DH agrees with ExH

[TAmum3]

So to cut a long story short, ExH has our 2 children every other weekend - pick up is usually 5/5:30pm on Friday and Sunday drop back similar. This has been consistent for about 2yrs now, however before that it would fluctuate massive ie sat am pick up, sun am drop off - all depending on ExH schedule and what worked for him. To the point where we (me and DH) had to cancel a Venice weekend trip, numerous dinner/ friends plans etc all cancelled last minute.

ExH puts all shit on us, as his partner (who he had an affair with and subsequently caused our divorce) won’t help out at all.

Tomorrow is ExH weekend but has now messaged to say he can’t pick up until gone 7pm (then a 2.5 hour journey to his house) as he’s working late. I asked to keep plans the same as usual, as I have arrangements. He said I can drop to his partner after 5pm, provided I give them dinner. This means I’ll have to give them dinner at 3pm instead of their usual 6pm (kids are 10 &12), and I’ll still have a really long round trip. He won’t be home until 9:30/10 ish, and they don’t get on well with stepmum due to too many issues to go in to right now.

DH thinks for the sake of ExH picking up a couple of hours later, it’s not worth the argument, and that he has to work so I should be more accommodating, but I’m sick of always having no choice but to be accommodating to ExH when it’s all one sided! DH also agrees with my side but just thinks it’s a hopeless case, and can’t be bothered with the backwards/ forwards after 8 years of this. DH will still go ahead with our social plans for the evening, so doesn’t change his life.

what would you do?

Option 1 (YABU): suck it up once again, and either let ExH pick up late, or drop the kids off to their stepmum who has made it clear she’s not making food for them.

Option 2 (YANBU): keep the kids with me and if ExH can fit them in to his busy schedule at another time ie Saturday morning, then he can see them then?

or any other options I haven’t thought of?!

Just to add, he doesn’t do any extra time in school holidays, it’s always just the every other weekend, he does pay CMO maintenance payments but won’t contribute anything else financially on top ie school trips/ uniform etc.
Either way, another weekend of me cancelling my plans to suit him 🙄. It’s 2 work days a month that I expect him to be able to get to his kids at the same time, I’ve spent my entire life/ career fitting around our children and making it work, it just pisses me off!

Hi Julie

You knowingly had an affair with a married father, "won" him away from his wife & childre(what a prize) & now reckon it's not your job to even ensure they are fed when your flaky man refuses to be consistent around their needs & his contact time.

You chose a man with kids.
You have no grounds to be telling anyone to fuck off.

@KettrickenSmiled those kids aren't my responsibility.

Talk to their father.

Love

Julie.

YABU

You say he’s been consistent for 2 years and so just this once I’d let him pick them up later/drop off at his.

It may be that it’s a genuine reason but it also means you’re not making things easy for him.

I think if you change it to Saturday then it’s going to become a regular thing.

I’d do it this once and then see if it happens again, if it does then you can reevaluate.

I’m all for step parents not doing the parents job but getting in a relationship with someone with kids does mean you will be involved in childcare and I think it’s rubbish she don’t watch them for a couple of hours to make her partners life easier.

Julie shouldn’t have got with a man, who has children if she thought it’s ok to ignore them, especially as she was the affair partner. It’s incredibly narcissistic. Children have zero choices. Adults otoh do.

This is a good idea and has the least impact on you or the DCs.

Feed your DCs and leave then for their dad to pick them up.

It will be 2 hours max and probably a lot less than that.

I'm with my partner. I take nothing to do with his arrangements for contact. That's his responsibility 💯

He has to be around for his kids. I'll feed them if I'm feeding myself but I don't take to do with going to collect or drop them off. And I don't feed them unless it suits the times I'm eating.

For the record I didn't have an affair.

horridjobescapes - would appear to understand the SM point of view in this scenario rather too well!

I agree SPs are not responsible for the SDCS but seriously who sits in their home and refuses to do anything for the other members of the family. And we wonder why SPs get a bad name.

And yes I am a wronged EXW and now an SM - but not the OW - would never sink that low or have such a ow opinion of my self to behave like that.

He is working. Offer him next weekend instead. I know you don't want to because it interferes with your child free weekend but your children shouldn't miss out seeing their dad because you want to have a weekend to yourself and forcing them on their stepmother who rightly or wrongly isn't a babysitter is not your call or making your children go there so late on Friday is not what is best for them. Stepmother has said she will watch them just won't feed them, maybe many reasons why. So if your going to drop them there feed them beforehand and give them snacks to eat while they wait for their dad and then he can give them something else when he gets home.

If he doesn't take you up on the offer then you can hold your hands up and honestly say to yourself and your children that he is working he's been giving flexibility for next week.

It's a shit situation but you have ti make the best of it for you sanity and for your children's relationship with their dad

I don't ask my partner to have anything to do with my kids.

Mine are adults his are 16 and 18.

I deliberately wouldn't have dated someone with primary aged kids because I wasn't interested and am not interested in parenting someone else's children. I've enough to do having parented my own.

It's up to their father - my partner - to organise contact. It's not my job to facilitate an inadequate man. (For the record - my OH organises it all, he's never late, he's reliable and he takes to do with his kids when they're here with things like activities).

If I'm doing laundry I'll ask if they have laundry to be done and if I'm cooking I'll cook for them but tbh my oh cooks when his kids are here and he does the relevant grocery shopping or adds to the online order as appropriate.

If my oh had been an inadequate parent I wouldn't be with him. And I made it very clear to him exactly where my boundaries were and told him if he didn't like that then I wasn't the woman for him.

I’d let him collect late and feed the kids before hand. Could you push your plans back slightly? Or could the kids be left for a few hours without you? I’d also gently ask the eldest if they’re happy going to their dad’s and go from there.

I think it would depend on the 10 year old if I would leave them - and if they are not then baby sitter is only option I think you have.

It’s 2 work days a month that I expect him to be able to get to his kids at the same time, I’ve spent my entire life/ career fitting around our children and making it work, it just pisses me off!

I get this but it won't be that much longer they can be left - if they can't now or get to the point they are not bothered about seeing him - oddly though this always seems to come as a shock to the men involved.

Instead of collecting at 5.30pm, he's collecting at 7pm-ish? Does this mean you need to cancel your plans (eg it's a theatre show that starts at 7pm) or that you need to adjust them (eg you'll meet your friends in the pub at 7pm instead of 6pm)?
I wouldn't drive 2 hours to drop them off (so a 4 hr round trip?!) with someone who was the OW and won't feed them. Yy your ex is being difficult but ultimately I'd be keeping the DCs at home until he collected them or tell him he can collect on Sat morning instead because you're arranging a babysitter for DCs and you're going out as originally planned.

Amazing, yes it's all Julie's fault, that poor man that had no control over his destiny, look what that witch did to him 😂have we HONESTLY not moved on from this goddamn mindset?! And just to preempt, I am not, nor have I EVER been the other woman, cheaters are disgusting human beings. What I do know, is if my partner cheats on me, he's a tw@. End of. I'm not hunting down the other woman to make her take care of my kids to prove a point on the matter.

She'd not be making his life easier, she'd be making OPs life easier so she can go out drinking.

@potatowhale

Why should DH do that? They aren't his kids. Their own dad doesn't even want them.

DH thinks that the OP should allow this and alter her plans while he carries on as normal.

Julie

The kids' father is only slightly better than you at considering his children's needs & wellbeing.
You & your neglectful, family-busting partner deserve each other.

PS He's cheating on you, too. You just haven't found out yet.

Don't drop them off, that would be a 5 hour round trip, and no advantage to you or DC.
What were your plans - can you either adjust them ( eg meet friends a bit later) or get a babysitter?

Well he should butt out and just go to the social plans by himself.

@KettrickenSmiled I have never cheated on anyone in my life.

However, it's not my job to enable an inadequate man. Why anyone would think it is is beyond me.

If my partner was the op's ex I wouldn't be with him. I also wouldn't have cheated in the first place. The responsibility for this sits with him, not any of the women in the scenario.

😂Why do you imagine I am only capable of blaming one of this pair?

Looking after the kids isn't "making a point", it's being concerned about the kids being around somebody who is too unpleasant to even feed them once in 8 years, & in a house they regularly come home upset from.

A casual acquaintance would be kinder to those kids than "Julie" is.
She chose to embark on an affair with a married man, she is part of the reason for the split. That doesn't prevent me from blaming OP's ex entirely for the shitshow he has made of his parenting since he chose to leave his children.

I wouldn't look after my partners kids for him in this situation. It's up to him to organise his work so that he can collect his children and if he can't do that it's up to him to organise and source alternatives.

I'm not childcare for him.

I set that boundary when I went through my ex doing exactly this to me - and I was determined I wouldn't be with a man who did the same.

A casual acquaintance probably doesn't have a load of vitriol coming her way from the mother. We have no idea about the relationship dynamics here, whether OP has ever made it awkward for the step mum to be around the kids or made any accusations. So let's not make assumptions when we have very little information other than a rather one sided post that has been made off the back of one late pick up in two years that is interrupting drinking plans.

Of course she’d be making his life easier.

Her having the children for a couple of hours means he can come straight back from work instead of driving hours to go and get them and dealing with tired kids and an annoyed OP.
(OP is putting herself at as disadvantage by having to do the driving for him.)

It also means he sticks to his contact agreement and he doesn’t have to end up in court.

If this also means it that it works in OP’s favour so she can go out and get pissed then it’s a win-win.