To think co parent should continue punishment

[Ionlydrinkondaysendinginy]

I genuinely don't know if iabu or not my just turned 10 year old dd got gobby and swore at me so iv grounded her for a week but she was at her dad's yesterday and he let her out with her mates. Just to add he's an amazing dad and we co parent really well. I'm just curious how others deal with this when co parenting

Yabu: when she's with him its his rules
Yanbu: he should back you and follow through punishments

But if you actually read my post which is about should her dad continue the punishment because he didn't which meant it lasted 2 days and now your calling me abusive and saying I need to pay for private therapy for her to cope with being grounded for 2 days and you can't see how ridiculous that is. I think what would be abusive would be not to feed my kids for a month to pay for it

Therapy was just a suggestion.

But there is a lot you could still do if that isn't an option. Read some books on positive parenting. listen to some of the great suggestions on this thread. Work on improving the relationship with your daughter and finding out what is going on in her life....

Another post where OP is deliberately disingenuous and spectacularly missing the point.

I agree with this. I've never punished my DC it just makes them think about the horrible thing done to them instead of thinking of other people. A good chat has been all I've ever needed to guide them to be well behaved.

Quoting this as the OP seems to have missed it, or perhaps they chose to ignore it. I hope it was just missed in among the other posts, as it could be really beneficial, for both the OP and her daughter.

Oh yes that's an excellent and very succinct summary of the difference in approaches

I think if it continues that would be completely different situation but I think 1 swear word in 10 years is pretty good going. I know you invented this whole thing in your head that we don't have a good relationship and that she needs therapy but it's just not the reality and I think your transferring the fears you have of your children's up bringing on others im sorry your children grew up in an abusive household but that's fortunately not the reality of most family's but keep going to therapy and hopefully one day you will all heal and be a happy family

Talk to them, listen to them, spend time with them and set a good example. I don't do horrible things to them like punishing them so they don't do horrible things to others (most of the time, obviously they misbehave sometimes. But my eldest is 16 and has never sworn at me, never said he hated me, only been in trouble at school once, doesn't lie, home when he says, everyone tells me he is well behaved, but he does bicker with his sister at times!)

You can only impose rules like that when she's with YOU. She was rude to you, had a punishment of a week? OTT. God help you when she's in her teens

Agreed. This is how I was brought up and how my children are brought up.

Never in trouble at school, do their homework, standard sibling squabbles, but all round fabulous and happy children. We taught them to value being respectful and value education by leading by example. We respect them (by not meting out over the top punishments) so they respect us

I know where learning together she was my first kid I was a teen mum and grew up in the care system so didn't have parents to learn from .This is the first issue we've had so where learning as we go

If it was the first time she swore then your overreaction is even more mind boggling

(We are happy family thank you. My ex is long out of the picture and my son has healed. )

Unfortunately wounds like that don't heal as quick as you may think but hopefully with a lot of love and support from you and his therapist he will hopefully be able to learn to be happy and feel safe and secure in his home

Totally agree. I don't think I ever 'punished' my kids (now adults). I would talk to them about why their behaviour might have been unreasonable/explain why they had upset me or someone else etc. Never any need for anything else.

10 is pretty young to be grounded, but then again so is the swearing, still, its not a punishment I have ever used for any of my kids, it's kind of American in my eyes, and I was never grounded as a kid

I am sure you are right and it will always be with him to some extent. But he shows every sign of being very happy and secure and we are very close (he has never sworn at me, for starters)

Yes, but why is swearing unacceptable? Why is answering back not acceptable? Your 10 year old only has 10 years of life experience. Think about that for a moment.

Guide her and teach her. She’s still learning just like everyone else. Just like you are too. No one is perfectly behaved all the time.

You want her to budget her pocket money better. So, sit down with her and teach her, give her the skills to do that.

Some people who want to buy something expensive or outside of their budget actually do stuff to earn extra money. Maybe they do overtime or take on some extra jobs temporarily. That’s being proactive. A pp suggested that an alternative to just saying no was to offer extra jobs to earn extra pocket money. That’s a great idea if you have enough money to spare. If you don’t have the extra money, explain that.

You don’t want her calling people hurtful names or swearing. Teach her empathy. Ask her how would she feel if someone she loved called her a stupid bitch. That’s how you have made me feel and it’s not ok.

And I understand wanting to dig your heels in when you feel like you’re being criticised and judged.

But really, people on this thread were just offering alternative views and advice. Then became concerned by your responses. I don’t think anyone on here is trying to judge you.

It’s up to you whether or not you take it on board. But at least give it some consideration.

Does he feel like he can express himself when I was in an abusive household I was terrified to express myself as you just don't have that closeness to feel safe. Does he know he doesn't have to be perfect

I wasn't going to post again, but OP, this is why I would respectfully suggest that you at least take time to reflect on some of the feedback here.

I don't actually agree with any of the comments that suggest you're being abusive to your dd. It is clear that you're a parent trying to do your best to parent effectively without having had the example of a good parenting to follow from your own childhood. That's really hard, and of course you'll get it wrong sometimes. Tbh, all of us get it wrong as parents sometimes, and we just have to hope that we get it right a bit more often.

Some of the responses that you have received have been a little harsh, and perhaps rather insensitive given your background, but there is value in what people are trying to tell you. Your dd is just 10 now, and she is already starting to push back. She will push a whole lot harder when the teen years arrive, and punishments of the sort that you're currently using won't really be helpful, they will just make things worse.

I'm genuinely sorry that you feel under attack from this thread when you were asking a question about something unrelated. I honestly have no wish to have a go at you. But I would urge you to at least think about what people are trying to tell you here, and whether there might be some useful learning that you can take from it.

Yes absolutely. Don't worry. He fully expresses himself. We are really close.

You focus on getting a better relationship with your child it clearly needs work.

I think you're being really unkind to keep insinuating that Sakura's son is so damaged. It's not at all relevant to your thread and I'd beginning to feel very personal.

I don't appreciate being called abusive for grounding my kid for 2 days when I was sa as a child and was taken into care. I also don't agree with natural consequences of telling a child that our relationship will be affected by their behaviour which someone suggested earlier in the thread as I think that's a disgusting thing to say to a child

Thank you, I appreciate you stepping in. I don't doubt the abuse will always leave scars. But I think op is focussing on my story to distract from her own uncomfortable feelings about her relationship with her child so I'm not taking in personally. I posted to try and help the op and it's down to her whether she takes the advice or lashes out

7 days op. Not 2 . Don't change the story.

And her calling me abusive for grounding my child for 2 days is also unkind and not relevant to the post. She called me abusive multiple times before I said anything back she told me my child needs therapy and that my child is unhappy and that I need to work on our relationship. So I hope your going to write the same to her