Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want to speak to friend about her child’s weight?

239 replies

wingingit1987 · 12/04/2023 21:55

For a bit of background- there is a group of 4 of us who have known each other since primary school. We all have young kids and see each other often. I’m closer to one of the girls and consider her my best friend.

She has a son who just turned 5. He is very overweight for his age. I would go as far as to say obese. He wears age 10-11 clothes and recently outgrew a lot of them and passed them on to one of the other girls sons(he is 10). This is what sparked this conversation as we are due to meet up for one of the kids birthday parties this week, and the other two have been texting me privately to say they think we should speak to her about her sons weight.

I see my friend at least once or twice a week and I realise he is big. It is down to diet- my friend is also obese. By her own admission he overeats- she said he eats 6 packs of crisps a day, adult portions of food etc. she always dismisses his weight being an issue and says he wears bigger clothes because he is tall, that it’s puppy fat etc.

I agree with my other friends 110% that he is unhealthy and overweight but my issue is that health professionals already know this and I don’t see what difference it would make for us to have some sort of intervention. She has several professionals involved in his care as he has additional support needs. They have addressed this with my friend already.

My friends think we are being neglectful not to say anything but I just don’t see how it would help as she absolutely does not feel it’s an issue.

OP posts:
RunningFromInsanity · 12/04/2023 21:58

There is no need for you to say anything. She knows. Plenty of people are telling her.

You saying something would likely lose her as a friend.

(Although I abhor parents with overweight children so I would probably have distanced myself from her already)

Iam4eels · 12/04/2023 22:01

She knows and there are professionals involved due to his additional needs, leave it to them to discuss his health and just be her friend rather than another judgemental voice.

youshouldnthaveasked · 12/04/2023 22:01

I can’t see how anything good can come from this interfering when she is already undergoing intervention from professionals.

Mammabear23 · 12/04/2023 22:01

She knows. She doesn't need her closest friends to point out the obvious and make her feel like a shit mum. She won't appreciate it.
Be there and support her when she needs it.

ThereIbledit · 12/04/2023 22:03

Stay the heck out of it.

Redglitter · 12/04/2023 22:03

She has several professionals involved in his care as he has additional support needs. They have addressed this with my friend already

In that case absolutely don't mention it. If she's got all that in place then she's addressing his problems its not like she's got her head in the sand.

There would be nothing achieved by bringing it up.

Okunevo · 12/04/2023 22:04

How can the clothes be due to his height? 10-11 is for children about 144cm tall, is he that tall at 5?

LadyKenya · 12/04/2023 22:05

Wait a minute, so one friend is suggesting that you, and another friend speak to her about it. Would that be all at once? I think that I would not wish to be part of that conversation.

Youvebeenmuffled · 12/04/2023 22:05

It could very well be down to a mixture of bad diet and the fact he has additional needs. Depending on what those are, she may be having a really tough time changing his diet and snacking habits. None of you need to say anything, she will know. Maybe it would be more supportive to plan lots of meets ups that are outdoors/big walks/play centers so he is getting the benefit of socializing whilst being active

Holycow23x · 12/04/2023 22:06

Yip, good call OP.

If the others decide to address it (again) advise them under no circumstances do they bring your name into it. You don’t want to be involved.

Original poster
wingingit1987 · 12/04/2023 22:06

Thank you for your replies. I feel as though she is dismissive of it as it all feels a bit overwhelming for her with everything else that’s going on (he has very complex needs, non verbal, school enrolment process is proving to be harder for her as he is struggling to get a SEN place etc).

my friends were very much of the opinion that we are all failing this wee boy by not confronting her but I don’t want to be hammering home something that I imagine the professionals have discussed to death with her anyway.

OP posts:
GlassBunion · 12/04/2023 22:07

It's hard.

If no one says anything then it normalises the problem.

It's like fat shaming. No one is allowed to make a size 28 person feel bad about their weight.

I don't know. And I'm quite obese myself.

Nowtbettertodo · 12/04/2023 22:07

RunningFromInsanity · 12/04/2023 21:58

There is no need for you to say anything. She knows. Plenty of people are telling her.

You saying something would likely lose her as a friend.

(Although I abhor parents with overweight children so I would probably have distanced myself from her already)

Abhor? Really? Harsh!

Anyway Op, no don’t get involved in any of that.

Original poster
wingingit1987 · 12/04/2023 22:07

Okunevo · 12/04/2023 22:04

How can the clothes be due to his height? 10-11 is for children about 144cm tall, is he that tall at 5?

Exactly- we all know it’s not his height at all. Anything that fits him in terms of his waist/tummy size m, goes down to his knees. All his trousers are much too long. But I think she says this rather than admitting it’s due to his weight.

OP posts:
Original poster
wingingit1987 · 12/04/2023 22:09

LadyKenya · 12/04/2023 22:05

Wait a minute, so one friend is suggesting that you, and another friend speak to her about it. Would that be all at once? I think that I would not wish to be part of that conversation.

Both of my friends think we should all approach her and speak to her about it. I think it would seem like an intervention or us hanging up on her.

OP posts:
Ilovetea42 · 12/04/2023 22:09

She's already aware, she's already receiving support from professionals I don't see what possible benefit a pile on from her so called support network is going to do. I absolutely would not get involved with this and I'd do whatever I could to stop the other two from going through with this.

Original poster
wingingit1987 · 12/04/2023 22:10

Sorry for all the typos!

OP posts:
TrueScrumptious · 12/04/2023 22:11

Well, I agree with your friends. It’s neglectful not to intervene. You are condoning and enabling the abuse of a child. It would be profoundly wrong not to say something.

FatFucker · 12/04/2023 22:12

These sort of threads always perplex me.

Most will say keep your nose out, leave it to the professionals etc etc

But would they be saying the same thing if your friend was starving her son?

Her son will not be leading a full and happy life if he's this overweight at 5.

It's a difficult one OP, and I suspect as a PP said, that I could not be friends with someone as cruel as your friend. 6 packets of crisps a day? That poor poor child :(

Comfies · 12/04/2023 22:13

Your friends are nuts! Not that it matters but my DCs have always been pretty skinny, but even I can tell you should never bring this up. As if she doesn't know. Patronising, intrusive oversteppers you've got there. Is their judgement often terrible or only on this occasion?

Also, if anyone said my kids were too skinny (they aren't - they're healthy but on the low end) and asked if I was feeding them enough, I'd laugh in their silly faces and probably avoid them forever.

pictoosh · 12/04/2023 22:14

No you are right. This is not for your group to confront her about. She knows, the professionals know, there is nothing to gain from bringing it up except to alienate her.

MaryMagda · 12/04/2023 22:15

I think it's fine to say something if you genuinely feel it could help or bring her some additional focus or support. The intervention committee approach won't achieve anything. One of you would be better.

Jojobees · 12/04/2023 22:18

At 5 needing clothes for a child double his age is scarily overweight, damaging to health and potentially life limiting.
You need to have some difficult conversations with her.

SqB · 12/04/2023 22:19

My daughter is very overweight. It is a very sensitive issue. I’ve done my best in terms of healthy eating and exercise but she has now been diagnosed with a thyroid problem so fingers crossed things will improve now we have answers. My friends have been supportive but not interfering. They don’t abhor me!

Janedoe82 · 12/04/2023 22:23

Really not up to you to say anything. And I say that as someone who has had to have those conversations on a professional basis.

Swipe left for the next trending thread