To think co parent should continue punishment

[Ionlydrinkondaysendinginy]

I genuinely don't know if iabu or not my just turned 10 year old dd got gobby and swore at me so iv grounded her for a week but she was at her dad's yesterday and he let her out with her mates. Just to add he's an amazing dad and we co parent really well. I'm just curious how others deal with this when co parenting

Yabu: when she's with him its his rules
Yanbu: he should back you and follow through punishments

Takes a bit of time to type a reply :)

A natural consequence would be when she asks you to later play a game, to go to the park, for money etc you say no and when she says why you explain that earlier she made the choice to be disrespectful towards you by using bad language and now you're making a choice to not do what she would like because her choice led to you feeling upset.

You use the opportunity to discuss how the words made you feel and how others won't want to be kind and respectful to her if she chooses to use such words to them.

All grounding her did was give her the attention she wanted and allow her to answer back which then got her more of a reaction.

@Ionlydrinkondaysendinginy , I think you need to relate the consequences to the situation.

The consequence is that you are far less amenable to helping your DD work out how she can get the thing she wants (extra cash) than you would have been had she not sworn at you.

I would explain to DD that the next time she wants extra money or whatever, she should ask me if there are any jobs she can do to earn some extra money. I would tell her that now she has done X, I won't be helping her to figure that out today.

Consequences are within the child's control and a result of their actions, punishment is abitary and imposed on them.

Of course the OP doesn't have to listen or engage if she doesn't want to. But people are genuinely trying to help. She can ignore it if she chooses.

But I don't think its fair to randomly punish for an unset time. I'd feel like I was throwing it in her face if she wanted to play a game and I said I'm not going to because you called me a bad name 7 hrs ago

She has to do jobs to earn her weekly pocket money when it's gone its gone, she needs to learn to budget so it lasts the week

But that's the consequence of her actions you probably would still be cross a few hours later and not want to do what she wanted because her words hurt you. How is that logical consequence worse than you swore so for a whole day you can't have the TV or iPad or see your friends etc none of which relates to the actual situation and then extending it to an arbitrary 7 days because she answered back?

Do you think it's fair she calls you a bitch? So why is she allowed to be unfair and you are not? That is a conversation to have with her when she is calmer. Not a suggestion you continue to be unfair.

However, as I said in my earlier response to me natural consequence of someone being disrespectful to me is they don't get to spend time with me for a period. This can be done without it damages the relationship. It's about clear boundaries. If you can't speak politely and pleasantly to me right now I am not spending time with you..

People answered you but you didn't like it

The natural consequence is that it upsets you and makes you les likely to give in to demands.

What do you want her to learn out of this?

I'd guess:

1. Not to call you rude names
2. Not to nag when you have said no

So I would discuss this with her from the point of view of being family and a team. Punishment divides and stops this. This is how we did it with ours. They're never rude to us now, at 16 and 17, and they don't nag.

I would sit down with her and say firstly calling me a stupid bitch is really rude. I don't call you names.
Secondly, you wanted more but I've already given you x and y. Let's look at what you have already spent on. Is there a way you could earn some extra cash? Can we think of a job you could do if you really want more cash than I'm giving you?

Thirdly instead of asking for x and y is there something at home you could have had instead.

I would keep all discussion as calm as possible and listen to her replies. Show her how to treat people with respect and how you want to be treated, and give her life skills.

But I would rather take insignificant stuff from her or not allow her to do things she enjoys rather then ignoring her or not allowing her to spend time with me or be in my space. I want her to have the security im always there, she can always talk to me and I will never push her away. That feeling an adult is mad with you and you questioning their love or them leaving is a lot more severe and traumatising then someone taking your ipad for a few days

Well reading this thread its obvious why there are so many badly behaved entitled children.

OP you were correct to discipline your daughter. I think I would have ignored the smirk and the will see because she would have seen when you carried through the original punishment.

She hasn’t disciplined her. She attempted (and failed) to punish her, which fed her daughter’s attention seeking bad behaviour.

Her daughter will continue to behave badly because OP is allowing her to.

Thankyou yes I agree with you on that, I should of let that bit go. That is something I need to work on

The natural consequence of calling your mum a stupid bitch is that your mum will feel hurt and/or angry. And if you generally have a good relationship with your mum, and she explains how you have actually made her feel, you are likely to feel quite guilty and realise that what you said wasn't very nice.

You might also realise that you are much less likely to have your point of view listened to if you express yourself in that kind of language because your mum makes it clear that nobody is going to engage with an opinion that is expressed in an aggressive or abusive manner, and that you will do better to put across your point across in a different way next time.

If instead your parent grounds you, then your attention is more likely to turn away from the natural consequences of your own actions to your feelings about the punishment itself, which you will probably regard as an injustice. You decide that your parent is unfair/power-crazed or whatever, and all your energy is focused on pushing back against them that rather than reflecting on your own behaviour.

You can teach her to have security with you without you teaching her its ok to be disrespectful. Allowing her to see her words have consequences if she can't talk politely she doesn't get to spend time with you for a short period (for me it was 15 mins when it started) is showing her that you value yourself. You won't be spoken to impolitely. She makes the choice to speak to you poorly she KNOWS calling you a bitch is not ok so she does it for attention and she got it. You want to teach her to value herself too. So show her you have value and she will learn how to model this. Don't teach her she can get away with bad-talking you and you will hand out punishments that are not going to work long-term as she doesn't care. If she cared she would not have smirked and edged you on for further punishment. THis was all done on her terms. Stop that or you will allow her to grow up not understanding respect for others she is in a close relationship in.

You don’t need to be mad at her, and she isn’t going to question if you love her because you wouldn’t feed her tantrum.

You are enabling her behaviour and allowing her to behave badly because your past is clouding your judgement, so you are unable to make appropriate decisions.

If she continues to misbehave she will be punished again however after people answering my actual question it will be a punishment that doesn't impact her dad's time

You're not responding to the sensible suggestions that work, like no lifts or no more money

I think you need to let go of the idea of grounding as a punishment totally@Ionlydrinkondaysendinginy . It doesn't work and doesn't make sense. Most of us want our DC to be out and about more. Staying at home, being bored, screen time is a recipe for 'bad' behaviour.

It sounds like your DD needs a bit more in her life that is within her control. To learn that she has power to make things better for herself if she does what is expected of her and what is of benefit to other people in the family.

Giving a person the silent treatment is abusive and not something I would do to my child. She sees her words have consequences by being punished for them by grounding/ taking tablet away ect

You shouldn’t need to be continually punishing. You don’t seem to understand that punishment doesn’t work, and that it isn’t going to teach her anything or make her behave any better.

Discipline, yes, but there is a difference between the two.

You are repeatedly telling your daughter it is okay to be disrespectful and badly behaved.

I don't know whether this stems from your own upbringing or something else, but it's perfectly possible to let a child know - calmly - that you are angry with them or disappointed in them without making them feel in any way that you might stop loving them or that you're going to leave them.

Teaching them that you're human and that you have normal human emotions is absolutely not the same as being emotionally abusive, withdrawing love or threatening to walk out on them. It is important that they see that you have emotions and that they understand that their words and actions can have consequences on how other people feel.

I don't drive and she earns her pocket money by doing jobs so it's her money

Nobody has said anything about giving her the silent treatment. You are spectacularly (and I suspect deliberately) missing the point.

Your daughter hasn’t seen anything. She will continue to be poorly behaved.

People have said ignore her, walk away from her and if she asks later to spend time with you tell her no