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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH agrees with ExH

189 replies

TAmum3 · 13/04/2023 23:40

So to cut a long story short, ExH has our 2 children every other weekend - pick up is usually 5/5:30pm on Friday and Sunday drop back similar. This has been consistent for about 2yrs now, however before that it would fluctuate massive ie sat am pick up, sun am drop off - all depending on ExH schedule and what worked for him. To the point where we (me and DH) had to cancel a Venice weekend trip, numerous dinner/ friends plans etc all cancelled last minute.

ExH puts all shit on us, as his partner (who he had an affair with and subsequently caused our divorce) won’t help out at all.

Tomorrow is ExH weekend but has now messaged to say he can’t pick up until gone 7pm (then a 2.5 hour journey to his house) as he’s working late. I asked to keep plans the same as usual, as I have arrangements. He said I can drop to his partner after 5pm, provided I give them dinner. This means I’ll have to give them dinner at 3pm instead of their usual 6pm (kids are 10 &12), and I’ll still have a really long round trip. He won’t be home until 9:30/10 ish, and they don’t get on well with stepmum due to too many issues to go in to right now.

DH thinks for the sake of ExH picking up a couple of hours later, it’s not worth the argument, and that he has to work so I should be more accommodating, but I’m sick of always having no choice but to be accommodating to ExH when it’s all one sided! DH also agrees with my side but just thinks it’s a hopeless case, and can’t be bothered with the backwards/ forwards after 8 years of this. DH will still go ahead with our social plans for the evening, so doesn’t change his life.

what would you do?

Option 1 (YABU): suck it up once again, and either let ExH pick up late, or drop the kids off to their stepmum who has made it clear she’s not making food for them.

Option 2 (YANBU): keep the kids with me and if ExH can fit them in to his busy schedule at another time ie Saturday morning, then he can see them then?

or any other options I haven’t thought of?!

Just to add, he doesn’t do any extra time in school holidays, it’s always just the every other weekend, he does pay CMO maintenance payments but won’t contribute anything else financially on top ie school trips/ uniform etc.
Either way, another weekend of me cancelling my plans to suit him 🙄. It’s 2 work days a month that I expect him to be able to get to his kids at the same time, I’ve spent my entire life/ career fitting around our children and making it work, it just pisses me off!

OP posts:
potatowhale · 14/04/2023 07:01

sevenbyseven · 14/04/2023 06:39

"dropping them with the stepmother" is a 5-hour return trip though!

Show quote history

Then she doesnt bother.

Take the drama out of it. Say no sorry sticking to normal pattern so if that doesn't work shall I tell them you'll see them in two weeks or shall you?

Drywhitefruitycidergin · 14/04/2023 07:01

Are they a sensible enough 10 & 12 to stay home alone watching TV/gaming til ex picks them up? Ie phone for emergencies/key to lock the door when they leave etc.
And/or what time are you actually going out?
Who moved 2 5hrs away? Onus on that party to do the travelling imo

GoodChat · 14/04/2023 07:02

Either get them a maccies on the way there and drop them early, or let him pick them up later. What time do your evening plans start?

Ithurtsthebackofmyeyes · 14/04/2023 07:05

Another man who cheated on his wife and family, caused the breakdown, shacked up with the other woman who dislikes his kids, consistently fails to spend time with them properly and is so aggressive and confrontational, the woman he originally treated like total shit is still having to pussyfoot around him so that she doesn’t anger him.

Sorry, OP. I have nothing useful to add, just to say I hear you and I can see how awful your situation is.

Is it court ordered contact?

marcopront · 14/04/2023 07:07

@TAmum3

DH also agrees with my side but just thinks it’s a hopeless case, and can’t be bothered with the backwards/ forwards after 8 years of this. DH will still go ahead with our social plans for the evening, so doesn’t change his life.

How about you carry on with the social plans for the evening and DH stays at home with the kids until ExH comes to collect them?

BibbleandSqwauk · 14/04/2023 07:09

I don't think it's necessarily as simple as "who moved"? in terms of the travelling. IF the nrp was only doing eow anyway and has no interest in doing more, then the RP should not have to remain nailed to a spot for 18 years to facilitate that minimal pretence at parenting and will be doing basically all of the parenting 26/30 days so the nrp travelling for their minimal contact isn't unreasonable. If it's eow only because of the move or the nrp moved that would change things.
OP in this instance, for two hours I would say let him come at 7 but if you can, proceed with whatever your plans were unaltered.

Mirabai · 14/04/2023 07:10

PixiePirate · 14/04/2023 06:57

Cut off the oxygen supply to all his drama. Children home alone with a snack until he picks them up at 7pm or he skips his contact entirely and he takes full responsibility and future implications of that. You’re not his support human anymore. Yes it’s shit for the children but you can only control your reaction to the situation.

This.

potatowhale · 14/04/2023 07:17

marcopront · 14/04/2023 07:07

@TAmum3

DH also agrees with my side but just thinks it’s a hopeless case, and can’t be bothered with the backwards/ forwards after 8 years of this. DH will still go ahead with our social plans for the evening, so doesn’t change his life.

How about you carry on with the social plans for the evening and DH stays at home with the kids until ExH comes to collect them?

Why should DH do that? They aren't his kids. Their own dad doesn't even want them.

Doingmybest12 · 14/04/2023 07:19

Arranging baby sitter sounds like good plan and he collects or say give it a miss see you in 2 weeks with no further negotiation.

Murdoch1949 · 14/04/2023 07:27

What would your children prefer to happen? They are old enough to have an opinion and understand the difficulties.

horridjobescapee · 14/04/2023 07:28

To be fair I can't see what the step mum is doing wrong from what you've described. I wouldn't be available for a partner to have contact either in the situation you describe where he has been flaky and unreliable. If I was the stepmum I'd be totally hands off with facilitating his contact if I was her.

If I was you, I'd go ahead with your plans and give the kids something easy for tea that is no stress for you. They're 10 and 12 - what time do your plans start? Surely they wouldn't be on their own for any longer than a couple of hours?

Clarinet1 · 14/04/2023 07:28

3 is very early for dinner. I’d go for either getting them something to eat at Ex’s or leaving them home for a couple of hours. DB and I (similar age gap) would have been OK (and did it quite a bit) at that kind of age. As PP has said, drill them on (maybe write down) emergency numbers and safety precautions, perhaps check a reliable neighbour will be in just in case they need help.

Meandfour · 14/04/2023 07:30

Pixiedust1234 · 13/04/2023 23:46

Option 3. ExH sticks to the original plans or doesn't have the children. Its down to him to sort things out, not you.

What do the children think of travelling at that time? Are they getting annoyed at all the chopping and changing? It won't be long before the first one is of an age to refuse all contact.

OP has said nothing to suggest either of the children wish to completely stop contact with their dad so that’s some reach you’ve made!

BibbleandSqwauk · 14/04/2023 07:34

@Meandfour the op has said they often come home in tears and that the stepmum isn't great with them. Mine are similar ages and starting to decline contact ..very similar circumstances actually. They just feel their dad doesn't know them, that they fit into his life not the other way round and that his priorities leave them some way down the list. Hard to avoid that when contact is so minimal really.

Thirdsummerofourdiscontent · 14/04/2023 07:38

Personally I would not drop them anywhere- it will become expected. It would be cheaper considering fuel to pay someone to sit with them. Tell him if he’s not there by 7 the sitter will be dropping them to you and he can pick up next day.

BoneBrothByDayDonutByNight · 14/04/2023 07:40

My DH’s ex pulls this shit all the time.

Personally, I wouldn’t drop them but I would arrange a sitter/modify plans so he has the inconvenience.

I get your DH too, but I wouldn’t facilitate the ex here.

MeridianB · 14/04/2023 07:43

I agree this is as much about his desire to control and disrupt as it is about his abject laziness and selfishness.

For tonight I’d get a babysitter/friend/school mum/neighbour to help and let him contact you to make arrangements, and make the 2.5 drive to collect.

In terms of longer term, I’d be really interested to know what quality 1:1 and 1:2 time this loser spends with his children when they are with him. Ask them what they did during the last few visits and if they ever spend time with him without the stepmother or others.

Because 5 hours of travel for a weekend with no quality time is pretty pointless for your DC.

AdeIe · 14/04/2023 07:45

Do you have plans after their 5pm expected pick up time? If so, book a babysitter (even if you think they are old enough and don't need it) and tell him the babysitter will need paying when he gets there.

Is it an agreement where its always been said he will get them at 5pm or he will get them Fri eve? And has usually just came at 5pm? I think the specifics matter here, if it has been spoken and said 5pm and now he's changing with no notice he's wrong. If it was said Friday eve and he usually comes at 5pm but now it's going to be 7:30pm he's not really wrong, it's still Friday evening.

Ellie56 · 14/04/2023 07:47

In terms of longer term, I’d be really interested to know what quality 1:1 and 1:2 time this loser spends with his children when they are with him. Ask them what they did during the last few visits and if they ever spend time with him without the stepmother or others.

Because 5 hours of travel for a weekend with no quality time is pretty pointless for your DC.

This is a valid point as it obviously isn't great if the kids often come home in tears. What a shit dad they have. Poor kids.

HowcanIgetoutofthisalive · 14/04/2023 07:50

They're old enough to have a conversation with so explain what their dad has said and ask them what they'd rather do. I'd hate the thought of sending my kids off to someone who didn't like or want them around just so I could do whatever it was I would have been stopped from doing just because ex was being a knob - but that's me!

I would probably keep kids until his next weekend rolls around but in the meantime, get the agreement changed so that he HAS to pick up the kids from school on a Friday (as another PP suggests).

Why do some parents (and it is usually men) believe that the whole fucking world revolves around their 'oh so bloody important' lives?!?!

Bagatella · 14/04/2023 07:52

Because my ex was/is such a tosser, always messing me (and obv kids around) I changed it - when it's his weekend he picks up at school friday and drops off at school Monday morning. If he can't do it, he has to organize something. Stopped me being bloody fallback plan when he wouldn't/couldn't sort his shit out. Much better for the kids too

Dixiechickonhols · 14/04/2023 07:52

Unless there’s additional needs I’d leave a 10 and 12 yr old for 2 hours on a Fri until he picks them up.
If not ok to be left then is there a local teen babysitter who would sit with them for 2 hours.
They will soon get fed up of his ways as teens.

Weallgottachangesometime · 14/04/2023 07:52

I wouldn’t drop them off with step mum as a) you’ve said there are issues there so why make them stay with someone who isn’t bothered about them and b)if it’s a long drive it just puts you out.

If they are 10 and 12 are they not ok at home for 2 hours? Maybe if you have a friendly neighbour you could ask if they can pop around if there are any issues? Presumably the older one has a phone to contact you if they need anything?

failing that then I agree with the baby sitter idea. Tell Ex that you have plans that you cannot change, however you can arrange a babysitter if he can pay for it. (Maybe just tell the babysitter you will arrange payment if he does not).

Daffodilwoman · 14/04/2023 07:53

Op you ex is a prick.
I agree with stopping facilitating his dickish behaviour.
Still go out and either get a babysitter or leave the dcs alone until he gets there. If you get a babysitter tell him he has to pay and say you have told the babysitter this.
If he kicks up a fuss stop contact.
Personally I think in your circumstances it’s probably best for the dcs not to be in that environment where the OW obviously dislikes them and their own father doesn’t seem to care for them either.
Stop playing to his tune.

Youcancallmeirrelevant · 14/04/2023 07:54

At 10 and 12 i would just leave at home for the couple of hours you and your partner are out before their dad picks them up at 7pm. Give them some food before you go out. Or get a babysitter if you aren't leaving them on their own yet

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