To not want to speak to friend about her child’s weight?

[wingingit1987]

For a bit of background- there is a group of 4 of us who have known each other since primary school. We all have young kids and see each other often. I’m closer to one of the girls and consider her my best friend.

She has a son who just turned 5. He is very overweight for his age. I would go as far as to say obese. He wears age 10-11 clothes and recently outgrew a lot of them and passed them on to one of the other girls sons(he is 10). This is what sparked this conversation as we are due to meet up for one of the kids birthday parties this week, and the other two have been texting me privately to say they think we should speak to her about her sons weight.

I see my friend at least once or twice a week and I realise he is big. It is down to diet- my friend is also obese. By her own admission he overeats- she said he eats 6 packs of crisps a day, adult portions of food etc. she always dismisses his weight being an issue and says he wears bigger clothes because he is tall, that it’s puppy fat etc.

I agree with my other friends 110% that he is unhealthy and overweight but my issue is that health professionals already know this and I don’t see what difference it would make for us to have some sort of intervention. She has several professionals involved in his care as he has additional support needs. They have addressed this with my friend already.

My friends think we are being neglectful not to say anything but I just don’t see how it would help as she absolutely does not feel it’s an issue.

As a nurse your professional boundaries work both ways.

You wouldn't take a person referred professionally to a pub for a drink or discuss your personal problems with them and equally you shouldn't treat a friend as a professional referral - especially when she isn't even asking for/wanting your professional input.

You are her friend not her medical professional. She has medical professionals involvement and that is not your role. Don't overstep.

OK

Yes abhor.
Starving a child is abuse. So is over feeding. Neglect at best, child abuse in reality.

Noses out!

She has submitted some sort of placing request type thing for a SEN place but they have told her he is likely to need to go to a mainstream school due to there being so few places available. He absolutely needs a SEN place- he is in a nursery room that is for children aged 2 years and has one to one support there. But they have told her that even still, the demand is incredibly high for a SEN school. He does have lots of input but she doesn’t have any family nearby and her ex has no contact with her at all.

The OP’s friend already has health professionals on her case.

There is no point whatsoever her friends mentioning it as it’s already been covered. The only useful thing her friends can do is offer her support. The woman is obviously struggling.

I'd be tempted to tell them that you know the professionals involved will be on top of his weight and will have conversations with her about making changes so it's best to leave it to the professionals.

I mean, it's not even a lie, is it! No doctor is going to let that slide and the child will be weighed at school so she'll get a letter about that.

She clearly needs help if she is allowing the child to eat that much but why do your friends think they are expert enough to help?!!

Don't mention it no.

But if she's a good friend and you can cope with facilitating the playdate with the agegap then maybe invite them both round for a playdate and offer a number of healthy options as well as filling ones? The friend may thank you if her child sees healthy food being offered in other peoples homes; she might not get that opportunity to go to other's houses often. In future she might say "tonight we have broccoli for dinner like we had at @wingingit1987's house" or "it's rainbow fruit salad, like we had at <insert wingingit's DS's name>'s playdate"

I suspect you're right.

Also if he's got loads of conolex needs, this may well increase risk of obesity if he's got condition such as prader-willi.

I think the only time I'd comment if she directly asked me,abd then very gently.

This ^^
and put a stop to the private gossip texting too it’s all just a bit shit. Just keep being there for her a a true friend without judgement, if she needs help and advice then it’s you she will feel safest coming to. Be sound.

Nothing good will come of saying anything.

This is common in children with certain types of additional needs. My DS is autistic and I'm absolutely blessed as he has zero food issues. It's a common subject on the asd parenting Facebook pages. Parents are at their wits end over food issues. He may have sensory issues so may point blank refuse certain textures or types of food. It's it always as simple as just refuse to give him x or y. I know of a mother who had to go on national radio during lockdown to source a certain type of chicken nuggets as they were temporarily unavailable and that's all her severely autistic child eats. She managed to stash a supply of them for her freezer. So if your friend already has health professionals helping her then be there to empathise and to listen. It will be a difficult time for her right now.

Honest question, what would confronting her achieve? What would you and your friends say to her? Would you say maybe, “give your son less crisps”? Would you say, I’ve seen a diet on Facebook that would help you son? Like do you think she hasn’t thought of these things? Or do you guys have a plan of action to help her and her son? If the answer is genuinely no, then stay out of it. It won’t help, it’s will isolate her further and you won’t be friends anymore. It is I’ll then probably make the problem worse as she will be left without her support system. Think about it. Really think about it.

@wingingit1987 my DC was that size at that age, entirely due to hidden disabilities. In fact it was us that first raised concerns about DCs weight. We worked tirelessly for years with paediatricians, dietitians and physios to get the weight down, we were strictly told DC should not lose weight but we had to keep the weight stable and allow DC to "grow into it". None of my closest friends and even most of our family had any idea of what was going on behind the scenes - it was a sensitive/painful subject that we never wanted to discuss with them, and I am quite sure that we were judged by lots of people who had no idea about DCs hidden health issues. Please don't say anything and try and stop your friends from doing so - it could cause terrible hurt and being a parent to a child with SEN is hard enough without ignorant comments from friends about their DCs weight/appearance. The doctors involved will already be well aware/dealing with the issue.

It sounds like your friend is really struggling if she is a single parent, works when her child is at nursery and he has additional needs. It is unbearably tough.

Instead of staging a 'weight intervention' why don't you offer to look after the little boy for a day when she's not working.

I would ditch the friends op they sound utterly vile and obviously trying to use you to upset her.

Step up. Tell them to fuck off and you stay true to your self and your friend

Horrible bitches

Sparky

I heard that too in lock Down was that the mum on the julia Hartley brewer breakfast show? It was heartbreaking.

Could you suggest a regular activity you could do with him together with the children that would help/encourage him to be more active rugby/football/swimming. I wouldn’t be having that conversation with her and tell them so but she may love a friend to stand at the side of a rugby pitch with her and cheer her little one on would be great for his health and self esteem if it’s something he likes.

He's seen by a peadiatric dietician?!

For christ sake what do your friends think they can offer that a peadiatric dietician cant? She will know he's overweight, she will know the risks and she will have been given specialist help to manage that given his complex needs.

Your a nurse. What suggestions would you make to a friend with an overweight, non verbal child with complex needs. You'd suggest they get professional involvement, which they already have

Your friends are arseholes and enjoy the gossip. Nothing more.

Yes! This op! Be there for her to support her

Does he have a diagnosed condition? I was wondering if it could be Prader Willi syndrome. Spelling might not be correct, I only know about it as a former colleagues dc had this condition.

You are vile. And no, I'm not on the defence, my children are healthy weights. I abhor nasty, judgmental people who have a superiority complex and don't understand that sometimes children have medical reasons for being overweight. One of the worst things I've read on here - you'd distance yourself from a friend if their child was overweight? I'm amazed if you have friends in the first place.

She's a single parent of a disabled child?
Jesus Christ, I'd hope my friends would offer support - emotional and practical - rather than planning an intervention to state the bleeding obvious!

I know your friend's lad hasn't a diagnosis yet (hope it comes soon), I just wanted to say it isn't just Prader-Willi that can cause overeating.

Autistic children can also just want to graze constantly.

DS2 is autistic, and if he had free reign there would never be anything left for anyone else to eat - and no, I don't starve him! He eats more than me or DS1 who ok is only a year older, but is built like a brick shithouse while DS2 is short and slim (I put this down to him only being still when he sleeps). When we go out, one of us has to hover to stop him helping himself to strangers' picnics in the park or chips at soft play etc.

Being an only parent, your friend might be finding everything with chasing diagnosis/getting him into the right school etc overwhelming and not have it in her to fight the food battle - especially if he gets angry or distressed when denied what he wants. She might find it hard to take him out and do activities with him by herself, and uses food as a "treat" that can be given at home to show him love instead.

Please just be there for her and her son - it's horrible when other parents are staring at you and/or your ND child and you wonder if they're judging you both, though your skin does thicken eventually!

Even if no medical professionals were involved I don't know why you'd say anything unless she is blind. She knows and is choosing to ignore it, leave them to it.