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AIBU?

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Original poster

To think co parent should continue punishment

241 replies

Ionlydrinkondaysendinginy · 15/04/2023 09:31

I genuinely don't know if iabu or not my just turned 10 year old dd got gobby and swore at me so iv grounded her for a week but she was at her dad's yesterday and he let her out with her mates. Just to add he's an amazing dad and we co parent really well. I'm just curious how others deal with this when co parenting

Yabu: when she's with him its his rules
Yanbu: he should back you and follow through punishments

OP posts:
Gatehouse77 · 15/04/2023 09:34

I’d stick to things that you can see through independently. However, I would be talking to Ex about consistency of the message and being on the same about why there’s a consequence.

MuffinToSeeHere · 15/04/2023 09:34

No I don't think they should. He didn't agree to the punishment and it's unfair of you to impose punishments that would impact upon her time at his house. Anything you impose as a punishment for poor behaviour should be restricted to when she is with you in my opinion.

RubbishRobotFromTheDawnOfTime · 15/04/2023 09:35

You don’t say whether you’d talked to him about it before your DD went to stay at his. If you did, you must have got an idea of whether or not he agreed with your punishment.

Mortimerat · 15/04/2023 09:36

No it’s your punishment not his. She is grounded when she is with you.

Daffodil92 · 15/04/2023 09:37

I think it would be better if he did, as having different rules at mums vs dads will lead her to play you off against one another.

Velvian · 15/04/2023 09:37

Grounding for a week, particularly in the Easter holidays seems excessive and ineffective.

I've never grounded my DC, I don't really get it.

At the risk of sounding superior, it sounds like there is some work you need to do on communicating with your DD. How did the incident with her swearing at you come about? What 'bad behaviour' of yours contributed to the situation?

AngryGreasedSantaCatcus · 15/04/2023 09:37

Did he know what happened and why she was grounded and for how long?

DarkForces · 15/04/2023 09:37

I don't believe in long drawn out punishments so there's no way I'd be willing to ground dd for a week for being a bit gobby. If you want him to support you, you need to agree consequences not impose them unilaterally and expect him to get on board. You can't control his time

usernamechanged1 · 15/04/2023 09:38

It would be nice if everyone was on the same page and showed a united front against that behaviour, but you could always impose it at your house only.

“You were grounded for one day then went to your Dad’s for three days, so this is day two of your punishment.”

Any interruptions through seeing her Dad pauses the punishment and is resumed on return.

horridjobescapee · 15/04/2023 09:39

I think grounding for a week is excessive for being a bit gobby and swearing.

I would stick to a punishment that can be solidly implemented while she's at yours.

DarkForces · 15/04/2023 09:41

usernamechanged1 · 15/04/2023 09:38

It would be nice if everyone was on the same page and showed a united front against that behaviour, but you could always impose it at your house only.

“You were grounded for one day then went to your Dad’s for three days, so this is day two of your punishment.”

Any interruptions through seeing her Dad pauses the punishment and is resumed on return.

Bloody hell. She'd spend half her life with under some punishment or other. Kids are naughty sometimes. Deal with it and move on. How is this constant reminding that they're 'bad' any good for building your relationship?

Luredbyapomegranate · 15/04/2023 09:42

Well you’d have to talk to him in advance wouldn’t you? Otherwise it’s not co-parenting.

But expecting him to continue grounding her is unlikely to work, as it will impact on their time together and plans he might have.

Singapore4 · 15/04/2023 09:42

How many days of grounded did your DD complete at your house?

Do you feel your child is sorry?

itsgettingweird · 15/04/2023 09:43

I'd stick through at yours and speak to her dad and ask he does the same.

The same way if they get punished at school it's at school.

As the parent of a now 18yo though I'd suggest something immediate but less long term for swearing.

You'll have many years of boundary pushing and if you start at a weeks grounding you'll hit a dead end at some point because it's a long time already to then build on for continued behaviour.

Luredbyapomegranate · 15/04/2023 09:43

usernamechanged1 · 15/04/2023 09:38

It would be nice if everyone was on the same page and showed a united front against that behaviour, but you could always impose it at your house only.

“You were grounded for one day then went to your Dad’s for three days, so this is day two of your punishment.”

Any interruptions through seeing her Dad pauses the punishment and is resumed on return.

Dear god..

itsgettingweird · 15/04/2023 09:43

itsgettingweird · 15/04/2023 09:43

I'd stick through at yours and speak to her dad and ask he does the same.

The same way if they get punished at school it's at school.

As the parent of a now 18yo though I'd suggest something immediate but less long term for swearing.

You'll have many years of boundary pushing and if you start at a weeks grounding you'll hit a dead end at some point because it's a long time already to then build on for continued behaviour.

Should say as in if he punishes her it's at his house and doesn't have an expectation to continue at yours

usernamechanged1 · 15/04/2023 09:44

DarkForces · 15/04/2023 09:41

Bloody hell. She'd spend half her life with under some punishment or other. Kids are naughty sometimes. Deal with it and move on. How is this constant reminding that they're 'bad' any good for building your relationship?

Show quote history

It’s not me who’s given her the punishment. 😂

The OP is aggrieved that her punishment hasn’t been adhered to, so if she wants to ground her she has to do it in her own time.

usernamechanged1 · 15/04/2023 09:45

Luredbyapomegranate · 15/04/2023 09:43

Dear god..

Show quote history

🙄

If she wants a week of grounding and the Dad won’t enforce it, this is the only choice she has really.

Winter2020 · 15/04/2023 09:45

I wouldn't support my husbands punishment if I didn't agree with it and in this case I would just tell him his punishment is over the top.

Beamur · 15/04/2023 09:48

Minor issues like this - deal with in your own time.
Talk to your ex in the meantime about whether you could be united if something more major happened.
If he's reluctant, you have your answer.
Personally if I had shared residency I wouldn't be keen to finish off the grounding in my time as I might have other plans.

Newbutoldfather · 15/04/2023 09:49

I don’t think it is sensible to try to be entirely consistent. My house, my rules, his house, his rules is far more reasonable.

Of course it is better if you broadly agree about parenting, but trying to ensure consistency will just encourage the child to play one parent against the other and also lead to arguments, making the coparenting less amicable.

Fandabedodgy · 15/04/2023 09:50

Your punishment was excessive

That aside if you want dad to impose punishments then you need his buy in from the point at which you decide.

Crazykatie · 15/04/2023 09:50

There is always going to be differences when they are with others, ex partners and GPs, I had 4 boys, discipline was tough, they knew the boundaries and the penalties, if I hadn’t it could have been chaos. They were actually quite well behaved and serious penalties were rare.

Winter2020 · 15/04/2023 09:50

Dock her pocket money £1 for each swear or even "pretend" to - "that's £4 your down to now...."

If she's saying she won't help/tidy up etc telling her "oh that's great I won't have to drive you to your friends/to dance class (whatever) if we don't help each other. I can have a lovely lazy morning... " assuming she is like my son and will then back down and do the job.

3peassuit · 15/04/2023 09:51

It depends what the transgression was. I would not agree to a whole week’s punishment for a gobby 10 year old, it’s excessive.