Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

A sibling or a private education?

207 replies

Evely · 14/04/2023 00:50

Posting in AIBU for voting.

DH and I discussing, it came up in conversation with family - we can see pros and cons to both sides so we're sat on the fence.

If you had 1 DC and financially could afford to send them to private school but you couldn't afford to send 2 x DC to private school - would you say it would be better to stick at one DC?

Taking into consideration that the catchment state school in your area is OK but not brilliant.

Yabu - it's more important to have a sibling than a private education

Yanbu - stick with one DC and give them the best education you can

OP posts:
Lastnightidreamtofmanderley · 14/04/2023 00:54

I think you’re concentrating on the wrong thing. Do you both want another child or not?

caringcarer · 14/04/2023 00:56

I'd far rather have a sibling, who I'd have for life, than be sent to an independent school.

Itawapuddytat · 14/04/2023 01:00

We had a similar conversation years ago. And we chose the sibling. Both kids go to state schools and do very well.

orangesandlemonsthebellsofstc · 14/04/2023 03:44

No question, I'd choose my child having a sibling.

Could you have the sibling - but only if you want another child - and then save for them both to go to private secondary school? Any chance either of you will have promotions or have paid off your mortgage by then and then can divert funds to school fees?

EmmaGrundyForPM · 14/04/2023 03:46

DH is an only child and went to boarding school

He'd choose sibling over private education every single time

CoffeeBean5 · 14/04/2023 04:04

I don’t understand the whole ‘give your child a sibling’ argument because it’s as though younger siblings are pets. It’s not guaranteed that the children will get along. Additional children only benefit the parents.

Blossomed · 14/04/2023 04:09

Lastnightidreamtofmanderley · 14/04/2023 00:54

I think you’re concentrating on the wrong thing. Do you both want another child or not?

This. I would think about how many children you want before thinking about how you educate them.

Copasetic · 14/04/2023 04:39

I had the choice and chose a second child. We were having fertility treatment for the second and we did think that if it doesn't work then we could at least privately educate the one, have lots of holidays etc. I ended up with 3. Incidentally, that first born possible only child is now 28, a lawyer and very anti private education having married a privately educated now lawyer whose qualifications are an exact match for hers only hers were without the fees.

Emanresu9 · 14/04/2023 04:53

My sibling is profoundly disabled and requires me to care for her for life once my elderly parents die.

I also was fortunate enough to have a private education which I loved. The sports, music, opportunities, peers, lack of discipline problems.

id pick private education any day.

GBoucher · 14/04/2023 05:03

I had both private education and a sibling. If someone came to me now and asked me which of the two I would rather have gone without, I would say I would rather have had the private education and gone without the sibling. Without the private education, I wouldn't have had the advantages I've had in my life. Without a sibling, I would have missed out on some aspects of life and gained in others, so more neutral.

daretodenim · 14/04/2023 05:42

Do you want another person in your family, or do you want to buy a product for you first born?

I'm wondering why you can't move catchment area to a better one? Obviously you have some money somehow to do that because you could pay for private school - and I'm going to hazard a guess you're not in social housing.

Based on the question at hand though, I'm going to suggest you pick the private education. What happens if the second child has extra needs, or you start to resent the second child because they've taken away from something you could have bought for your first? A child is not exactly something you can undo. Go for the private education.

illiterato · 14/04/2023 05:42

Problem is that the private education is somewhat more predictable benefit than the sibling. The sibling could go either way in quite a major way. Therefore I think @Lastnightidreamtofmanderley is right- it can only be decided based on whether you want another child or not. If you’re ambivalent, stick at one.

illiterato · 14/04/2023 05:44

To add I have 2 DC. I think both would have been equally happy being an only child as they are both super sociable “joiners” and just find other kids to hang out with. They spend v little time together if I’m honest.

RedRobin100 · 14/04/2023 05:58

10000000% a sibling

Taptap2 · 14/04/2023 05:58

Life with 2 rather than 1 child is very different for both parents and child. My teenagers played with each other until around 8/10 years old and are now very different and I will be surprised if they are close in adulthood. I wasn’t close to my sibling would have been happy as an only child. Lots of only children at private school and it’s a common decision to make. We went for 2 private rather than 3 state - I think that was the right decision for us but if I had been 10 years younger when having kids I probably would have gone for 3 state and been happy with my decision too.

RedRobin100 · 14/04/2023 06:00

To add - in my view - but I put no weight on private education (being from NI)

of course depends how much you want another child.

sevenbyseven · 14/04/2023 06:04

Lastnightidreamtofmanderley · 14/04/2023 00:54

I think you’re concentrating on the wrong thing. Do you both want another child or not?

This^^

Do you want another child or not? Not just to provide a sibling, but for yourselves?

LongRoadtoNowhere · 14/04/2023 06:09

I had a sibling and a private education and am not barmy about either. Obviously depends on the school but I went to an all girls catholic and have a lot of awful memories of my time there. My brother and I were close as children through to our early 20s and now barely speak - not through falling out or anything, just don’t have much in common. Basically what I’m saying is nothing is promised, personally if you’re not that fussed about a 2nd child I’d use your excess money to give them an exciting youth full of adventure above going to private school.

MrsBennetsPoorNerves · 14/04/2023 06:11

I don't think either are important, actually, but your way of looking at this is totally fucked up.

You should never have another child to "give the first child a sibling". There is no guarantee that a sibling will benefit your first child in any case, and it isn't fair for a second child to be created as an accessory for the first. Have a second child if you want one. You have no way of knowing whether it will be a positive or negative addition to your child's life.

Personally, I think private education is usually a waste of money, and you'd be better off saving for a house deposit or similar.

swayingpalmtree · 14/04/2023 06:12

I despised being an only child. I'd far rather have had a sibling.

Florin · 14/04/2023 06:13

We went for the private education, a sibling doesn’t guarantee a life long friend.
Having an only gives you quite a different life from what I can see to friends with more kids. It gives you time and energy and money to concentrate on their and your interests rather than spending weekends just ferrying multiple kids round to all their sports like I see my friends stressing about how to be in 2 places at once. We really love our weekends and our child loves that we are always there together to support them. We get to say yes to sports tours and big sports events and once in a life time experiences without thinking about siblings and we have created a great community of friends while doing so. Traveling is a doddle with 1 and so enjoyable and so easy to make everyone happy without multiple needs/wants to consider.

testtrout · 14/04/2023 06:13

Do you want a second child?
DH was privately educated with lots of only children. Quite a few have died very young late teens and twenties (suicide, drugs mainly)
He absolutely did not want an only child from his experience, more to do with their behaviour rather than risk of loss.
I will point out we are talking top public school and some incredibly spoilt young men so probably not representative of all only children.
Also private education is not always an advantage, I have a sibling who is a lecturer at a top university and it certainly doesn't help get anyone onto his course.
Having a child is always risky so consider what you really value,!

MrsBennetsPoorNerves · 14/04/2023 06:16

probably not representative of all only children

Definitely not representative of all only children. Please stop perpetuating these ridiculous stereotypes.

honeyandfizz · 14/04/2023 06:18

Two all the way. I cannot see how a private education could trump the desire for a second child. Is state education so bad? I have a DD at a highly competitive Uni and in her halls her NDN is a lad from our local boarding school, parents have paid 45k a year and I have paid zero.

Do you actually want another child though that is the question?

whiteroseredrose · 14/04/2023 06:20

Observing the wonderful relationship between my own DC and the great support network that my 4 half siblings have, I'd go for the sibling any day.

I was raised as an only child with my DM for most of the year and I'm so glad that my DF had more DC.

I'm sure that there are benefits to a private education but, so far, my DC are doing well without it. I think parental involvement and money is more impactful that just schooling.