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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Dsis is neglecting her own child

410 replies

aunty2 · 13/04/2023 15:33

I know neglect is a big word to use, but at this point I'm at my wits end and had enough. I will be careful on how to word this as don't want it to be outing.

I want to start off by saying I love my sister, I know she is a good person, but life hasn't been kind to her and consequently she has derailed quite abit which unfortunately impacts the kids the most negatively. I can't respect her as a mother anymore.

Dsis has 3 children and lives with their dad. They don't have a healthy relationship, that is a whole different thread.

My concern is dnephew. He has been sick for quite a while with this chronic symptoms that won't seem to go. On the outside my nephew looks and seems fine. I've constantly pointed out to dsis and family his symptom doesn't seem right and needs checking upon. He is 6. This has been ongoing for a year now until recently his symptom has got worse and means that he is constantly throwing up. Again he still looks well but the poor thing is suffering and has become normalised to being sick. Me, dparents, and my siblings have all said nephew needs to go to the drs asap. However everytime we say this dsis comes up a list of excuses.

First it was the drs can't see him on the same day

Then it was they won't want to know it's not that bad

Then it was oh well I'm working and bla bla bla.

Thing is dsis constantly makes time for herself and her unhealthy needs. Meanwhile my nephew isn't being prioritised. I can't even book the appointment for him as I have no idea what his Dr is. We are all worried he will suffocate on his own sick in the night. I'm really getting angry about dsis and her behaviour, and also their waste of space dad who can never be held responsible for anything. That child is being failed by his own parents.

What do I do? Aibu to have ago at dsis. I've had enough of being nice about it. My only worry is by confronting dsis she will distance herself and nephew from me which will mean I won't be able to know how he is or what is going on.

OP posts:
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Original poster
aunty2 · 13/04/2023 15:55

@fUNNYfACE36 it's not just me. Its everyone she is being like this to

OP posts:
MaverickSnoopy · 13/04/2023 15:56

I think that if he is getting worse it sounds like it's not being dealt with. I also think that in the future you don't want to look back with regret wishing you did something.

I have been in a similar situation and know how hard it is. I think you have more reason for concern than i did and I reported the person in question. It all turned out fine.

If you don't do something no one is going to advocate for him. If dsis is already doing something then she will be able to evidence that to any professional. I would personally contact his school with your concerns and as well as mash.

3dogsandarabbit · 13/04/2023 16:00

How frequently is he being sick, once a day, once a week, once a month? You say he looks ok, is he losing weight?

Cleoforever · 13/04/2023 16:02

Woman up OP

fast

Turfwars · 13/04/2023 16:04

I'd call the police confidential helpline and deny all knowledge ever more.
And if a full SS investigation didn't come out of that I'd turn up and demand to take him to A&E myself and justify it by saying that if some of the family are demonstrating doing the right thing, that the kids might get to stay within the wider family.

An anecdote. My parents used to beat us - back when the typical punishment would be grounding or the like. Someone reported them to SS. They got the fright of their lives and had to do a parenting course. It transformed my family in the best way. I will be thankful all my life to whichever person picked up the phone to report them.

JuneOsborne · 13/04/2023 16:05

We've had a similar situation with friends. 2 siblings, both with kids. One of the siblings has a child that gets injured more than normal, because they don't watch them properly. After the last time, the other sibling rang and reported them to SS. They have been to seen the child and their family. The mother (grandmother to the injured child) is really upset that someone reported it to SS and thinks it's the sibling, but doesn't know for sure.

This has made the reporting sibling feel certain it was the right thing to do because the fact that other people won't report it and keep it secret for them, in the reporting siblings mind, shows that there is indeed a real problem.

The fact that your mum won't hear of it being reported is similar, isn't it? Your mum is enabling and is complicit in this abuse. As are you, if you don't report it. Your sister has given you no choice. If your mum should be angry with anyone, it's her daughter for neglecting those kids. And if that's not how this goes down, she's as fucked up as they are, or even, the reason for the fucked up-ness. Do the right thing.

Hopelesscynic · 13/04/2023 16:10

Your mum is hoping someone at school will raise a concern?
She doesn't want to ring SS because there were issues before and this time it can be "more serious"?
You are asking Mumsnet what to do, knowing there is a concern for your nephew?
You've really got to be joking, this makes my blood boil. Get on the phone to SS or NSPCC or the school and say something please! Can't believe this thread.

AHugeTinyMistake · 13/04/2023 16:11

When does DNephew return to school OP? Is it Monday? If it is, ring the school, speak to the safeguarding lead and lay it all out - tell then everything.

90% of referrals to SS don't meet threshold anyway and are often kicked back to schools to deal with so you may as well start with them and they may have other information on file that can help build a picture for intervention.

Your mum is wrong, and you know this. Which is awful to contemplate that she would turn a blind eye to neglect of her GC so that her daughter isn't under scrutiny, but that's her position. It is not unusual unfortunately.

MyPurpleHeart · 13/04/2023 16:12

As a grown up child in this sort of situation, please do something. I wish someone had spoken up for me when I was neglected as a child. No one ever did.

Wc100423 · 13/04/2023 16:15

Not to alarm you but DN could get sick very quickly and die because his electrolytes could be all out of sync. He might be on borrowed time already. Do whatever it takes to get DN well at this point in time your sister is an abuser and no thought should be given to her whatsoever.

RedToothBrush · 13/04/2023 16:19

aunty2 · 13/04/2023 15:47

@traytablestowed thanks. My final resort was to offer taking my nephew on her behalf. But in all honesty if she says no or ignores my messages (which is what she has been doing) I don't know what more I can do. As you can imagine this is a tip of the iceberg situation. There is alot more things that these poor kids have been subjected too that I don't agree with. However I tried to tell my family and they all got quite defensive.

Dsis has had child services over before. My mum is worried if we contact them again that this time it will be more serious. I argued that it's not about her but the kids, but effectively my mum told her if I do this it will be an act against my whole family and no one will talk to me if the kids get taken away.

Massive drip feed.

So SS have previously been involved, you have significant concerns but you are NOT reporting it because she might lose the kids??

Hello! Wake up.

If even you as a family member is seeing a problem and have this level of concern, DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT.

If you are letting yourself be emotionally abused and blackmailed by your own mother into not doing something, there is also something very wrong there too and you have some warped priorities going on here.

This is about the little boy, and making sure he is SAFE.

Not family loyalty bullshit.

OnlyOpenMouthToChangeFeet · 13/04/2023 16:20

Changechangechanging · 13/04/2023 15:39

How long had he been being sick for? It could be a sign of DKA - which you get with high bloodcsugars when you have type 1 diabetes. Few days or weeks?

OP said a year.

Cleoforever · 13/04/2023 16:20

Oh FFS OP

Dsis has had child services over before. My mum is worried if we contact them again that this time it will be more serious

You are as bad as your mum

Original poster
aunty2 · 13/04/2023 16:24

Just asked dsis if I can take dnephew. Her response?

He is fine.

She is now completely denying his condition even though we've had numerous convos about him together

OP posts:
PeppermintPorpoise · 13/04/2023 16:24

Social services. Now. Confronting serious medical neglect is above our or your abilities. I've had to call SS on family members myself and although I know its horrible its the right thing to do. Abusers (and your sister is an abuser) thrive on the silence of others and people not wanting to rock the boat. Do you really want to enable this?

whyhelloo · 13/04/2023 16:24

Have you seen those systems IRL ie definitely not munchausen by proxy?

On the actual sickness, I think the fastest way would be to just take him to a private doctor yourself, or if that's too inflammatory an action, book a private telehealth/video appointment and just have the dr video call speak to him - many providers online

whyhelloo · 13/04/2023 16:25

And yes of course other actions to be taken in the long run but above is suggestion for quick way to address possibly urgent sickness

Have you Googled his symptoms, do you have a rough idea of what condition they could fall under or are they a mysterious/worrying pattern?

Original poster
aunty2 · 13/04/2023 16:25

SS were not called because of the kids but because of dsis and her partner arguing in public

OP posts:
Original poster
aunty2 · 13/04/2023 16:26

@whyhelloo yes dnephew got sick infront of me.

OP posts:
1FootInTheRave · 13/04/2023 16:26

Your mother is a disgrace.

Action this or you too are complicit in the abuse of these children.

Joeylove88 · 13/04/2023 16:26

Nothing matters except those children - especially your nephew! It sounds like you would be much better off without any of those horrible people in your life anyway. Anyone who neglects or stands by and watches neglect is not worth having in your life surely even if it is your family. Your nephew needs you now because it sounds like noone else is going to help him and like others have said he could be seriously ill by now and in need of urgent medical attention before it's too late. Please do the right thing here. I honestly hope these poor children are removed from their parents because they honestly don't deserve their children.

whyhelloo · 13/04/2023 16:28

Just to add prescriptions available with video appointments too

Exhibity · 13/04/2023 16:28

I can't believe you haven't done something sooner, that poor little boy.

AlpacaBag · 13/04/2023 16:32

I think I'd be tempted to "borrow" your nephew, offer to look after him or take him out for a treat and then turn up at A&E with him to get him checked out. That sounds really unlawful writing it down but it would be the quickest action to at least get him seen, and then deal with the consequences afterwards.

whyhelloo · 13/04/2023 16:33

Exhibity · 13/04/2023 16:28

I can't believe you haven't done something sooner, that poor little boy.

Tbf it's only been a while since half term when he began throwing up. Re before that - many kids have persistent mild symptoms for ages

Agree something drastic needs to be done now, though I personally think medical care is the fastest and most productive way beforehand (can keep a log and proof if would like to contact SS in future or afterwards) as not sure how long SS etc will take