A sibling or a private education?

[Evely]

Posting in AIBU for voting.

DH and I discussing, it came up in conversation with family - we can see pros and cons to both sides so we're sat on the fence.

If you had 1 DC and financially could afford to send them to private school but you couldn't afford to send 2 x DC to private school - would you say it would be better to stick at one DC?

Taking into consideration that the catchment state school in your area is OK but not brilliant.

Yabu - it's more important to have a sibling than a private education

Yanbu - stick with one DC and give them the best education you can

YABU. Private education is no guarantee. I know of someone who went to a v good private school in West London: he ended up van driving for Ealing Council.

Having another child is no guarantee siblings will get on, but don’t not have another child because you want to send a child to private school - a lot of them really aren’t that good, nor do they always get very impressive outcomes.

You need to have the number of children YOU want, not think of it in terms of a sibling for your child.

I've seen kids turn out well with and without siblings, with and without private education. But the specific combination of "Giving a child private education and no sibling FOR THE REASON of being able to provide private education" strikes me as pretty toxic.

There are downsides to every kind of family structure, and the downside of only-child families is the risk for "eggs in one basket" syndrome, where there ends up being a lot of pressure for a single child to meet all the parents' expectations. Deliberately not having a second child (if you want one) in order to pump school fees into your one child, raises the risk about ten-fold. Your child will probably figure out eventually what the plan was and will feel that they have a lot of live up to.

I feel for the people here caring for disabled siblings, but being an only child creates other dilemmas later on. I'm hoping to make it clear to my kids that I want them to live their lives in a way that makes sense for them, not us. But the reality is that decent people feel a sense of responsibility towards aging parents and it's hard to just walk away. The older only-kids I know do struggle with this issue a lot.

Big gap so only one set of fees at a time.

It depends how much you value relationships and a family network. I am from a very family orientated family, as is DH. There is no history of going no contact with family, everyone gets on for the most part, family is everything to me. The thought that someone would choose between a sibling and private school of all things, is crazy to me. What is it with this private school obsession?
My entire childhood was spent lost in games with my sibling, when my parents die he will be the only person I share those memories with. I couldn't give a shit that I didn't attend private school.

I went to state school and last year I went NC with my siblings. I've had no benefit from having siblings and my own DD is loving her small nurturing prep school, so I would have loved the school experience she's having. Luckily we've not had to make the choice and DD has a younger sister as well as all the benefits of private school.

There are quite a few parents who have just one child at DD's prep. I suspect they couldn't afford both, but also they're people who enjoy the ease and convenience of having an only. So it's not much of a sacrifice for them.

It seems a bit weird to make the advantages to your first child such a big consideration in deciding whether a second child should exist. It seems to undervalue the (potential) life of the second child, somehow - a bit like the icky feeling I get at the idea of people having designer babies to provide "spare parts" for a child who needs an organ donor....

It's a strange debate to have. Do you want another child? But as you ask it-sibling every time.

I love my brothers! However, parents have several children because they want several children. Siblings shouldn’t be ‘given’ to older siblings. Makes younger siblings sound like pets. However, my DP is not close to his brother at all. They are totally different. Same with my SIL (brother’s wife) and her sister. All close in age too.

It sounds like OP doesn’t want more children so she shouldn’t have another unless she really wants another child.

My brother behaved appallingly to
my mum, including when she was terminally ill and hasn’t bothered visiting his 75 year old father in four years. I have little contact with him now due to the way he has treated our parents. I would pick the private education every day. Would have been better than being miserable at my comp due to bullying. In fact, my brother blamed that on me being too sensitive. Nice victim blaming by someone who is the head of year at a secondary school and should know better!

Most of the bullying revolved around me being clever and doing well at school. So whilst I could have been bullied at private school, it wouldn’t have been for the same reasons. I have one DC at private school and the other at a highly selective state grammar. Being the best is celebrated at their schools, it’s not used as a tool to destroy someone’s mental health.

Yes this is what I mean too.

I find it funny when people on MN say all the time that as adults they don’t see or get on with their sibling, as of therefore by default they are as good as an only child and siblings are overrated.

Early years make us who we are. A sibling changes us (for the better, for the worse, or often both) forever even if we then go on to lead separate lives.

DH barely sees his sibling anymore but they were exceptionally close growing up, closer than any other sibling set I know mainly because they had quite an odd, isolated upbringing. Despite the sibling now being largely absent from our lives I have no doubt that DH wouldn’t be DH as I know him had he grown up as an only.

The fact you're deciding between another child or private school makes me think you've made your decision....private school.

Nothing wrong with wanting the very best for your child.
You didn't enjoy pregnancy,nor the first year, so don't put yourself through it again.

If you go for private education don't ever use it as a weapon against your child (if they don't do a well as you'd hoped )

Despite the sibling now being largely absent from our lives I have no doubt that DH wouldn’t be DH as I know him had he grown up as an only.

Would he be better? Or worse? Who knows!

I'm an only child and hope that people like me the way I am.

If you’re really weighing up having another child versus private education I think that’s a pretty clear indicator that you’re not that fussed about (and therefore definitely shouldn’t have) another child.

"Nothing wrong with wanting the very best for your child."

No, of course there isn't. Plenty wrong with assuming that means private school, though.

Maybe the best hypothetical question is - if we had lots more money and I could afford to send 2 children to private school - would I be more inclined to have a second child. And the answer would be yes. I don't like the baby stage, true - but I always liked the idea of having a larger family, as I come from one.

But as it stands I feel like I'm taking something away from DD. A very real child infront of me now. She has a spot at a very good school and if we have a second we have to turn down that spot and she would be going to a local 'ok' but not great school.

I'm not sure how that makes me heartless, cold, or treating a second child like a pet. The second child doesn't exist - I'm not emotionally attached to an imaginary child at the expense of a child right in front of me.

However - the relationship/bonding/family side of it - is exactly why I'm pausing to ask the question. If DD goes to this school it would be immoral to take her out of it because I fell pregnant. So the decision needs to be made before she's even aware of this school.

We're all wired a bit differently I suppose but I'm not one for making major life decisions that effect my family simply because 'I want'.

We're not made of money - so it boils down to the question - is it better to give as much as you can to one, or is it better that they have less because the benefit of a sibling outweighs it.

But it feels pointless trying to defend because people appear to have just made assumptions that I'm a weird heartless witch type looking for a pet for my DD....

Thank you to the people who have responded with a fair minded approach even when saying it might be best not to have a second. You've certainly given me extra things to consider.

Serious and genuine question.
what makes you think private schools are worth paying for? Other than the price tag?

my experiences of friends and family are that it doesn’t necessarily give children any more! Doesn’t necessarily mean great exam results and can result in more pressures and stresses to perform, resulting in teenagers being unwell. …… not a great use of £12k-£24k per year in my opinion!!

you can spend your time and money so more more effectively, offering life experiences and helping your children be nice people !!

i think you have your priorities wrong.

I think on balance most people would agree a sibling is a positive thing. As an only child I would not even consider stopping at one if I could have another.

In addition to this, are we working on the presumption that private schools are always better than the local state funded option? Where I live in Wales, my town has two secondary schools, one independent and one comprehensive. On exam results comprehensive outperforms the independent school every year without fail. As do several other comprehensives in the next town. I would argue that parental attitude to education and home influence is so much more a factor.

If it's a serious question I will answer it.

The specific fee paying school my DD has a spot on - is set in acres of land. It has a full climbing wall, and a sort of 'go ape' adventure play ground. The kids learn abseiling and sailing. They have their own swimming pool and tennis courts. They learn archery. It has a fantastic music department. They have one of the best technology departments in the country. It scored excellent across every inspection and won a school of the year award. Class sizes are kept at 30 - the whole school has less than 150 children. Each child has a key worker throughout school. They have a kitchen for cooking and do design and technology. The teachers and headmasters were lovely. We had a full school tour and chance to ask loads of questions and they've been lovely throughout. The reviews are fabulous everywhere all over the Internet.

The local school takes 80 kids each year per year group. It is failing in some areas. It was rated 'good' by ofsted with recommendations. It has a concrete playground, and a gym. It doesn't offer any exciting sport type opportunities, nor offers cooking or design. The reviews are not great - mostly by parents who have kids subjected to bullying.

That's the exact choice I'm facing for DD. We can't afford to send two children to the fee paying school.

It does sound lovely, but 30 is actually quite a large class size for independent school. 20 in a class is one of the key things that we pay for, as against 30 in state.

Does it have a senior school attached, or would she have to do 7+ or 11+ to get into an academically selective senior school. Any state grammars in your area?

@Evely if you are spending money please choose a reputable prep school and not a small local private school. Trust me there are differences. If that is what you have described

That's what struck me too - 30 per class? So the state schools has smaller class sizes than the private school? That doesn't sound right.

It ends year 6.

I will check the class size then as that's a good spot. Thank you. They had 30 places, I assumed that meant class size but perhaps not and just weighed that up against the local school that listed they had 80 places.

I'm less in the know about the senior schools. We haven't lived in this area long and honestly haven't got that far.

We had a second. As older parents we decided to try give DC1 a sibling.
Could not imagine now not having DC2 as they are a delight. We have a boy & girl close in age and although they fight they are also very very close.
I'm not sure we'd have gone private with DC1 but having a second ruled it out. Decent state schools and they are both well rounded kids doing well & multiple outside interests