DH agrees with ExH

[TAmum3]

So to cut a long story short, ExH has our 2 children every other weekend - pick up is usually 5/5:30pm on Friday and Sunday drop back similar. This has been consistent for about 2yrs now, however before that it would fluctuate massive ie sat am pick up, sun am drop off - all depending on ExH schedule and what worked for him. To the point where we (me and DH) had to cancel a Venice weekend trip, numerous dinner/ friends plans etc all cancelled last minute.

ExH puts all shit on us, as his partner (who he had an affair with and subsequently caused our divorce) won’t help out at all.

Tomorrow is ExH weekend but has now messaged to say he can’t pick up until gone 7pm (then a 2.5 hour journey to his house) as he’s working late. I asked to keep plans the same as usual, as I have arrangements. He said I can drop to his partner after 5pm, provided I give them dinner. This means I’ll have to give them dinner at 3pm instead of their usual 6pm (kids are 10 &12), and I’ll still have a really long round trip. He won’t be home until 9:30/10 ish, and they don’t get on well with stepmum due to too many issues to go in to right now.

DH thinks for the sake of ExH picking up a couple of hours later, it’s not worth the argument, and that he has to work so I should be more accommodating, but I’m sick of always having no choice but to be accommodating to ExH when it’s all one sided! DH also agrees with my side but just thinks it’s a hopeless case, and can’t be bothered with the backwards/ forwards after 8 years of this. DH will still go ahead with our social plans for the evening, so doesn’t change his life.

what would you do?

Option 1 (YABU): suck it up once again, and either let ExH pick up late, or drop the kids off to their stepmum who has made it clear she’s not making food for them.

Option 2 (YANBU): keep the kids with me and if ExH can fit them in to his busy schedule at another time ie Saturday morning, then he can see them then?

or any other options I haven’t thought of?!

Just to add, he doesn’t do any extra time in school holidays, it’s always just the every other weekend, he does pay CMO maintenance payments but won’t contribute anything else financially on top ie school trips/ uniform etc.
Either way, another weekend of me cancelling my plans to suit him 🙄. It’s 2 work days a month that I expect him to be able to get to his kids at the same time, I’ve spent my entire life/ career fitting around our children and making it work, it just pisses me off!

I wouldn’t trust him to pay the babysitter. I would say pick up the kids at the usual time, or you can pick them up at 7 from where you will be. Or say pick the kids up at 5 or you miss the weekend with them.

At 10 and 12 I'd expect them to be able to rustle up something for dinner themselves at your ex's house.

If it wouldn’t upset your kids much, or put you out re the driving too much, I’d drop them with stepmother armed with a frozen pizza. This is the thing that will most likely make him behave in future.

Failing that you are just going to put up with it, cancelling their weekend with him is just not going to do your kids any good and will piss your DP off.

Are there special needs involved? Why can’t you just leave them home for an hour or two then he picks up at 7 from yours?

I’d ask the kids what they want to do.
you say they’ve not said they don’t want to go YET but maybe they feel they have no choice?? Give them a choice and if they don’t want to go that’s that. V difficult situation.. he sounds a absolute twat. I feel sorry for the kids as they’ll know they aren’t high on his list of priorities. X

You could leave them at the step mums as she’ll lay into him then aswell.. in some ways it might enforce your position. Still shit for the kids though x

The kids are old enough to eat take away with their step mother without being a bother.
Try that. Drop children and Chinese to Step mum at 5:00pm.
The kids can clean up and get themselves ready for bed by the time their Dad gets in.
This might mean that SM is open to being a supervisor which will help ExH out in future. If it doesn't work no doubt SM or kids will let ExH know.

I can't really see much benefit of dropping them off at 5

Sorry pressed post too soon.
I can't see much benefit of dropping them off at 5pm because you won't be home until 7.30 if he lives so far away. So it would screw up your plans anyway and you wouldn't be able to get ready and be shattered from a 5hour drive.

Jeez.

Why just assume they will want to refuse contact? For all you or I know they love their dad and would spend more time there if they could.

It’s shit, but IMO you need to put your DC first.

By driving them to the sm’s so that you can keep to your plans will just confirm to the DC that nobody actually wants them, SM doesn’t, eXH doesn’t bother, and you’re dropping them with SM who doesn’t want them, so where does that leave them?

Aside from which if you drive them to drop them off at 5 and it’s a 2.5 hour trip you’re not going to be home until 7:30 anyway so you’re not going to benefit in any way.

The dh come first here, and the only one who can ensure that is you.

And at 10 and 12 they’re perfectly old enough to be left alone for a couple of hours.

Don't do the 5-hour round trip for him! You know where that one will end up as he is happy to waste your time.

Leave your kids at home alone and he can pick them up from yours. Apparently he'll get more time with them that way because he can pick them up at 7pm rather then seeing them at his at 9.30-10pm. If your kids like watching TV/gaming no doubt the time will fly past anyway.

Or tell him not to collect them this weekend and he can arrange himself better for two weeks time.

Or drop them off at his work - it seems to be not far away given the timings. Not serious on that one, obviously that's not fair on the kids.

But definitely don't do the round trip!

Frozen pizza at home, babysitter until he picks up at 7.

At 10 and 12 are they old enough to stay home alone for the couple of hours whilst you are out ? Either make a frozen pizza before you go or see if ex would pay for you to get them a McDonald’s or something.

As driving all that way doesn't help you time-wise, you may as well stay put and wait for him, annoying as it is.

You could compromise and drive half way, meet him somewhere at 6 where he could buy them a meal - but again, by the time you drive home you'll be no better off.

Just out of interest, which of you moved 2.5 hours away?

That shouldn't ever be factored in imo.

And it's perfectly reasonable for his partner to not want to help out - she's probably as fed up with him as you are!

Does it have to be a car journey? Could the kids travel on a train / coach? Either alone or with a babysitter?

What about a taxi at Ex's expense?

Don't give them dinner at 3pm, pack up some food, preferably something that makes lots of crumbs to eat at dad's.

Ask the children what they want to do, they are old enough to have some say in this.

Thats a good idea if the kids are OK with it

"dropping them with the stepmother" is a 5-hour return trip though!

What is his job and who moved 2.5 hours away?

Because I'm sympathetic if he has the sort of job where it is actually hard to finish at 2:30pm on a Friday afternoon, to do a 5 hour round trip because exw moved 2.5 hours away.

But definitely not sympathetic if he can easily finish at 2:30pm, and it is his own fault he lives 2.5 hours away.

If it happens regularly might it be worth accepting that 5pm isn't working and negotiate a later pick up/drop off?

I'd give them dinner then sit them in front of a film until their dad arrives. They're old enough to be left home alone for an hour or two. Just make sure they know all emergency numbers and don't use anything that could set fire to the house!

Sorry doesn't work for me is all you need to say, keep kids Friday night and he can collect Saturday morning. Just get a sitter for a few hours.

Cut off the oxygen supply to all his drama. Children home alone with a snack until he picks them up at 7pm or he skips his contact entirely and he takes full responsibility and future implications of that. You’re not his support human anymore. Yes it’s shit for the children but you can only control your reaction to the situation.

YANBU. He sounds like a prize wanker.
at 10 and 12 are they not old enough to sit in the house for 2 hours and wait for him? Or do you have someone that’s local who could sit in with them? I know you shouldn’t have to.
Other option, as a PP suggested, I’d get a court order if you don’t already have one.

As they don’t get on well with the step mum I wouldn’t be leaving them with her, as I was that child once.
For your kids sake I’d accommodate him. It won’t be that long until you can leave them at home for him to pick up.