To think co parent should continue punishment

[Ionlydrinkondaysendinginy]

I genuinely don't know if iabu or not my just turned 10 year old dd got gobby and swore at me so iv grounded her for a week but she was at her dad's yesterday and he let her out with her mates. Just to add he's an amazing dad and we co parent really well. I'm just curious how others deal with this when co parenting

Yabu: when she's with him its his rules
Yanbu: he should back you and follow through punishments

I would add in that I would remain calm and pleasant rather than confrontational about it, even if (or even more so) she got more angry and rude about it. The swearing is to try and provoke a reaction/escalate things, but if you don't meet fire with fire, it is likely to fizzle out.

'Where's my money?'

'Hmm?'

'Give me my money'

'Money?'

'My pocket money. Give it to me'.

'Oh. No.'

'What? Give me my money'

'I'm not doing pocket money now. We're going to do wages instead, where you have the freedom to earn money for certain things'

'Give me my money, you stupid bitch'

'Ah, no. That's not how you earn money. Maybe next week'.

'(rage, stomping, shouting, I hate you, I wish I was an orphan)'

'Okay. (Half an hour later) Dinner's ready'

'I DON'T WANT IT'

'Okay. It's in the kitchen when you get hungry'.

'I want my money'

'Oh, I'm sure you'll earn something by next week'

'(First polite thing said or helpful thing done all evening)'

'Yes, of course - thank you for that. I'll add it to the list of things you've done to earn money for next Friday. Oh, that was last week, we're on a new week now, so there's plenty of time to earn more'.

I think it is fairer on the child if the co-parents are on the same page and can show a united front when it comes to discipline. Otherwise it undermines the message. Assuming he agrees with you that DD was out of line he should be prepared to continue to the punishment. I get it's a pain for him but DD's needs should come first.

Why a week? There's no need to ground her at all, but if you insist on using it as a punishment why does it need to be such a long period of time?

Is she rude to her dad? Rather than extending the punishment I'd want him to get on board and talk to her about respecting you.

We are another family who have very rarely punished our children. When they have been rude we have stayed calm and told them we won't be spoken to like that. It does affect your relationship and they know that even if you don't say it. The natural consequence of being so rude is not getting what they're nagging for.

I don’t think “affect our relationship“ means the same thing as withdrawing love.

Also, discipline is better than punishment. Discipline is about teaching appropriate behaviour. Punishment is about making the child suffer in some way for breaking the rules.

And yes, being grounded for a week takes away her freedom, denies her socialising with her friends and will make her suffer.

Discipline is much better for children than punishment.

And respecting your coparents time with your dd by not making him continue to punish her at his place will not cause her to play you both off each other. Quite the opposite actually.

Both of you modelling mutual respect for each other will prevent any playing one parent off the other.

The girl doesn’t care about the grounding though she smirked at it gave no shits.

Much to how I reacted as a child to such meaningless punishments. Ok take my phone, lose pc time, ground me. I’m just going to sit next to you oh so lovingly and ask you a million and five completely random questions about anything and everything till you were fed up of hearing my voice. Follow you around like a lost puppy. Or maybe I’ll just read book after book I liked reading and solitude sent to my room no sibling allowed to enter was nice and peaceful.

I would have sent ex a text straight away saying what dd had said and what consequences you had put in place then ask him if would mind carrying on the consequence

YABU, you need to come up with punishments that can be seen through at yours, it isn't reasonable to expect him to go along with them.

It was a day but she answered back so it got extended. She needs to learn when to stop

I mean this kindly, OP, as you clearly didn't have kind, loving parents to learn from, but I really think you need to rethink your approach to discipline and punishment, otherwise you will be setting yourself up for a very hard time when your dd becomes a teenager.

Arbitrary punishments like grounding don't work in my experience. (Have a nearly adult dd plus years of experience of working in residential settings with teenagers). They just create resentment and power struggles, and damage the overall relationship.

Talking to your dc about how you feel about their actions is helpful. You certainly don't need to threaten to stop loving her, but you can talk about how it makes you feel when she swears at you. You can talk about how she is even less likely to get what she wants when she uses that kind of language. And you can talk about how she can approach things differently if she feels that you have made a decision that she considers to be unreasonable.

Relationships with older children need to be based on mutual respect and good communication, not authority and control. As they get older, kids will naturally push back against their parents to assert their growing independence, and the more controlling they feel you are, the harder they will try to push. Your goal is to recognise and acknowledge that growing independence while standing firm on the things that matter to you, such as treating people (including you!) with respect and courtesy. If you turn things into a battleground by imposing harsh and arbitrary punishments, your child will feel that you are unreasonable and it is imperative for them to "win" the battle. If you show that you consider them to be mature, reasonable and decent human beings by explaining respectfully but honestly why their behaviour has been hurtful or inappropriate or unacceptable, more often than not, they will want to live up to that image of themselves as mature, reasonable and decent people.

This is a link to an article about positive parenting and discusses the difference between discipline and punishment.

You may or may not be interested in reading it but I thought I would post it in case you found it helpful.

https://www.psychologytoday.com/au/blog/on-babies/202301/discipline-vs-punishment?amp

Prolonging the punishment isn't going to teach her to stop the behaviour. You said yourself she doesn't care that she was grounded, it's wasn't actually working. What happens at the end of the week if she still doesn't show remorse or change her behaviour, do you extend it again? And then again if another week doesn't work...

Do you see where i'm going with this? It's a pointless punishment, even without her dad refusing to continue it.

I think you do need to follow through on the consequences you set, so extend the grounding so that it is 7 days at your house. If she isnt grounded at her Dads the clock just pauses. DD can also choose to stay grounded at her Dads to get it all over with more quickly

No it wouldn't be extended however if at the end of the week or at a later date she called me a stupid bitch again a whole new punishment would start until she realises its not worth it and behaving a certain way means you don't get nice things or do the stuff you want to do.

My husband used to follow through his ex's punishments for their son.
He doesn't now because he doesn't behave that way for him, ever. There are consequences for his behaviour here and some of the things he does/says to his mum shock me because he isn't like that here.
But he's 12, she still treats him like a baby and doesn't follow through on her own punishments, so husband got a bit tired of her punishment dished out on a Thursday like no PlayStation, for him to have to enact all weekend so he stopped doing it.

Your logic does not make sense, she is not going to stop because you are punishing her

Thankyou for everyone who answered my actual question I appreciate it.

YABU. Punishment doesn’t teach anything. Grounding or taking away things doesn’t teach anything.

It’s a control and power thing on your part so you can feel as though you’ve done something and then be apparently confused when it doesn’t work and the behaviour continues.

You need to learn the difference between punishment (power and control) and discipline (a teaching moment), and you need to enable natural consequences too.

So what would the natural consequences of this decision be?

Creating a punishment starts you off on an escalating path - and the inventiveness of a ten year old beginning to have hormonal surges, brain development and physically getting bigger and stronger to push your buttons is almost infinite.

But showing calm, controlled responses that demonstrate behaviour like that doesn't get her what she wants, whilst behaving in the opposite manner is far more likely to succeed.

It sounds as though you've been on the receiving end of the compliance through fear of punishment method - and it didn't work for you practically or emotionally, did it? It can be triggering to find yourself in a similar dynamic as an adult, as it puts you emotionally back in the 'fight/defend/attack/run' position, but as the parent, the win at all costs drive just doesn't work.

It's like war - the only way to win is not to play.

Situation sorry not decision

I wouldn't bother engaging with people trying to tell you your method of discipline is wrong. That's up to you. The question was about carrying it on at a coparents house.

I'm still waiting for a response to what are the natural consequences of a child calling their mum a stupid bitch because everyone has gone very quiet

For me
If someone talked to me like dirt like your dd did 1 they would get a sharp " Do not talk to me like that" If they continued I would state I didn't wish to spend time in their company right now. I would remove myself . The natural consequence is if you cant treat others like shit and expect them to accept it.

Going forward if she throws a tantrum, remove yourself. When she is done request she picks up any mess made. repeat as needed by removing yourself if she doesn't continue.

Grounding doesn't work to the extend she felt so convinced she didn't have to do so she was continuously rude to you " we will see about this" So you handed out a punishment you didn't have any control over. Take the control back. If she follows you then outright say " I don't wish to spend time with you right now due to how you behave. we can talk once you have reconsidered your manner of talking to me".

I also would argue her dad did nothing wrong he did back you up in stating she can't speak to her mother like that.

I have 4 children I have had some attempts of back talk a sharp " excuse me" and my kids knows they overstepped. I have not needed to remove myself from them for years.

I would suggest you read up on how to communicate with teenagers and also something about boundaries Its hard when you have a damaged childhood yourself to find the comfortable norm for yourself as a parent.

“If you cannot talk to me in an appropriate manner than we cannot converse at all.”

And leave it there. Ignore the tantrum.

She’s getting louder and louder because you’re entering into a discussion with her - there isn’t a discussion to be had. You’ve made your point and she needs to accept it, so move on.

You are feeding her behaviour so she will continue to attention seek.