A sibling or a private education?

[Evely]

Posting in AIBU for voting.

DH and I discussing, it came up in conversation with family - we can see pros and cons to both sides so we're sat on the fence.

If you had 1 DC and financially could afford to send them to private school but you couldn't afford to send 2 x DC to private school - would you say it would be better to stick at one DC?

Taking into consideration that the catchment state school in your area is OK but not brilliant.

Yabu - it's more important to have a sibling than a private education

Yanbu - stick with one DC and give them the best education you can

A sibling isn't a gift to a child. You have another child because you and the father want to (unless you have an accidental baby).

Siblings can be great and be one of the deepest relationships you have in your life. Siblings can be horrific and terrible sibling relationships and abuse can scar lives. Or even murder - Cain and Abel show sibling relationships have always been difficult.

It's your choice as adults - it's not just about school fees but lifestyle. Do you want to pay two sets of childcare, feed two kids, pay for holidays, clothes, hobbies etc? If you'd rather have one child and more money, that is also fine. You don't need to have a child just because you have one already.

I would start here, do you really want to have another child? If so, then I would say go for it, but if you're not sure, then don't and perhaps a private education will be a nice side effect of that.

Good advice!

I'm an only child and feel that there are advantages too. I have always had great friends and an extended family that I never feel that I missed out on siblings.

We are about to have our second child. First child is about to start school in September. I’m not keen on the baby stage either but hoping this time I’m much more prepared! Don’t feel pressured to have another child if you are not ready for one, everyone is on their own timeline. If you decide you do want another child, state school until secondary school would give you a chance to save for both children. Even if the state school isn’t the highest standard, you can always do some classes and tutoring alongside school as they grow up - much less expensive and fairer on both children. A lot of the local mums to me are sending the kids to state school for a few years before moving to the country and sending them to private. They want more space and more affordable school fees.

Make your decision based on whether YOU want another child or not.
I have a sibling. I’d rather have had the education.
I have one child. She has the education. She’d probably rather have the sibling.

We have one child. If we could afford to send him to a private school we would. One of the reasons we eventually come to the conclusion we wanted just one was that we could give the only child much more opportunities than if we had 2 I had 3 sisters and my partner had 2 brothers but his grand parents were both only children and therefore were able to move up the social ladder.
My parents struggled so much with 4 kids I would never choose to do that to mine.

We stopped at three children because we knew wanted to afford private education if needed, but we always knew we wanted three whatever, so I would have chosen siblings over independent schools and would have moved heaven and earth to access good, preferably single sex state schools if needed.
Having gone through the education system in two countries and both state and private, I would say it’s lovely to have all the extras private schools offer, plus small class sizes, but it’s absolutely not necessary at primary level because you can fill in any gaps at home. If you can save the school fees now, you can look at private for senior school until GCSE, then transfer back to the state sector for sixth form if necessary. That’s what a lot of our DD’s friends did and it worked well for them.
If you only had five years of senior school fees could you afford to have another child and give them both the same opportunities?
One thing to note is how much the fees go up each year too. When our DDs started school in 2003 we were paying £1k per term each, so £9k per year. By the time the eldest was in upper sixth ten years later we were paying £35k per year, so you really need to factor that in, especially as fees seem to be rising faster at the moment and salaries aren’t keeping pace.

Is this a real thing that people choose between private school or a sibling. So sad .

Well, I agree that it's sad that people would choose not to have a child that they might dearly want just because they wouldn't be able to send their kids to private school.

However, I also think it's sad when people have second and subsequent children without really thinking through whether yet can afford them.

Balance is good!

However, I also think it's sad when people have second and subsequent children without really thinking through whether yet can afford them.

If the op had phrased her op differently -without mentioning private schools specifically- she would probably have received more balanced answers.

This.

You can't know how they would have turned out without each other's influence though.

You can't know how they would have turned out without each other's influence though.

And likewise you'll never know how an only child would have turned out with siblings. I'm an only child and don't think I'd have turned out any worse with a sibling

Or better with a sibling?!

Youre comparing apples and oranges.

Unless you consider private school an absolute essential, on par with feeding and clothing your child, then it's optional and you are making a lifestyle choice.

It really was a genuine question.

you’ve listed facilities.

what can these facilities give your child(ren) that a state school, some other extra activities and some parental time and affection can’t?!

will these things make your child happy? Will these things make your child a nice person?
will these things help your child be a successful (however you choose to measure that!) adult?

or will it just make you feel like you’ve tried by paying for it?!

if I wanted to my children could go to private school - they don’t, because I don’t believe it’s best for them in many levels and they get so many more life experiences with it her extra curricular activities.

if you “buy” into private schools, it’s all consuming. It’ll dictate family life in its entirety leaving you little options for social life and other extra curricular activities.

you aren’t just buying an education.

you’re buying into a cult !!

my experience is based on people I know who have been to private school (are 40 & 50 and have limited amounts of common sense and knowledge of the world!).
people who have sent their children to private schools and are used to having everything done for them, can barely make a sandwich let alone cook a meal (despite the posh DT kitchens!) and have come out with 3’s & 4’s at GCSE !!

also about 50% of the teens I know who have been through or are going through private school have severe mental health issues ….. due to pressure from school. …. so not exactly making them happy in the process !!

children aren’t chickens. They don’t automatically thrive on a patch of grass & a climbing wall … they need so much more !!

im not saying it’s the wrong decision. I’m saying look at it properly. In my experience it’s not worked as well for those who have done it as they perhaps hoped !!

(I’d have one child and give them £150k when they’re 18 to buy a home! Make them content and well rounded on the way!)

to expand my “cult” point. They only see the same people day in and day out. Slightly different focuses, but know expansion of knowledge, people, making friendships, building relationships, initiating conversations with new people. Being in new situations with new people. ….. all life skills !!

just move around in a herd !

And how exactly does a state school facilitate seeing different people in your daily life? They also have fixed pupil populations..might be more diverse but it's still the same people day in day out? 🤷‍♀️

it Doesn’t. You make the effort to do that with other activities.

100% sibling (s)

Scenario 1: Private school family. The school is 35 minutes drive away and the school day runs until 4pm. There is a lot of extra curricular activities available so children are encouraged to do at least 2 a week. So 3 days a week (multiple children) they are not home until 5.30pm. As this is is already a long day and because parents are keen to minimise doing any other travelling, the children don't do any other activities out of school but focus on relaxing and school work. They don't meet other children around and about as they drive to school and they don't go to the park after school (or "hang out" when an age to do this. So interacting with other children out of school is confined to play dates with school friends.

Scenario 2 : State school family. The school is within walking distance and they meet a lot of children on the way to and from school and after school (not just children who go to their school). As they get old enough to do so they "hang out" after school and again mix with a range of children. The extra curricular provision at their school is ok but not great so they do activities out of school. The after school activities cover a wide range of children and, through those children they meet yet other children. When they get to the age of having phones, they exchange numbers and build friendships with these children even if by then they are not sharing any common activities.

Spot the difference? Of course there will be variation within specific families, but you can see how your average state school child is likely to get to know more others than your average private school child.

Spot on !
thanks.

also applies to the adults they meet with the children at a younger age. The adults they meet at the extra activities, both with the children and running them.

it’s quite literally a widening of social circles and an ability to act within them!

Well, I went to state school, walked there every day and and I can tell you that in 13 years I never once got talking to a random kid from another school on the way to and from school!

Locally, the catchments meant that people who lived near particular parks all went to the same school.

On the other hand, I was at Brownies, Guides, gymnastics and horse riding with kids who went to the local private schools.

Not every area has or did have catchments.

My schools were done on distance and even then there was overlap. (My primary school was briefly done on catchment after I left but then they realised it was excluding certain people.)

So when I went off to play badminton, the adventure playground or hung out with school friends at secondary school there were kids from our different primary schools, their Saturday school(s) and simply lived next door to someone hanging out with us.

The people I did my A levels with were even more mixed.

My DD aged 4 is taken to a handful of playgrounds to play in. The children playing in them come from the wider local area so don't go to the same schools. And yes the children interact with one another.

Of course at an individual level some people will mix more with others and some won't.

But there will be at least some children who walk to school, go to the local park after school and play out in the evenings that do meet others that they don't know (and not just others from other schools - maybe others from their own school that aren't on their radar while at school). A child that does none of those things has 100% chance of not meeting anyone else.

I ran our local Brownies for 15 years. In that time we had 1 private school child. We did however, have children from 7 different local state schools. (And yes, we're in an area where state schools are very catchment based, but Brownie places were at a premium and people travelled :))

@redskylight lots and lots of state school children have parents who work and can't pick them up at 3 so they can run free and mingle in the park. Very many will be in after school club.