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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want to speak to friend about her child’s weight?

239 replies

wingingit1987 · 12/04/2023 21:55

For a bit of background- there is a group of 4 of us who have known each other since primary school. We all have young kids and see each other often. I’m closer to one of the girls and consider her my best friend.

She has a son who just turned 5. He is very overweight for his age. I would go as far as to say obese. He wears age 10-11 clothes and recently outgrew a lot of them and passed them on to one of the other girls sons(he is 10). This is what sparked this conversation as we are due to meet up for one of the kids birthday parties this week, and the other two have been texting me privately to say they think we should speak to her about her sons weight.

I see my friend at least once or twice a week and I realise he is big. It is down to diet- my friend is also obese. By her own admission he overeats- she said he eats 6 packs of crisps a day, adult portions of food etc. she always dismisses his weight being an issue and says he wears bigger clothes because he is tall, that it’s puppy fat etc.

I agree with my other friends 110% that he is unhealthy and overweight but my issue is that health professionals already know this and I don’t see what difference it would make for us to have some sort of intervention. She has several professionals involved in his care as he has additional support needs. They have addressed this with my friend already.

My friends think we are being neglectful not to say anything but I just don’t see how it would help as she absolutely does not feel it’s an issue.

OP posts:
Original poster
wingingit1987 · 13/04/2023 00:06

Bauhausstolemyhair · 12/04/2023 23:39

It sounds like your friend is really struggling if she is a single parent, works when her child is at nursery and he has additional needs. It is unbearably tough.

Instead of staging a 'weight intervention' why don't you offer to look after the little boy for a day when she's not working.

I see her often (at least weekly) but I don’t think I would manage to babysit (5 kids who are all very young, one is a newborn) and my friends son is very high needs so I feel like I would do a rubbish job. However, I do try to invite them here as much as I can to give her a break from the house as I know many of our other friends avoid it.

OP posts:
Mummynew08 · 13/04/2023 00:07

Op yanbu and I feel sorry for the boy's mum and hope she gets lots of support but this struck me...

he is in a nursery room that is for children aged 2 years and has one to one support there.

Is that right, that seems so odd? I wouldn't be comfortable with my 2yo sharing her nursery room with a 5yo boy who's the size of an 11yo. Wouldnt he tower over everyone and push them out of the way for toys etc. There really needs to be better/more services available for children with SEN!

SparkyBlue · 13/04/2023 00:07

@thebaneofmylifeisacat no it wasn't that show but I know a lot of people with additional needs were severely impacted at that time. It was awful. My son loves eating raw veg and fruit for sensory reasons so lots of carrots and peppers and especially the mini cucumbers and grapes. This is obviously amazing as we never have constipation issues which is another issue many parents face with children with additional needs as their diet can be so limited.
OP your friends are behaving awfully. I'd second what another poster suggested and see if your friend might like to do an activity like swimming or a forest walk or a trip to the playground with you as an outing together . That would be something that could actually help her.

KnitGoodWomanKnit · 13/04/2023 00:08

If it were me, since professionals are already telling her the same thing and you say she knows but is struggling, I'd be coming at it in a "How can I help you solve this problem?" manner, and not "your son is obese, you should do something about it". Well she already knows.

I'd bring a solution rather than just point out an obvious problem. That'd be more helpful.

LocSeeTan · 13/04/2023 00:09

He may have Prada Wiilli syndrome. Compulsion to eat, low IQ.

Original poster
wingingit1987 · 13/04/2023 00:10

Mummynew08 · 13/04/2023 00:07

Op yanbu and I feel sorry for the boy's mum and hope she gets lots of support but this struck me...

he is in a nursery room that is for children aged 2 years and has one to one support there.

Is that right, that seems so odd? I wouldn't be comfortable with my 2yo sharing her nursery room with a 5yo boy who's the size of an 11yo. Wouldnt he tower over everyone and push them out of the way for toys etc. There really needs to be better/more services available for children with SEN!

To be perfectly honest, I’ve never understood why he wasn’t transferred to the older children’s room since he has one to one support anyway but I wasn’t sure if nurseries just did this as the younger rooms have smaller ratios in general or something? Or if the activities etc were maybe mkre appropriate for him?

OP posts:
LuvSmallDogs · 13/04/2023 00:14

wingingit1987 · 13/04/2023 00:06

I see her often (at least weekly) but I don’t think I would manage to babysit (5 kids who are all very young, one is a newborn) and my friends son is very high needs so I feel like I would do a rubbish job. However, I do try to invite them here as much as I can to give her a break from the house as I know many of our other friends avoid it.

Show quote history

Wait a fucking minute! Are you telling me, that these ladies who are sooo concerned for this little boy, aren't prepared to let him darken their doorsteps so he and his mum can get out of the house for a bit?

These might be your friends but they're not her friends, are they? Poor woman.

BonnieLisbon · 13/04/2023 00:15

wingingit1987 · 12/04/2023 22:50

I should add- I’m a nurse and I think that’s why they all feel I have some sort of duty to get involved. But I know the level of input the various professionals have with her son and I know that part of all these processes will be to address his weight. I feel like they will do a better job of it than we will, sat in softplay trying to confront her in the middle of a birthday party.

Of course I feel worried about his health and his wellbeing but I also worry that my friend ends up isolating herself and her son if she thinks everyone is talking about her behind her back.

I think you're spot on there

Mummynew08 · 13/04/2023 00:17

wingingit1987 · 13/04/2023 00:10

To be perfectly honest, I’ve never understood why he wasn’t transferred to the older children’s room since he has one to one support anyway but I wasn’t sure if nurseries just did this as the younger rooms have smaller ratios in general or something? Or if the activities etc were maybe mkre appropriate for him?

Show quote history

Yeah doesn't sound ideal - even the little chairs/tables in the nursery room would be too small for him, they'd be 2yo size. His poor mum must have so much to worry about. I hope he gets the right school placement, fingers crossed.

Original poster
wingingit1987 · 13/04/2023 00:18

LuvSmallDogs · 13/04/2023 00:14

Wait a fucking minute! Are you telling me, that these ladies who are sooo concerned for this little boy, aren't prepared to let him darken their doorsteps so he and his mum can get out of the house for a bit?

These might be your friends but they're not her friends, are they? Poor woman.

Show quote history

I can’t remember the last anyone else invited her round now I’m sitting here giving it some thought. Her son does obviously get a bit overstimulated at times but we have a very busy house anyway and I don’t mind if he wants to run around a bit. It’s all chaos in here anyway! But places like softplay are a lot for him. So I tend not to suggest meeting her there as I know she hates it and he ends up upset with how overwhelmed he is. We all need to meet at softplay for this party but generally I find he is happier in a house setting. They just see how he is when at softplay or the park though and think it would be too much to invite them to their homes.

OP posts:
LuluBlakey1 · 13/04/2023 00:21

Mind your own business- all of you.

Winter2020 · 13/04/2023 00:23

wingingit1987 · 13/04/2023 00:06

I see her often (at least weekly) but I don’t think I would manage to babysit (5 kids who are all very young, one is a newborn) and my friends son is very high needs so I feel like I would do a rubbish job. However, I do try to invite them here as much as I can to give her a break from the house as I know many of our other friends avoid it.

Show quote history

So you don't feel you would be able to look after her family well for a single afternoon - but would like to tell her how she should be doing it better?

Original poster
wingingit1987 · 13/04/2023 00:25

Winter2020 · 13/04/2023 00:23

So you don't feel you would be able to look after her family well for a single afternoon - but would like to tell her how she should be doing it better?

Show quote history

I don’t feel like I need to tell her how to look after her son at all.

OP posts:
bottleofbeer · 13/04/2023 00:30

Not your bizz. Your friends are dressing up gossip as concern while secretly congratulating themselves that their kids aren't overweight.

Winter2020 · 13/04/2023 00:31

Quote "I don’t feel like I need to tell her how to look after her son at all."

What do you feel you need to tell her?
"Your son is fat - don't give him crisps"?

HamBone · 13/04/2023 00:32

I agree that you need to stay out of this, medical professionals are involved and they’ll give her the correct guidance.

Unlike other posters, however, I can also understand the feeling that a close friend “ought” to say something-even though we really shouldn’t!

I have an old friend whose children are overweight and I’ve felt the urge to talk to her to about it, because I genuinely care. But I know I can’t. Medical professionals are also involved with one child and I just hope she’s following their advice. Unless my friend or your friend asks for advice, OP, we have to keep our mouths shut.

Phoebo · 13/04/2023 00:32

No need to say anything, she will know. I'd probably struggle to be friends with someone like this, as from your OP it sounds like it's negligence and not a medical issue that is causing this, so she's basically abusing her child

Coffeeandcake15 · 13/04/2023 00:33

It is selfish and neglectful, I don’t think you saying anything will change that, I’m sure she knows already the risks of being obese.

WilsonMilson · 13/04/2023 00:40

This is a no win situation for you.

I would personally say nothing unless she brings it up. Sounds like there are complex issues at play.

StaunchMomma · 13/04/2023 00:41

It says a lot about them that they see a friend trying to get help for a child with complex needs and think the only thing they 'need' to help with is stopping the child being fat!!

It's very common for a child with special needs to find comfort/soothing in food. How exactly do THEY think they have the knowledge to advise her on how to deal with that incredibly complex issue?!

They sounds utterly vile, honestly. If they really wanted to actually help they would support, not criticise.

NortieTortie · 13/04/2023 00:41

She will already have professionals involved due to his SN, surely they would have taken it up with her? It's a shame for the little boy absolutely but even if it were appropriate for you to comment I doubt you could say anything that hasn't already gone through her mind. Sounds like she's sticking her head in the sand.

Ktime · 13/04/2023 00:52

Winter2020 · 13/04/2023 00:31

Quote "I don’t feel like I need to tell her how to look after her son at all."

What do you feel you need to tell her?
"Your son is fat - don't give him crisps"?

What are you on about? OP has consistently said she doesn’t want to say anything.

From the first post:

I just don’t see how it would help as she absolutely does not feel it’s an issue.

Original poster
wingingit1987 · 13/04/2023 00:52

Winter2020 · 13/04/2023 00:31

Quote "I don’t feel like I need to tell her how to look after her son at all."

What do you feel you need to tell her?
"Your son is fat - don't give him crisps"?

I don’t feel the need to tell her anything. That’s been the whole point of my post.

OP posts:
LuvSmallDogs · 13/04/2023 00:55

Well if the lad hates soft play/park, she needs to stop taking him there, yes even for bday parties - it sounds like she's taking him there when invited, because that's where most of her friends are happy to meet her and she wants to see her friends.

Only they're not real friends, because her child isn't good enough to visit their homes, and they've set up a group chat to "tee hee, no YOU say something" over her parenting.

The advice you should give her, is to look for groups for parents of children with SN. That way, she can hopefully meet people who wouldn't balk at letting her 5 year old in their homes while they have a cuppa and then she can get shot of the bitch pack!

You want to think hard on what "failings" you have, and what little slip it would take for you to end up with a group chat about "helping" you via public humiliation!

Original poster
wingingit1987 · 13/04/2023 01:14

Sorry I haven’t managed to reply to everyone individually. There has been lots of helpful pointers and advice from you all and I appreciate it.

OP posts: