DH agrees with ExH

[TAmum3]

So to cut a long story short, ExH has our 2 children every other weekend - pick up is usually 5/5:30pm on Friday and Sunday drop back similar. This has been consistent for about 2yrs now, however before that it would fluctuate massive ie sat am pick up, sun am drop off - all depending on ExH schedule and what worked for him. To the point where we (me and DH) had to cancel a Venice weekend trip, numerous dinner/ friends plans etc all cancelled last minute.

ExH puts all shit on us, as his partner (who he had an affair with and subsequently caused our divorce) won’t help out at all.

Tomorrow is ExH weekend but has now messaged to say he can’t pick up until gone 7pm (then a 2.5 hour journey to his house) as he’s working late. I asked to keep plans the same as usual, as I have arrangements. He said I can drop to his partner after 5pm, provided I give them dinner. This means I’ll have to give them dinner at 3pm instead of their usual 6pm (kids are 10 &12), and I’ll still have a really long round trip. He won’t be home until 9:30/10 ish, and they don’t get on well with stepmum due to too many issues to go in to right now.

DH thinks for the sake of ExH picking up a couple of hours later, it’s not worth the argument, and that he has to work so I should be more accommodating, but I’m sick of always having no choice but to be accommodating to ExH when it’s all one sided! DH also agrees with my side but just thinks it’s a hopeless case, and can’t be bothered with the backwards/ forwards after 8 years of this. DH will still go ahead with our social plans for the evening, so doesn’t change his life.

what would you do?

Option 1 (YABU): suck it up once again, and either let ExH pick up late, or drop the kids off to their stepmum who has made it clear she’s not making food for them.

Option 2 (YANBU): keep the kids with me and if ExH can fit them in to his busy schedule at another time ie Saturday morning, then he can see them then?

or any other options I haven’t thought of?!

Just to add, he doesn’t do any extra time in school holidays, it’s always just the every other weekend, he does pay CMO maintenance payments but won’t contribute anything else financially on top ie school trips/ uniform etc.
Either way, another weekend of me cancelling my plans to suit him 🙄. It’s 2 work days a month that I expect him to be able to get to his kids at the same time, I’ve spent my entire life/ career fitting around our children and making it work, it just pisses me off!

This is so sad. Your poor kids. 😕

They both often come home in tears

I missed this. It’s so sad. He doesn’t deserve any time with them.

Keep your kids.
Get a baby sitter and a takeaway for them.

Unless it's going stop you doing something I'd just let ex pick up later that evening, there's no way I'd do the driving.

I hear so much of myself in your post, the frustration at having to do all the mental load of child rearing whilst your ex can't even manage to be on time one day every two weeks is beyond annoying. I spent so much time being really annoyed and frustrated. What helped massively is just stopping giving a shit. If he's late, so what, let him be late. Either don't arrange anything for the Friday night or get a good baby sitter to cover for when he's late. As for dropping off early, if you're busy or away then he'll be forced into sorting it himself. Just text back, sorry y oh can't drop off the dc at 2 as I'm away, I'll be back for 5.30. You have to accept he's shit and drop the rope.

My ex did this to me, changed plans all the time. Even holidays so I was left with two children and childcare to sort.
It was his last stab at control.

At 10 and 12 can’t they stay home on their own until he arrives at 7:00? It’s only a short time after you have to leave. I would just give them supper and then you leave according to your plans. Check in to be sure he picked them up at 7:00.

I can’t imagine getting a sitter for an hour or two for 10 and 12 year olds.

My ex is the same though our court order only started 6 months ago,he has broken it numerous times,some minor some not so minor, he too cheated & is now with ow & they have gone on to have 2 kids in the 2 years since we ended,but anyway he is forever changing times etc he's meant to pick up at 6 Friday back at 6 Saturday (his choice in court) at my house, we do earlier though usually 4 15 which I agreed with, but he's been cancelling a lot esp since the new baby came,it's been 5 weeks since they went overnight,he takes them for a few hours then back(suits my son as he doesn't like it there), last Friday he gave 2 hours notice (CO states 24 hours unless an emergency) as he was working a bit later (pays no maintenance though,I've to go back to court for that I'm in Ireland) & I just said yeah it's fine because I'm not arguing with him to take his time with them,I had no out plans just stuff I was doing in the house,he also drops them back willy nilly no regards to if I'm home or not,I ask him at pick up & he's always vague like he'll say after 4 so that's not really helpful, I'm going to ask him this week to text me before he comes back as I'm going out this week so I can be back see if that changes it, hes not allowed contact me during the week as OW doesnt like it even though when it was happening it was all about the kids & if he said anything not to do with them I ignored it,she knows he's a cheat so is paranoid that apparently I'm gonna lure him back,no thank you 🤣

I think I would ask them, and say DFs plans have been complicated so he can’t pick you up until late, do you prefer to go late Friday or would you like me to ask him to come Saturday morning instead.
If they want up go late leave them at home if they are sensible kids and get one to text or call when exDH arrives.
if they prefer to delay until Saturday you’ll just have to explain it’s their choice.

if OP has plans, then the obvious answer is babysitter who orders pizza and exH collects on Fri evening. If that's too much - babysitter for longer and exH collects them Saturday morning.

or he skips a week. I notice that DH (to be fair it is not his problem) is also suggesting a plan that inconveniences OP)

Where's she getting a babysitter from at such short notice?

I can't imagine her social plans start much before 7 on a Friday so I don't see why she can't just leave the kids for half an hour if they're sensible.

I actually think this issue goes much deeper.

He lives 2.5 hours away. Why? Did he move away? Why do they have to endure a 5-hour round trip to his house?

His affair partner doesn't help out when they are there and won't even feed them? Their useless piece of crap dad can't even pick them up on time, even though he has dropped a bomb on his family and broke it up, and subjects your DC to the women he did it with.

Why are you so scared of him? Every time he is late tell him you will take legal advice as he is upsetting your DC and disrupting your family and causing stress and anxiety.

I would not accommodate him at all.

If the kids stay with you does that mean you need a babysitter so you can go out? If so, and you have a reliable baby sitter, do that.

Your Ex needs to get his act together. He knows he will be working late way before he tells you - lost a Venice trip, wtf! I can't quite believe you've been running around at his behest all these years. I also can't believe he is with someone who cares nothing for his kids. How Fd up is that?

Anyways, just stop running around after him. If he can't get the kids until Sat, then that's when he comes for them.

One thing I really wouldn’t do is drop them off. It doesn’t help you as you’d be back home 7:30 anyway so still late for your evening plans. Then they cry after being around SM so I wouldn’t be happy to willingly leave my DC with her from 5pm alone. Those suggesting frozen pizza etc - who is to say she would let them use the oven or even access the kitchen? Some people would be strange about that and she sounds like she has issues with DC already so I wouldn’t put my children in that position.

It sucks but I’d keep them home until he collects then join evening plans later (if possible eg a meal out) or if not possible (eg going to theatre or gig with a specific start time) I would arrange a babysitter for them. Ideally one who will hand over to dad at 7 OR stay with them until you are home if he is a no show.

Or just tell him that it doesn’t work for you to DC and unless he can collect at 5pm they will not be available then make arrangements for them as you’d normally for going out (going to friend sleepover or family etc).

Can the kids not be left are your house for a couple of hours by themselves and eat dinner at yours? Maybe a neighbour they can call on in an emergency. At 10/12 we used to be left on our own in the evening, though my child is younger and perhaps it isn't the norm any more. It would be more comfortable for the kids to watch TV, play games and use their own stuff rather than waiting for him with a step-mum they don't like.

The 12 year old is definitely old enough to be asked - though no-one but you and other adults around them know if they are mature enough to be listened to.

The 10 year old maybe.

I know kids - now older/young adults - who refused to see their other parent after aged 10-13 due to the way they were treated on their visits to them when younger. With 2 kids the parent waited until the younger one was 11. With more kids it was each kid individually. The parent they live with would have liked them to continue to see their other parent for a variety of reasons.

Also don't take him to Court if it isn't Court ordered let him take you. Due to the backlogs by the time he bothers both kids will be old enough to have their voices heard.

I would have thought so too. I wouldn’t leave a 10 year old but the 2 children together should be ok, unless they fight or there is another issue. Failing that the suggestion upthread for him to pick them up from wherever you are sounds good. As for food, could you cook pizza and they eat it cold with other bits and bobs? Or salad / pasta salad etc?

At 10 and 12, yes, they are definitely old enough to be asked.

Could they be left for a couple of hours?

Could you join the social even late?

Would your husband also go late with you?

We have this sometimes. If we have plans I either get someone to sit with the kids until he is free or get someone else to drop them so we don't ruin our plans. It happens less these days and I just can't be arsed to argue, I do use as leverage sometimes though if we need to shuffle plans slightly.

I would never send my kids away to be with people who they don’t get on with. Not safe.

Very frustrating and sounds like a recurring pattern that's unlikely to change.
As the saying goes you can't control people's actions ,just your reaction to it- Hard as it is ,so I can see where DH is coming from.
I wouldn't do a 5 hour round trip to drop them off, particularly to a stepmum they don't like.
Their welfare has to come first.
So either a babysitter, a taxi ( at his expense) or you change your plans and hope you can regain some of your evening by getting ready so you can leave as soon as they are picked up.
If it doesn't harm the kids and he refuses to take responsibility for them by 5.30 by paying babysitter or taxi I would also ask him to drop them later to yours on Sunday.
But ultimately the kids welfare has to come first.
I think within the next couple of years they may well decide they dont want to go to dad's eow.
I do wonder whether working late on Friday is genuine or drinks after work??!!
Just be glad you're shot of him and now have a lovely DH . As DC get older you will have less to do with him.

So the late pick up is due to his work - if this is true, the question is has he known for ages and just dropped it on you now? I get your frustrated as he sounds a dick, but is this a genuine problem for him?. Work...is work and if he can't change it then telling him to suck it up isn't going to work.

The Step Mum sounds a peach. That's a major issue, she ought to be happy to look after the kids for a few hours to facilitate his contact. So there's a problem there and yes I suspect the kids will start to ask not to go, especially as the drive is a nightmare. I bet you've got maybe 2 more years of this before the kids are just busy with their own stuff at weekends, or just don't want to go. The distance means they can't do clubs/sports/see their friends so it's really not going to be long term. I suspect if we wants to see them he'll have to drive down and fit in around their plans soon.

So from now on, if I were you, I'd assume his pick up nights were going to be a pain and try to avoid having plans on those nights, or have a babysitter lined up. yes it's a waste to have to pay a sitter if you cancel them but if the evening is important enough then that's what I'd do. A lot of your post is about his past terrible behaviour, and while it's hard to separate it all out it's easier on you if you can just focus on the pick up issues without reliving the anger over his affair and general shittiness.

They could have their main meal midday, and take sandwiches for ‘tea’?

But I don’t understand why your ex won’t be home until 9.30 - 10. If he had planned to pick them up just after 7, presumably he had finished work then. Or does he work near your house so has a long commute?

Just drop the rope. He makes and sticks to his plans or he finds solutions. He is flakey and relies on you. Just drop the rope.

Option 1 (YABU): suck it up once again, and either let ExH pick up late, or drop the kids off to their stepmum who has made it clear she’s not making food for them.
This, but don't give them their supper at 3pm - pack something for them, or collect a takeaway on the way.

Or - Option Take Back Control -
PP - yes, I can’t imagine it will be long DC choose not to go anymore. They both often come home in tears, and although many backward/ forwards conversations with them and their dad, they still haven’t said they want to stop going YET
Text him that he should be putting his children first, but as he cannot even manage to be consistent for them twice a month, & they often come back upset from seeing him, that he can apply to family court if he wants to see them.

Mean it, stick to it, & never rely on him again.