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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH agrees with ExH

189 replies

TAmum3 · 13/04/2023 23:40

So to cut a long story short, ExH has our 2 children every other weekend - pick up is usually 5/5:30pm on Friday and Sunday drop back similar. This has been consistent for about 2yrs now, however before that it would fluctuate massive ie sat am pick up, sun am drop off - all depending on ExH schedule and what worked for him. To the point where we (me and DH) had to cancel a Venice weekend trip, numerous dinner/ friends plans etc all cancelled last minute.

ExH puts all shit on us, as his partner (who he had an affair with and subsequently caused our divorce) won’t help out at all.

Tomorrow is ExH weekend but has now messaged to say he can’t pick up until gone 7pm (then a 2.5 hour journey to his house) as he’s working late. I asked to keep plans the same as usual, as I have arrangements. He said I can drop to his partner after 5pm, provided I give them dinner. This means I’ll have to give them dinner at 3pm instead of their usual 6pm (kids are 10 &12), and I’ll still have a really long round trip. He won’t be home until 9:30/10 ish, and they don’t get on well with stepmum due to too many issues to go in to right now.

DH thinks for the sake of ExH picking up a couple of hours later, it’s not worth the argument, and that he has to work so I should be more accommodating, but I’m sick of always having no choice but to be accommodating to ExH when it’s all one sided! DH also agrees with my side but just thinks it’s a hopeless case, and can’t be bothered with the backwards/ forwards after 8 years of this. DH will still go ahead with our social plans for the evening, so doesn’t change his life.

what would you do?

Option 1 (YABU): suck it up once again, and either let ExH pick up late, or drop the kids off to their stepmum who has made it clear she’s not making food for them.

Option 2 (YANBU): keep the kids with me and if ExH can fit them in to his busy schedule at another time ie Saturday morning, then he can see them then?

or any other options I haven’t thought of?!

Just to add, he doesn’t do any extra time in school holidays, it’s always just the every other weekend, he does pay CMO maintenance payments but won’t contribute anything else financially on top ie school trips/ uniform etc.
Either way, another weekend of me cancelling my plans to suit him 🙄. It’s 2 work days a month that I expect him to be able to get to his kids at the same time, I’ve spent my entire life/ career fitting around our children and making it work, it just pisses me off!

OP posts:
parietal · 13/04/2023 23:43

well if you want to be tough, you'd tell him that you will be going out at 5pm and will leave kids with a babysitter until 7pm and he can pay the babysitter.

I definitely wouldn't spend hours driving to his.

SeulementUneFois · 13/04/2023 23:44

Buy them a frozen pizza each that they can put in the oven at a more normal dinner time.

Viviennemary · 13/04/2023 23:44

Tell him to have them next weekend instead. He is being a real pain in the neck. But all you can do is to choose the arrangement for this weekend that suits you best.

Pixiedust1234 · 13/04/2023 23:46

Option 3. ExH sticks to the original plans or doesn't have the children. Its down to him to sort things out, not you.

What do the children think of travelling at that time? Are they getting annoyed at all the chopping and changing? It won't be long before the first one is of an age to refuse all contact.

Original poster
TAmum3 · 13/04/2023 23:46

SeulementUneFois · 13/04/2023 23:44

Buy them a frozen pizza each that they can put in the oven at a more normal dinner time.

I actually thought about this so may suggest - as usual it’s late the night before his weekend and still trying to negotiate details!

OP posts:
Original poster
TAmum3 · 13/04/2023 23:48

Viviennemary · 13/04/2023 23:44

Tell him to have them next weekend instead. He is being a real pain in the neck. But all you can do is to choose the arrangement for this weekend that suits you best.

Issue we have, is my DSS (similar age) lives with us full time and sees her mum on the same weekend my kids go to their dad. To change would mean they were on opposite weekends 😩

OP posts:
Original poster
TAmum3 · 13/04/2023 23:51

Also to add, he’s incredibly difficult to speak to, so I try to word my messages in a ‘non confrontational’ way to try to avoid the predictable response.

PP - yes, I can’t imagine it will be long DC choose not to go anymore. They both often come home in tears, and although many backward/ forwards conversations with them and their dad, they still haven’t said they want to stop going YET

OP posts:
SeulementUneFois · 13/04/2023 23:51

Don't suggest it, just do it. Send them over with the pizzas.

SeulementUneFois · 13/04/2023 23:52

Forgiveness better than permission here.

Eggseggseverywhere · 13/04/2023 23:53

Find a reliable babysitter.. When ex sees the dc happy with a sitter and not missing him he might pull his bloody socks up. Make sure cms reflects him hardly having them.

Stompythedinosaur · 14/04/2023 00:00

Obviously your ex is a dick, but I agree that I'd let him pick up late, or just keep the DC for the weekend. I wouldn't drive for hours or leave them with an adult who won't care for them.

Dontbelieveaword · 14/04/2023 00:03

Is contact an informal arrangement or court ordered? If informal, get to court and get a proper order. If it's already court ordered, take him back to court because he's not sticking to the schedule. If it's on his contact days/weekends, it's his responsibility to arrange a suitable pick up and childcare if he can't be there for them, not yours.

Is it possible to leave then with a sitter until he arrives, as previously suggested? It would be a pity to miss your social event if your DC would be OK with this arrangement.

For the poster who says, send them over with a pizza - as OP says, it's 2.5 hours away so not really that practical.

Hope you get something sorted and you get to enjoy your evening out

KittyAlfred · 14/04/2023 00:07

What would you children prefer?

evuscha · 14/04/2023 00:08

Keep the DCs and get a babysitter. Doesn’t sound like they enjoy going or that they are really wanted there. Yanbu to be annoyed but it doesn’t sound like EXH will change and the ones that get hurt the most are the kids.

Original poster
TAmum3 · 14/04/2023 00:09

KittyAlfred · 14/04/2023 00:07

What would you children prefer?

Good question - not sure as I try really hard to keep them from all the adult stuff but it might be time I start asking them!

OP posts:
thespy · 14/04/2023 00:09

Tell him he can pick them up at 7pm but he will have to pay the babysitter you arranged for him.

maddy68 · 14/04/2023 00:10

Send them with their food. Either a frozen pizza or make them sandwiches to take

StoppinBy · 14/04/2023 00:11

Organise a babysitter and he can foot the bill.

Sittwritt · 14/04/2023 00:12

God what an awful situation for your kids period, step mummy from hell who seems to have zilch interest in them and Dad who’s so non committal. I’d be getting a formal agreement in place and sticking to it.

Save all his shitty messages of all cancellations.

Sounds like the wanker enjoys disrupting your life actually it’s just pure control. It’s not enough that he’s with his gem of AP who sounds awful, but his own royal awfulness likes to exert some control over you.

Tomorrowisagesaway · 14/04/2023 00:37

My ex did this - it was for the fun of pussing me off, he'd turn up between an hour to 6 hours late for every second Friday afternoon pickups, I figured to remind me that I was the babysitter and my time had no value.

I got the access agreement changed so he would pick up from school, I changed my working hours to full time on his Fridays, and I didn't have many problems after that. He hsd been happy to let me and our daughter down, but weirdly not the school!

If your ex won't pick up from school I think you should get a babysitter lined up for any Friday you want to go out - I'd say he's unlikely to pay, but it will be much less fun for him if he can't keep you hanging around. Also avoids confrontation with him.

DogInATent · 14/04/2023 00:45

Mickey Dee's car picnic on the way over?

blubberball · 14/04/2023 00:45

Poor kids. These shit dads can't make an effort for even a couple of weekends a month can they? They do just love to mess you around, and they use the dc as weapons to hurt you and control you.

I'd just tell him not to bother this week, and he can see them on the next contact weekend that rolls around (if it's fucking convenient of course) Your dc don't sound bothered about going any way

BadNomad · 14/04/2023 00:52

I'd drop them off then order food to the house for them for 6pm.

SheilaWilcox · 14/04/2023 00:55

What time are your plans?

Can you just feed them at 5ish as usual and they wait until 7 for him to arrive?

It's not right that he mucks you and them around, but they are old enough to see that you put them first and he doesn't and that will pay dividends for your relationship with them long term.

Goldbar · 14/04/2023 02:56

BadNomad · 14/04/2023 00:52

I'd drop them off then order food to the house for them for 6pm.

This is a good idea. Drop them off and then arrange deliveroo/just eat for them. Cheaper than a babysitter.

Can you change contact arrangements so he picks up from school/after-school club?