To not want to speak to friend about her child’s weight?

[wingingit1987]

For a bit of background- there is a group of 4 of us who have known each other since primary school. We all have young kids and see each other often. I’m closer to one of the girls and consider her my best friend.

She has a son who just turned 5. He is very overweight for his age. I would go as far as to say obese. He wears age 10-11 clothes and recently outgrew a lot of them and passed them on to one of the other girls sons(he is 10). This is what sparked this conversation as we are due to meet up for one of the kids birthday parties this week, and the other two have been texting me privately to say they think we should speak to her about her sons weight.

I see my friend at least once or twice a week and I realise he is big. It is down to diet- my friend is also obese. By her own admission he overeats- she said he eats 6 packs of crisps a day, adult portions of food etc. she always dismisses his weight being an issue and says he wears bigger clothes because he is tall, that it’s puppy fat etc.

I agree with my other friends 110% that he is unhealthy and overweight but my issue is that health professionals already know this and I don’t see what difference it would make for us to have some sort of intervention. She has several professionals involved in his care as he has additional support needs. They have addressed this with my friend already.

My friends think we are being neglectful not to say anything but I just don’t see how it would help as she absolutely does not feel it’s an issue.

This is page 9 so my comment will probably going to be lost but...

To everyone who says "this is abuse, how would you react if she were starving/beating him": I think you don't understand. There are four types of abuse: physical, emotional, sexual and neglect. The crucial difference with neglect compared to the others, is it can be done by carers who are good intentioned. In that case, professionals are best placed to support the mum. The solutions to non-deliberate neglect usually include educating the carers, giving them resources they need, etc. Onlookers only have the responsibility to report the neglect, but it's already been seen by professionals so there's no need here.

If the abuse is deliberate, like the mum is trying to harm her child (not the case here, the op being a close friend would know), then onlookers have the responsibility to report it again or make it clearer to the authorities that they think the child is being deliberately harmed.

TL/DR: I just think there's no point in op's friends confronting the mum. It'll achieve nothing beyond what the professionals have done. Worst case scenario if they think the mum really can't cope and can't keep her child safe, they could contact social services to report their concerns.

I would genuinely like to see some of the parents on here calling abuse manage the weight of a non verbal child with significant needs as easily as they claim.

It'd be easy unless the parent has some sort of special needs or mental health problem themselves. You just don't give them more calories than they need. If need be even lock cupboards (I have to get someone to do this for me when it comes to treats.)

=the child will no longer gain weight, or will lose weight if the parent reduces their calories sufficiently.

It's not rocket science. Food doesn't magically fall into their mouths from heaven, the parent decides what they have access to.

Some medications can slow the metabolism but it doesn't undo the physics of calories, just means the person has to reduce calories a bit more.

I agree.

A lot of posters are saying she will be dealing with it if the medical professionals are involved. But by the sound of it the OPs friends head is in the sand.

It might sink in, if someone in her circle mentions it, not from a medical setting. I don't know how you'd do it though.

But there is absolutely no need for a child to be that obese to be in clothes for over double his age. And eating 6 bags of crisps a day. Adults with children that obese, to that extent, are neglecting their children.

Doing something in the child's best interests when the child is at harm isn't bitchy.

Would you say that if she was starving her child?

@OldFan have you actually ever cared for a child or adult with a learning disability and metabolic or endocrine disorders like PWD?

Because I have been involved in caring for many and can assure you it is not as simple as the physics of bloody calories and that view is offensive to people with LD, carers, specialist dieticians and the legion of people involved in safely supporting people with what can be life threatening illnesses. It's fear and guilt and chronic stress and physical discomfort and pain and shame and confusion as to what to do for the best and then more shame that you didn't resolve it sooner or guilt if there are long term health consequences that you couldn't predict. The professionals in this woman's life clearly see this and are already trying to help.

When people's endocrine systems are disordered they don't register satiety. They feel persistently and uncomfortably hungry, often hungry for the most accessible calorific foods. Have you ever been hangry? Imagine feeling like that all the time even after eating a meal, but not understanding why and not being able to talk to explain how uncomfortable you are. How annoyed would you feel all the time? How would you handle those feelings? Would you cry? Throw things? Hurt people? Hurt yourself?

Then remember when your children were small and needed to eat little and often. And if they missed meals or were hungry they became insistent and demanding for food, tearful or prone to tantrums over other things. Can any parent honestly say they never pulled into a service station and grabbed snacks in a hurry to stop WW3 breaking out on the back seat? What if that happened 5-6 times a day?

Society gives you zero breaks in that situation. People are very quick to judge but slow to help. If a pack of crisps or a biscuit keeps him.from losing it on the bus that's what you end up doing.

With a lot of time consuming planning and input from.dieticians to find high satiety foods and reduce behaviour stressors it's possible for families to turn these patterns around. But it's no one's fault they arise in the first place, in trying to meet one need at a time when the family is under huge stress they inadvertently create another but only because they are normal loving parents trying to cope with challenging circumstances.

OP you are totally right. Your friend needs you more than ever. Say nothing. She knows her son. Listen, be kind, don't judge.

@OllytheCollie yes, but there are healthier food choices one can make when trying to avoid a tant - fruit, for example. If you know your child is likely to be hungry and kick off you make sure you're prepared eg during the baby/toddler years we always brought an "emergency banana " with us if out and about.

I was slammed for mentioning ARFID, etc. I agree that she sounds like she has her head in the sand. She is probably totally overwhelmed and terrified of the future atm, and doesn’t want to know. She has to get out and about with a child who is known for emotional and physical breakdowns. Kids are often hell on wheels in supermarkets when they are NT. She has to cope with observing the reactions of people noticing his obesity and his behaviour. It is possible that at least some of those chips, etc are given to him so that she can go about her businesss and feel for a moment that things aren’t quite as bad as they really are. I absolutely agree that she is harming her child with junk food, but she has medical and educational professionals to tell her this. I also think that “tough love” will isolate her further or break her completely. I think as a nurse, you are perfectly placed to know what response she is likely to have received by HC professionals already, and your role in her life is that of her friend. That’s what she needs most! I think part of that friendship should involve having the respect for her to warn her that the others want to hold an intervention, and that you think it’s inappropriate. Give her the practical help - the lawyer’s details, give her your shoulder. Let her know that you know, and you’re there.

@Yerroblemom1923 how would that help. A banana is a low satiety food containing about 100 calories, from a satiety perspective they are about the same as biscuits. Like I said this parent needs professional help not judgment from people who are not in her situation.

Also, if the child has ARFID, you are likely to cause a nuclear breakdown if you swap his chips for a banana without expert instructions.

@Winter2020 exactly what I was thinking. The poor woman sounds run ragged and at the end of her tether.

Everyone who thinks it’s their responsibility to ‘help’ this boy would do well to take him off her hands regularly so she has some time for self care and rest. It’s much easier to make changes when you aren’t exhausted and strung out.

Hi all, just wanted to update as the party we were attending was this afternoon. My friends decided against their initial plan to confront her. They did ask how her son was getting on with his various appointments etc and used this as a bit of a segue into how things were going with the dietician. She told them he is “still a few pounds overweight” and that she is trying to get on top of it.

Something my husband suggested was even having them over for dinner once a week to get then out the house. And offering her a mini football goal set and scooter that my own sons are too big for now (still in good condition) as she doesn’t have much outdoor play things for him yet as she is on a tight budget and recently moved from a flat.

Your husband and you are definitely they kind of friends she needs.

@wingingit1987 you and your husband are good friends.❤️