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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want to speak to friend about her child’s weight?

239 replies

wingingit1987 · 12/04/2023 21:55

For a bit of background- there is a group of 4 of us who have known each other since primary school. We all have young kids and see each other often. I’m closer to one of the girls and consider her my best friend.

She has a son who just turned 5. He is very overweight for his age. I would go as far as to say obese. He wears age 10-11 clothes and recently outgrew a lot of them and passed them on to one of the other girls sons(he is 10). This is what sparked this conversation as we are due to meet up for one of the kids birthday parties this week, and the other two have been texting me privately to say they think we should speak to her about her sons weight.

I see my friend at least once or twice a week and I realise he is big. It is down to diet- my friend is also obese. By her own admission he overeats- she said he eats 6 packs of crisps a day, adult portions of food etc. she always dismisses his weight being an issue and says he wears bigger clothes because he is tall, that it’s puppy fat etc.

I agree with my other friends 110% that he is unhealthy and overweight but my issue is that health professionals already know this and I don’t see what difference it would make for us to have some sort of intervention. She has several professionals involved in his care as he has additional support needs. They have addressed this with my friend already.

My friends think we are being neglectful not to say anything but I just don’t see how it would help as she absolutely does not feel it’s an issue.

OP posts:
Saz12 · 12/04/2023 22:49

She already knows her son is overweight. She doesnt need you to tell her. She does need you to support her though.

Imagine whatll happen jf you say to her. Will she end up havibg an epiphany - "oooh! Of course! I never realised crisps and cake and fizzy drinks and indoor screen time were the problem... from now on itll be child sized portions of steamed fish and salad with 2 hours of fun exercise a day!". Or will she just feel crap, think her freinds talk about her behivd her back and believe her to be a neglectful failure, and avoid you?

Original poster
wingingit1987 · 12/04/2023 22:50

I should add- I’m a nurse and I think that’s why they all feel I have some sort of duty to get involved. But I know the level of input the various professionals have with her son and I know that part of all these processes will be to address his weight. I feel like they will do a better job of it than we will, sat in softplay trying to confront her in the middle of a birthday party.

Of course I feel worried about his health and his wellbeing but I also worry that my friend ends up isolating herself and her son if she thinks everyone is talking about her behind her back.

OP posts:
Thepossibility · 12/04/2023 22:53

Don't say a word! I can't see any positive to sticking your nose in.
She sounds like she has a lot on her plate without a telling off from her friends.

ASimpleLampoon · 12/04/2023 22:55

coffeecupsandwaxmelts · 12/04/2023 22:40

This thread just hammers home how difficult it must be to be a parent of a child with severe additional needs.

OP has explained several times that the little boy is non-verbal and has considerable support from professionals due to his additional needs.

And still posters are banging on about how awful his mother is and how she should be shamed into doing something about his weight.

Of course his diet isn't ideal but if she knows that. She doesn't need her friends making her feel guilty for it on top of everything else she's going though.

100 % this. She is far from a crap mum or she wouldn't be working flat out with professionals out to secure support around him. Anyone with a disabled child knows this can almost be like a full time job depending on level of need and nothing about the process is easy! You can't do Everything at once. School placement will be the priority and a lot of support kicks in when that is in place which will hopefully give her some breathing space to be able to address his weight.

OP why don't the three of you offer to take him out once a week to give her some respite. doesn't sound like she gets any at all. Then take him to an activity where he's running around getting some exercise. Be part of the solution rather than judging.

thebaneofmylifeisacat · 12/04/2023 22:56

No no no no no

Keep your beak out and keep quiet!!!!

She knows. Be her friend and ignore the fat

FannyPhart · 12/04/2023 22:57

So what do your friends think ganging up on her will achieve? That someone clearly in denial will suddenly stop being in denial? Telling her her child is fat is not going to stop her stuffing him with all the wrong foods if she's that deeply in denial that she does not believe there's an issue. She's not suddenly going to hear from you what t she's refusing to hear from professionals. Sadly nothing you say as a group will do anything other than make her feel attacked as a parent because she's not in the right mind to hear the good intent behind the message. Telling her that her kid is fat however sensitively you do it is not suddenly going to make her snap out of it and buy salad. This is far too deep seated for that. She's obese herself so she doesn't recognise it the way people who aren't obese do. So to go back, what exactly is it your friends think will be achieved by telling her what she isn't able to hear?

thebaneofmylifeisacat · 12/04/2023 22:58

Your friends sound bitchy please don't join in to 'educate her about her child'

How would you feel? She's your best friend so support her not bitch behind her back

MeMyBooksAndMyCats · 12/04/2023 22:59

So if your a nurse your aware there is medical conditions that can make certain people feel constantly hungry. It's not their fault.

Do not gang up on her that's what a shit friend would do - support her through it.

Pashazade · 12/04/2023 22:59

Please do not gang up on her this would be awful. There are professionals involved, he isn't being neglected. He may very well have a very restricted diet, we have family with a non verbal child who is built like a linebacker and always has been even when he was existing on crisps and milk formula. You have no way of knowing that it is diet alone causing him to weigh more than may be healthy. She needs your support not your criticism.

thebaneofmylifeisacat · 12/04/2023 23:01

I am a nursing sister! You should know better op as he has so many needs and other professionals are involved??? No

Tell your friends to not use you as cruel ammunition. Tell them to fuck off!! You know better

thebaneofmylifeisacat · 12/04/2023 23:02

Or you should do!!

Original poster
wingingit1987 · 12/04/2023 23:02

FannyPhart · 12/04/2023 22:57

So what do your friends think ganging up on her will achieve? That someone clearly in denial will suddenly stop being in denial? Telling her her child is fat is not going to stop her stuffing him with all the wrong foods if she's that deeply in denial that she does not believe there's an issue. She's not suddenly going to hear from you what t she's refusing to hear from professionals. Sadly nothing you say as a group will do anything other than make her feel attacked as a parent because she's not in the right mind to hear the good intent behind the message. Telling her that her kid is fat however sensitively you do it is not suddenly going to make her snap out of it and buy salad. This is far too deep seated for that. She's obese herself so she doesn't recognise it the way people who aren't obese do. So to go back, what exactly is it your friends think will be achieved by telling her what she isn't able to hear?

I genuinely think they believe she will have some sort of an epiphany and change how they both eat. She herself has actually lost a few stone recently but I think that’s from stress and not dieting. I don’t feel us saying anything will be helpful at all.

OP posts:
Original poster
wingingit1987 · 12/04/2023 23:04

thebaneofmylifeisacat · 12/04/2023 22:58

Your friends sound bitchy please don't join in to 'educate her about her child'

How would you feel? She's your best friend so support her not bitch behind her back

That’s all I kept thinking during the conversation, how mortified I would be if they were all starting a group chat to plan to pull me up about how I was feeding one of my children. Or about any issue really. We have all known each other for 30 years now and i think they should know her well enough to know how this will pan out.

OP posts:
ShowUs · 12/04/2023 23:05

What awful ‘friends’ this poor woman has.

She is obviously aware of her son’s issues and will be trying her best.

If Katie Price’s son is obese and she has money, her own gym, lots of land, horses, personal trainers, dieticians etc then it’s obvious a single parent who doesn’t have these things is also going to struggle with their child’s weight.

Hankunamatata · 12/04/2023 23:06

You need to speak sternly with these so called friends and tell them to walk a day in her shoes. Better yet, they should each offer to babysit for a day to give friend a rest and see how they get on with adjusting the child's eating

Original poster
wingingit1987 · 12/04/2023 23:06

MeMyBooksAndMyCats · 12/04/2023 22:59

So if your a nurse your aware there is medical conditions that can make certain people feel constantly hungry. It's not their fault.

Do not gang up on her that's what a shit friend would do - support her through it.

I did say this to them. Don’t get me wrong, he hasn’t formally been diagnosed with anything that confirms an increase in appetite but he is more likely to experience these sort of conditions due to his special needs.

OP posts:
LemonDrizzle32 · 12/04/2023 23:06

NO do NOT say anything. Terrible idea.

Lndnmummy · 12/04/2023 23:06

wingingit1987 · 12/04/2023 22:50

I should add- I’m a nurse and I think that’s why they all feel I have some sort of duty to get involved. But I know the level of input the various professionals have with her son and I know that part of all these processes will be to address his weight. I feel like they will do a better job of it than we will, sat in softplay trying to confront her in the middle of a birthday party.

Of course I feel worried about his health and his wellbeing but I also worry that my friend ends up isolating herself and her son if she thinks everyone is talking about her behind her back.

You seem like a loving and caring friend. And you have good judgement. Everything you say makes perfect sense. Do not make this woman feel more overwhelmed or judged than she already does. Do not take away the one safe space, with allies that she feels she has. It would be cruel to do so in my view.

MrsDoylesDoily · 12/04/2023 23:07

wingingit1987 · 12/04/2023 22:50

I should add- I’m a nurse and I think that’s why they all feel I have some sort of duty to get involved. But I know the level of input the various professionals have with her son and I know that part of all these processes will be to address his weight. I feel like they will do a better job of it than we will, sat in softplay trying to confront her in the middle of a birthday party.

Of course I feel worried about his health and his wellbeing but I also worry that my friend ends up isolating herself and her son if she thinks everyone is talking about her behind her back.

I should add- I’m a nurse and I think that’s why they all feel I have some sort of duty to get involved. But I know the level of input the various professionals have with her son and I know that part of all these processes will be to address his weight. I feel like they will do a better job of it than we will, sat in softplay trying to confront her in the middle of a birthday party.

Well if that's true, what have you started this thread for? Hmm

Of course you shouldn't get involved, or did you just want everyone on Mumsnet to judge her for having a super tall obese 5 year old, who eats 6 packets of crisps per day? Hmm

Original poster
wingingit1987 · 12/04/2023 23:07

Lndnmummy · 12/04/2023 23:06

You seem like a loving and caring friend. And you have good judgement. Everything you say makes perfect sense. Do not make this woman feel more overwhelmed or judged than she already does. Do not take away the one safe space, with allies that she feels she has. It would be cruel to do so in my view.

Show quote history

Thank you for that.

OP posts:
PickAChew · 12/04/2023 23:07

If he has additional needs and medical involvement, every single appointment will start with him being weighed and measured. Ds2 gets this at neurology appointments. I had the same at rheumatology.

An intervention would simply be telling her that her child that she knows is fat, is fat.

MrsDoylesDoily · 12/04/2023 23:09

wingingit1987 · 12/04/2023 23:04

That’s all I kept thinking during the conversation, how mortified I would be if they were all starting a group chat to plan to pull me up about how I was feeding one of my children. Or about any issue really. We have all known each other for 30 years now and i think they should know her well enough to know how this will pan out.

Show quote history

So again, why are you asking Mumsnet if you're being unreasonable?

Original poster
wingingit1987 · 12/04/2023 23:09

MrsDoylesDoily · 12/04/2023 23:07

I should add- I’m a nurse and I think that’s why they all feel I have some sort of duty to get involved. But I know the level of input the various professionals have with her son and I know that part of all these processes will be to address his weight. I feel like they will do a better job of it than we will, sat in softplay trying to confront her in the middle of a birthday party.

Well if that's true, what have you started this thread for? Hmm

Of course you shouldn't get involved, or did you just want everyone on Mumsnet to judge her for having a super tall obese 5 year old, who eats 6 packets of crisps per day? Hmm

Show quote history

to be honest, the approach from my two friends left me feeling a bit ambushed myself as they basically made out I was being neglectful and awful by not saying anything.

I have thought hall of this over and was questioning my own judgement but I ultimately can’t find it in myself to justify saying anything to her.

OP posts:
Inthebathagain · 12/04/2023 23:11

I'd like to suggest you all support her with her parenting. Being a single parent of a child with SEN is very very hard. She'll be trying to address many things every day. Facing the battle of saying no to a bag of crisps is probably yet another battle she can't face, having already faced several that day.

Does she have an EHCP in place? And getting support from the council to place him? Sadly SEN school places are as rare as hens teeth. Many children with the needs you describe are being allocated mainstream places as there aren't enough SEN places to go around.

You may need to support her through the tribunal process in getting him a place...far more of a priority to her than another bag of crisps.

Comfies · 12/04/2023 23:12

Your friends are the biggest assholes I've heard of in ages. Seriously. They are idiots.

Clearly he is badly overweight and his mum could do better with his food. He is also non verbal with additional needs. These fecking geniuses think they have the solution with a big intervention for his mum. I have no words.

Positive solutions would be going on active playdates with him and providing loads of delicious looking healthy snacks on said playdate.