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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think co parent should continue punishment

241 replies

Ionlydrinkondaysendinginy · 15/04/2023 09:31

I genuinely don't know if iabu or not my just turned 10 year old dd got gobby and swore at me so iv grounded her for a week but she was at her dad's yesterday and he let her out with her mates. Just to add he's an amazing dad and we co parent really well. I'm just curious how others deal with this when co parenting

Yabu: when she's with him its his rules
Yanbu: he should back you and follow through punishments

OP posts:
WandaWonder · 15/04/2023 10:28

Ionlydrinkondaysendinginy · 15/04/2023 10:14

I'm shocked at how many of you are saying you don't punish your kids. So what do you do ?

I just discuss or make a comment then and there, have a conversation and move on.

To me, made up example, a child swearing at a parent does not connect with 'right you will lose screen time for a week'

I can't see a child thinking 'oh well I won't swear again now'

Also me having a whiny nagging voice does help I will admit and my child does think they would rather behave than hear that I suppose, if they misbehave that is

TheObstinateHeadstrongGirl · 15/04/2023 10:28

I’m afraid the nature of splitting up is that you don’t have full 100% agreement on things like punishments.

Mummynew08 · 15/04/2023 10:29

My sister was verbally abusive to my mum for many years, always lashing out at her, as a young adult and also as a grown adult. My mum obviously still loves her deeply but they are low contact now and the relationship was absolutely affected.

So it is possible to love someone unconditionally but still hurtful words can (gradually, if habitual) affect the relationship. These things are not exclusive. But it's clear I've been misunderstood.

TheObstinateHeadstrongGirl · 15/04/2023 10:29

I wouldn’t ground my 10yo for swearing either (does grounding still happen in this day and age?!).

We’d have a chat about why that happened, what she meant when she said what she said etc and how we can do better. Then I’d revoke iPad time or similar. No need to drag things out for a week

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 15/04/2023 10:29

I don’t think you can expect that. I don’t think I’d want to be tied to punishments from exh’s house without any say in the matter.

Grounding is quite a high effort punishment to enforce too - in the sense that he then has her hanging about all the time rather than being about to get out and let off some steam/ use some energy.

I also think a week’s grounding sounds a lot for just being a bit gobby, but that’s up to you. To me 10 also seems young to be going out by herself but again, that’s up to you and your ex. My 9 yo is a long way from that but then he has ADHD and we live in (outer) London - equally he doesn’t properly understand about swearing but I think that’s also his ADHD brain.

Original poster
Ionlydrinkondaysendinginy · 15/04/2023 10:29

MuffinToSeeHere · 15/04/2023 10:22

It's not the truth it doesn't affect our relationship. I'm her mum and will love her unconditionally no matter what

So why bother to punish her at all? She wasn't sorry sorry because she knows that no matter what she does it will all be forgiven and it won't impact upon how you treat her. She's not a toddler and explaining to her that if she doesn't respect you enough to not call you names then you will withdraw lifts etc and it will change how you treat her is not cruel parenting it's just common sense. You can still love her unconditionally but not like her at the moment due to her attitude.

She needs to learn actions have consequences but my feelings for her havent changed and never will, saying that to a child is disgusting

OP posts:
horridjobescapee · 15/04/2023 10:29

@DarkForces I wouldn't do a long punishment.

I've explained what I would do.

My children are all now adults and we have a great relationship so you don't need to worry about them.

BibbleandSqwauk · 15/04/2023 10:30

I can't believe people on here are saying it's a "minor infringement" to call anyone, let alone a parent a stupid bitch. I just asked my 11and 13 year olds what they think would be the right punishment and they said it was a 9.5 /10 offence and would be no pocket money for at least a month and extra chores. They are far from angels and can entitled and lazy with the best of them but they know damn well not to give me lip like that. As for the co-parenting, my ex and I are rarely on the same page but if they are seeing him anytime soon, I don't put a time limit on any punishment until I've messaged him. In this instance the OP doesn't say her ex disagreed with the punishment necessarily, just that he didn't carry it through at his house, like it wasn't relevant.

ShowUs · 15/04/2023 10:30

I think it’s really difficult as you don’t want her to play you and her dad off of each other.

You should both be on the same page and could it result in a situation where she goes running off to her dads everytime you try and put boundaries in place.

However, I think it’s right in this circumstance to have not carried on the punishment as it’s your consequences because of behaviour towards you.

FWIW I think grounding her for a week is unreasonable.

Firstly, you jumped from 1 day to 1 week - how did that happen, why not 2 days?

Secondly, you grounded her for a week knowing that she was going to her dads in 2 days time.

Thirdly, what if after you said a week she continued to be rude? Would you have increased it to a month or year?

Its really difficult but you have to make punishments small so you can increase it if you need to.
You should also threaten to increase it if their behaviour continues and give them that choice before reacting first and increasing it too much.

Teens do struggle to control their emotions and are going to get upset if you’ve just grounded them for a day, even as adults we get annoyed sometimes.

I personally would have grounded her for the day and if she was saying rude things then I would tell her she’s going to keep making it worse for herself and I suggest that she goes and calms down before I extend her punishment.
If she carried on being rude I would threaten to increase it to 2 days and repeat that she needs to go and calm down if she doesn’t want it increased to 2 days.
Then if she carries on increase it to 2 days.

Of course hindsight is a wonderful thing 😁

Hellodarknessmyoldpal · 15/04/2023 10:32

OP if you co parent well usually it might be good to have a chat with her dad about how you might give out consequences in the future. No point in being angry with him about this time but agree a consistent approach going forward. I understand why you're upset here as it undermines you and risks her being able to play you off against each other.

In terms of what punishment you think is right is up to you. Mine arent teens yet but i think a mix of natural consequences and sometimes something that will bother them enough to stop and think about their actions. Not all consequences in life are natural but it is good to keep explaining the natural consequences at the same time (she's hurt your feelings becuase you love and care and want the best for her, i agree not to talk about affecting your relationship). If she was to behave this way towards her friends how would they react etc. She may not show remorse straight away and will be fronting it out because she is annoyed.

Daffodil92 · 15/04/2023 10:32

BibbleandSqwauk · 15/04/2023 10:30

I can't believe people on here are saying it's a "minor infringement" to call anyone, let alone a parent a stupid bitch. I just asked my 11and 13 year olds what they think would be the right punishment and they said it was a 9.5 /10 offence and would be no pocket money for at least a month and extra chores. They are far from angels and can entitled and lazy with the best of them but they know damn well not to give me lip like that. As for the co-parenting, my ex and I are rarely on the same page but if they are seeing him anytime soon, I don't put a time limit on any punishment until I've messaged him. In this instance the OP doesn't say her ex disagreed with the punishment necessarily, just that he didn't carry it through at his house, like it wasn't relevant.

Agreed! And to the PP asking what “bad behaviour” the OP displayed to cause this outburst…LOL.
No wonder kids are growing up entitled little shits.

Whinge · 15/04/2023 10:33

Ionlydrinkondaysendinginy · 15/04/2023 10:29

She needs to learn actions have consequences but my feelings for her havent changed and never will, saying that to a child is disgusting

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But grounding her for a week doesn't teach her that her actions have consequences. It's a pointless punishment, and clearly wasn't working even before she went to her dads.

MuffinToSeeHere · 15/04/2023 10:33

She needs to learn actions have consequences but my feelings for her havent changed and never will, saying that to a child is disgusting

But your feelings have changed your hurt by her actions and disappointed she is not remorseful that's totally normal. She's not sorry so she hasn't actually learnt anything other than she can say what she likes and nothing of consequnce has happened. It's not disgusting to let you child know you're upset by her actions and as a result you don't want to give her the same treatment e.g lifts or pocket money as you did before.

Anonymouseposter · 15/04/2023 10:33

I don’t think you should impose a punishment that someone else has to carry out. I wouldn’t be happy if I was expected to do that. Consequence is a better word than punishment and the more closely linked to the behaviour and immediate it is the more effective it is.

Mummynew08 · 15/04/2023 10:34

Ionlydrinkondaysendinginy · 15/04/2023 10:29

She needs to learn actions have consequences but my feelings for her havent changed and never will, saying that to a child is disgusting

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Sorry to harp on about this but she needs to learn, if you call someone a stupid bitch, it will affect how they think/feel about you. Next time it won't be you, it'll be a friend, teacher or future colleague.

If you just remove privileges, she'll just learn not to do it to someone with power over here.

You could phrase it however you like (as I've already said, I totally get that you don't like my phrasing, so phrase it your own way)

rumpsteak · 15/04/2023 10:35

Ionlydrinkondaysendinginy · 15/04/2023 10:21

I don't know its the first time she's been grounded but I'm guessing because he let her out probably not

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I think you've found out it doesn't work. And to answer your question about what do people do other than punishments, I use positive reinforcement and natural consequences.

Blondeshavemorefun · 15/04/2023 10:35

Being Gobby and grounded for a week in Easter hols is harsh

Better to have taken away her phone /tv

And no other parent shouldn't continue punishment as effects their time together

ShimmeringShirts · 15/04/2023 10:37

Nope, when it comes to separated parents there’s no need for a punishment to be carried over from one home to another unless the misdemeanour has been something fairly big. Swearing at you is your issue at your home, not her fathers. No need for her to be in trouble with her dad too.

HeckyPeck · 15/04/2023 10:39

Daffodil92 · 15/04/2023 10:32

Agreed! And to the PP asking what “bad behaviour” the OP displayed to cause this outburst…LOL.
No wonder kids are growing up entitled little shits.

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I know! People say boomers are entitled. Imagine what these ones will be like when people don't think they should be punished for calling their own mum a stupid bitch 🤦‍♀️

ReadersD1gest · 15/04/2023 10:41

Grounding for a week was an excessive punishment to begin with. Why do it at a time when she wasn't even going to be at home anyway??

Original poster
Ionlydrinkondaysendinginy · 15/04/2023 10:43

ReadersD1gest · 15/04/2023 10:41

Grounding for a week was an excessive punishment to begin with. Why do it at a time when she wasn't even going to be at home anyway??

I don't think grounding is excessive it's about taking away something she enjoys the same as a tablet or tv

OP posts:
ReadersD1gest · 15/04/2023 10:44

Ionlydrinkondaysendinginy · 15/04/2023 10:43

I don't think grounding is excessive it's about taking away something she enjoys the same as a tablet or tv

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During the Easter holidays?

Original poster
Ionlydrinkondaysendinginy · 15/04/2023 10:46

ReadersD1gest · 15/04/2023 10:44

During the Easter holidays?

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Well thats when the negative behavior was I can't ground her a week in advance that makes no sense

OP posts:
SweetSakura · 15/04/2023 10:47

Yabu. Not least because that's a shitty and over the top punishment.

SweetSakura · 15/04/2023 10:47

I',d read up on positive parenting.