DH agrees with ExH

[TAmum3]

So to cut a long story short, ExH has our 2 children every other weekend - pick up is usually 5/5:30pm on Friday and Sunday drop back similar. This has been consistent for about 2yrs now, however before that it would fluctuate massive ie sat am pick up, sun am drop off - all depending on ExH schedule and what worked for him. To the point where we (me and DH) had to cancel a Venice weekend trip, numerous dinner/ friends plans etc all cancelled last minute.

ExH puts all shit on us, as his partner (who he had an affair with and subsequently caused our divorce) won’t help out at all.

Tomorrow is ExH weekend but has now messaged to say he can’t pick up until gone 7pm (then a 2.5 hour journey to his house) as he’s working late. I asked to keep plans the same as usual, as I have arrangements. He said I can drop to his partner after 5pm, provided I give them dinner. This means I’ll have to give them dinner at 3pm instead of their usual 6pm (kids are 10 &12), and I’ll still have a really long round trip. He won’t be home until 9:30/10 ish, and they don’t get on well with stepmum due to too many issues to go in to right now.

DH thinks for the sake of ExH picking up a couple of hours later, it’s not worth the argument, and that he has to work so I should be more accommodating, but I’m sick of always having no choice but to be accommodating to ExH when it’s all one sided! DH also agrees with my side but just thinks it’s a hopeless case, and can’t be bothered with the backwards/ forwards after 8 years of this. DH will still go ahead with our social plans for the evening, so doesn’t change his life.

what would you do?

Option 1 (YABU): suck it up once again, and either let ExH pick up late, or drop the kids off to their stepmum who has made it clear she’s not making food for them.

Option 2 (YANBU): keep the kids with me and if ExH can fit them in to his busy schedule at another time ie Saturday morning, then he can see them then?

or any other options I haven’t thought of?!

Just to add, he doesn’t do any extra time in school holidays, it’s always just the every other weekend, he does pay CMO maintenance payments but won’t contribute anything else financially on top ie school trips/ uniform etc.
Either way, another weekend of me cancelling my plans to suit him 🙄. It’s 2 work days a month that I expect him to be able to get to his kids at the same time, I’ve spent my entire life/ career fitting around our children and making it work, it just pisses me off!

This doesn't really work when you are reliant on the ex aiming to pick the children up as they just won't show. Equally you can't just drop the children off as the fall out isn't fair on the children. It's difficult.

That would be great, but how?

If the ex isn't there to pick up his DC, OP has no option but to either look after them herself, or footle about with his ridiculous 'solutions' ie feed them at 3pm because ex's partner won't.

It takes a special kind of woman to shag a married man, conspire with him to break up his family, then refuse to do a single small thing for his children twice a month to make their lives easier.
I'd have no compunction about putting a stop to ex's access visits.

Don't suggest it - just do it.
You don't need permission to provide food for your children.

And if Madam Coldheart refuses to cook it for them - that's it, no more visits to dad. Which I think is the optimum solution anyway.

Never put on a reply take me to Family Court.

Let him think of Family Court himself.

The longer it takes for him to think of it and apply the older the children get.

The older the children get the less likely a Court Order will be made to force the OP to make the children available to see their father.

Once the eldest gets to 14 then the court option is off the table for them.

So you were expecting him to pick them up at 5.30 and you have plans after that, he can pick them up at 7 so at worst you are leaving a 12 year old in charge for 1hr 30 mins? I don't see the problem unless there is some reason you can't trust a 12 year old to be unsupervised for 90 minutes.

Don’t show him your annoyance. That’s feeding him.

Home alone if they are sensible enough
or
He pays a babysitter. Cash on collection of children
or
Can he pick them up from your friends/their friends houses? And then you owe them a favour. Preferably one that has to put him out/embarrass him.

I would say ‘ok no probs, Julie (stepmum) can pick them up instead at the normal time of 5.30pm on Friday. If she’s not prepared to cook for your children, that’s fine. They can either bring a frozen pizza each with them which hopefully Julie won’t mind popping in the oven. Or shall I lend you £20 to give to Julie to buy them fish and chips? Have a chat with Julie and see which would be easier for her? Let me know about the food but either way, looking forward to seeing her 5.30pm Friday.

I'd just tell him not to bother at all.

If your Dh thinks you should accommodate exh why doesn’t he do the journey and drop them off

I wouldn’t send my kids to have a horrible time with an unfriendly stepmum. I’d speak to them and see what they’d prefer to do. If they want to stay with you, I’d do that and cancel my social plans. Not to accommodate the ex- rather, to prioritize my kids’ wellbeing.

Keep the kids home. Don’t send them to their feckless father or his oh so hospitable wife. None of them makes your kids priority.

Get the babysitter and go out or leave them at home alone if they are mature enough.

Ask the kids if they want to go to their father so late, if not then tell it to exH to arrange pick up on Saturday. Don’t accommodate it (no dropping off or meeting half way).

Don’t give him reaction, that’s what he’s waiting for.

Take over control.

This is the solution I'd take - best for the kids. They don't have to sit with his partner and can have dinner at their normal time. Dad picks them up and you don't have to drive.

Well I wouldn't send my kids to be with an adult who makes no secret of the fact she dislikes them and won't even give them basic care, just to prove a point to my Ex. So for me that wouldn't be an option.

I'd tell him to collect first thing saturday or not see them at all.

Sorry you picked such a dud.
I'd go for the option that was best for the kids, too. In a couple of years they won't need you there quite as constantly and you'll be freed up a little.

😂😂😂😂😂😂

I guess what I mean when he changes the plans just say no and he misses the weekend with the kids. He can explain he can fix it. The kids are older and can surely understand what a selfish man he is?

Wheresthebeach - seriously could you be any more patronising.

His work - his problem, his solution to find which may involve his new partner or paying for an alternative solution. I think of the OPS post -we get this type of behaviour is long standing and recurrent..

You are suggesting that the OP changes her life to accommodate his poor behaviours -ergo he still has control of her life. She put more information in her post to give us context which helped - not sure she is fixated on it but if she takes your advice and puts her life on hold EOW to accommodate a skunk and the OW then they are a dominant part in her life - which quite clearly OP has made an effort to move on from.

This is about a controlling wanker who thinks he can still control someone he treated like shit. An OW who will not feed two children on the alleged one off day - two children who she participated in wrecking their family and continues to behave like they are the issue - not her and their DF.

OP- I feel your pain and no easy solution.

How about giving them a big lunch at lunch time then a pack with the smelliest sandwiches (egg? tuna?) and nice crumbly chocolate (flakes?) and the greasiest crisps you can find for them to eat in his car on the way over to his.

@TAmum3 I agree with those who have said to get a babysitter and tell exh he has to pay for it. I'd also follow the advice of a pp to take him back to court to vary the arrangement so he has to pick them up from school. I wouldn't make that long drive yourself and leave them with a woman it sounds like doesn't like them and who they don't like. I would also ask them what they would prefer - you can just say it nicely like 'dad unfortunately has to work late today, would you rather I drop you with step mum or wait until dad comes a bit later?

I wouldn't keep changing your plans for him as it will either give him satisfaction out of messing you around or tell him your life/plans etc don't matter. So sorry you're dealing with this selfishness.

Unfortunately I don’t think you can rely on him as “childcare” as he’s clearly unreliable and flaky.

Do you not have any alternatives? Back up?

If I was Julie and anyone tried that with me the words off you fuck would be used.

It's not Julie's responsibility to pick up your kids, basically.

If you do find a babysitter for a couple of hours Op-what are the chances that he would pay?

I mean it should be his problem to sort but he obviously won't.

I'd go for that option if possible then he has to at least fetch them when he said he would.

By chance did he not have to work late until he knew that you had plans?

If I was your friend or neighbour I'd sit for you!

Leave the kids at home for dad to collect at 7, they are perfectly old enough to spend an hour alone. Order domino's to the house. Life happens, no one has died. It's not the step mums job to baby sit them for you, can't believe anyone thinks dropping the kids off to her will show everyone you mean business, they are your kids, not hers, she has no responsibility for them whatsoever. If dad isn't available then they stay at home until he is.

Change the order for him to collect from school then drop off to school on a Monday. Everyone's happy and communication requirements become almost zilch.

Just to add I got pick up and drop off changed to school (pick up after, drop to school) so as to stop this kind of nonsense. It also stopped the hold he had over me and the opportunity to gnitter (don't know how to spell that) at me.