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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Dsis is neglecting her own child

410 replies

aunty2 · 13/04/2023 15:33

I know neglect is a big word to use, but at this point I'm at my wits end and had enough. I will be careful on how to word this as don't want it to be outing.

I want to start off by saying I love my sister, I know she is a good person, but life hasn't been kind to her and consequently she has derailed quite abit which unfortunately impacts the kids the most negatively. I can't respect her as a mother anymore.

Dsis has 3 children and lives with their dad. They don't have a healthy relationship, that is a whole different thread.

My concern is dnephew. He has been sick for quite a while with this chronic symptoms that won't seem to go. On the outside my nephew looks and seems fine. I've constantly pointed out to dsis and family his symptom doesn't seem right and needs checking upon. He is 6. This has been ongoing for a year now until recently his symptom has got worse and means that he is constantly throwing up. Again he still looks well but the poor thing is suffering and has become normalised to being sick. Me, dparents, and my siblings have all said nephew needs to go to the drs asap. However everytime we say this dsis comes up a list of excuses.

First it was the drs can't see him on the same day

Then it was they won't want to know it's not that bad

Then it was oh well I'm working and bla bla bla.

Thing is dsis constantly makes time for herself and her unhealthy needs. Meanwhile my nephew isn't being prioritised. I can't even book the appointment for him as I have no idea what his Dr is. We are all worried he will suffocate on his own sick in the night. I'm really getting angry about dsis and her behaviour, and also their waste of space dad who can never be held responsible for anything. That child is being failed by his own parents.

What do I do? Aibu to have ago at dsis. I've had enough of being nice about it. My only worry is by confronting dsis she will distance herself and nephew from me which will mean I won't be able to know how he is or what is going on.

OP posts:
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Xrays · 13/04/2023 15:36

I think in this situation I would be very upfront with her and tell her that unless she gets medical help for her son you will be reporting her to social services / nspcc / the school - all of them - and mean it, and actually follow through with it if nothing happens. Do you have any idea what might be causing the sickness? Sounds a horrible thing to suggest but do you think she’s causing it somehow?

Hankunamatata · 13/04/2023 15:38

Is he throwing up in school? Surely they will have raised it

Changechangechanging · 13/04/2023 15:39

How long had he been being sick for? It could be a sign of DKA - which you get with high bloodcsugars when you have type 1 diabetes. Few days or weeks?

Spottycarousel · 13/04/2023 15:39

I was also wondering if she's causing it.

Either way, I agree with the above. Time to be firm. Dsis or not a child is at risk. I couldn't live with myself if he died and I'd said nothing. Please put him first.

Original poster
aunty2 · 13/04/2023 15:39

@Xrays I don't think she is the cause of it but I do think the way they are avoiding the drs makes it seem like she has something to hide which makes me more concerned. My mum even offered to pay to take dnephew to a private drs and dsis refused.

It's all very odd. The only thing I can think off is that it's been so long now maybe dsis is worried about how it will look explaining she has left this to get worse

OP posts:
Original poster
aunty2 · 13/04/2023 15:40

@Hankunamatata ironically the throwing up with it only started when he was on half term. My mum said she is hoping when he goes up to school someone will flag it

OP posts:
Spottycarousel · 13/04/2023 15:41

If you don't feel able to be direct, could you raise your concerns anonymously with the school? Or write social services an email from a made up email address at the local library.

slowsundays · 13/04/2023 15:43

Symptoms going on for a year is a big thing. What kind of symptoms? Have the school not raised it if the symptoms have been constant for a year?

traytablestowed · 13/04/2023 15:43

I agree with the PP above overall. But because you are worried she might cut you off, for a softer approach you could tell her you worry about him constantly and for your own piece of mind, you would be happy to take him for the appointment if this helps with her work commitments... hopefully it will prompt her into booking the appointment so at least he is getting seen to in the first instance.
No idea how to handle the situation long term - sorry you're having to deal with this, must be awful.

Original poster
aunty2 · 13/04/2023 15:44

I really don't know how she could cause this symptom.

OP posts:
Greensleeves · 13/04/2023 15:45

I would have one blunt - not nasty, but plain-speaking - conversation with her and let her know that she must seek help for him immediately - no excuses. If she doesn't repond properly to that, then I think I'd call SS. This child could be seriously ill. Not a nice thing to have to do do a family member, but children's welfare always trumps everything else.

Sorry you're in this position. I've been there and it sucks. But someone has to do the right thing for this child.

1FootInTheRave · 13/04/2023 15:46

Please tell me you have informed child services and the childs school?

Want2beme · 13/04/2023 15:46

The poor lad is suffering. You have no choice but to report it to social services, speak to his school, or tell her and his father to deal with it immediately, or you'll call the police. Hopefully, that'll be enough to spur them into action.

OnMyWayToSenility · 13/04/2023 15:47

Personally I would have the conversation with her.

It could be serious , it could be stress (I had this as a child) vomiting as I just couldn't bare my home life!

Or it could be worms!

He needs to see a doctor!

quokka5 · 13/04/2023 15:47

Is it possible she has already taken him to the doctor, and already has a diagnosis but she doesn't want to share that with wider family?

Original poster
aunty2 · 13/04/2023 15:47

@traytablestowed thanks. My final resort was to offer taking my nephew on her behalf. But in all honesty if she says no or ignores my messages (which is what she has been doing) I don't know what more I can do. As you can imagine this is a tip of the iceberg situation. There is alot more things that these poor kids have been subjected too that I don't agree with. However I tried to tell my family and they all got quite defensive.

Dsis has had child services over before. My mum is worried if we contact them again that this time it will be more serious. I argued that it's not about her but the kids, but effectively my mum told her if I do this it will be an act against my whole family and no one will talk to me if the kids get taken away.

OP posts:
fUNNYfACE36 · 13/04/2023 15:48

Are you sure she isn't seeing the doctor she just doesn't want you involved?

Original poster
aunty2 · 13/04/2023 15:49

@quokka5 not something I've considered but I doubt it. Dsis is always busy doing other questionable things that take up her time, highly unlikely that she has made the effort to take him to the drs once.

OP posts:
OnMyWayToSenility · 13/04/2023 15:50

I'm sure your nephew would like someone to help him and not turn a blind eye! I'd rather be cut off than see a child suffer

ArtixLynx · 13/04/2023 15:50

if i was genuinely concerned for my nephews health i would absolutely sacrifice my relationship with my family to report it.

Howmanysleepsnow · 13/04/2023 15:51

What is the symptom? How concerning is it?

Cleoforever · 13/04/2023 15:51

The child attends school?

what’s his absence rate like

I wouldn’t “have a go at my sister”

because someone like this a essentially abusing their child. I would speak to the school a a concerned close family member. I would be very very surprised if they too aren’t getting concerned

tomorrow

Spottycarousel · 13/04/2023 15:51

aunty2 · 13/04/2023 15:47

@traytablestowed thanks. My final resort was to offer taking my nephew on her behalf. But in all honesty if she says no or ignores my messages (which is what she has been doing) I don't know what more I can do. As you can imagine this is a tip of the iceberg situation. There is alot more things that these poor kids have been subjected too that I don't agree with. However I tried to tell my family and they all got quite defensive.

Dsis has had child services over before. My mum is worried if we contact them again that this time it will be more serious. I argued that it's not about her but the kids, but effectively my mum told her if I do this it will be an act against my whole family and no one will talk to me if the kids get taken away.

That is seriously shit and fucked up. Your mum is enabling your sister to abuse and neglect her kids.

Ask yourself how you'd feel if one of the kids died or at the very least they grow up asking why you said or did nothing to help them. Child welfare should take priority. Those poor kids have no one looking out for them.

You could call or email anonymously and deny all knowledge.

Cleoforever · 13/04/2023 15:53

Dsis is always busy doing other questionable things

FGS OP

you know all of this and you’re asking mumsnet if you should “have a go” at your sister

these poor children. No one advocating them at all

2bazookas · 13/04/2023 15:54

I'd just contact social services with details (and address of his school, who must be aware of this) and ask them to investigate urgently.

They won't tell Dsis it came from you and if the child has been so ill for so long, there must be many concerned adults. So she won't blame you.