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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think co parent should continue punishment

241 replies

Ionlydrinkondaysendinginy · 15/04/2023 09:31

I genuinely don't know if iabu or not my just turned 10 year old dd got gobby and swore at me so iv grounded her for a week but she was at her dad's yesterday and he let her out with her mates. Just to add he's an amazing dad and we co parent really well. I'm just curious how others deal with this when co parenting

Yabu: when she's with him its his rules
Yanbu: he should back you and follow through punishments

OP posts:
Mummynew08 · 15/04/2023 10:15

horridjobescapee · 15/04/2023 10:14

I would just say "if you're not going to be pleasant to me it will make me less minded to do things for you".

I wouldn't want to say "affect our relationship" because that's a bit heavy.

But I wouldn't be doing optional things for her if she had sworn at me. So no lifts to friends or town, no making what she fancies, no letting her choose what to watch - just that type of thing (and not all of them at once). Just. Actions have consequences.

Sure, you could phrase it however. But I think broadly we agree

NeverDropYourMooncup · 15/04/2023 10:15

Ionlydrinkondaysendinginy · 15/04/2023 10:05

She called me a stupid bitch all because I wouldn't give her money for the shop even though she gets pocket money but has already spent it and she went on and on getting louder and louder waking up her sister she was having a tantrum like a 2 year old because she got told no

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Cross posted.

The bank's closed. As is the shop as far as she's concerned - and if she continues like that, rather than 'That's it, you're grounded!', pause to breathe (as though you're calming yourself to deal with a toddler stropping because you can't magically make the sun come out or a rainbow appear or make Tuesday become Thursday) and a mild 'Well, that's not going to help persuade me to give you money now, is it?'

Original poster
Ionlydrinkondaysendinginy · 15/04/2023 10:16

Mummynew08 · 15/04/2023 10:15

In that case why punish at all? In my philosophy, the best "punishment" is warning about natural consequences. (Not artifical ones like grounding detention etc). If there's no natural consequence of swearing at you, she'll keep doing it.

If any family member of mine got into a habit of swearing at me and calling me names, you bet it'd affect our relationship. Not permanently but until they felt remorse for sure

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I'm not going to emotionally abuse my daughter

OP posts:
Whinge · 15/04/2023 10:16

Ionlydrinkondaysendinginy · 15/04/2023 10:12

I wouldn't want to say to her it affects our relationship its not that deep

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Why don't you want to tell her that? It's the truth.

She's likely to respond more to an explanation about how her behaviour makes you feel and the consequences of her words, than she is to being grounded.

Sashimiandhisthunderpaws · 15/04/2023 10:16

I think you should have stopped the privilege of pocket money, until she has a change of attitude. A natural consequence will be not having the money to go out with her friends/buy what she wants.

horridjobescapee · 15/04/2023 10:16

@Mummynew08 I just wouldn't say it will affect our relationship because at the end of the day she's a child it's a minor infringement and she's always going to be my daughter and I love her.

I did say that I'd say something like "it makes me less minded to do things for you when you behave like that towards me".

horridjobescapee · 15/04/2023 10:17

I would be the same as @NeverDropYourMooncup

The bank is closed. No more lifts. No you weren't nice to me so I'm not going to put myself out and take you to here or there.

Mummynew08 · 15/04/2023 10:18

horridjobescapee · 15/04/2023 10:16

@Mummynew08 I just wouldn't say it will affect our relationship because at the end of the day she's a child it's a minor infringement and she's always going to be my daughter and I love her.

I did say that I'd say something like "it makes me less minded to do things for you when you behave like that towards me".

But that is affecting your relationship? Being less inclined to do things for her...the relationship has slightly changed, no?

I 100% understand you'd phrase it differently, no worries because we all use different language with our kids. But the gist is the same

Original poster
Ionlydrinkondaysendinginy · 15/04/2023 10:19

Whinge · 15/04/2023 10:16

Why don't you want to tell her that? It's the truth.

She's likely to respond more to an explanation about how her behaviour makes you feel and the consequences of her words, than she is to being grounded.

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It's not the truth it doesn't affect our relationship. I'm her mum and will love her unconditionally no matter what

OP posts:
Mummynew08 · 15/04/2023 10:19

Of course I wouldn't say "I will stop loving you", that's insane. Nothing my daughter could do would make me stop loving her

horridjobescapee · 15/04/2023 10:19

I just wouldn't use "affect our relationship" as a phrase because she's still my daughter and I love her. And that's not going to change.

DemelzaandRoss · 15/04/2023 10:20

Surely you knew she would be with her father, so why impose a punishment affecting his time with her also. Grounding for a week is Dickensian.
Does it even work?

Mummynew08 · 15/04/2023 10:20

Ionlydrinkondaysendinginy · 15/04/2023 10:19

It's not the truth it doesn't affect our relationship. I'm her mum and will love her unconditionally no matter what

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That's not what I meant by "affect the relationship". Maybe I've been misunderstood.

I meant resentment is caused when you swear at someone. That's certainly true

Mummynew08 · 15/04/2023 10:21

horridjobescapee · 15/04/2023 10:19

I just wouldn't use "affect our relationship" as a phrase because she's still my daughter and I love her. And that's not going to change.

Ditto. We are on the same page.

Original poster
Ionlydrinkondaysendinginy · 15/04/2023 10:21

DemelzaandRoss · 15/04/2023 10:20

Surely you knew she would be with her father, so why impose a punishment affecting his time with her also. Grounding for a week is Dickensian.
Does it even work?

I don't know its the first time she's been grounded but I'm guessing because he let her out probably not

OP posts:
MuffinToSeeHere · 15/04/2023 10:22

It's not the truth it doesn't affect our relationship. I'm her mum and will love her unconditionally no matter what

So why bother to punish her at all? She wasn't sorry sorry because she knows that no matter what she does it will all be forgiven and it won't impact upon how you treat her. She's not a toddler and explaining to her that if she doesn't respect you enough to not call you names then you will withdraw lifts etc and it will change how you treat her is not cruel parenting it's just common sense. You can still love her unconditionally but not like her at the moment due to her attitude.

horridjobescapee · 15/04/2023 10:22

I just think if you say "affect our relationship" it has undertones of I don't love you I'm done with you.

(I grew up in an emotionally abusive home where I was told I'd be thrown out from a young age so I am happy to accept it might be my own experience informing the language I would use)

DarkForces · 15/04/2023 10:24

horridjobescapee · 15/04/2023 10:19

I just wouldn't use "affect our relationship" as a phrase because she's still my daughter and I love her. And that's not going to change.

How would you feel if the person you loved most in the world spent a week telling you that you were a bad person because you'd screwed up once? How would it make you feel about yourself? Secure? Confident? Or crap and unloved?
Long punishments are damaging

Mummynew08 · 15/04/2023 10:25

horridjobescapee · 15/04/2023 10:22

I just think if you say "affect our relationship" it has undertones of I don't love you I'm done with you.

(I grew up in an emotionally abusive home where I was told I'd be thrown out from a young age so I am happy to accept it might be my own experience informing the language I would use)

That's fine and I've taken on board what you've said. I've already reiterated that I fully respect that you don't agree with my choice of words. My own daughter is much younger than OP's, and I already use similar language like this with her and she understands because she knows what I mean. But you would not use the same language as me. You disapprove of my choice of words although our intentions are the same. That's fine. What else do you need me to say...?

horridjobescapee · 15/04/2023 10:25

@DarkForces I already said I wouldn't have grounded her for a week for that?

Original poster
Ionlydrinkondaysendinginy · 15/04/2023 10:25

horridjobescapee · 15/04/2023 10:22

I just think if you say "affect our relationship" it has undertones of I don't love you I'm done with you.

(I grew up in an emotionally abusive home where I was told I'd be thrown out from a young age so I am happy to accept it might be my own experience informing the language I would use)

Exactly this I grew up in an abusive home and ended up in care I would never ever say this to my daughter as I would never ever want her to question our relationship and my love for her

OP posts:
horridjobescapee · 15/04/2023 10:26

@DarkForces

My first post on this thread:

I think grounding for a week is excessive for being a bit gobby and swearing.

I would stick to a punishment that can be solidly implemented while she's at yours.

Sashimiandhisthunderpaws · 15/04/2023 10:26

I don't expect my daughter's dad to continue the punishment. I will speak to him if there's an issue that I think he needs to be aware of and I'll let him know of punishments etc. He will then speak to her about unacceptable behaviour and not doing that with me. So there is some support, but he doesn't continue the punishment.

FWIW my daughter was being rude and had no TV for the next day, but she told me it didn't matter as she was out. I extended it for a week. The lesson being to not talk back/quite whilst she's ahead. 😂

OhmygodDont · 15/04/2023 10:27

I wouldn’t have grounded her. I would of removed pocket money for a week and not given her the money and next time she asked remind her that she had called me a bitch previously and as such I didn’t feel inclined to give her extra money. Maybe in the future I may change my mind but for now bank of mum is closed.

DarkForces · 15/04/2023 10:27

horridjobescapee · 15/04/2023 10:25

@DarkForces I already said I wouldn't have grounded her for a week for that?

You objected to my term 'affecting relationships'. That's exactly what long term punishments do. They damage your relationship with your child and their opinion of themselves. It's not about love. That's the easy but