Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Dsis is neglecting her own child

410 replies

aunty2 · 13/04/2023 15:33

I know neglect is a big word to use, but at this point I'm at my wits end and had enough. I will be careful on how to word this as don't want it to be outing.

I want to start off by saying I love my sister, I know she is a good person, but life hasn't been kind to her and consequently she has derailed quite abit which unfortunately impacts the kids the most negatively. I can't respect her as a mother anymore.

Dsis has 3 children and lives with their dad. They don't have a healthy relationship, that is a whole different thread.

My concern is dnephew. He has been sick for quite a while with this chronic symptoms that won't seem to go. On the outside my nephew looks and seems fine. I've constantly pointed out to dsis and family his symptom doesn't seem right and needs checking upon. He is 6. This has been ongoing for a year now until recently his symptom has got worse and means that he is constantly throwing up. Again he still looks well but the poor thing is suffering and has become normalised to being sick. Me, dparents, and my siblings have all said nephew needs to go to the drs asap. However everytime we say this dsis comes up a list of excuses.

First it was the drs can't see him on the same day

Then it was they won't want to know it's not that bad

Then it was oh well I'm working and bla bla bla.

Thing is dsis constantly makes time for herself and her unhealthy needs. Meanwhile my nephew isn't being prioritised. I can't even book the appointment for him as I have no idea what his Dr is. We are all worried he will suffocate on his own sick in the night. I'm really getting angry about dsis and her behaviour, and also their waste of space dad who can never be held responsible for anything. That child is being failed by his own parents.

What do I do? Aibu to have ago at dsis. I've had enough of being nice about it. My only worry is by confronting dsis she will distance herself and nephew from me which will mean I won't be able to know how he is or what is going on.

OP posts:
Thread gallery
5
Exhibity · 17/04/2023 12:56

No one actually knows if the child even has asthma and they won't find out unless the poor boy is taken to the doctors.

Throckmorton · 17/04/2023 13:10

whyhelloo · 17/04/2023 12:40

@Throckmorton Here (as well as in other countries' guidelines and general medical literature), is is recommended that mild asthma should only be treated when needed. It's well-documented that in young children, it's hard to differentiate asthma from other conditions (especially allergies, idiopathic cough, etc), and so doctors tend to be more cautious here. Nothing I'm saying is particularly controversial. Again, this is all well-documented.

Equally, SABA (as they're called here) overuse without controller (again, as we call them) is not encouraged. Occasional use of SABA (as we call it) OTC on as-needed basis is not particularly harmful, but if you're using it frequently, you need to go to the doctor for a combination controller.

Unlike in the UK, we don't generally use 2 sets of inhalers here (which might be where your confusion stems from). If your condition requires a controller (as they're called here), it's usually prescribed in the form of a combination controller. If you require a prescription, and equally if you don't need one just yet, you will be told so.

So yes, you were indeed incorrectly using "inhaler" to mean just the SABA/reliever-type of inhaler. Thank you for finally clarifying what you are talking about.

The global asthma guidelines (GINA) were revised recently and now recommend all adolescents and adults with asthma should be using a controller. I am not in the least confused as to asthma guidelines, just by your strange use of the word inhaler to refer to only one of the many types of inhaler-based drugs.

whyhelloo · 17/04/2023 13:51

Throckmorton · 17/04/2023 13:10

So yes, you were indeed incorrectly using "inhaler" to mean just the SABA/reliever-type of inhaler. Thank you for finally clarifying what you are talking about.

The global asthma guidelines (GINA) were revised recently and now recommend all adolescents and adults with asthma should be using a controller. I am not in the least confused as to asthma guidelines, just by your strange use of the word inhaler to refer to only one of the many types of inhaler-based drugs.

Show quote history

You may not be confused by asthma guidelines, but maybe by reading comprehension? :) I've made reference to the different tiers of treatment multiple times, e.g. "Generally we take a multi-pronged approach of OTC inhalers, steroids and medication (none are available in the UK), anything else that's prescribed upon doing various tests, exercise/fresh air etc."

The keyword in the guidelines are with asthma. A chronic cough isn't necessarily indicative of that, and again, it's well-documented that there's often no definitive way to diagnose asthma conclusively in young children.

Overall, I'm really baffled as to what point you and the other poster (with her hilarious and persistent accusations of my parents' deliberate abuse of their son due to dislike 😂😂😂😂) keep on trying to prove... Surely both of you don't actually think you know better than real life doctors who saw both my brother and me (both of whom became asymptomatic within years)? If you do though, I'm actually lost for words!

whyhelloo · 17/04/2023 14:01

Cleoforever · 17/04/2023 05:57

Thankfully @whyhelloo has shuffled off with her tail between her legs

It would be good if HQ now reported the nonsense she has spouted, which includes but not limited to -
*smacking is legal in Wales - it is NOT
*SS has a minimum legal threshold before they get involved - they do NOT
*and the fact that it was not abusive for her parents to accept her brother endured a permanent cough throughout his childhood simply because they assumed it was asthma

oh and all that @Throckmorton has detailed

what ridiculous poster

Listening to actual doctors and not Dr Cleoforever MMBS (Mumsnet), how abusive lol

whyhelloo · 17/04/2023 14:02

Typo above, but this is the Internet certification so the title awarded is a bit different ;)

Throckmorton · 17/04/2023 14:05

whyhelloo · 17/04/2023 13:51

You may not be confused by asthma guidelines, but maybe by reading comprehension? :) I've made reference to the different tiers of treatment multiple times, e.g. "Generally we take a multi-pronged approach of OTC inhalers, steroids and medication (none are available in the UK), anything else that's prescribed upon doing various tests, exercise/fresh air etc."

The keyword in the guidelines are with asthma. A chronic cough isn't necessarily indicative of that, and again, it's well-documented that there's often no definitive way to diagnose asthma conclusively in young children.

Overall, I'm really baffled as to what point you and the other poster (with her hilarious and persistent accusations of my parents' deliberate abuse of their son due to dislike 😂😂😂😂) keep on trying to prove... Surely both of you don't actually think you know better than real life doctors who saw both my brother and me (both of whom became asymptomatic within years)? If you do though, I'm actually lost for words!

Show quote history

I've made no comment at all on you or your brother - not sure why you think I have. I have made general comments on the need for parents such as the one in the OP not to ignore coughs and to instead seek medical advice (which your parents apparently did, so again, I have no idea why you think I am referring to you). I have commented only on your unclear use of the term "inhalers" to apply specifically and only to reliever inhalers (most preventers are also inhaled) and the effect that has on making your statements unclear to the point of dangerousness. You have clarified what you meant, for which I thanked you.

whyhelloo · 17/04/2023 14:23

Throckmorton · 17/04/2023 14:05

I've made no comment at all on you or your brother - not sure why you think I have. I have made general comments on the need for parents such as the one in the OP not to ignore coughs and to instead seek medical advice (which your parents apparently did, so again, I have no idea why you think I am referring to you). I have commented only on your unclear use of the term "inhalers" to apply specifically and only to reliever inhalers (most preventers are also inhaled) and the effect that has on making your statements unclear to the point of dangerousness. You have clarified what you meant, for which I thanked you.

Show quote history

Great, so we're on the same page.

I've previously been clear that my parents had sought medical advice. My general point was that in some cases, medical advice can and does include letting a childhood cough (possible possible asthma/allergies/???) self-resolve to some extent.

Certain posters' very persistent views that to ignore such medical advice (and presumably keep on seeking 2nd, 3rd, 4th, 5th, etc opinions until you're finally prescribed the interventionist regime that you want?) would be abusive just = wacko tbh. As you state, you don't hold such a view, which is a relief.

Clearly, the mother in this case hasn't sought medical treatment, but I hazarded a soft guess that the existence/prevalence of this parental approach (on doctors' orders in some cases, misguided in some cases) muddies the waters when it comes to the court downright declaring her actions harmful (beyond merely "very diverse standards of parenting, including the eccentric, the barely adequate and the inconsistent").

I did caveat in earlier posts that I obviously wasn't sure of the strength of this point. (Though we do know that the social services threshold does exist, and it will take lots of paperwork and time – which could otherwise have been used on just bringing the boy to the doctor right now – to demonstrate that this threshold has been crossed. It would be a ridiculous objection to say the threshold simply doesn't exist.)

Cleoforever · 17/04/2023 14:44

I-suspect you won’t OP
but it would be wonderful if you came back and reported that you’d call the school and expressed your concerns?

Cleoforever · 17/04/2023 14:44

Because to do nothing begs the question why you started the thread?

JingleBellez · 25/04/2023 15:53

aunty2 · 14/04/2023 18:02

@sandyhappypeople thanks. I'm not going to entertain these whole "dnephew being abused" posts. He is not. I know he isn't. It's offensive to me, my sister and my family tbh. No one on here knows enough to make such huge allegations. As I stated a million times my sister is NOT evil like that.

I am not throwing myself into the SS options, YET, because at the moment I think the risk factor is more bad than good on EVERYONES behalf and to be honest unless they witness one of these coughing episodes nothing would warrant them doing anything.

I did try to have dnephew today but was rejected in the end. However I will see him this weekend to assess the situation and see if he is still as bad. If he is I will address with dmum again and potentially tell his school.

I appreciate everyone's helpful advice. I am hearing it. And I'm not going to do NOTHING.

Thanks

Your wrath is aimed at the wrong people!

New posts on this thread. Refresh page