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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want to speak to friend about her child’s weight?

239 replies

wingingit1987 · 12/04/2023 21:55

For a bit of background- there is a group of 4 of us who have known each other since primary school. We all have young kids and see each other often. I’m closer to one of the girls and consider her my best friend.

She has a son who just turned 5. He is very overweight for his age. I would go as far as to say obese. He wears age 10-11 clothes and recently outgrew a lot of them and passed them on to one of the other girls sons(he is 10). This is what sparked this conversation as we are due to meet up for one of the kids birthday parties this week, and the other two have been texting me privately to say they think we should speak to her about her sons weight.

I see my friend at least once or twice a week and I realise he is big. It is down to diet- my friend is also obese. By her own admission he overeats- she said he eats 6 packs of crisps a day, adult portions of food etc. she always dismisses his weight being an issue and says he wears bigger clothes because he is tall, that it’s puppy fat etc.

I agree with my other friends 110% that he is unhealthy and overweight but my issue is that health professionals already know this and I don’t see what difference it would make for us to have some sort of intervention. She has several professionals involved in his care as he has additional support needs. They have addressed this with my friend already.

My friends think we are being neglectful not to say anything but I just don’t see how it would help as she absolutely does not feel it’s an issue.

OP posts:
RubbishHusband · 12/04/2023 22:25

It's not up to you to 'confront' her about her overweight son

She has professionals involved in his care. He has additional needs which adds a layer of complexity when it comes to weight

What exactly is telling her her son is fat going to do. She knows. Possible health complications are up to healthcare professionals to discuss

nigelthornberry69 · 12/04/2023 22:26

So if professionals are involved she 100% knows there's a problem and what's up, even if she makes light of it. Seeing as you all can see it I guess making light is the only socially comfortable thing to do. The only thing I would consider saying to her is that if she wants or needs any support from you all with it then the offer is there. But not like you want to stick the oar in or tell her what she needs to do. More like let her know the door is open if you three could support her at all.

Spottycarousel · 12/04/2023 22:26

I think I would have to say something. 6 packets of crisps a day is shocking.

Sometimes the message sinks in more when it's from a friend.

I wouldn't be pussyfooting around this.

TestingTestingWonTooFree · 12/04/2023 22:26

I don’t think I’d comment on the weight, but I would respond to portion size when she brings it up. It’s less personal.

DiabolicalDee · 12/04/2023 22:28

Aww how judgy and horrible your friends are saying. As long as professionals are involved I'm sure your friends being butchy won't do anything but shame her.

DiabolicalDee · 12/04/2023 22:28

Being not saying.

KvotheTheBloodless · 12/04/2023 22:28

Okunevo · 12/04/2023 22:04

How can the clothes be due to his height? 10-11 is for children about 144cm tall, is he that tall at 5?

Overweight kids get taller more quickly than their peers (it evens out eventually though).

LakeTiticaca · 12/04/2023 22:29

What would speaking to her about it solve? There's nothing really you can do, she obviously knows he is obese and she is probably in denial.
Leave it to the professionals who are already involved

TrueScrumptious · 12/04/2023 22:30

DiabolicalDee · 12/04/2023 22:28

Aww how judgy and horrible your friends are saying. As long as professionals are involved I'm sure your friends being butchy won't do anything but shame her.

And why shouldn’t she be shamed? Six packets of crisps a day for an overweight five-year-old? That is something to be ashamed about.

Hankunamatata · 12/04/2023 22:32

He is a non verbal child with complex needs. Trying to secure a suitable sen placement. She knows he is fat. If he has meltdowns and screams or gets aggressive becuase she isn't giving him food then I could see why she hands over the crisps or he may just take food which is hard to control without locking doors or putting locks on fridge or cupboards.

MrsDoylesDoily · 12/04/2023 22:32

How can a 5 year old be tall enough to wear age 11 trousers and pass them on to an actual 10 year old?

Surely his mum had to cut the bottoms off and hem them?

MrsDoylesDoily · 12/04/2023 22:33

KvotheTheBloodless · 12/04/2023 22:28

Overweight kids get taller more quickly than their peers (it evens out eventually though).

Show quote history

Yeah they do, but not that tall that they can pass their trousers on to someone twice their age.

Hankunamatata · 12/04/2023 22:34

I imagine her home life is tough with her son being non verbal with complex needs. She may not be able to address his diet until she secures a suitable school placement and gets him in a routine. If he isn't in school currently then she gets no breaks at all I'm guessing.

Hankunamatata · 12/04/2023 22:34

TrueScrumptious · 12/04/2023 22:30

And why shouldn’t she be shamed? Six packets of crisps a day for an overweight five-year-old? That is something to be ashamed about.

Show quote history

Becuase the child is none verbal with complex needs

Hankunamatata · 12/04/2023 22:37

I'd be saying to my friend what can I do to help you

Let me guess these other friends don't have children with complex needs and none verbal.

It's crap enough being judged as an sen parent without more crap being piled on by friends

coffeecupsandwaxmelts · 12/04/2023 22:37

Spottycarousel · 12/04/2023 22:26

I think I would have to say something. 6 packets of crisps a day is shocking.

Sometimes the message sinks in more when it's from a friend.

I wouldn't be pussyfooting around this.

Her child is non-verbal with complex needs. She already has professional involvement as a result, and the professionals have already spoken to her about his weight.

Do you really think bringing it up again will help? 🙄

Original poster
wingingit1987 · 12/04/2023 22:38

I completely agree that his weight is a huge concern and I don’t think she is managing it properly. She is over feeding him- I don’t know if he is excessively hungry as part of his ASN as I have heard of children who experience this. I do sometimes get the impression she gives him food as a distraction also.

However, he has been seen by a paediatric dietician and the HV etc to come up with plans for his food intake, for a bit of education for her in what sort of foods he should have etc. I don’t think me saying the same things makes any difference and I worry that she would feel a bit attacked as we certainly couldn’t give the same calibre of advice.

It is frustrating as she was bullied relentlessly when we were younger over her weight and it feels like she should know better but I also feel she has a million things going on at the moment and I’m trying to empathise with how hard this must be to navigate.

OP posts:
coffeecupsandwaxmelts · 12/04/2023 22:40

This thread just hammers home how difficult it must be to be a parent of a child with severe additional needs.

OP has explained several times that the little boy is non-verbal and has considerable support from professionals due to his additional needs.

And still posters are banging on about how awful his mother is and how she should be shamed into doing something about his weight.

Of course his diet isn't ideal but if she knows that. She doesn't need her friends making her feel guilty for it on top of everything else she's going though.

Original poster
wingingit1987 · 12/04/2023 22:40

Hankunamatata · 12/04/2023 22:34

I imagine her home life is tough with her son being non verbal with complex needs. She may not be able to address his diet until she secures a suitable school placement and gets him in a routine. If he isn't in school currently then she gets no breaks at all I'm guessing.

He is at nursery a few hours a day but she works those hours in a cleaning job so her day is quite full on. She is also a single parent. I think you’re right- school offers a wee bit more structure which might help

OP posts:
Lindtnotlint · 12/04/2023 22:40

Please don’t say anything. She knows. She isn’t an idiot. For whatever reason, it isn’t something she is able to tackle right now. All “confronting” her will do is make her feel even more judged. Be a friend, support her, maybe ask her how things are going and if you can help (not with the weight, but with things in general). Your “job” (insofar as you have one in this situation!) is to love and support her and help her garner the strength to do what she decides is needed about her son. You aren’t going to fix this with a confrontation.

Winter2020 · 12/04/2023 22:40

I think your friend is probably facing her own emotional shitstorm without her friend's getting together to tell her that her son is fat.

As for eating 6 packs of crisps a day - do you really believe your friend is buying 42 bags of crisps a week for her son plus any that she would like for herself and other members of her family - or is it something he has been seen to eat at a get together/party - when your friend is trying to spend time with her mates without going to war with her son over what he can eat.

Your friends son's needs are very isolating and will become more so as he gets older and potentially increasingly different from his neuro typical peers. Just accept her and her child. It is not your job to police them.

Original poster
wingingit1987 · 12/04/2023 22:43

Winter2020 · 12/04/2023 22:40

I think your friend is probably facing her own emotional shitstorm without her friend's getting together to tell her that her son is fat.

As for eating 6 packs of crisps a day - do you really believe your friend is buying 42 bags of crisps a week for her son plus any that she would like for herself and other members of her family - or is it something he has been seen to eat at a get together/party - when your friend is trying to spend time with her mates without going to war with her son over what he can eat.

Your friends son's needs are very isolating and will become more so as he gets older and potentially increasingly different from his neuro typical peers. Just accept her and her child. It is not your job to police them.

She had told us herself he eats 6 packs a day. It was in the context of how much she was spending on groceries and how she couldn’t keep up with it. It may well have been a bit of an exaggeration on her part that it’s daily right enough if she was stressed at the time.

OP posts:
Pollyputthekettleonha · 12/04/2023 22:43

I wouldn't say anything or get involved. If he's non verbal and has complex needs he may be a very challenging eater, which will take professional help to fix. Being non verbal adds a further layer of challenge as it's harder to encourage them to try different foods if language is not good, you can't discuss why they won't try it etc. Some SEN children are very restricted eaters.
Your mates sticking their oar in will achieve nothing but upset. If she ever brings it up I would maybe ask if she is getting any professional help with his diet but otherwise leave it at that.

Oojamaflipp · 12/04/2023 22:44

I wouldn't say anything per se, but if she brought it up in conversation about having sen the dietitian or HV or whatever, you could say "if you ever need help thinking of some different healthy, kid-friendly meals let me know, mine like xyz", or suggest an activity he might be able to participate in (trampoline maybe, although it would depend on how complex his needs are.

But I wouldn't stage an intervention, just be ready to be supportive if she brings it up.

TheOriginalEmu · 12/04/2023 22:45

YoI are right to not say anything and not get involved. She knows. You won’t do anything useful by making her feel judged, which she will.

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