To not want to speak to friend about her child’s weight?

[wingingit1987]

For a bit of background- there is a group of 4 of us who have known each other since primary school. We all have young kids and see each other often. I’m closer to one of the girls and consider her my best friend.

She has a son who just turned 5. He is very overweight for his age. I would go as far as to say obese. He wears age 10-11 clothes and recently outgrew a lot of them and passed them on to one of the other girls sons(he is 10). This is what sparked this conversation as we are due to meet up for one of the kids birthday parties this week, and the other two have been texting me privately to say they think we should speak to her about her sons weight.

I see my friend at least once or twice a week and I realise he is big. It is down to diet- my friend is also obese. By her own admission he overeats- she said he eats 6 packs of crisps a day, adult portions of food etc. she always dismisses his weight being an issue and says he wears bigger clothes because he is tall, that it’s puppy fat etc.

I agree with my other friends 110% that he is unhealthy and overweight but my issue is that health professionals already know this and I don’t see what difference it would make for us to have some sort of intervention. She has several professionals involved in his care as he has additional support needs. They have addressed this with my friend already.

My friends think we are being neglectful not to say anything but I just don’t see how it would help as she absolutely does not feel it’s an issue.

OK- so I have interpreted your dilemma as "I don't know whether to speak to my friend about her son's weight" (wrongly) but understandably considering all the discussion of his weight/eating and size.

If what you are saying is "I refuse to speak to my friend about her son's weight AIBU" No you are not being unreasonable. Tell your nosy friends you are not in a professional capacity in your friendship group, that the chikd has professionsl involvement and they should (unless asked for their opinion) mind their own business.

If I have seemed defensive OP I don't have an overweight child - I have a young non verbal autistic child at special school and if people who have little involvement with my son (i.e. don't care for him themselves and have so specialist knowledge of him) wanted to tell me how I should be parenting him they can fuck right off.

I genuinely have no interest in telling my friend how to parent. I was just made to feel like I was being ridiculous by my other two friends.
I don’t offer to babysit because I know I simply couldn’t manage- I have 5 kids and wouldn’t be able to give my friends son the attention he needs. He has one to one support in nursery, for example. I do try to be there as much as I can though. She had an incident recently where she simply was so overwhelmed with it all. He had been very aggressive and had a huge meltdown. She send me a text saying she has got to the point she was at the end of her tether and needed help. I had to ask my sister to watch the older kids and take the newborn with me to walk to hers and help out a bit. That evening was hard enough and I only had my youngest with me then. I don’t know how she copes day to day on her own. I’ve told her to be a bit more frank with her health visitor about how much pressure she is under but she worries that she will end up losing him (even though I’ve tried to reassure her otherwise). I get it though- I work in mental health nursing and patients often panic at the thought of services knowing the true extent of how much they are struggling and they think their children will end up in care.

I read once that parents often have no idea their child is obese/overweight, and my overweight friend was exactly the same with her son. It was only when she got a photo back from the developers (remember that?) after a holiday, showing her son in trunks by the swimming pool, that she finally realised how huge he was. (Interestingly, she has completely revised history now he’s normal weight and in his 30s, telling people - and she seems to genuinely believe it herself - that her son had a very healthy varied diet as a child, when he actually ate nothing but chicken nuggets and lots and lots of puddings in pots from the fridge.)

I see the same thing with dog-owners, who think their dogs are normal when they’re horribly, unhealthily fat.

But if your friend already has professionals trying to address her son’s weight, probably safe to assume she is aware, although doesn't seem to much care, if she’s still feeding him 6 packets of crisps every day.

Your last post is what your friend needs (emotional and practical support) - not that you are necessarily in a position to offer practical support with your own family needs but being there for her emotionally without judging or having the answers is everything.

Perhaps you can remind your other friends that what your friend needs from them is their emotional support (and time if they have any available). She doesn't need their advice as she has professionals for that or their judgement - she will get plenty of that elsewhere too.

I agree with @Winter2020

I agree with you entirely that the other “friends” approach would be destructive and divisive and not at all helpful. Poor woman is isolated enough. Of course she knows! Ffs, it’s hard enough to get some NT kids to eat healthily, let alone kids on the spectrum who tend to eat virtually only “white” food because they suffer from ARFID, total food refusal, the extreme behavioural responses some mothers have to deal with from growing and grown kids about this are frightening too! Not to mention the fact that she is a single mum. Thank goodness she has you! It would be better if you and the friends went into bat for her at school and told them that she is drowning.

I agree with you @wingingit1987 and I'm very anti obesity.

If professionals are involved then you don't have to say anything; doctors will be mentioning it to her regularly.

One thing one of you could say to her maybe is she's making a rod for her own back. It happened with a friend of mine's son as well as with Katie Price's Harvey. You say he has aggressive episodes and these will be harder for her to manage as he gets older the bigger he is. If he does ever have to go into a residential unit or something then that could be the most likely reason.

Ffs, it’s hard enough to get some NT kids to eat healthily, let alone kids on the spectrum who tend to eat virtually only “white” food because they suffer from ARFID, total food refusal

Sounds like a degree of food refusal (from the mum) would be helpful TBH. Even if someone only eats white food, they can still have it in sensible amounts. If a small child will only eat bread, doesn't mean they should be given the whole loaf a day or more.

Good to know that it's not my imagination how needlessly snotty some people have been over the years. These nasty judgements have been felt by those of us with fat disorders and connectivity disorders who look "fat" . Christ, it's like the people who despise those who have children out of wedlock.

OP, you're right. This is fat hatred pure and simple. The poor woman is trying to keep body and would together in a high pressure situation and your friends want to shame her? Taking away packets of crisps won't make a child magically thin even if it will appease some judge supposed friends, and it sounds like it is one of the few coping tactics your friend has. It's not going to help telling her that she should be doing something different, and I appreciate your humanity in understanding this. Your friends however sound as lovely as some of the people on this thread.

Realistically the only thing you can do is what you are already doing, being supportive to your friend when you can. She's getting professional advice & help, so that's obviously not your role, even though she may not be utilising the advice appropriately. She knows she can turn to you for help when she is struggling, which will mean a lot to her. It's a very sad situation for her & her son, but you've recognised that it's not for you to offer dietary advice.

As much as I’m with the nothing needs mentioning brigade I’m also wondering if your friends are concerned because she’s not taking anything on board? Is she actively trying to help him lose weight op?

He’s only 5 she is complete control of his feeding if she’s not it’s neglect I’m afraid.

@RunningFromInsanity

That is one of the most awful things I have read. Way to go for making decisions based on how someone looks. Most parents are doing their best. Great way for those kids to grow up ostracised and remain overweight and live an unfufilled life. All because you and yours are busy distancing yourselves 😡

Strong word for a mother of a non verbal child with additional needs who is being seen by professionals.

Your poor friend. She's a single parent with a child who has ocmplex needs and she has a physically demanding job on top. Please don't 'confront' her. If you must have a chat with her then maybe ask how she is coping and see if there's anything you can do to help?

If there are professionals telling her the weight is an issue and supporting the family already then I would leave it to them to address. I can’t imagine it going well for you to being up her sons weight.

However if she ever instigated a conversation about it I wouldn’t agree with something i didn’t think was right and if she asked my opinion I would give it.

Professionals are involved, why would u want to kick yr friend whilst she is already down?

Thing is, the only positive, useful advice any of you could offer is to seek professional support. She already has that in place. So what's the point of it? Just to state that her kid is fat? To shame her into doing...what?
That's not 'concern', that's contempt. If either of your other friends want to convey such they can do it themselves.

I’m afraid I think it’s neglectful not to say anything; I think you should, but maybe start the conversation by asking how she’s coping and how he is? Talk about how the non verbal stuff etc must be hard, and ask if you can help at all or if she needs some support.

It’s awful if she’s obese and making him the same way. 6 packets of crisps a day?! You need to say something.

This is another type of abuse and you should (if you can) help in this situation. I am not sure how your other friends conversation is going to help.
Is that meeting a supporting one: “we are here for you, shall we all bring healthy snacks for play dates, do you need help with planning meals, etc” or it is going to go down the patronising route? Big difference!

Yanbu. I think I’d go so far as to imply to the other friends that it’s something you’ve already discussed between the 2 of you and you feel that no extra input is needed from them. Your friend has so much on her plate the last thing she needs is the group pile on. You sound a lovely friend to her.

She is a shit mum. What support do you want to supply? A cake?

I am going on what you’ve said here, as I can see others come in the defend the obesity that may be down to medical issues.

You are clearly stating it is from overeating.

The mother is providing the child with SIX packs of crisps a day plus god knows what else, which will affect his health. That’s child abuse or should be.

I wouldn’t care about losing the friendship to be honest. I agree it’s pointless saying anything to her, she is happy being a feeder by the sounds of it and happy with the physical and psychological issues her child will face in life.

I've got a son with additional needs who is underweight,I know he's underweight and so do all the professionals involved in his care. I lose sleep about it but it's hard to fatten up a child who doesn't like food.
If you were my friends I'd feel really sad that you we're discussing my son as if I was neglecting him because believe me I know I'm constantly told by all involved.
I would distance myself if I couldn't even meet for a guilt free coffee without friends.

Ahh drip feed post- the child is sen and therefore has an increased appetite. 🤷🏼‍♀️Can’t say I’ve heard of that one, but educate your friend then. Tell them that he needs this food due to sen.

You don’t have to say anything to your friends. Other than you don’t want to get involved.

Def do not say anything. It sounds like she’s well aware of his issues even if she plays it down a bit. Maybe she doesn’t want to talk about it as it’s upsetting.