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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think co parent should continue punishment

241 replies

Ionlydrinkondaysendinginy · 15/04/2023 09:31

I genuinely don't know if iabu or not my just turned 10 year old dd got gobby and swore at me so iv grounded her for a week but she was at her dad's yesterday and he let her out with her mates. Just to add he's an amazing dad and we co parent really well. I'm just curious how others deal with this when co parenting

Yabu: when she's with him its his rules
Yanbu: he should back you and follow through punishments

OP posts:
gogohmm · 15/04/2023 09:52

Unless you're underplaying the incident, a week sounds over the top - 24 hours more appropriate. So whilst I do think a united front is important for punishments, they need to be appropriate

Original poster
Ionlydrinkondaysendinginy · 15/04/2023 09:53

OK a lot of you think punishments should just be at the original parents house who dished it out thats fine, thats what i was curious about, how others did it. I know a week seems harsh but when I told her she's grounded for the day she said we'll see with a smirk on her face so it got extended to a week. Her dad did know I said when he picked her up that she's grounded for swearing at me and getting gobby he just told her she can't speak to me like that and that was the end of the conversation

OP posts:
Triffid1 · 15/04/2023 09:55

For serious misdemeanours that genuinely require serious long term.punishment, I would think that ideally if you co-parentee well, you would be on the same page. But for silly little things, different rules different house seems fair. Particularly when you have massively over reacted to a gobby child.

ImustLearn2Cook · 15/04/2023 09:55

MuffinToSeeHere · 15/04/2023 09:34

No I don't think they should. He didn't agree to the punishment and it's unfair of you to impose punishments that would impact upon her time at his house. Anything you impose as a punishment for poor behaviour should be restricted to when she is with you in my opinion.

This is exactly what I think.

LlynTegid · 15/04/2023 09:56

Yes I think you should be consistent, regardless of whether one or other thinks that a sanction or punishment is harsh or lenient.

horridjobescapee · 15/04/2023 09:57

I'd have said yes we will see. Now since you're grounded for the day that's no <insert thing she cares about> and you have to complete xyz chores as a punishment for smirking at me.

And then just ignore any tantrums. But follow through.

Original poster
Ionlydrinkondaysendinginy · 15/04/2023 09:58

Singapore4 · 15/04/2023 09:42

How many days of grounded did your DD complete at your house?

Do you feel your child is sorry?

2 days, no she wasn't sorry at all

OP posts:
usernamechanged1 · 15/04/2023 10:00

What did she actually say?

RubbishRobotFromTheDawnOfTime · 15/04/2023 10:00

You needed to have a conversation about it outside your DD’s hearing. You could have explained and asked him to carry it on, and he could have told you his views on it. I wouldn’t be thrilled in his position and probably wouldn’t want to enforce the (unreasonable and ineffective) punishment you’d started.

Original poster
Ionlydrinkondaysendinginy · 15/04/2023 10:01

horridjobescapee · 15/04/2023 09:57

I'd have said yes we will see. Now since you're grounded for the day that's no <insert thing she cares about> and you have to complete xyz chores as a punishment for smirking at me.

And then just ignore any tantrums. But follow through.

These are the things I think afterwards but in the moment I get annoyed because she is literally a mini me and it scares me for her future but even if I know iv gone to far I don't like going back on punishments

OP posts:
WandaWonder · 15/04/2023 10:01

If you each need to keep on punishing and ot continuing with the other parent then it would be obvious the punishment doesn't work

I deal with a situation and move on this needing to punish I don't get

Butitsnotfunnyisititsserious · 15/04/2023 10:04

I wouldn't keep up a punishment my ex had set, and he wouldn't either. I would talk to my child however and explain they needed to apologise for their behaviour.

Original poster
Ionlydrinkondaysendinginy · 15/04/2023 10:05

usernamechanged1 · 15/04/2023 10:00

What did she actually say?

She called me a stupid bitch all because I wouldn't give her money for the shop even though she gets pocket money but has already spent it and she went on and on getting louder and louder waking up her sister she was having a tantrum like a 2 year old because she got told no

OP posts:
Mummynew08 · 15/04/2023 10:07

I know this isn't the main point of the thread but...
She isn't sorry for her misdemeanour and grounding her hasn't made her sorry. Do you honestly think she'll swear less from now on, after being grounded?

I teach kids about this age, and for some/most kids a detention (similar to grounding) doesn't help at all, just creates resentment against the detention-giver. It doesn't reduce the bad behaviour. A proper conversation about why it's important not to swear, and the consequences to her future friendships/reputation/prospects if she's the type of person who goes about swearing, might have done more good. And over and done with more quickly.

NeverDropYourMooncup · 15/04/2023 10:07

Ionlydrinkondaysendinginy · 15/04/2023 09:58

2 days, no she wasn't sorry at all

Show quote history

She's reliant upon permission to go out all the time though, isn't she? So it would be up to you at any point - and you just happen to not be giving permission for a while.

It's not always necessary to have big declarations of punishments. You can just not be quite so amenable until she's more pleasant, when you will be very receptive to requests. It takes some of the heat out of things (and also reduces her Dad's ability to be Good Cop, as there's no 'Aww, your mum's mad at you again, now here's everything you wanted and an extra reward of ice cream because I'm Your Favourite').

ImustLearn2Cook · 15/04/2023 10:08

@Ionlydrinkondaysendinginy If your co parent punished your dd for something that happened at his house and you didn’t agree with him, would you continue the punishment at your house just because he wanted you to?

Being consistent is important but that involves some discussion with each other before hand about what you both want to teach your dd.

You don’t have to both do things in the same way. You can each find what works best for you.

I think a good start is each of you makes it clear that you want her to respect both her parents. So, find out what that means to your co parent and explain how it means to you. See if you have common ground and then have a family discussion with your dd.

Seperate rules in different houses is fine. For example children adapt to different rules at school from home.

UndertheCedartree · 15/04/2023 10:08

No, I don't punish my DC so would never continue a punishment from my DC's dad. He could well not agree with it. It seems really excessive.

Mummynew08 · 15/04/2023 10:09

Ionlydrinkondaysendinginy · 15/04/2023 10:05

She called me a stupid bitch all because I wouldn't give her money for the shop even though she gets pocket money but has already spent it and she went on and on getting louder and louder waking up her sister she was having a tantrum like a 2 year old because she got told no

Show quote history

Sorry cross posted. The point here wasn't the swearing, it was the damaging of your good will by being rude to you. Biting the hand that feeds her as it were. That's the line I'd have taken.

"I'm your mum, if you are rude to me like that you'll affect our relationship"

Original poster
Ionlydrinkondaysendinginy · 15/04/2023 10:10

ImustLearn2Cook · 15/04/2023 10:08

@Ionlydrinkondaysendinginy If your co parent punished your dd for something that happened at his house and you didn’t agree with him, would you continue the punishment at your house just because he wanted you to?

Being consistent is important but that involves some discussion with each other before hand about what you both want to teach your dd.

You don’t have to both do things in the same way. You can each find what works best for you.

I think a good start is each of you makes it clear that you want her to respect both her parents. So, find out what that means to your co parent and explain how it means to you. See if you have common ground and then have a family discussion with your dd.

Seperate rules in different houses is fine. For example children adapt to different rules at school from home.

Yes I would because I don't want her thinking she can play us of each other

OP posts:
horridjobescapee · 15/04/2023 10:10

I would have ignored that tantrum. I would have just said I told you no - once - and then walked away.

If she continued to tantrum I'd have told her to knock it off and go to her room if she was going to carry on.

If she hadn't stopped after that or hadn't gone to her room to have her strip I'd have said "if you don't stop this ridiculous behaviour right now there will be no <insert activity she enjoys - swimming, dancing, gymnastics, whatever> this week.

horridjobescapee · 15/04/2023 10:11

And yes. I have used the "if you're not pleasant to me then I won't be minded to do favours for you" with teens as well.

No harm to you but you need to figure out a strategy to deal with this because if you don't get your head around it now, it will be much harder when she's 15 or 16.

Original poster
Ionlydrinkondaysendinginy · 15/04/2023 10:12

Mummynew08 · 15/04/2023 10:09

Sorry cross posted. The point here wasn't the swearing, it was the damaging of your good will by being rude to you. Biting the hand that feeds her as it were. That's the line I'd have taken.

"I'm your mum, if you are rude to me like that you'll affect our relationship"

Show quote history

I wouldn't want to say to her it affects our relationship its not that deep

OP posts:
Original poster
Ionlydrinkondaysendinginy · 15/04/2023 10:14

I'm shocked at how many of you are saying you don't punish your kids. So what do you do ?

OP posts:
horridjobescapee · 15/04/2023 10:14

I would just say "if you're not going to be pleasant to me it will make me less minded to do things for you".

I wouldn't want to say "affect our relationship" because that's a bit heavy.

But I wouldn't be doing optional things for her if she had sworn at me. So no lifts to friends or town, no making what she fancies, no letting her choose what to watch - just that type of thing (and not all of them at once). Just. Actions have consequences.

Mummynew08 · 15/04/2023 10:15

Ionlydrinkondaysendinginy · 15/04/2023 10:12

I wouldn't want to say to her it affects our relationship its not that deep

Show quote history

In that case why punish at all? In my philosophy, the best "punishment" is warning about natural consequences. (Not artifical ones like grounding detention etc). If there's no natural consequence of swearing at you, she'll keep doing it.

If any family member of mine got into a habit of swearing at me and calling me names, you bet it'd affect our relationship. Not permanently but until they felt remorse for sure