DH agrees with ExH

[TAmum3]

So to cut a long story short, ExH has our 2 children every other weekend - pick up is usually 5/5:30pm on Friday and Sunday drop back similar. This has been consistent for about 2yrs now, however before that it would fluctuate massive ie sat am pick up, sun am drop off - all depending on ExH schedule and what worked for him. To the point where we (me and DH) had to cancel a Venice weekend trip, numerous dinner/ friends plans etc all cancelled last minute.

ExH puts all shit on us, as his partner (who he had an affair with and subsequently caused our divorce) won’t help out at all.

Tomorrow is ExH weekend but has now messaged to say he can’t pick up until gone 7pm (then a 2.5 hour journey to his house) as he’s working late. I asked to keep plans the same as usual, as I have arrangements. He said I can drop to his partner after 5pm, provided I give them dinner. This means I’ll have to give them dinner at 3pm instead of their usual 6pm (kids are 10 &12), and I’ll still have a really long round trip. He won’t be home until 9:30/10 ish, and they don’t get on well with stepmum due to too many issues to go in to right now.

DH thinks for the sake of ExH picking up a couple of hours later, it’s not worth the argument, and that he has to work so I should be more accommodating, but I’m sick of always having no choice but to be accommodating to ExH when it’s all one sided! DH also agrees with my side but just thinks it’s a hopeless case, and can’t be bothered with the backwards/ forwards after 8 years of this. DH will still go ahead with our social plans for the evening, so doesn’t change his life.

what would you do?

Option 1 (YABU): suck it up once again, and either let ExH pick up late, or drop the kids off to their stepmum who has made it clear she’s not making food for them.

Option 2 (YANBU): keep the kids with me and if ExH can fit them in to his busy schedule at another time ie Saturday morning, then he can see them then?

or any other options I haven’t thought of?!

Just to add, he doesn’t do any extra time in school holidays, it’s always just the every other weekend, he does pay CMO maintenance payments but won’t contribute anything else financially on top ie school trips/ uniform etc.
Either way, another weekend of me cancelling my plans to suit him 🙄. It’s 2 work days a month that I expect him to be able to get to his kids at the same time, I’ve spent my entire life/ career fitting around our children and making it work, it just pisses me off!

Amazed by all the people thinking you should just leave two under 12s home alone for a couple of hours so you can go out!

Have I got this right? You're cross that your ex has screwed up your plans for the weekend, and your main practical objection to the altetnative plan is that dropping DCs off would mean you'd have to feed them at a ridiculous time (fair point)?

But it's seems to me that's not really the issue. If your ex is a 2½ hour drive away, dropping them off after 5 means you'd not get back until 7.30, and your ex would be able to pick them up at 7. So it's a no-brainer, isn't it? Have your ex pick them up at 7...

You also say that for the last two years your ex has consistently picked them up between 5-5.30, but that prior to that he mucked you about with pick-up times. So on present form this sounds like a one-off - annoying, but not typical of his current behaviour.

I may have totally misread the situation, but I'm just wondering whether the real issue is residual bitterness towards your ex, and that's what's really p'ing you off (I get it - I've been there too). Is the real issue that you object to him being a feature in your life at all (you speak about the possibility of your DCs eventually not wanting to go there - is that really what you want)?

Really, really difficult when you're stuck in the middle of it, but the ideal situation would be for you both to accommodate each other - give and take. It seems like quite a confrontational setup at the moment and ultimately it's the DCs who will suffer the most. He may be a bad ex husband, but he doesn't sound like a bad father. They have a right to a relationship with their father. If the current setup doesn't faciltate that and they do end up cutting out the visits, there's a good chance that relationship will be rekindled when they're adults, and that they will have regrets about the lost years. Worst case scenario, that might backfire on you.

Make their supper and pay a sitter to sit with them until he picks them up. Tell him the sitter will be expected to be paid by him because you cannot pay because you don't know what time the children will be collected.

OP I could have written this. I have set out that all changes must be in writing and at least 2 weeks in advance, and each change would be considered and then an answer given as to whether I could accommodate, as he was doing this to me all the time. Emergencies are obviously different but working late is not an emergency. He just has to tell his work he can't as he has his children. Since this my ExH has mostly stuck to it.

What type of job is he in that he can't say he has parental responsibilities so is unable to work late at short notice?

I wouldn't be doing a five hour round trip and would probably suggest pick up at 7 on this occasion or pick up Saturday morning, but next time you expect the normal routine to resume due to the impact to your plans on his scheduled weekends.

If you haven't already, speak to your children to find out why they are coming home in tears.

Talk to your solicitor. I'm assuming that there is a formal arrangement through the court which he is breaching. A letter may remind him of his legal obligations or you can change them.

Are they excited to go to dads? Does he do anything with them or do they just watch TV or play video games? Would he be interested in changing the arrangement for everyone's sake to maybe one weekend a month? His schedule lacks flexibility (or he lacks commitment), his wife appears not to want to be bothered, and they come home crying. Those poor kids; a 5 hour journey every other weekend to a place they don't sound totally welcome, so once a month might work better for everyone.

Otherwise, feed your DC and tell him to pick them up when he finishes work. They can dose in the car or entertain themselves. If you don't drive them, which I sure as hell wouldn't, he'd have a 2 1/2 hour return trip on Sat if he wants them.

The kids can’t have dinner at 3pm, don’t be silly. I sometimes don’t even have lunch until then! Is there a train they can get to their dad’s house? My son used to get the train alone for two hours at the age of 12, I appreciate the younger one is 10 but is the older one OK to keep an eye on him/her? Otherwise dad will have to wait until later/the next day.

Did you notice what day this was posted?

Quite apart from.the time being long past - why should she send kids on the train instead of leaving them at home for him to collect later? They are clearly safer at home with toys and TV than on a train with strangers and the ability to get lost.

I realise this is a mums forum but you may find a male perspective useful.

Firstly, your ex is being a knob, as regardless of what issues he may have with you, kids need routine and if he has conceived them he has a lifelong commitment to them regardless of where he he's getting laid now. Even red pill community would say this so rest assured this is unacceptable behaviour by ex.

Secondly, I got advice from a very good professional child psychologist I saw a few years ago and her advice was invaluable. Basically she said there is no right or wrong to post split arrangements aside from avoiding / reducing conflict for the kids wherever you can. The trouble is that one party can exploit that to the disadvantage of the other, as your ex is doing. This causes you a big issue if your DH is not tolerant of having his plans changed. However he sounds like a good bloke who is happy to tolerate the behaviour of your ex for the sake of not exposing your kids to conflict.

So I would suggest work out what creates least conflict in the lives of your kids - whatever that is - frankly only you will know that. Be very pleased your DH is OK with supporting you in doing whatever it takes and show him you really appreciate that.

Your kids will work it out as they get older, but you will have the satisfaction of knowing that you did the right thing.

As much as I sympathise with you, there isn’t much you can do about is there??
Us as the main carers do have to ‘suck it up’ to a certain degree….. if the dad says I’m gonna be late, I’m gonna drop them back early or I need to cancel all-together, we are pretty much powerless to do anything about it… we can’t say ‘no you have to collect at the agreed time, because if they can’t then they wont…. If they drop back early, our only option would be to not be there and Dad look shitty for dropping kids home where there was no adult to let them in…… however Dad would only tell kids it was us that was the shorty parent for not being home at the time he’d specified they’d be dropped off!
in your situation I’d have organised alternative childcare for you to be able to go out and tell him he can’t feed them that late or expect you to leave them with a woman who refuses to do any form of childcare (such as cooking for them!) I’d tell him he can either collect Saturday am or forget the weekend all together!

I wouldn’t be feeling sad for yourself and your plans, I’d be sad for the impact this has on your children…. the fact that your children can see that their dad can’t plan his time around 48 hours a fortnight… can’t prioritise them for 2 Fridays a month! Pretty sad really!! At some point the kids will undoubtedly not bother to visit their dad at all!

At 9 & 12 you should 100% be asking them what they’d like to do! They have a right to chose if they want to be left alone with their wicked step mother

Either the babysitter. Jolly good idea, or come Saturday for them, or skip the weekend altogether, talk to the kids first to see how they feel about skipping the weekend. Do not stay in for him.
Make sure the babysitter knows to get paid by him..