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AIBU?

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Original poster

A sibling or a private education?

207 replies

Evely · 14/04/2023 00:50

Posting in AIBU for voting.

DH and I discussing, it came up in conversation with family - we can see pros and cons to both sides so we're sat on the fence.

If you had 1 DC and financially could afford to send them to private school but you couldn't afford to send 2 x DC to private school - would you say it would be better to stick at one DC?

Taking into consideration that the catchment state school in your area is OK but not brilliant.

Yabu - it's more important to have a sibling than a private education

Yanbu - stick with one DC and give them the best education you can

OP posts:
youveturnedupwelldone · 14/04/2023 07:32

Well I had both a sibling AND a private education (my sibling did not have a private education).

My sibling and I do not talk these days and we didn't really get on from when I was about 10 (they are older). They are a useless, selfish article and I will be left with all the elderly parent duties while they fart about being useless.

So I definitely got more value out of the private education. A sibling isn't always a fairytale relationship!

Sunnysunbun · 14/04/2023 07:36

This is so depressing.
The hold Private schools have over people is so weird when the vast majority of them are mediocre at best.

Wishawisha · 14/04/2023 07:37

Taptap2 · 14/04/2023 05:58

Life with 2 rather than 1 child is very different for both parents and child. My teenagers played with each other until around 8/10 years old and are now very different and I will be surprised if they are close in adulthood. I wasn’t close to my sibling would have been happy as an only child. Lots of only children at private school and it’s a common decision to make. We went for 2 private rather than 3 state - I think that was the right decision for us but if I had been 10 years younger when having kids I probably would have gone for 3 state and been happy with my decision too.

I only played with my sibling until about 8/10 and have little in common as adults too but I see it in a very positive way.

We played together for the crucial early years when all that stuff is so important and now as adults we live separate lives, which is fine (see each other once every 2 or so years). We are both the people we are because of our childhoods and I wouldn’t change that.

My own DC are primary school aged and pretty inseparable at the moment. They play with each other all day long and that’s great and makes me so pleased. If they are not close as adults, this will be fine. They probably won’t be tbh - they are great playmates now but quite different people and I think will just go down different paths. It won’t mean that having each other as children won’t have been hugely, hugely beneficial though.

Note - I know some children just never bond and there isn’t always a benefit to having a sibling.

ColdAsAWitchsTit · 14/04/2023 07:37

I'd be worried your child didn't fulfil your private schooling expectations and you forever held it against them for wasting the opportunity that stopped you having a second child. It's not fair on DC1. Have dc2 or not, but don't do it or not for Dc1.

Toddlerteaplease · 14/04/2023 07:46

caringcarer · 14/04/2023 00:56

I'd far rather have a sibling, who I'd have for life, than be sent to an independent school.

Absolutely this!

YellowGreenBlue · 14/04/2023 07:46

Well, I've never thought about it this way before, but I had both (I attended a fee paying school on a 100% scholarship) and given that I haven't seen my brother since 2017 (although we do call and text occasionally) I guess I'd have to choose the school.

redskylight · 14/04/2023 07:48

It's reasonable to decide if you can afford another child, before you have them.

Only you can decide if "afford" means having enough money to send them to private school.
Particularly if it seems this means private infants school (if your child is pre-school comparison against any other local schools is meaningless).

Aprilx · 14/04/2023 08:01

youveturnedupwelldone · 14/04/2023 07:32

Well I had both a sibling AND a private education (my sibling did not have a private education).

My sibling and I do not talk these days and we didn't really get on from when I was about 10 (they are older). They are a useless, selfish article and I will be left with all the elderly parent duties while they fart about being useless.

So I definitely got more value out of the private education. A sibling isn't always a fairytale relationship!

If my parents gave my sibling a private education and not me, I dare say I wouldn’t feel I owe them any parent care duties either.

Aprilx · 14/04/2023 08:02

I think it is an odd choice. Surely you should be deciding upon how many children you would like, and only then consider what is the best option for education.

Flowerly · 14/04/2023 08:04

Private education every time.

Moopyhereagain · 14/04/2023 08:09

I think your decision is more complicated than that. We get lost in seeing parenting as only during school years. How tight would money be? Think about university, help with deposits for houses etc? I was privately educated, didn’t do brilliantly at a very average uni, have a great job. Partner went to state grammar and Cambridge, less good job. My eldest went all the way through independent school, youngest only primary as he didn’t want to go to the senior school. Both doing fine, little discernable difference apart from them being different people. Agree with pp can you move to better school catchment? You have time for this.

MrsToothyBitch · 14/04/2023 08:14

I would choose the education. I am an only and I am so grateful for opportunities I have had in life because of this. Education wasn't just about results for me - although I did well, it was the environment and the quality. It's an investment in the child.

Also, I don't miss what I haven't had, which is a sibling. Plenty of threads on here full of family drama and people saying their older brother has been lazy or pompous or abusive since his childhood or their little sister first revealed herself to be a thieving lying brat-bitch aged 5 and is still the same. These suggest that I'm not exactly missing out on much tbh.

Sotiredmjmmy · 14/04/2023 08:14

With my dc, absolutely sibling! With my own siblings, absolutely siblings. Problem is you cannot predict what type of sibling relationship they will have!

We are close with lots of 1 child families, it’s not something I would pick out of choice but my experience is also very much biased shorter age gaps (2-3yrs), if a bigger gap then the dynamic of adding a sibling is different too

ChocChipHandbag · 14/04/2023 08:16

testtrout · 14/04/2023 06:13

Do you want a second child?
DH was privately educated with lots of only children. Quite a few have died very young late teens and twenties (suicide, drugs mainly)
He absolutely did not want an only child from his experience, more to do with their behaviour rather than risk of loss.
I will point out we are talking top public school and some incredibly spoilt young men so probably not representative of all only children.
Also private education is not always an advantage, I have a sibling who is a lecturer at a top university and it certainly doesn't help get anyone onto his course.
Having a child is always risky so consider what you really value,!

I'm sorry, are you suggesting that only children are more likely to die by drugs or suicide?

I hope others take this statement as nothing more than the anonymous anecdata that it clearly is.

ChannelyourinnerElsa · 14/04/2023 08:16

A sibling is a roll of the dice that could be great, indifferent or have difficult effects on the first child- a disabled child affects the whole family, not always positively. You also can’t change it- there’s no sending a sibling back!

private school, if you pick the right one for the child, is usually beneficial, sometimes makes no difference, and if it doesn’t suit you can change it.

Only child and private school for me.

IsItJustMeOrWhatEh · 14/04/2023 08:18

I don't agree with private education and having a second child has been a joy (hard work too admittedly) so would 100% chose a second child. I know my children might not be close as adults, but there are few guarantees in life and seeing them enjoy each others company now, and the way they're both learning from each other is lovely (I was an only child who longed for a sibling and the company of other children).

However agree with PP who has said you're asking the wrong question, do you want another child or not? Seems like a rather cold and calculating way to look at your life choices TBH.

Easterfunbun · 14/04/2023 08:19

Well that’s a no brainer, I would have another child. A private Ed is not the be all and end all.

CalistoNoSolo · 14/04/2023 08:21

CoffeeBean5 · 14/04/2023 04:04

I don’t understand the whole ‘give your child a sibling’ argument because it’s as though younger siblings are pets. It’s not guaranteed that the children will get along. Additional children only benefit the parents.

This.

ChocChipHandbag · 14/04/2023 08:23

Sotiredmjmmy · 14/04/2023 08:14

With my dc, absolutely sibling! With my own siblings, absolutely siblings. Problem is you cannot predict what type of sibling relationship they will have!

We are close with lots of 1 child families, it’s not something I would pick out of choice but my experience is also very much biased shorter age gaps (2-3yrs), if a bigger gap then the dynamic of adding a sibling is different too

What is it about your friends who are single-child families that makes you say you would not pick their lifestyle?

Or do you simply mean that you can't imagine life without your second child?

DutchCowgirl · 14/04/2023 08:23

Sibling.

I am an only child, mother died 8 years ago, father is at the end of his life. There is just no other family left, no one to talk about how our house looked, how Christmas used to be… Nobody else to discuss the medical decisions I have to make about my father. I’d prefer a sibling which I didn’t get along with, or a sibling who isn’t a big part i my life, over this.

Easterfunbun · 14/04/2023 08:24

@MrsToothyBitch

You only hear of the bad stuff. What about… Me, my brother and sister all really get on quite well and enjoy each others company. We laugh about our shared history and our kids have wonderful cousin relationships. If I never had them I wouldn’t miss them but my life quality is immeasurably improved with them in it. Apparently my mother was going to have a 4th but decided not too. Who knows maybe that one would have been the bad apple 🍎 😂.

Seriously though if you wanted another child and gave that up just so one could have a “private Ed” which in this day and age isn’t all that exclusive or special I find that crazy. That’s a lot of expectation already on that kid.

Hbh17 · 14/04/2023 08:28

Private education. There is no guarantee that siblings will even like each other.
And if times get hard, you can always fall back on state education whereas you can't send back a second child that you can't afford.

CasperGutman · 14/04/2023 08:28

illiterato · 14/04/2023 05:44

To add I have 2 DC. I think both would have been equally happy being an only child as they are both super sociable “joiners” and just find other kids to hang out with. They spend v little time together if I’m honest.

But perhaps their personalities are a product of their environment. For example, they may be gregarious, outgoing and sociable because they have experience sharing spaces, property, food etc. with each other at home. Or not.

Growing up alongside a sibling is such a fundamental change. If they'd been only children, perhaps they would have been quite different!

Strugglingtodomybest · 14/04/2023 08:29

I can't imagine not having my brother in my life, it actually makes me feel a bit sick to imagine it. There's no way I'd have preferred a private education instead of him. I've done fine with my state school education and I am educated, for free, to postgraduate degree level.

JMSA · 14/04/2023 08:31

Sibling. But only if you actually want one 😬

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