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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

A sibling or a private education?

207 replies

Evely · 14/04/2023 00:50

Posting in AIBU for voting.

DH and I discussing, it came up in conversation with family - we can see pros and cons to both sides so we're sat on the fence.

If you had 1 DC and financially could afford to send them to private school but you couldn't afford to send 2 x DC to private school - would you say it would be better to stick at one DC?

Taking into consideration that the catchment state school in your area is OK but not brilliant.

Yabu - it's more important to have a sibling than a private education

Yanbu - stick with one DC and give them the best education you can

OP posts:
Reugny · 14/04/2023 09:37

Sorry your question is weird.

Move house to an area with better schools. It is actually cheaper as school fees only go up.

Then if you want another child have one. Some siblings get on and some don't. Some sibling relationships change over time going in either direction.

Reugny · 14/04/2023 09:38

chopc · 14/04/2023 09:35

I would say sibling without any hesitation (grammar school educated with 2 siblings) and one whom I really don't get on with

But my DH who is an only child and his parents could only afford one child in private said given the circumstances he would choose private school as the state options were not good where his parents lived

Why couldn't his parents move house?

LuvSmallDogs · 14/04/2023 09:39

Private education is no guarantee. The 11+ set up in Guernsey at the time meant top (I think 5% max?) were offered scholarship to otherwise private paid single sex college, next % down mixed grammar, rest to terrible-to-good catchment state schools.

My sister got into the single sex college, I missed out on grammar by a whisker and got chucked in the local shit hole that was in a limited lifetime building that should have been demolished 30 years before.

My shitty state school had lots of physical fights and bullying from both sexes.

Her college had rampant stereotypical mean-girl psychological bullying - my sister and other clever girls from average backgrounds got targeted by the "yah brigade" for passing the 11+ to get there instead of having rich mummies and daddies. There was an epidemic of eating disorders requiring hospitalisation in several cases, and a couple of underage girls getting pregnant - no pregnancies in my time at the shithole!

fizzandchips · 14/04/2023 09:44

I have 3. I love them unconditionally. However, if I had my time again, I would have one. If you’re on the fence then I would go with enjoying the one you have .

Peppadog · 14/04/2023 09:54

Depressing thread. Only on Mumsnet are so many people no contact with siblings and family. There's no way I'd sacrifice my brother and niece and nephew for a private education.

Emanresu9 · 14/04/2023 10:09

@PlinkPlonkFizz you have no idea the lengths I’ve gone to to try and find a solution for her. And my parents. My childhood was seeing them in tears with the lack of support. Don’t dare tell the families of disabled people that there is massive of help and care out there and they’re somehow choosing not to access it. You have no idea.

Sleepyandconfused · 14/04/2023 10:12

Having had both, I’d choose a sibling any day.

WhatALightbulbMoment · 14/04/2023 10:12

This is the ultimate individualistic question! I think it's so weird how our Western culture values money, possessions, and private schooling so much that we are willing to give up relationships for it. Maybe I see it that way because I was privately educated and it was a complete waste of money. Not because I didn't do well, but because the school wasn't better than an average state school.
I also have 2 siblings I don't see much now we're all adults, but as children the 3 of us spent hours and hours playing and having fun. The best memories of my childhood involve my siblings, we had so much fun! So that's probably why your way of thinking sounds absolutely crazy to me!

Nismet · 14/04/2023 10:12

I haven't voted, I can't wrap my head round how this can be how you choose whether to make another person or not. The question is how much you want another child.

DC2 should not be brought into the world to keep DC1 company, and DC1's expensive education should not come by denying another person their existence. Figure out whether you want another child enough in their own right.

Meandfour · 14/04/2023 10:14

I think this depends on how old your existing child is.
Having said that, if it’s tight enough where it’s either fees or a 2ndchild I would say don’t go down the private school route. We have 3 in private and it costs much more than just the fees. I think it would end up being a struggle for you.

AncientToaster · 14/04/2023 10:17

If you are on the fence then don’t have a child currently though it doesn’t mean you need to educate privately.

Get to know your own child, if it’s a struggle financially then be very careful. The last thing you want is a child who is in the private system thats ends up in the state system after experiencing that privilege.

We didn’t send DS to private school, DH was privately educated, I wasn’t. If your child is clever they will do well anywhere, it’s the middling level children of the well off who get the best advantage attending a private school. DS achieved all A levels at A grade and was sent to the local under average comp. It was a waste of money sending him because we knew he was really clever. DH was educated at a leading public school because he was from a very wealthy family, servants, ponies, ancestral home in the countryside level. I get on well with MIL but I’m pretty sure she expected him to not to marry someone like me. I am as he says his diamond in the rough. I was from an extremely poor immigrant background but excelled academically. We met at work, I had to work crazy hours to get through University, he admires me greatly because it was such an effort. Two people who ended up in the same place but with very different routes.

Moopyhereagain · 14/04/2023 10:18

It does sound OP like money might be a bit tight if it’s such a finely balanced financial decision anyway- not a lot of room for major life events - def worse case scenario but my DH died and even with life insurance 2 in private would have been impossible. And remember school fees likely double during education, will your salaries? I know it’s been said but think it’s 1. Does your family feel complete? 2. What are the best education options for the children you end up having? Also moving schools coz of life changes is tough at the time but ultimately not such a big deal and people do it all the time.

Dulra · 14/04/2023 10:21

As others have said a completely bizarre way of looking at things. Do you want a second child? If yes go for it

Does it really really matter that much whether your child is state or privately educated? If you and your dh value a good education they will get the much needed support in the home and do well no matter where they go.
I can honestly sat I had my babies (3 in total) and never once considered where they would go to school until they got close to the age it became relevant to them. You don't have a crystal ball you have know way of knowing what your financial situation will be in 5 to 1 years time.
You also have no way of knowing what your child will be like, what type of school will suit them and where they are likely to fit in. These are all things to consider when choosing a school. When my dd1 was born I assumed she would go to the local primary school but she was later diagnosed with asd and adhd so that would not suit her so we opted for something different that would better support her needs.

Glamgwen · 14/04/2023 10:21

We didn't chose private education over siblings but we can afford to privately educate DC because they are on only child (having another child would have meant spending £££ on IVF). For us it was 100% the right decision. The alternative would have been to spend upwards of £1m to move to the catchment area for the 'good' state school in our area and cripple ourselves in the process.

But, obviously, it depends on your circumstances. Do you actually want more children? Are sibling relationships important to you? (For background, both DH and I have complicated families and didn't grow up with close siblings.) If the answers are 'yes' then having another child should trump everything else.

Blaueblumen · 14/04/2023 10:23

There's no way I'd sacrifice my brother and niece and nephew

But if a person never had a sibling or niece then they aren't having to 'sacrifice' anything.

My life is happy and fulfilling and I don't happen to have any siblings.

My dh has a sibling whom they don't get on with. He would never 'sacrifice' them but would not be any less happy without them.

Dulra · 14/04/2023 10:24

Are sibling relationships important to you?
This is important I am close to my 3 siblings and would never have wanted a private education over them in my life

Glamgwen · 14/04/2023 10:26

Dulra · 14/04/2023 10:24

Are sibling relationships important to you?
This is important I am close to my 3 siblings and would never have wanted a private education over them in my life

Then if you were the OP giving your own child siblings is likely to be way more important than a private education for one.

Dotjones · 14/04/2023 10:28

Stick to a single DC and send them to private school. One, they're education will be better which will improve the rest of their life. Two, they won't have to deal with the usual sibling-on-sibling abuse that goes on (though statistically the elder one is more likely to be the abuser of course). Three, when you die they'll inherit all of your money rather than it being diluted across multiple children.

Goldbar · 14/04/2023 10:33

CoffeeBean5 · 14/04/2023 04:04

I don’t understand the whole ‘give your child a sibling’ argument because it’s as though younger siblings are pets. It’s not guaranteed that the children will get along. Additional children only benefit the parents.

I don't understand this argument either.

It depends entirely on the particular sibling relationship, but imo it's incorrect to say siblings never "benefit" each other.

Crispyturtle · 14/04/2023 10:34

If I was so ambivalent about having a second child that it came down to this issue, I would stick at one.

jeaux90 · 14/04/2023 10:37

Firstly school choice should be about your individual child rather than a default decision.

My DD13 is an only, she is bright but has ADHD and ASD so private school is the best option because of the small class sizes, pastoral care and lovely peaceful environment.

If she had been different the local secondary may well have worked well for her.

You can't predict what your child needs, I would stick with one.

HildasLostSock · 14/04/2023 10:37

We could have (just about) afforded private education when we had one DC but I desperately wanted another, so we had another. I agree with PP's that education is more predictable than a sibling, so really it boils down to whether you want another. DH went to a terrible state school but worked hard & eventually got a PhD from a RG uni. Educationally you can still do well if you go to your local school, although I imagine there are fewer hurdles on the private route (I don't know anyone who went to a private school though so it's purely a guess, I imagine better social connections and more attractive to potential employers but I have no experience of that side I could be talking nonsense).

ChocChipHandbag · 14/04/2023 10:37

"The usual sibling-on-sibling abuse" @Dotjones. That's a bit strong!

FirstnameSuesecondnamePerb · 14/04/2023 10:47

It wasn't a consideration for us. We had the 3 children we wanted and lived in reasonable school catchments. We relocated to avoid Middle school for our third child. We had the number we could provide a reasonable life for. But we haven't saved house deposits or anything like that.

Sittingonabench · 14/04/2023 10:54

Looking at the state of the school systems and other provisions in the country I would probably focus the resources I had on the existing child. Even if education, healthcare etc is turned around I think we’re going to be in a tricky position for a while (decade plus). So once past schooling there will be other things to consider. A sibling can be wonderful support but they will need to share resources and that may mean they both struggle later with fewer options to better their circumstances. There isn’t a right answer though.