DH agrees with ExH

[TAmum3]

So to cut a long story short, ExH has our 2 children every other weekend - pick up is usually 5/5:30pm on Friday and Sunday drop back similar. This has been consistent for about 2yrs now, however before that it would fluctuate massive ie sat am pick up, sun am drop off - all depending on ExH schedule and what worked for him. To the point where we (me and DH) had to cancel a Venice weekend trip, numerous dinner/ friends plans etc all cancelled last minute.

ExH puts all shit on us, as his partner (who he had an affair with and subsequently caused our divorce) won’t help out at all.

Tomorrow is ExH weekend but has now messaged to say he can’t pick up until gone 7pm (then a 2.5 hour journey to his house) as he’s working late. I asked to keep plans the same as usual, as I have arrangements. He said I can drop to his partner after 5pm, provided I give them dinner. This means I’ll have to give them dinner at 3pm instead of their usual 6pm (kids are 10 &12), and I’ll still have a really long round trip. He won’t be home until 9:30/10 ish, and they don’t get on well with stepmum due to too many issues to go in to right now.

DH thinks for the sake of ExH picking up a couple of hours later, it’s not worth the argument, and that he has to work so I should be more accommodating, but I’m sick of always having no choice but to be accommodating to ExH when it’s all one sided! DH also agrees with my side but just thinks it’s a hopeless case, and can’t be bothered with the backwards/ forwards after 8 years of this. DH will still go ahead with our social plans for the evening, so doesn’t change his life.

what would you do?

Option 1 (YABU): suck it up once again, and either let ExH pick up late, or drop the kids off to their stepmum who has made it clear she’s not making food for them.

Option 2 (YANBU): keep the kids with me and if ExH can fit them in to his busy schedule at another time ie Saturday morning, then he can see them then?

or any other options I haven’t thought of?!

Just to add, he doesn’t do any extra time in school holidays, it’s always just the every other weekend, he does pay CMO maintenance payments but won’t contribute anything else financially on top ie school trips/ uniform etc.
Either way, another weekend of me cancelling my plans to suit him 🙄. It’s 2 work days a month that I expect him to be able to get to his kids at the same time, I’ve spent my entire life/ career fitting around our children and making it work, it just pisses me off!

Yeah it's absolutely shit all to do with Julie or your Partner tbh OP

Leave Julie out of it. These kids are nothing to do with her.

I thought stepmothers were told to butt out on here? Or is that unless they’re needed by the mother to babysit?

The issue here is an unstable contact arrangement, unhappy children due to it, and a flaky ex-partner.

‘Julie’ may have played a role in the family breakdown, but the responsibility for that, and for the children, ultimately lies with the father, no?

Drive down (or up, whatever) to his with kids and DH, go out for a meal then drop the kids, go off to a hotel with DH and have some fun!

Even if OP had been vile to her ex's partner, that is NO excuse to refuse to even feed them - once in 8 years. Taking out any (assumed) "vitriol" on the kids shows what kind of a person that woman is.

Because everyone but step mothers are perfect and rise above everything all the time? Not the step mums problem, full stop. Whether she's a bitch or not is absolutely irrelevant. Focus on the butthole of a father and the OP who's more worried about her plans than looking after her children. If she and dad were together and one of the kids had gotten ill, what then? Break ups aren't just a way to get two weekends "off" a month.

I'll say it again, leave the kids at home with a pizza for an hour until dad can pick them up. It's really not that hard. Step dad is right, pick another hill to die on rather than stamping your feet about a non issue.

I don't have any vitriol from my partners ex. I've met her once at an event and we were civil.

I still am not going to enable my oh parenting. That's his job.

Just being practical LookLuv - keeping two nights a month free for hassle free handover isn't life controlling. A pain, yes, or having a babysitter and making sure those days are drama free for the kids if you've made unmoveable plans isn't impossible. The key is to take the fight/drama/anger out of the situation as that reduces the ex's ability to impact your life and emotions. Speaking from personal experience I wish we'd learnt to 'side step' rather than going head to head earlier when we had similar.

Because everyone but step mothers are perfect and rise above everything all the time?
Yet again, you are reading my words about a SPECIFIC person & falsely extrapolating a general point from it.
Any adult who can't rise above something to the extend that they refuse to look out for some kids & throw them a meal over 2 hours, once in 8 years, is very far from perfect.
It's got fuck-all to do with them being a step-parent.

FYI, I had a beloved step-dad & have been a step-mum for nearly 4 decades. I don't have any step-bashing agenda here.

Not the step mums problem, full stop. Whether she's a bitch or not is absolutely irrelevant.
Not her problem, no. But that's not the point.
Also jsut so not a biggie. She cou;d feed her partner's children, she could choose to be nicer to them - she chooses otherwise, & I judge her for that. Her being a bitch is exactly the point I am making.

Focus on the butthole of a father
NEWSFLASH - most people can hold more than one topic in their focus at a time.
I agree with you that the father is a butthole.
I also think his partner is a selfish bitch.

and the OP who's more worried about her plans than looking after her children. If she and dad were together and one of the kids had gotten ill, what then? Break ups aren't just a way to get two weekends "off" a month.
Breakup also aren't a way to get 26 days a month "off" - but OP's ex has done just that, & can't even manage 4 days a month consistently.
he can't even manage to have them for a weekend without sending them home again upset. I'm sure most kids would be upset to intuit that their dad doesn't care much for their happiness, & his new partner actively dislikes them.

I'll say it again, leave the kids at home with a pizza for an hour until dad can pick them up. It's really not that hard. Step dad is right, pick another hill to die on rather than stamping your feet about a non issue.
Being manipulated by your ex isn't a non-issue for many women who have to co-parent with their ex. Here's yet another one, who knows full well that OP can'y just "drop the rope" because unlike him, she's not prepared to lave her DC uncared for.

Manipulated, leave it out, he's working late, one night in two years. Go grind your axe elsewhere.

@KettrickenSmiled are you the OP with a failed namechange? Otherwise why are you all over this thread writing twee letters and arguing with posters?

What axe?

Hoping that an adult would be kind enough to give their partner's children a meal once in 8 years is hardly an axe. 😂

Although I'm amused that you've reversed tactics: instead of taking a specific point & pretending it was a general one, you've now taken a general remark about how many women continue to be manipulated by their ex via the kids, post-separation, & applied it specifically to OP's ex.

You've applied a general remark to a specific scenario and am stating that in this specific scenario, OP herself has said he has been consistent for two years. Both men and women manipulate, end of. We are getting one side of this story. There is an easy workaround, it's not difficult, this is such a non event that even the step dad agrees. So why are you still arguing with me?

Also, notably, the OP states that it's a two and a half hour journey, so she'd have to feed kids at 3 to get them there at 5...? But that if EXH picks them up at 7 he won't be home till half 9. I'm willing to bet this is a 2.5 hour round trip, otherwise surely OP would have to feed the kids at 2 to leave for half 2, to get there for 5? Doesn't add up. Sounds like exaggeration to make a point.

She said drop them of after 5. Not at 5.

Her presence in the children's lives is entirely down to their father. He knows that she doesn't want anything to do with them and he has chosen her to share his life with her anyway. He is clearly perfectly fine with this and they are his children, so why should she be held to a higher standard?

Probably because you're still arguing with me.
Odd how it's ok for you to continue, but you feel another PP shouldn't.

Happy to discontinue if you can bring yourself to just not reply .,,

Classic bait. It's OK so long as you have the last word though whilst belittling me, yeah? 😂

Agreed, but don't apply too much logic here. We must hate that evil witch for not taking on the motherly role that she would also be torn to shreds for.

I wouldn't send my kids to her if my ex wasn't going to be there giventhey don't like her and clearly, vice Versa

That's far too late

Tell your ex to come and get them on Saturday morning and put them first before any social plans

Yeah leave her out of it!

We've no idea what else has gone on.

Maybe the step mum has plans? I have a regular activity that happens the night OH kids are here so if he wasn't available I wouldn't be back up

Make a diary, then after say 2 months of him being crap, see how many times it's happened.
Reality is its controlling behaviour, which is domestic abuse. Which leads down all sorts of paths and backs you up in court if that's needed

I am not sure if your ExH works near your home or his. If he is leaving work at 6 to get to you for 7 could you meet half way maybe. Not ideal but just an idea.