A sibling or a private education?

[Evely]

Posting in AIBU for voting.

DH and I discussing, it came up in conversation with family - we can see pros and cons to both sides so we're sat on the fence.

If you had 1 DC and financially could afford to send them to private school but you couldn't afford to send 2 x DC to private school - would you say it would be better to stick at one DC?

Taking into consideration that the catchment state school in your area is OK but not brilliant.

Yabu - it's more important to have a sibling than a private education

Yanbu - stick with one DC and give them the best education you can

I'm not voting because it's a false dichotomy.

Don't have a second child as a "gift" to your first child. Having a second child is not a thing you do "for" anyone, unless you have a very unhealthy grasp of family dynamics. This mindset seems like the early days of developing a toxic goldenchild/scapegoat family dynamic which will be awful for everyone. Given that it could take years of therapy to untangle you from that mindset its probably best to stick to one child.

Private education isn't always better than state and isn't always the best choice for any given child. State is fine till at least she 8 anyway and with good planning you can make sure to be in the right catchment for good schools so whether or not you go for having a second child you can still put in a lot towards an excellent education without necessarily going for private. But if private is going to be the best route then if you could afford private age 4-18 for one child you could do state 4-11 and private 11-18 for 2 children, so long as you save a lot during the 4-11years.

There are too many variables to make this choice in a truly rational way. My experience is 3dc and private schools - the primary school was worth every penny, but the secondary has been really disappointing - my dc are an incredible support to each other and I personally place greater value on a larger family.

But siblings might not get on, the second dc may be disabled (or either/both could be ND and unable to manage in mainstream school - this is what happened to us, wasn't obvious until they were in secondary), your financial circumstances could change in either direction and so on. So I think pp are right and you have to base your decision solely on whether you want a second dc or not.

Sibling, definitely.

I don’t agree with private education and I don’t want another child, so neither. A sibling isn’t a gift to give your first child.

I work on a large public sector team. Of which roughly 30% were privately educated. This has flipped from the roughly 70% when I started 30 years ago.

I can honestly say that I see no difference in the 'finished product' except perhaps the state educated employees are more able to interact successfully with people from all sectors of society.

The difference is not to do with paying for education but by the support and encouragement of parents to embrace education in whatever setting.

A sibling is however a huge benefit for any child. Except on MN where people hate theirs and 'go NC' at a drop of a hat. My reality in over 60 years is to never have met anyone who did anything less than love their siblings who were a huge part of their lives and a force for good.

My DH also went to "top" independent school we get the annual magazine which amongst other things details deaths of old alumni only one who was at the school for the same 5 years he was has died in his 30's he sadly got cancer. Now in his late 50's we see more deaths (5 to date) but again all the usual stuff cancer etc.
I have worked in both the independent sector and the state sector there is no evidence that there is a higher incidence of suicide from those educated in the independent sector.
Having said this a "private" education isn't necessarily the be all and end all your child has to fit the ethos, it has to work for him and just as importantly for you, you may aspire to get your child into X and they may not get a place, not all independent schools are better than state schools and better results be they academic sporting musical aren't guaranteed neither are future careers. On the other hand as others have said there is no guarantee that a sibling will bring years of joy to your existing child.

Chicken or beef?

As an aside - my two closest friends are both only children. The one who was privately educated would have given anything for a sibling and the one who was state educated loves being an only child. Both have 2dc (who are privately educated). My sister regularly irritates me, we fought constantly as children, but I wouldn't swap her for anything.

Am a single parent in London so only had one because I could only afford one set of school fees and two bedrooms .

@Emanresu9 that's so sad
My younger sibling is disabled and I had him so that dd had a sibling..( obvs didn't know )

She will under bo circumstances be his carer when I'm not here. I will put provision in place for him.. IMO your parents are selfish to expect that from you . She needs a life too

Loved beinng an only child!

That’s a very sad, bitter and narrow minded perspective.

Really? Every one of my friends have a dysfunctional relationship with at least one sibling I really don’t think it’s uncommon.

@boboshmobo you’re very fortunate that there are provisions you can put in place. We’ve been fighting her entire life but there is nothing available that we’d subject her to

Another child 100%. Many state schools are pretty good plus your children are more likely to see diversity.

A couple of my friends who are only children and who were ar boarding school with me, said they would have given anything to have a sibling. One said it was very lonely as her parents were so besotted with each other that she often felt she was intruding on their lives, especially as she got older.

I had a private education and have a brother. I was grateful for the former, and adore the latter. I don't think my schooling made a massive difference to my life trajectory.

We have 4 and they are all state educated. DS1 is at Cambridge, DD heads to a RG uni in Sept (fingers crossed!) and the younger 2 are happily progressing, so they are doing fine. DH and I were both privately educated but the schools where we live are excellent so we couldn't see the point.

Sibling 1000%

I know lots of private educatedly people who haven't amounted to anything more than anyone else who had a state education.

I can see why you’ve phrased it as an either/or but the reality is that they’re both unpredictable unknown quantities, particularly the sibling.

That said, as an only child who was privately educated I think I’d rather have had a sibling than a private education. But I don’t know what that alternative reality would look like. If I’d had a sibling who picked on me and been bullied at state school in my alternative life then I’m sure I’d say I’d choose a private education and no sibling.

I'd put the private school money into moving to an area where you feel your children would get a better state education and definitely have the baby.
I'm not the best person to ask though as I regret only having 4. Should have had the 5th.
Also, it's only on MN that people hate their family. Most people would rush to help their sibling at the first call.

Oh and state school here and 1 lawyer, 1 economist and a landscaper so far.

There are never any guarantees about siblings. I get on pretty well with my DSis, and I do love her, but I certainly wouldn't describe her as a "huge part of my life". We talk every couple of months or so, occasionally text a bit in between and see each other maybe 2 or 3 times a year. My mum has a very close relationship to her siblings. My dad never really speaks to his - not because they are NC, but merely because it never really occurs to any of them to contact the others. They do get on on the rare occasions when they see each other.

I know many people who have lovely, functional relationships with their siblings, but equally, I know lots who don't get on, some who are NC and a couple of cases where siblings have had an incredibly negative impact on each other's lives. You can't possibly predict what the relationship will be like between your dc, or whether your child will be better off with siblings or as an only child, so you should only have more children if you as parents want them.

My sibling hates me and our parents and has been generally vile.

So I would take the private education please.

"Giving" your child a sibling is fine but don't make the mistake of assuming it's giving them a companion and support for life as this is often not the case.

Having said that. My sibling is older so it's a good thing my parents did have me or they'd have nothing now!

Sibling.

It’s not a black & white question you can run an internet poll on

Florin as I said . This seems to be a common theme in MN . Not my lived experience.

However, I do think it may also be an age thing. As someone in mid 60s I just think life is too short for drama. I also think texting and sm is a huge influence for the worse when it comes to communication -

Often , picking the phone up and actually speaking with someone leaves much less room for misunderstandings.