To not want to speak to friend about her child’s weight?

[wingingit1987]

For a bit of background- there is a group of 4 of us who have known each other since primary school. We all have young kids and see each other often. I’m closer to one of the girls and consider her my best friend.

She has a son who just turned 5. He is very overweight for his age. I would go as far as to say obese. He wears age 10-11 clothes and recently outgrew a lot of them and passed them on to one of the other girls sons(he is 10). This is what sparked this conversation as we are due to meet up for one of the kids birthday parties this week, and the other two have been texting me privately to say they think we should speak to her about her sons weight.

I see my friend at least once or twice a week and I realise he is big. It is down to diet- my friend is also obese. By her own admission he overeats- she said he eats 6 packs of crisps a day, adult portions of food etc. she always dismisses his weight being an issue and says he wears bigger clothes because he is tall, that it’s puppy fat etc.

I agree with my other friends 110% that he is unhealthy and overweight but my issue is that health professionals already know this and I don’t see what difference it would make for us to have some sort of intervention. She has several professionals involved in his care as he has additional support needs. They have addressed this with my friend already.

My friends think we are being neglectful not to say anything but I just don’t see how it would help as she absolutely does not feel it’s an issue.

I have been in a similar position with a former friend and did actually bring it up with my friend and it really did not achieve anything other cause hurt to the child, who my ex friend told that Purple thought that she was fat. Although my friend could see that her child could not buy school uniforms off the rack or go on funfair rides etc she did nothing as she ate the same diet as her child and did not want to make changes. Sadly the child is now a young adult who suffered many health issues and bullying caused by her weight. It is only when she moved for home that she is getting her weight in hand

I've known of students who come from poorer backgrounds having weight problems. Junk food sadly is cheaper than fruit and veg. Is she poor?

She is quite low income. She is on benefits and works a couple of hours per day as a cleaner while he is at nursery.

she may struggle to afford healthier choices. x

She obviously knows her child is fat and also that she is over feeding him as she says he eats SIX packets of crisps a day and adult-sized meals. She's clearly aware of the problem but doesn't appear to want to fix it. Not sure you pointing it out will change this or she'll have a light bulb moment and switch to a healthy eating regime.

There's no way medical professionals are ignoring the health issue. We KNOW she's giving her child lots of junk food.

Adults should be able to have a conversation without swearing.

It might not fix anything. But how can an adult not make an effort to protect a child

I have a family member with a massively obese child. I wouldn’t mention it as I’m sure they know. They seem oddly proud their child wears adult size clothes despite being a tween. It’s hard to see. There are no additional needs in the case of my family member, the parent is obese and doesn’t cook so the child just eats sweets and biscuits and no other food. Sometimes I feel guilty not advocating for them but I don’t think it would help, just upset the parent who is already defensive. I think it’s best left to professionals. If the child has SEN at least there will be ones involved.

I think it would help/might help, though. It’s better than just ignoring it and turning a blind eye to child neglect or abuse. If more people actually got involved and spoke up and didn’t just leave it to “someone else”, the “professionals”, maybe there’d be a better outcome and the poor child might not have his/her life blighted.

poor kid

This is another factor that would make it almost impossible to implement a healthy diet. Fresh foods are expensive to buy, time consuming to prepare and expire extremely quickly. If you splurge for avocados and blueberries and the child flat-out refuses to eat them then they all go in the bin. They might eat one type of fruit/veg once and you hopefully by it a second time but it gets rejected. It's virtually impossible to predict what a 5 year old will reliably eat every day and accommodate for that.

The 6 packets of crisps is a terrible example but I can actually understand the logic behind it. If that's one of the foods he readily eats, then at least she knows that's a method for him to become full on the lowest budget possible. Same for whatever other foods she is presumably cooking/buying for both of them. She'll also be going for the most shelf-stable stuff which are usually most processed (snacks, sweets, biscuits) or pure carbs (pasta, rice, packaged bread).

It's also unreasonable to expect the parent to eat all their children's scraps if they refuse it. Wanting to feed your child a healthy diet doesn't automatically mean you're also committed to eating veg and fruit all day if the produce you buy gets turned down. Somewhere along the way there is going to be wastage.

prices have risen so much. Is she claiming UC?

If that is true it's interesting that there is little suggestion the friends should have the child for an hour regularly, try to give him a healthy meal, active play and the mum have a break.

No doubt that would "not be their responsibility". So their responsibility begins and ends at telling the parent that she is a shit parent and needs to do it differently before wandering off into the sunset with their partners and healthy children?

I’m unsure but I know she is in receipt of some benefits as her house is paid via housing benefit and things like that.

that is the old system - tax credits and housing benefits x Poor lass x

A few of you have raised the point about it being neglect/a safeguarding issue. That’s a lot to do with why I posted. My friends very much feel this way and have flat out said we are being neglectful. Im conscious of the fact there is a fine line between empathy and letting emotion get in the way of common sense. However, I just don’t see what more can be said about it or what more we can do. The services he is open to, are much better placed at actually managing this.

if we do all speak to her about it- and she still continues to maintain she isn’t concerned then what do we do next? I’ve tried not to get too involved in the text chat other than to say I don’t feel comfortable with it all but I think they are alluding to some sort of call to SW. I feel as if, if that was appropriate then surely one of the many professionals he sees will have done this?

I know she gets something like DLA for her son too. I’m unsure what she receives for herself but I think she has seen a service which makes sure she is getting all the correct benefits as I know she had issues with money after her ex left.

carers id imagine

I think friends saying something is different to health professionals saying something. You all ganging up about it is OTT though. The friend in the group who is most insistent that something must be done should have a quiet chat with her.

I think that’s where I’ve sort of left things with the other two- if they feel they need to say something then that’s their call but I don’t want to be a part of it. I just don’t feel they are bringing anything to the table that will change anything but it’s their call and I understand their concerns.

There's another thing to think about here. Do you want to be friends with this person?
If I felt someone was neglectful to their child I'd be less inclined to keep them in my company.

@Winter2020
If they are able to offer that level of support that would be amazing.
My suggestion has been they ask ''what they can do to support'' as they recognise the care is not good enough.

I will be completely honest here and say I haven’t considered ending our friendship. I do see her son as almost like a nephew we are so close and I’ve known her longer than anyone in my life except my parents. I do recognise she isn’t as on top of this as she should be though. It just feels like there is so much going on for her and it must feel like constant juggling. I’ve no doubt she will want to talk at length about this to me when the other two friends speak to her about it and I’m trying to carefully consider how I handle that. I want to try and use this as an opportunity to help as best as I can.

Only read the first page but I think if he has special needs that may be a factor. It sounds like she has all the relevant agencies involved, she doesn’t need her friends pointing out the obvious.

I’m obese but none of my children are, that’s not always a reason 🤷🏼‍♀️

She's in a very difficult situation bringing up a child with special needs on her own. I think ending the friendship would be unkind and wouldn't help he child at all.