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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

A sibling or a private education?

207 replies

Evely · 14/04/2023 00:50

Posting in AIBU for voting.

DH and I discussing, it came up in conversation with family - we can see pros and cons to both sides so we're sat on the fence.

If you had 1 DC and financially could afford to send them to private school but you couldn't afford to send 2 x DC to private school - would you say it would be better to stick at one DC?

Taking into consideration that the catchment state school in your area is OK but not brilliant.

Yabu - it's more important to have a sibling than a private education

Yanbu - stick with one DC and give them the best education you can

OP posts:
AggieTop · 14/04/2023 08:34

I agree with @Sunnysunbun - the deification of private schools on MN is quite bizarre, as is this question being asked of strangers.

Howmanysleepsnow · 14/04/2023 08:37

It’s not a case of having “a sibling,” it’s about whether you want another child or not. A sibling isn’t a gift you give your other dc.
Whether education is paid for or state funded isn’t a guarantee of quality either. I went to private school and it was actually much worse than the grammar school I moved to for sixth form.
A not-great state school now might be an outstanding state school by the time a not-yet-conceived child reaches school age. A great private school now might have shut down altogether in the same time period.
Decide if you want another child or not, then do your best by your child/ children with whatever resources are available to you at each stage of their life.

MisschiefMaker · 14/04/2023 08:43

I have both a private education and a sibling. Despite the fact I hardly speak to my sibling I would pick a sibling any day. Not because I think we need a good relationship as adults, but because of social skills and tolerance for others that you are forced to develop during your formative years. That's a bigger education than the marginal gains from private school.

ChocChipHandbag · 14/04/2023 08:43

DutchCowgirl · 14/04/2023 08:23

Sibling.

I am an only child, mother died 8 years ago, father is at the end of his life. There is just no other family left, no one to talk about how our house looked, how Christmas used to be… Nobody else to discuss the medical decisions I have to make about my father. I’d prefer a sibling which I didn’t get along with, or a sibling who isn’t a big part i my life, over this.

I'm sorry you feel that way, but let me give you a different perspective. My parents are both dead, at 53 and 66 respectively so before their time. That was hard to deal with and I was glad to have my brother in the picture when it happened. In particular, he lived close to our Mum during her widowed years while I was further away. I'm eternally grateful to him for that. 5 year age difference so not hugely close as kids.

However, a few years ago my brother had a horrific accident, spent months in a coma and nearly died. Fortunately he is still with us, but is paraplegic. We're both in our forties.

When I was facing the prospect of the premature death of yet another family member, it almost broke me. In simple terms, if I had been an only child I would not have gone through that further trauma in addition to the deaths of my parents. It's left me almost constantly terrified that my DH will die suddenly and I wasn't really able to parent my then-toddler son for several months.

I have an only child. It wasn't an active choice; I was just too old for two by the time I had DS. However I'm pretty happy with our family dynamic and in some ways I am glad that it was forced upon me.

As for the sibling/private school toss-up @OP, there are lots of very active threads on here at the moment about the pros and cons of private school, and a search will pull up endless debates about only children. Bringing these two very thorny issues together into a single debate like this is madness!

Original poster
Evely · 14/04/2023 08:44

It is a complicated decision. I appreciate the balanced responses - thank you.

To the people who say 'well do you want another DC' - gahhh, we're on the fence - that's the most honest answer I give. Sometimes I feel - yes I really do. Sometimes I feel - oh no, I can't go through pregnancy and the 1st year again. To be honest this was how I felt before I had my first DC. I love her more than anything - so my uncertainty in making a decision is not in direct correlation with my capacity to love. I'm just not a baby person.

I came here because in and amongst the decision one of the elements that im struggling with is we know we definitely wouldn't be able to send DC 1 to private school if we did have a DC2 and we have seen one that is just brilliant and she's down on the list to start next year. Her local infant school is only OK. So it does feel like it would be - Mama's pregnant you're not going to this school now. It feels mean - although she has no awareness about all this.

I definitely can't send DC1 to this school, and then try for a baby and then pull her out if we have one because we can't afford school fees/ nursery fees. That would be awful.

It's a - if she goes to this school we are making a firm decision not to have a second child.

OP posts:
GetYourActTogether1 · 14/04/2023 08:47

We went for three DC and moved to an area in a good catchment area and spent all the money we’d have spent on private schools on multiple holidays each year and doing fun stuff at the weekend.

PlinkPlonkFizz · 14/04/2023 08:53

Emanresu9 · 14/04/2023 04:53

My sibling is profoundly disabled and requires me to care for her for life once my elderly parents die.

I also was fortunate enough to have a private education which I loved. The sports, music, opportunities, peers, lack of discipline problems.

id pick private education any day.

@Emanresu9 that sounds profoundly unfair of your parents to put that burden on you. Why do you accept it as a fait accompli?

gemloving · 14/04/2023 08:55

We chose the sibling but also wanted another Child, now number 3 is on the way and we'll know about what school he got into by Monday!

Justalittlebitduckling · 14/04/2023 08:56

You can choose to pay for a lot of additional opportunities to benefit your child (music, maths tutoring, drama club, holiday sports club etc) without shelling out for private school and from what you’ve said you can probably do that for two kids.

ChocChipHandbag · 14/04/2023 09:05

Evely · 14/04/2023 08:44

It is a complicated decision. I appreciate the balanced responses - thank you.

To the people who say 'well do you want another DC' - gahhh, we're on the fence - that's the most honest answer I give. Sometimes I feel - yes I really do. Sometimes I feel - oh no, I can't go through pregnancy and the 1st year again. To be honest this was how I felt before I had my first DC. I love her more than anything - so my uncertainty in making a decision is not in direct correlation with my capacity to love. I'm just not a baby person.

I came here because in and amongst the decision one of the elements that im struggling with is we know we definitely wouldn't be able to send DC 1 to private school if we did have a DC2 and we have seen one that is just brilliant and she's down on the list to start next year. Her local infant school is only OK. So it does feel like it would be - Mama's pregnant you're not going to this school now. It feels mean - although she has no awareness about all this.

I definitely can't send DC1 to this school, and then try for a baby and then pull her out if we have one because we can't afford school fees/ nursery fees. That would be awful.

It's a - if she goes to this school we are making a firm decision not to have a second child.

A few things to ask yourself:

  1. What is the basis of your conclusion that the state school would not suit your daughter? "OK" could be fine. Do you know any parents who currently have kids there?
  1. Is the private school a straight through one or would she need to do 7+ and/or 11+ to stay in the independent system?
  1. Could you afford to send two to sate primary and independent secondary?
  1. What are the state secondary options like in your area? If bad, could you plan to move to a better catchment where the difference between state and private is not so stark?
  1. Are there other state primary options a bit further away?
Blaueblumen · 14/04/2023 09:10

I don’t understand the whole ‘give your child a sibling’ argument because it’s as though younger siblings are pets. It’s not guaranteed that the children will get along. Additional children only benefit the parents.

I'm an only child and had a wonderful childhood and a close supportive relationship with my parents.

My own two children are very different and I find parenting them challenging when they're together. They are young adults now and are not at all close

MyBatteryIsOnePercent · 14/04/2023 09:13

If you are on the fence and “not a baby person” then definitely don’t have any more. Have a nice life as a family with the DC you have and enjoy being together.

herlightmaterials · 14/04/2023 09:13

CoffeeBean5 · 14/04/2023 04:04

I don’t understand the whole ‘give your child a sibling’ argument because it’s as though younger siblings are pets. It’s not guaranteed that the children will get along. Additional children only benefit the parents.

That's a sweeping statement! Is there no love between you and your siblings?

Children often greatly benefit each other.

Blaueblumen · 14/04/2023 09:13

I can't imagine not having my brother in my life,

That's because you have a sibling! I cannot imagine having a sibling as I am a (very happy) only child.

MrsBennetsPoorNerves · 14/04/2023 09:14

CasperGutman · 14/04/2023 08:28

But perhaps their personalities are a product of their environment. For example, they may be gregarious, outgoing and sociable because they have experience sharing spaces, property, food etc. with each other at home. Or not.

Growing up alongside a sibling is such a fundamental change. If they'd been only children, perhaps they would have been quite different!

Show quote history

Well, the pp will obviously never know, but as the parent of an only child who is exceptionally gregarious, outgoing and sociable, and has absolutely no issue sharing stuff with anyone, I'm not so sure that having a sibling (or not) really contributes to those qualities. Especially not as I had a sibling myself and was always painfully shy when younger.

People like to portray only children as socially awkward loners. I'm sure that there are some only children who do fall into this category, but equally, there are many people with siblings who would also fall into that category. However, there is no evidence to suggest that only children are any more likely to be shy or unsociable.

ReviewingTheSituation · 14/04/2023 09:16

I had a private education (as my mum worked in the school and got dirt cheap fees) and a brother.
My brother died as a teenager. What I wouldn't give for a sibling now, as an adult. I didn't need one as a child as we did nothing together and had very different interests/hobbies/talents.
We weren't desperately close, but I think we'd have had enough in common to enjoy a bond as adults, and I wouldn't feel the weight of my parents' impending old age quite so heavily.

Blaueblumen · 14/04/2023 09:16

If you are on the fence and “not a baby person” then definitely don’t have any more. Have a nice life as a family with the DC you have and enjoy being together.

I agree. Sounds like you are in a great position with a lovely dc and supportive husband as well as enough money! Enjoy.

ReviewingTheSituation · 14/04/2023 09:17

Siblings are only children together for a short time - consider the rest of their lives, not just their childhood.

IDontWantToBeAPie · 14/04/2023 09:17

I asked DP who was an only child and he said he'd have wanted a sibling.

I have a sibling so can't comment as I wouldn't kill her off to go to a better school 😂

shakeitoffsis · 14/04/2023 09:20

Sibling 100%

oldwhyno · 14/04/2023 09:20

I'm strongly supportive of independent education, for the country and for our family. But this is a no brainer for me, I'd have another child (and then perhaps a third).

MrsBennetsPoorNerves · 14/04/2023 09:23

ReviewingTheSituation · 14/04/2023 09:16

I had a private education (as my mum worked in the school and got dirt cheap fees) and a brother.
My brother died as a teenager. What I wouldn't give for a sibling now, as an adult. I didn't need one as a child as we did nothing together and had very different interests/hobbies/talents.
We weren't desperately close, but I think we'd have had enough in common to enjoy a bond as adults, and I wouldn't feel the weight of my parents' impending old age quite so heavily.

I'm so sorry for your loss.

Re the ageing parents thing, it's hard to say. I have a sibling but she does nothing for our elderly parents so the burden falls entirely on me.

BeeMason33 · 14/04/2023 09:27

As someone who had neither and did well in school, i would pick a sibling given the choice.

chopc · 14/04/2023 09:35

I would say sibling without any hesitation (grammar school educated with 2 siblings) and one whom I really don't get on with

But my DH who is an only child and his parents could only afford one child in private said given the circumstances he would choose private school as the state options were not good where his parents lived

mummyoffourminimes · 14/04/2023 09:35

If this is even a question then I don't think you really want another baby