to wonder why parents feel they don't need to financially help their kids after a certain age because they must ‘struggle like we did’ ?

[whatistuesday]

I understand some people literally cannot do this but many can, even if it means a detriment to their own life, for instance one less holiday, a cheaper car etc etc.

But I do not understand why those who can, don’t. People who moan about supporting kids through university, making them take (full) loans that take so long to pay back, making them move out before they’ve had chance to save, charging them rent… the list goes on. The argument always seems to be that the DD or DS needs to learn the value of money or stand on their own two feet… of course, but does that mean you, as a parent, have no responsibility when they turn 18? Are they supposed to magically have money to start out? Even renting you need a deposit, let alone the idea of saving for a mortgage. There’s this idea that ‘well if i suffered, you must too.’ It’s your child!

For context I have had help from my parents but also know they could have done more. I now have dc and would do everything possible to ensure they were financially comfortable as a young adult. And no… I’m not bringing up brats, I work hard and will expect them to, too. But I also don’t want them to launch into debt to get started in life, because I think I deserve a nice holiday or a new car or to order what I want in my weekly shop. I will always make sacrifices where needed, it won’t suddenly end at 18.

Of course young adults need support, and more these days than when we were young.

I agree OP. But I think you'll need your extra hard hat because there are loads of people on MN who think differently.

I agree. It seems similar to when people start in new jobs and dont get positive support from their colleagues - people seem to take pleasure in making others lives difficult and then wonder why they fail or leave!

I had f* all help from my parents. I've been homeless twice. How they could have not stepped in to help I will never know. They were shite parents.

I agree OP. My MIL has used the phrase "well we didn't get any help from our parents", but she seems to be missing the point that their parents didn't have the means to help, which is different to choosing not to.

I agree. We are dropping more and more into debt with rising costs. When we had our second 4 years ago we were in a totally different financial position and now what we could easily have afforded before is crippling us. Meanwhile my parents go skiing, on numerous hot holidays, weekends away and spend like there’s no tomorrow. Their pensions are twice our annual salaries. Most people will claim we are entitled and I’d never say anything but I know for certain if my kids struggle like this and I’m more financially comfortable I will be helping them as much as I can.

I agree op

ive made it clear to mine that they need to work ( Saturday ms/part time while doing a levels and degree etc,) as I’m not funding them to sit in their backsides, but I absolutely will help them as they venture off into the world with whatever I can and fully expect a level of financial support in young adulthood to some degree

Life is very different now for our young folk. Of course we should help them if we can.

I 100% agree. My parents charged rent as soon as I left college and got a job (min wage) but I had to buy my own food and wash my own clothes, and then made me move out when I was 18 because they relocated. I can't imagine ever doing that to my 3 kids.

We barely have any money left at the end of the month after all our outgoings, we've never had help from in-laws with school uniforms etc. but they just bought a nice new car and solar panels. WTF!

If we try to explain we are struggling we just get told "we remember it was the same for us" even though I'm sure they got support from our grandparents!

I can see both sides of this. I do think that financial self-sufficiency is a very important lesson and its one that a generation of kids is learning quite late, with damaging consequences. I do think its important to learn to budget and having a part time job alongside a degree instils a degree of financial independence and commitment which is a definite positive. I don't think its healthy for people to be entirely reliant on Bank of Mum and Dad into their mid 20s.

But the reality today is that education is phenomenally expensive. Having a part time job alongside a degree is a good thing largely for reasons of self-growth and development and for many people it's essential but it would be delusional to assume that a 19 year old doing a degree could be entirely self-sufficient from the get-go without jeopardising their education. It's simply not possible for most kids to earn the kind of money they would need to have a meaningful impact on their financial independence without getting to the point where they didn't have time to study effectively.

I think if you want your kids to do a degree you have to make peace with the fact that to some extent you are committing yourself to backstopping them.

And to PP I’d never be comfortable having pots of cash knowing my children were struggling
( as long as they were working/being responsible )

I support my ds (and masters later this year fingers crossed) but no way am I also paying the fees

Mumsnet is a strange place where teenagers can't be trusted alone in the house but then suddenly have to grow up on their 18th birthday and be a responsible adult. I agree with you, I won't be in a position ti help much but I'll help where I can for my dc even if it means going without at times

And when I say support I mean full support

I absolutely agree OP. That attitude really baffles me, of course young people need help.

It doesn't make any sense not to take the full student loan if it's available.

I'm not sure I will pay the fees for my children's university. Possibly we will. We already sacrifice so much to pay the fees for private education, I am really looking forward to having a bit more money for ourselves once they are older. We will support them with their living costs whilst studying and help with house deposits.

I support my adult DC by putting a roof over their head, advising them wisely, feeding them and washing their clothes for minimal rent.

Will I be paying for house deposits, etc? Absolutely not.

They work full time and pay £30 a week rent, up to them if they want to save or spend, I have one doing one and one doing the other.

I wouldn’t see my kids struggle. If I can help them then I will! I plan to pay for driving lessons when the time comes (they are primary age) and towards uni costs or whatever is the best option for them. As my parents did for me.

What I’m not doing is what my in-laws do. My BIL is 33. Works full time, lives at home rent and bill free. All his meals cooked, clothes washed etc. All his money is disposable income for meals out and holidays with his gf. My mil was complaining about the cost of oil and electricity as BIL likes long hot showers at random times of the day and his towels washed after every use. I just smile and nod as it’s their business.

So yeah I would be supportive, in order for them to become independent adults, but not for them to live a cushty life with me doing everything for them!

100%. Life is much harder for young people starting out now than it was when I was younger. I was able to easily pay rent, save half my wages and enjoy life on a crappy minimum wage job. It's just not possible today.

The parents who take rent to 'teach budgeting' then give it back at the end, make me cringe. There are better ways to teach money management - like helping your kids learn to save, not taking it from them for your big self appreciating taaadaah moment. They will live their lives being legally bound to pay rent/mortgage, bills - TEACH them to save!

@whatistuesday are you expecting parents to pay all university costs?

Think there is a middle ground. Not sure it is right to expect parents to forego a holiday to financially support their adult DC. Bit like expecting grandparents to provide free childcare (fine for them to offer but you shouldn’t expect them to do it)

Would also depend why your adult DC need financial support? If circumstances change out of their control, then fine. But if they are rubbish at budgeting, spending beyond their means on unnecessary things, then throwing money at them isn’t going to help.

A relative’s 50 year old son still lives with his parents. Pays no keep, mum cooks his dinner and does his laundry! He is finally looking to move out, probably because he doesn’t want to be lumbered with looking after them now they have health concerns.

When I went to uni, my parents' earnings were too much to get me loan I could live on (accom, bills, food and uni fees) but their outgoings were too much to be able to cover the shortfall. So I begged them to declare us estranged so my loan was not dependent on their earnings but they wouldn't because 'that would be embarrassing'. So I had to work almost full time and got into tonnes of private debt to save their pride.

They have helped occasionally when I have been desperate but are so out of touch i.e £20 to help with £600pcm rent in the 00/10s. They are disgusted by debt, benefits and renting - it's very frustrating so we do not speak of money.

Another who had fuck all help from my parents. moved out at 16 due to an abusive stepfather and my mother chose him over her kids.. I’ve also been homeless , had no money to eat (despite always working). Yep my parents were and are shit! I’ve two daughters and, whilst I’m raising them to know the value of money, be kind and work hard… I’ll not see them suffer. I’ll help them as much as I can even if it means I have less. Otherwise what the hell did I choose to give birth to them for?!

To add, I'm giving my DC as much as possible...especially if they try to help themselves with education/opportunities etc.

Suffer because we suffered (when in fact, they did not), is a disgusting attitude.