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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think all kids should be included?

333 replies

Thisisit2323 · 12/04/2023 11:13

Should all kids be included by step grandparents? Would you expect it if buying for one they buy for all on occasions like Xmas , Easter etc ? Is it ok to only buy for some of the kids and leave the others out because your not blood related even if you have been together many years?
Big row over this after it constantly happening been made to feel I am in the wrong.

OP posts:
AnneLovesGilbert · 12/04/2023 11:15

Depends. What happened?

Hisenginesniceandclean · 12/04/2023 11:16

Do they have two sets of their own grandparents, so the step grandparents are a 3rd set, & do those GP give the step siblings something if giving to their GC?

FWIW I couldn’t miss SC out but plenty of people think that, because they already have their own GP, they don’t have to bother.

Kittykat9070 · 12/04/2023 11:17

Financially it can be difficult for grandparents to go from say 2 grandchildren to suddenly double the amount when families blend.

I personally would buy for all on these occasions rather than just my own, my heart and conscience wouldn’t allow me not to.

But just from the other side, it can be incredibly difficult to suddenly need to buy for multiple extra children.

GooglyEyeballs · 12/04/2023 11:18

I think that's really up to the GPs surely

whumpthereitis · 12/04/2023 11:18

Well, no. You can’t force relationships, and making a decision to enter a relationship with someone with children doesn’t mean you can demand your parents accept them as grandchildren.

Original poster
Thisisit2323 · 12/04/2023 11:22

Very long time together I’m talking since my youngest son was a baby he’s now 11. My parents buy for my stepchildren just a small gift but never left out.
A family fall out happened which I wasn’t involved in OH was with his family somehow I got the blame but I wasn’t even there when it happened since then have left my children out of everything and only but for the ones we have together very hurtful.

OP posts:
Original poster
Thisisit2323 · 12/04/2023 11:23

I get that I would never expect them to have the same just a small gesture kids have been noticing.

OP posts:
Dixiechickonhols · 12/04/2023 11:24

It’s a tricky one. Depends on whole family set up and dynamics.
Eg Mum has 3 kids. 1 with man 1, 2 with man 2 who she now lives with.
Eldest lives with mum but still sees dad (man 1) and paternal grandparents and gets generous gifts off them. They don’t ever see and buy nothing for his half brother and sister.
The parents of man 2 see Eldest but only buy for two that are blood related or buy more for blood related and token for eldest. Reason being otherwise Eldest would have far more than younger two. I’d say ok but needs handling with sensitivity.

WimpoleHat · 12/04/2023 11:24

I think it depends. Huge variations in situations - there is no one “right” way to do things. For example - if GPS are coming at Easter and step kids of similarish age are there? Yes, they should probably bring a chocolate egg for all the kids. At Christmas? Nice to bring a token gift for the SCs if seeing them, but they probably won’t want to buy (for example) a bike or something like that that they’d want to buy for a grandchild. Nothing wrong with that if the other kids have their own set of GPs (if not, it probably needs to be handled sensitively). And a 12 year old won’t be fussed about a bunch of Peppa Pig merchandise etc, so relative ages come into play too. I don’t think things need to be the same - but it does require a bit of sensitivity and thought to how it comes across to the other children.

Original poster
Thisisit2323 · 12/04/2023 11:27

WimpoleHat · 12/04/2023 11:24

I think it depends. Huge variations in situations - there is no one “right” way to do things. For example - if GPS are coming at Easter and step kids of similarish age are there? Yes, they should probably bring a chocolate egg for all the kids. At Christmas? Nice to bring a token gift for the SCs if seeing them, but they probably won’t want to buy (for example) a bike or something like that that they’d want to buy for a grandchild. Nothing wrong with that if the other kids have their own set of GPs (if not, it probably needs to be handled sensitively). And a 12 year old won’t be fussed about a bunch of Peppa Pig merchandise etc, so relative ages come into play too. I don’t think things need to be the same - but it does require a bit of sensitivity and thought to how it comes across to the other children.

I totally get this I don’t except the same at all. My parents are amazing and buy for all of the kids including step but OH parents only buy for the kids my OH made. Even after all these years together.

OP posts:
Original poster
Thisisit2323 · 12/04/2023 11:29

WimpoleHat · 12/04/2023 11:24

I think it depends. Huge variations in situations - there is no one “right” way to do things. For example - if GPS are coming at Easter and step kids of similarish age are there? Yes, they should probably bring a chocolate egg for all the kids. At Christmas? Nice to bring a token gift for the SCs if seeing them, but they probably won’t want to buy (for example) a bike or something like that that they’d want to buy for a grandchild. Nothing wrong with that if the other kids have their own set of GPs (if not, it probably needs to be handled sensitively). And a 12 year old won’t be fussed about a bunch of Peppa Pig merchandise etc, so relative ages come into play too. I don’t think things need to be the same - but it does require a bit of sensitivity and thought to how it comes across to the other children.

Gifts being bought into the house for the bio kids and my kids who aren’t blood related have nothing in the bag for them. Even though he’s bought my other children up from very young.
They rarely see their own father and parental grandparents.

OP posts:
Dixiechickonhols · 12/04/2023 11:29

At 11 he’s probably past token gesture stage and old enough to understand that his blood grandparents buy for him and not his half siblings. If little ones are asking can you explain that eldest gets egg/present off Granny 1 and they get off Granny 2.
Another thought you say OH. If you aren’t married do they perhaps not view eldest as their child’s stepson and therefore not their step grandchild if they are traditional.
I wouldn’t tolerate any unkindness towards eldest but you can’t force them to buy for anyone.

Aturnipforthebooks · 12/04/2023 11:31

How many children are we talking about here? Did you both have 2 kids before meeting and then have more together?

Original poster
Thisisit2323 · 12/04/2023 11:31

Dixiechickonhols · 12/04/2023 11:29

At 11 he’s probably past token gesture stage and old enough to understand that his blood grandparents buy for him and not his half siblings. If little ones are asking can you explain that eldest gets egg/present off Granny 1 and they get off Granny 2.
Another thought you say OH. If you aren’t married do they perhaps not view eldest as their child’s stepson and therefore not their step grandchild if they are traditional.
I wouldn’t tolerate any unkindness towards eldest but you can’t force them to buy for anyone.

My 11 year old has Autism so he wouldn’t really understand this concept he’s very childlike acts around 7/8 years of age. Very rarely sees his father or those grandparents on that side.

OP posts:
BoojaBooj2 · 12/04/2023 11:32

OP I’m confused.
So you have one son of your own, that OH has raised since son was a baby.
Your OH family used to get a token gift, but stopped after a family fall out?
That’s very unfair and clearly a punishment.

In general I don’t think GP’s should buy step kids presents but taking it away like this when it’s been going on for so long is just wrong.

BoojaBooj2 · 12/04/2023 11:33

Also OP you first referred to your son. Then your ‘kids’.
which is it how many do you have without your OH and how long has he been raising them for?

Aturnipforthebooks · 12/04/2023 11:33

Very rarely sees his father or those grandparents on that side.

These are the people you should be annoyed with.

Original poster
Thisisit2323 · 12/04/2023 11:33

Two each his two a bit older then my two by a few years and two together.

OP posts:
FlounderingFruitcake · 12/04/2023 11:33

A basic easter egg costs like £1 from the supermarket. If that’s what you’re on about then agree it’s pretty harsh to deny that to kids when they’re being given to their siblings just because they’re not bio relatives. Obviously I wouldn’t expect comparable gifts at Christmas but again it wouldn’t be a big deal to get them a token little something like a chocolate selection box. They’re being insensitive.

Ramunea · 12/04/2023 11:34

I agree with you.

if I have a blended family, I would expect everyone to be included. Even if the gifts differ in value, it’s the thought that counts and the fact that you are all family. There shouldn’t be segregation.

Original poster
Thisisit2323 · 12/04/2023 11:34

My youngest was one and my oldest was three when we met.

OP posts:
Aturnipforthebooks · 12/04/2023 11:35

Thisisit2323 · 12/04/2023 11:33

Two each his two a bit older then my two by a few years and two together.

Maybe they feel that 6 kids is too many to buy for?

Maybe they feel your kids' father and paternal grandparents should be buying them stuff?

Maybe they don't feel any connection with your kids?

Original poster
Thisisit2323 · 12/04/2023 11:35

Ramunea · 12/04/2023 11:34

I agree with you.

if I have a blended family, I would expect everyone to be included. Even if the gifts differ in value, it’s the thought that counts and the fact that you are all family. There shouldn’t be segregation.

Thankyou the fact they used to get for them then suddenly stopped because of the argument it hurts they ignore us on bdays and Xmas and other events now. OH wants me to rise above this.

OP posts:
RaraRachael · 12/04/2023 11:35

My mother wouldn't have given to any step grandchildren as they weren't her own flesh and blood. Same as she wouldn't give to nieces and nephews kids if their parents weren't married - only to those who were 🙄and tried to encourage me to do the same

GoodChat · 12/04/2023 11:36

Do you have a relationship with his family?