what they feel is right for their child. I would have an open conversation about your concerns with one of your better friends in the group to find out their reasonings as to why they changed their minds.

Put this behind you, get on with deciding with your husband what you are doing to do now, and stop blaming other people for your mistakes.

I don't really understand this point. I don't consider sending my dc to a state school a mistake? Private was never an option & tbh I don't think one of the grammars would be suitable as they are highly competitive & pressurised.

You know a lot of people will open their mouths and let their belly rumble. The all-friends-together-forever is a lovely notion that we all find appealing, especially in the warmth of a group setting. It's a fantasy though...kids grow up and apart, jobs facilitate a move, someone with more cash goes private...etc etc. The variables are endless.

Yes you were naive not to anticipate that but I do sympathise with your hurt feelings.

Friends are not family, they are often transient. As you can see, your group already know that and have made major decisions based on what suits themselves. Do likewise.

@LookingforMaryPoppins not there but I know it has similar issues after talking to a colleague 😆

I feel for you, OP.

It does sound like they have been a bit shitty.

For what it's worth, I suspect we may be in a very similar position. Good primary but the secondary options aren't great. I suspect a lot of my childrens' school friends will be going private but at the moment it's all very hush hush.

There is a feeling of "being left behind" if that happens, particularly as I already suspect that conversations are being had between some of the mums and friendships encouraged between the kids who will be going to the same private schools.

It's hard but ultimately you just have to put it out your head and concentrate on doing the best for your kids regardless of what others are doing.

I would hope that we will be earning more in a few years and could potentially afford private. BUT, it would be a stretch (no move to a bigger house, no holidays etc, no part-time working) and there would be a lot of pressure on the kids to perform. So ultimately I don't think we will go down that route. It would also limit our ability to help with uni costs, house deposits etc.

So I've made peace with that decision.

If you've also ruled out private, look into tutoring now. And extra curriculars etc to widen their friendship groups.

Ah that’s quite late to start. As others have said, it’s not something parents want to publicise due to the pressure involved. Achieving a place at a selective state is super hard these days as most selective schools no longer have catchment areas and students will travel a long way to and from school.

I get you’re upset. I’d probably be the same as you. But give yourself and your friends a break. I doubt any of this is malicious. There’s several of the,. They’ve made assumptions. It’s a really angsty time.

I can’t work out why you think this means they’re not your friends. We all make decisions in the best interests of our family, not our friends. Friendships change as kids go to secondary school. Regardless of whether they are close friends in primary they will develop new and different friendships at secondary, you won’t see the mums at the school gate because the kids go by themselves or with friends, and it is the time when SAHMs start thinking about heading back to work, and so relationships inevitable change. Just because your friends don’t want you to move (and why would they? They like you and like spending time with you) doesn’t mean you shouldn’t. Prioritise whatever is in the best interests of your family, not your friends.

I honestly can't see what they've done wrong. They changed their minds following gps investment into their schooling.

Surely you wouldn't base your child's education on where their friends are going ? They won't be friends with them when they get to secondary as they meet new ones

@ratherbepaddleboarding yes that's the sacrifices it would involve for us so I ruled it out a few yrs ago.

The other friend is really pissed off & angry so its good to get some other perspectives.

A lot of parents won’t admit about tutoring.
They don’t want everyone to know as it increases others to follow and increases competition.
A friend in Barnet had this
So called close friends tutoring for years
Friends daughter Agrade pupil, no tutoring, didn’t get high enough grades for selective secondary.
Friends kids not A graders but heavily tutored passed. A lot of it was to do with how you answer the questions, what words to include in answers etc
Found out about the tutoring after the results as she was surprised about who passed.

Some had been doing several hours a night for years.
Theyd told their kids not to tell Friends daughter.

I warned her to get tutoring but she told me no one else was doing it.
A little nieve, parents will do whatever they can to secure those places at oversubscribed schools. Even start going to church !

I'm sorry this feels so bad for you. From another perspective, when friends have talked about moving away for better schools or housing I've often said "Oh no, we'd miss you guys!" And very genuinely meant it.

But then an opportunity came up for us to move overseas and we took it. It doesn't mean I was lying to my friends - it just means our options changed, and moving away turned out to be the best choice for us.

I've always been opposed to private school, but if my parents suddenly offered to pay the fees I'd probably struggle to turn it down.

So don't imagine your friends don't value your friendship, just understand that their options changed and they had to make the best choice for their kids.

I can’t work out why you think this means they’re not your friends.

As I said upthread I normally expect friendships to be a bit more open & honest. But we are all different I guess.

I think people often "make noises" in these sorts of situation. For example, someone was moving out of our little close of houses recently and I heard "Oh no, don't go, we'll really miss you!" etc. Do I think people will really miss them - no of course not, they were just normal neighbours, nice and quiet but nothing more. Perhaps you've made a mistake (and it's easily done) of listening to them and believing them. In reality though we all have to live our lives for ourselves and our close families (i.e. partner and kids, in my view this does't even extend to grandparents)

Rather then feeling stupid, just make your plans for you the DC and do what suits you best. If you feel schools aren't great action a plan now for a move or whatever you need to do.

@DrPrunesqualler that's exactly what my colleague was saying as I was talking to her about the situation. Maybe I should get a tutor!

I think it’s just a lesson rather than they are bad friends. I learnt with my first that what people say and people do when it comes to their children are very different! People don’t say I’m doing loads extra, tutoring, got an inheritance. I remember being upset when my child started ks2 how ahead some of the other children were, with mums casually saying ‘oh yes they’ve been practising tables/spellings’ over the summer with loads of reading etc. I now assume people similar to me are putting a lot of behind the scenes effort in.

Ive got a friend with a younger child who keeps saying they can’t do x but neither can their friends so I’m not worried. She won’t listen to me that they probably can or nearly can, people don’t advertise!

You say you are still friends with people you met in year 6/7, but you chose those friends at that age. That’s why..
Your kids are friends now, but when they go to secondary, they will naturally gravitate to people of their own choosing. Painful for those left behind in some cases.

This is a nice natural break for the kids to do their own thing. If their friendships are strong, they will continue in their own right without any of the drama that might have ensued at the same secondary when kid a and b makes friends with new kid c, then kid c breaks away with kid a etc.

I think your friends genuinely didn’t want you to move. But at the end of the day each family will do the best thing for themselves when needed. Don’t feel stupid. Just make the best decisions for your family in future, bearing in mind peoples feelings at different times change, just like yours do.

So you're blaming them for you making the decision to stay?

I don’t think you can blame your friends for this at all. I doubt very much that, when they were encouraging you to stay, they thought for a moment that you’d actually base your decision on their encouragement. Of course they’d rather you stayed- they’re your friends- but the decision is for you and your family.

Likewise whether you’re happy with your school options is up to you and shouldn’t be conditional on whether your friends are also happy with those options for their children.

Honestly, if a friend of mine told me that, because I’d suggested she stay in London, I was therefore responsible for her doing so and obliged to send my kids to the same school as hers, I’d think she’d lost the plot.

I get that you’re upset and I’m sorry for that, but I think this should maybe be a wake-up call to encourage you to be a bit more independent and decide for yourself the path your life is going to take. It sounds as if you’ve been a bit passive and reliant on the crowd and now you’re shocked that other people have been thinking for themselves.

@1AngelicFruitCake it could also be a cultural thing I guess as my parents are immigrants as were most of my school friends (our families were friends in the community). We are a bit more upfront with stuff, not always good!

And yes, I don’t believe in private school, but I’d probably send them if someone else was paying, as whilst the system is there and it’s unfair, id like my child to be on the best side of the unfairness if possible.