To feel really stupid & naive

[dryingstuff]

I probably abu but just feel stupid & hurt tbh.

I live in a now popular part of London (it wasn't always so, I moved her when it was a bit crap hence why I could afford it).

Like many parts of London there is lots of amazing primaries but only a few good secondaries which are very oversubscribed. I have/had a really good network of neighbours/school mum friends, our dc are really close & as families we have all spent a lot of time together over the yrs. A few times I have mooted moving away & I've always been strongly discouraged because "our dc will all go to school together", "you're part of the group" "it won't be the same" etc. I've wanted to move for more choice of schools & to free up income. One difference between me & the majority of the group is that we have similar earnings but they have a lot more family money behind them although I guess I didn't realise how much.
Secondary school chat has ramped up & it now transpires that from our group 4 are choosing private school (previously there has always been a negative view on private), one is moving out and is under offer & another one has been tutoring for months for a selective place. It leaves me & 1 other, although she is closer to the secondary & tbh her dd is so bright that she could likely get a place at most schools without too much effort. It feels like the other 6 has discussed all this without us as this all came out in a recent chat. 2 were like "why don't you look at private", "ask family to help". There is no way we could afford private school for 2 dc. Of the 4 choosing it 3 have said gps have offered to help but our gps aren't in that position at all which they don't seem to understand. I guess I feel stupid for thinking we were really all friends & for believing that our dc would actually go to school together. I also feel like an idiot for not looking at tuition or going through with a move.

I always found that people that couldn't afford independent schools were often quite dismissive of them and said they were a waste of money, however i can well imagine some of these attitudes would change of someone else offered to pay for their kids to go.

I totally understand where you’re coming from op but I really don’t think any of this has been maliciously intended. When we put our house on the market to move out of London I didn’t tell barely anyone (didn’t allow a For Sale sign or anything) as it’s such a precarious process I didn’t want to risk the whole thing falling through and other parents in dcs’ classes not to bother inviting/including them because they knew ‘we weren’t in it for the long haul’. May sound mad but that’s what was going on in my head. One of my close Mum friends found out through the hairdresser (opposite & had noted people being shown round the house) and was really offended but did thankfully understand some of my reasoning when I explained… All our close group ended up at different schools bar two families and the children of those don’t speak to each other now so it probably is a blessing in disguise…I know they’re yr5 and lovely now but it may not always be so!! Take heart, figure out a plan that you’re happy with and let your mates get on with their choices without judgement.

Re this, I’m only going on my own school experiences and I’m sure my own DM didn’t speak to her parent friends about which school their DC was going to. My own DM didn’t have time for close school gate friendships as far as I I know! My own DM was a primary school teacher (who also specialised in art and drama) who tutored children for private school entrance exams.

From what I gather about private school sometimes kids are privately tutored for the exams for their preferred private schools or sometimes I’ve known clever children get scholarships. Teen years and childhood friendships change a lot however!

I went with my two best friends in primary school to a comprehensive secondary school, hated it and left after less than a term for the closest girls school where my other childhood best friend (who’d moved) went. After 3 years my first best friend from the comp moved to the girls school too! I switched schools due to bullying and went to a private girls convent which my DM couldn’t afford or prioritise when I was 11.

I’m now not really in contact or very loose contact with the all 3 best friends! Times and friendships and distance (I’m a Londoner too!).

OP, I don’t think this is intentional of these friends at all, or not as planned and contrived as you think. I just think their choices, options, family help etc have evolved over time for a variety of choices and it’s not personal to you. If you really feel a move could help your DC, now is the time to do it.

I lost a couple of “friends” when I decided to send my DCs to private school. To be fair, mine went from age three and I never suggested that I would be sending them to state primary. Guess where one of the “friends” that started to behave strangely towards me now sends her DCs?! Yes, you’ve guessed it, the same private school as my DCs! When I sent my first DC there she told me it had a reputation for bulling…when I bumped into her at the school she criticised the school that one of my DCs now attends (a super selective state grammar which is very, very hard to get into). Starting to see a pattern…

Anyway, schooling choices (or lack of it) makes some people behave very strangely. You soon learn who your real friends are!

Why is she pissed off and angry, though?

It sounds like the pair of you had totally unrealistic expectations of all of you and your children forming some sort of battalion, together forever as a single unit.
It's quite extraordinary that any adult would make life decisions based on this?
Getting angry that it's not happening just shows how ridiculous the concept was to begin with. Time to grow up...

I find this a bit of a mystifying situation because, in London, it's never possible to predict what schools you will all get into- so how was it 7/8 of you all thought you would go together? I find it entirely predictable that people are putting different schools down, some private, some grammar, some round the corner- even entrance to the local school is not guaranteed with such a pressure for places and I know loads that have to take buses elsewhere.

This 'all together' thing was a bit of a fantasy, and now it's revealed as such. I think that's good for you though as it gives you all a chance to have some friendships from the old school and make new ones too, plus find schools that better fit your individual children. I'm just amazed you didn't realise people are all manoeuvring around schools from a year or two prior to ending year 6, it's all anyone bangs on about here, especially if they have more than one child as surely many of you do.

Tbh what they do with their children is their business. They probably meant it at the time and then gps have offered to pay etc and plans change. You are taking it way too personally. Your child’s options haven’t really changed have they?

I don't think you're stupid or naive but to me it sounds like the friends were a bit underhand. I have to say I'm in London too and I can't imagine letting comments from friends influence my choice of moving or school - my dc come first and friendships do tend to change at secondary anyway. You just have to learn from this and put your dc first and not let other people's opinion sway you.

It's worth posting on the secondary education forum with names of the nearby schools to get opinions on your options at this stage. There may be schools you might not have considered further afield which you have a chance of getting in to (e.g. grammar, aptitude, religion).

*bullying not bulling!

Also they probably wouldn’t have all got into the same secondary school anyway so it was a total fantasy.

The only way to judge a senior school and it’s a very old fashioned method is to look really carefully at which Universities children in the sixth form move on to and which courses they study . You need to look at numbers getting into Russell group unis as well as those studying more traditional subjects including medicine snd engineering . This reflects on the quality of teaching and learning. Start some tutoring now so that your child will be in top sets. DC will be fine and you will have plenty of money to enhance DCs education outside the school environment. I promise you that Fee Paying Schools of all reputations are no guarantee of an excellent education or a happy well adjusted child.

They are your friends but they are making choices best for their children understandably. And you should do the same. They gave you their opinion when you discussed moving but that didn't mean you had to follow it nor did it mean they have to do the same thing as you. You shouldn't decide what you are doing based on following your friends.

I find this a bit of a mystifying situation because, in London, it's never possible to predict what schools you will all get into- so how was it 7/8 of you all thought you would go together?

Because it's the closest option, this is what happened to me as a dc in London & DH, is it really unusual? A few dc did leave at yr 3 to move or go private & that is when convos started to happen regularly.

@Jellytop thank I will look there

It’s a bit more cut throat than that.

Friend lost a place for her Dd after someone who is quite well known swooped in and bought a house closer to the school than she was

She found out that even in State schools money plays a huge part

whenever talk of private school came up (a few were privately educated) it was always very negative & dismissive. There is quite a few private schools around & talk has always been about they are elitist/lack diversity.

Quite often people say what they think other people expect them to. They might even believe what they are saying until offered an alternative, so GP's paying for private education.

If the kids are true friends they will still have friendships outside school. My sons best friend went to a different school and they are still best mates as adults. He had other mates at school. Conversely he has had nothing to do with some of my friends children since high school and beyond. They were thrust together as kids due to parental friendships but once they got older they had nothing in common.

The kids won’t stay friends anyway and I simply cannot imagine choosing something this important based on what my friends were doing! Jeez, know your own mind a bit more going forward!

They're frenemies and are trying to produce smarter kids than yours.

Don't waste your time with them. Spend it talking with your child, encouraging critical thinking, giving her cultural capital (you're in London, it's on your doorstep), making her problem-solve, speaking in French/German, or whatever it is she will learn at secondary. Share books, make predictions, find university outreach programmes, do free online courses, enter essay comps. Model orgnanised behaviour and a joy of reading.

Get it right and she will get better grades at the state school. You will save a fortune and it gives her an advantage over private school kids when applying for Russell group universities.

Also, you don't need to pay for a tutor. There's a wealth of online resources and youtube videos for everything!

I am gobsmacked at your reliance on other people regarding huge life decisions for your kids. You sound very passive. London is notorious for sharp-elbowed parents who keep schtum about schooling.

I think it isn’t that a school has excellent teachers, it’s because the school is filled with parents who tutor their children outside of school

If you had wanted to move you would have done, I suspect when you mooted it to your friends - you cannot have been that driven by it to be that easily persuaded, you are harnessing onto it now in order to anchor / justify your upset.

I do get why you are hurt, it seems like you are a bit late finding out what has been going on (which makes me wonder how close these friendships really are) but you and they (and anyone in similar situations!) were never going to recreate the happy families of nursery and primary years at secondary. We live in one of the places where people move to for schools and even here the children's friendships of primary years do not extend into secondary even though they pretty much all go to the same school.

So - It doesn't matter where your friends send their kids, you can still hang out with them! Nobody at secondary is at the school gates at drop off / pick up, you don't have the same insane number of PTA / school events and thank god play dates end. Your kids will hang out with kids you don't know and it will be fine, and if these are real friends and not just seasonal school mum friendships then you will be able to meet them as normal. - a new normal

This sounds so cliquey!!! I would never dictate my kids school on anything to do with my friendship group and deffo not stay living somewhere because they were living there! Why do you let them have so much influence on your life? Just do what you think is best for your family forget what anyone else is doing! It’s irrelevant and has no real sticking power x

London is notorious for sharp-elbowed parents who keep schtum about schooling.

As a born & raised Londoner I had no idea 😆

I can see why you’re hurt. But I can also see their point of view. When it comes to money people are very secretive and I imagine as the time has got nearer to the kids going to secondary your friends may have discussed with their own parents about the option of private school. The grandparents may have said ‘we’ll take 200k out of your inheritance now and that has to go towards school fees’. I can understand why a year ago your friends didn’t come rushing to a play date and say ‘yay! our kids are going to be fine because mum and dad have coughed up towards school fees’, people are understandably discreet about windfalls and Brits hate the idea of showing off. So I’m guessing they’ve been a bit sheepish, especially if they have been vocal about being anti private schools.