Page 10 | To think co parent should continue punishment

Ionlydrinkondaysendinginy · 2023-04-15T08:31:36+00:00

I genuinely don't know if iabu or not my just turned 10 year old dd got gobby and swore at me so iv grounded her for a week but she was at her dad's yesterday and he let her out with her mates. Just to add he's an amazing dad and we co parent really well. I'm just curious how others deal with this when co parenting Yabu: when she's with him its his rules Yanbu: he should back you and follow through punishments

Original poster

Ionlydrinkondaysendinginy · 15/04/2023 17:18

SweetSakura · 15/04/2023 17:17

7 days op. Not 2 . Don't change the story.

She was grounded for 2 hence the point of the whole post

OP posts:

SweetSakura · 15/04/2023 17:18

Any child who is calling their mum a stupid bitch needs help and understanding. That should be obvious. Pointing that out isnt being mean.

And yes , excessive punishment is abusive in my eyes.

SweetSakura · 15/04/2023 17:20

Ionlydrinkondaysendinginy · 15/04/2023 17:18

She was grounded for 2 hence the point of the whole post

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Your words 10 year old dd got gobby and swore at me so iv grounded her for a week

A week generally means 7 days. Maybe 5. not 2.

herlightmaterials · 15/04/2023 17:20

You should have grounded her for the length of time she was with you if that's what you wanted to do. Grounding is a poor consequence though as it will only make her feel more frustrated and claustrophobic with you.

SparklingChampagneAndStrawberries · 15/04/2023 17:20

Definitely only punished at your house. I mean, if she was naughty at his house, would you carry on the punishment until she went back again?

MuffinToSeeHere · 15/04/2023 17:20

Ionlydrinkondaysendinginy · 15/04/2023 17:17

And her calling me abusive for grounding my child for 2 days is also unkind and not relevant to the post. She called me abusive multiple times before I said anything back she told me my child needs therapy and that my child is unhappy and that I need to work on our relationship. So I hope your going to write the same to her

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Two wrongs don't make a right. You posted asking for opinions if you don't like the opinions then scroll on and ignore them.

It's literally a replica of the situation with your daughter. She said something and it got a rise out of you and then you continued to escalate it. There's power in just ignoring things and rising above it.

Original poster

Ionlydrinkondaysendinginy · 15/04/2023 17:20

MrsBennetsPoorNerves · 15/04/2023 17:10

I wasn't going to post again, but OP, this is why I would respectfully suggest that you at least take time to reflect on some of the feedback here.

I don't actually agree with any of the comments that suggest you're being abusive to your dd. It is clear that you're a parent trying to do your best to parent effectively without having had the example of a good parenting to follow from your own childhood. That's really hard, and of course you'll get it wrong sometimes. Tbh, all of us get it wrong as parents sometimes, and we just have to hope that we get it right a bit more often.

Some of the responses that you have received have been a little harsh, and perhaps rather insensitive given your background, but there is value in what people are trying to tell you. Your dd is just 10 now, and she is already starting to push back. She will push a whole lot harder when the teen years arrive, and punishments of the sort that you're currently using won't really be helpful, they will just make things worse.

I'm genuinely sorry that you feel under attack from this thread when you were asking a question about something unrelated. I honestly have no wish to have a go at you. But I would urge you to at least think about what people are trying to tell you here, and whether there might be some useful learning that you can take from it.

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Thankyou that was actually a really kind response

OP posts:

Original poster

Ionlydrinkondaysendinginy · 15/04/2023 17:21

MuffinToSeeHere · 15/04/2023 17:20

Two wrongs don't make a right. You posted asking for opinions if you don't like the opinions then scroll on and ignore them.

It's literally a replica of the situation with your daughter. She said something and it got a rise out of you and then you continued to escalate it. There's power in just ignoring things and rising above it.

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I never asked anyone their opinion on how I choose to punish my child

OP posts:

Original poster

Ionlydrinkondaysendinginy · 15/04/2023 17:24

SparklingChampagneAndStrawberries · 15/04/2023 17:20

Definitely only punished at your house. I mean, if she was naughty at his house, would you carry on the punishment until she went back again?

Yes as I don't want her playing us of against each other but I understand I can't make him follow it though. It would be the same as if we where together I would expect him to back me up and not undermined me

OP posts:

MrsBennetsPoorNerves · 15/04/2023 17:44

I wish you well, OP.

We all have to figure out parenting as we go along, but some of us are lucky enough to have had brilliant parents to learn from. It must be bloody difficult trying to start from a blank template, knowing that you definitely don't want to repeat the mistakes that your parent(s) made but not necessarily having a model for what to put in its place.

Wanting to be a good parent is half the battle, I think. The rest of it is about reflecting, learning and tweaking as you go.

Original poster

Ionlydrinkondaysendinginy · 15/04/2023 18:09

MrsBennetsPoorNerves · 15/04/2023 17:44

I wish you well, OP.

We all have to figure out parenting as we go along, but some of us are lucky enough to have had brilliant parents to learn from. It must be bloody difficult trying to start from a blank template, knowing that you definitely don't want to repeat the mistakes that your parent(s) made but not necessarily having a model for what to put in its place.

Wanting to be a good parent is half the battle, I think. The rest of it is about reflecting, learning and tweaking as you go.

Thankyou so much

OP posts:

Winter2020 · 15/04/2023 18:23

Hi OP,
I think because of your own experiences you are trying to punish your daughter without making her feel bad. You think if you make her feel bad then you are a bad abusive parent. But if your daughter calls her mum a "stupid bitch" she should feel bad! That is the natural consequence. So you say to her something like "you don't speak to me like that, how would you feel if I spoke to you like that - I feel very upset with you - go upstairs!" Then hopefully she will come down after a while and say "sorry" and all you need to say is "you can't speak to me like that it's not on" little bit huffy for a brief while (like 20 mins) job done and move on.

You have chosen a punishment to not upset her. Sure it's a drag to be grounded so she just feels a bit irritated/angry she is grounded (not particularly dwelling on why she is grounded" does the time, gets her freedom back and nothing has changed.

It was common agreement when I was at school that you can deal with your parents being angry - it's when they are "dissapointed" it is bad!

Original poster

Ionlydrinkondaysendinginy · 15/04/2023 18:34

Winter2020 · 15/04/2023 18:23

Hi OP,
I think because of your own experiences you are trying to punish your daughter without making her feel bad. You think if you make her feel bad then you are a bad abusive parent. But if your daughter calls her mum a "stupid bitch" she should feel bad! That is the natural consequence. So you say to her something like "you don't speak to me like that, how would you feel if I spoke to you like that - I feel very upset with you - go upstairs!" Then hopefully she will come down after a while and say "sorry" and all you need to say is "you can't speak to me like that it's not on" little bit huffy for a brief while (like 20 mins) job done and move on.

You have chosen a punishment to not upset her. Sure it's a drag to be grounded so she just feels a bit irritated/angry she is grounded (not particularly dwelling on why she is grounded" does the time, gets her freedom back and nothing has changed.

It was common agreement when I was at school that you can deal with your parents being angry - it's when they are "dissapointed" it is bad!

That's exactly it you nailed it I feel that the feelings of disappointment and hurt is what runs deeper and I'd rather inconvenience her then actually hurt her.

OP posts:

MrsBennetsPoorNerves · 15/04/2023 18:34

It was common agreement when I was at school that you can deal with your parents being angry - it's when they are "dissapointed" it is bad!

This is absolutely true, and it doesn't just apply to parents. When I worked with teenagers, I found that anger invariably fell on deaf ears. Expressing disappointment in their behaviour, in the context of a mutually positive and respectful relationship, generally made them stop and think. It isn't about guilt tripping them. It's about saying, come on, I know you're better than this.

MrsBennetsPoorNerves · 15/04/2023 18:47

Ionlydrinkondaysendinginy · 15/04/2023 18:34

That's exactly it you nailed it I feel that the feelings of disappointment and hurt is what runs deeper and I'd rather inconvenience her then actually hurt her.

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That's totally understandable, OP, because your parents clearly failed you and it seems that you associate the expression of any kind of parental disappointment with a withdrawal of love or affection. It really isn't, though. If anything, it is a reflection of the fact that you expect better from the child because you know that she isn't actually a bad person. And it is giving her the credit of being capable of reflecting on her behaviour and recognising where she has gone wrong.

The truth is, she cannot properly understand that she has done without having some understanding that her words have hurt you. Letting her know that - kindly, gently and without making her feel that she is a terrible person - is necessary to help her develop empathy and emotional intelligence. Inconveniencing her won't help her to reflect on how her words have made you feel, she will just focus on how she feels instead about the annoying punishment.

She actually needs to feel a little bit bad in order to learn. It is totally normal and healthy to feel bad if you hurt someone you love, as long as that feeling is temporary and proportionate.

And as a parent, it is possible to express disappointment about how a child has behaved while also being abundantly clear that you still love the child unconditionally regardless of that behaviour.

SophiaSW1 · 15/04/2023 19:19

YABU